I Need A Girlfriend(?)

I need a girlfriend.  It's what I have been thinking throughout all these years since late middle school/early high school, but I've been questioning whether I really need to be in a relationship with someone right now.  Yeah, the company would be nice as would the physical benefits of having a girlfriend, but I feel that I'm just not mature enough to be with someone.  Right now, I have a hard time trusting women, and every time I get close to someone or someone gets close to me, I clam up and push them away.  I also subconsciously look down upon most women my age unless there is something really special about them.  Even then when I meet someone amazing, like Katherine, I still push away if I "sense" that something's off.  Can I actually maintain a relationship if I got into one?

Dr. Poizner checked in on me several days ago and I told him about my inability to trust women.  I guess I'm going back in again.  Hopefully, there's a cure or something.

Note to self:  Trust women

Home

It's been six days since I've came back to San Francisco.  It's cold but it's nice to see my family again.  Nothing much is happening, I'm studying for the GMAT and there's a couple of other projects I'm hoping to complete before I I go back.  Mn, I've got two quarters left, 6 months, before I graduate, then it's either off to graduate school or bust my ass for the next forty years of my life working.  Time has passed by too fast.

Before I left, I said goodbye to Cary and Greg.  They're really nice guys and we talked a bit.  Greg raised his hand for a high five and I gave one.  Unfortunately, I didn't remember to smile while I did it and I got the feeling Greg was a little unnerved by it.  The whole smiling, bonding and affection thing still remains foreign to me.  I'm pretty annoyed at my inability to make this a natural part of my behavior.  Constantly having to remind myself to do it is annoying.

Two days after I got back, my parents and I went to get new phones.  It was proven to be a fruitless endeavour.  When we got back, I was helping my dad some stuff and he made some joke.  I looked at him and laughed at the joke.  Later on, I overheard my dad asking my mom, "What's up with him?"  Apparently I gave off the whole INTJ death stare thing and he misinterpreted.  Wow, I've become so detached that now even my parents are confused by my facial expressions.  This was unexpected, a definite blow to how much progress I thought I was making.  This sucks.

Finals

It's finals week.  Just a couple more days and I finally get to go home.  Finally, this quarter can't end any faster.  It's been nothing but a nightmare for the last three months.

Several weeks ago, Greg made me some Armenian BBQ.  It was awesome and he's an awesome guy for doing that.  When we were eating, we started talking about school and other stuff.  We must have talked for about an hour.  It felt... great, it was as though I was a normal person and the way I acted was completely normal.  Cool.  It's progress I guess.  There is however a disturbing development.  I noticed that my treatment of people is not equal.  When it comes to women, I'm starting to slip more and more.  Every time I talk to or look at a woman, I can't help but feel a sense of distrust and a sense of apathy.  It's as though I'm seeing women as something other than human, something more akin to a computer program or a sentient mannequin.   Something that can be disregarded.  I shouldn't view women or anyone for that matter this way.  I have to find a way to stop it before it gets worst.  I've already pissed off a bunch of girls, I don't want to continue that anymore.

Note to self:  Treat women the same way you treat guys.

Comments

I checked a few posts back and I didn't realize people posted comments so I responded.

I've responded to them:

http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2011/05/oh-what-tangled-web-we-weave.html?showComment=1322987488929#c6862970540521079054

http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2011/11/end-of-world.html?showComment=1322532178937#c285019081482444586

If you guys are still reading this, I apologize for not responding sooner.  I didn't realize people were actually reading this and posting comments.

Always Acquaintances, Never Friends

Thanksgiving is over and everyone is back.  It was a nice couple of days off, and there's only two weeks left until I can go back home.  Finally, it's been a very shitty quarter.

Several days before Thanksgiving, I met this girl named Anni Ma.  She came up to me and started a conversation for some reason.  I don't know why she did but every time I responded, she would look down.  My initial judgement was that she didn't really wanted to talk to me since she was trying to get me to vote for her video thing in a contest on facebook, but I can't judge people off of their body language.  I saw her again last night in the laundry room and while I didn't recognize her, she said hi to me and was cheerful about it. Just being friendly I guess, otherwise she wouldn't have said hi.  My body language at time was decent.  I smiled and waved, and that was it.  She was with someone at the time so I didn't get to talk to her.

I screwed up bad today, real bad.  I went to OVT to get something to eat and I sat outside staring at the bridge and apparently Stephanie walked pass me when I was eating.  She didn't say hi so most likely she interpreted that as me discontinuing relations.  I fucked up.  Another relations bite the dust.

I also bumped into Bryan today and I felt like I kind of rushed our conversation a bit.  I hope I didn't screw that up as well.

My experience with Stephanie is the reason why I am always the acquaintance, never close friends with anyone.  I always believed its best that way too.  That way, the less contact I have with people, the less likely I would accidentally piss them off.  Is it the right course of action though?  Opting to never be close with anyone or to accidentally piss off a whole line of people before hitting it off with the right person?  I can't bare the pain of hurting the feelings of other people because I've been there and experienced that, but at the same I really want to be able to learn to socialize with others.  What should I do?

Note to self:  Always be prepared to socialize with others.  Always be softer and nicer when dealing with women.  Don't terminate relations with people when you think you screwed up.

Shifting Focus: Maintaining Relationships

For the last year, I have been trying to initiate contact and conversing with others, and I have been fairly successful at it.  The problem is that once contact was established, I would have a hard time maintaining relations.  I feel that it is time to refocus on my efforts on the next objective, which is maintaining those relationships.  I should have realized this earlier since I have watched relationship after relationship get decimated because of my stupidity, awkwardness or paranoia.  I watched as my friendship with Bill slowly disintegrated over time, watched as my friendship with Eric of building 1 take a dive bomb because I blankly stared at him, and watched just a week ago, as I inadvertently destroyed relations with Stephanie of OVT.  I have few relations left with people on campus, I hope can maintain them, maybe even foster them to grow.  I hope I can succeed.  This is going to be hard, very hard.

Lounge Greg

I met another person yesterday named Greg at the Village Lounge.  He's a biochem major and a third year transfer too.  Apparently, he was living right next to me last year and he remembers me.  How the hell do all these people know and remember me even though I've never seen them before?  My cousin's friends see me all the time around campus, yet I have no idea who they are.  Am I that oblivious?  Anyway, I played two games of pool with him and my conversation with him, though limited, was normal and went smoothly.  My body language and facial expressions were good.  Overall, it was a decent socializing experience.  I also felt kind of freaked out that he had a uncanny resemblance to Song Heng, a friend of mine from middle school.

Several posts ago, I noted that often I can predict things before it happens.  It happened again last night.  When I went to the RIMAC, a voice inside my head told me that Greg was going to be there.  Ten minutes into my workout, he came up and said hi.  Weird.  I wonder if it was possible to make this "ability" into something that I can tap and access at will.

Talk To Me

I went to see my TA tonight.  He's a nice guy and he struck up a conversation with me afterwards about my shoes.  Everything was going well initially and there weren't any anomalies on my part, but as time went on, I felt as though I tensed up and my facial expressions went stoic.  I noticed that the facial expression on my TA changed and he said goodnight and left.  Sucks that something so good ended up so poorly.  Still I was caught off guard that he wanted to talk to me and did well despite the crappy end.  I still don't know how I should go forth with my self therapy.  I've been thinking about talking in front of my webcam to see how my facial expressions look from another person's perspective, though it seems to be a waste of time if I'm not talking to another person.

Cold Reception

It's been a shitty week.  I screwed up things with Stephanie, bombed my midterms and I found out my shoes have freaking holes in it.  To cap it off, I might have accidentally pissed off Greg.  Oh boy, life sure is wonderful. Every time I come back, I'm greeted by a cold reception by my roommates.  I'm not surprised nor am I upset considering how much time I spend alone.  I wish the best to them for next quarter won't be that much different.  Good luck guys.

Stephanie, Misanthropy

I saw OVT Stephanie today working the cashier station.  When she said hi, she didn't even make eye contact.  I'm guessing she's upset at me too.  Sigh.  It might have been because I didn't say hi to her several weeks ago.  I didn't say hi because she was talking to someone and I didn't want to bother her.  Fucking hell, I'm an idiot.  Another loss, gotta keep moving.  I'm tired of this shit, the stupid little nuances that is involved in social interaction with people, it's so complex and subtle that it's driving me insane.  One part of me wants to be a part of humanity, but another part simply wants to hide away because of the amount of bullshit I have to deal with.  I want to give up, but I can't, I must keep moving.

Due to the amount of insanity I have to deal with, I noticed that my misanthropy have increased significantly since I started this project.  I've isolated myself more and more, I tend to notice the little quirks and ticks of various people and tend to be annoyed by it.  I'm finding solitude to be more of a necessity rather than a want.  Maybe this is how the rest of my life is going to be.

Note to self:  Say hi to people even if they or you are busy.  Smile by widening eyes.

The End Of The World

News popped up today that it was Italy is going to be pretty much screwed by their financial problems.  Apparently once their interest rates pass 7%, it would be impossible for them to pay down their debt.  The Eurozone is possibly screwed, and so might the entire world's economy if it does go down.  A part of me is freaking out thinking about the possible economic implications, but another part of me is absolutely happy that the world is going straight to hell.  If it does happen then the entire world will know how I felt back when I was younger, the whole world will feel what it's like to be kicked in the teeth while they're down.  It's selfish, it's schadenfreude.

Hopefully, my plans will work out.  Since I was screwed over at a young age, I realized back then that the only person I can rely on is myself when it comes to survival, and I knew shit like what the world is facing right now would go down eventually.  I made plans left and right throughout the last several years and I hope they will work out.  My parents have listened to some and implemented them, which worked out well, but they won't implement resource intensive ones.  Once I have graduated and working, hopefully I'll have enough cash to implement my other projects; solar panels, greenhouses, the whole shebang.  Ironic that my crappy childhood is going to help my family and I survive the next decade or two.

Another thought crossed my mind today, it was one about Raquel.  Thinking back, I may have accidentally made her upset when we saw each other at the market.  She wished me a safe trip and I went to grab a soda, when I looked back, she was upset.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but I realize now maybe that's why she wasn't as talkative the last few times I saw her.  Fucking hell, I'm an asshole and a stupid one at that.  Raquel, wherever you are, I'm sorry.

Shallow

An old friend of mine contacted me through facebook a few days ago.  It was great to talk to him again and it came as a complete surprise to me.  However, it always seem like that after one message they completely ignore me.  It was the same thing my old friend.  He asked how I was doing and I responded, I asked him how he was doing and it there was... nothing, no response whatsoever.  Sigh.  I always that my relationships with other people were shallow, never anything deep even back when I was able to comfortably socialize with others.  I don't blame them, I blame myself for never making a deeper connection.  Now that I want to, I doubt can any more.

Yeah, Me Neither

I now know why I keep repeating what Julie said a long time ago.  She said, "I don't really like Jason" and I keep repeating it because it was the truth.  She spoke the truth, the truth about what others felt about me and I keep repeating it because it's how I feel about myself, I don't like me either.

15th Floor and Repeating Signal

I went to this grad school info session last night on the fifteenth floor of the Village west tower.  Simply amazing, the view up there was breathtaking and the rooms up there looked like it just opened up.  Sadly, the career services center person never showed up, too bad.  At least there was free Subway, so it was free dinner for the night.  Darvarsh was also there, I got a glimpsed at him a bit and I stared off into the distance.  I think he waved bye to me as he was leaving.  Why didn't I say bye?  I don't get it.  It's like how I was back when I first started.  Am I starting to regress again?

Ever since Julie left, I've been replaying to myself what she said a long time ago, "I don't really like Jason", over and over again to myself.  She's gone, there's nothing I can do, it was my fault, it's time to let go.  I hope I can let go.

Note to self:  Maintain good relations with everyone, know when to stop a conversation.

Marine

I was doing some reading in the laundry tonight, as usual, and this little dude came in and started talking to me.  He said he's a marine, a data marine specifically, and he's one of the strangest guys I have ever met.  He went on and on about that wikileaks guy and stuff about JFK.  Both hilarious and strange at the same time.  My conversation with him, more like a monologue on his part, was well and based on recorded body language, that was fine too.  I did noticed however that I delayed waving goodbye to his friend when he waved to me.  I should fix that.

Note to self:  Wave response faster when people wave to you.

Last Session and Glimpses

Yesterday was my last session.  He said that the only way I can be more social and outgoing is to go out there and meet people, and that there is no method that he knows of besides that.  It sucks, I was hoping that there was some way that he could used to alter my mind, but it looks like I'm shit out of luck.  I'm on my own again.

I also saw Village Market Stephanie yesterday.  Our conversation was brief and she seemed distant.  I'm not surprised really, considering how many times I screwed up and accidentally acted like an asshole towards her.  I'm surprised that she still talks to me every now and then.  Still, it was good to see her again.

On another note, something odd happened yesterday.  When I was going to the restroom in the CAPS building, my mind told me that Dr. Poizner would be in there.  When I opened the door, he was actually there.  Odd.  Things like this would happen to me every now and then, making it seem like I can actually see the future. I always dismissed as either my imagination at work or a luck guess, but this one was so clear that it makes me think there might be something to it.  I'm not saying that I'm a pre-cog or anything of the sort, but I think I'll pay more attention to such things if it happens again.

Ralph, Kevin, Regression

I saw Ralph, one of my roommates during my first year here, several nights ago.  He actually said hi to me and he remembered my name.  What the hell?  He never said hello to me and always pretended to not see me when I was living with him and then the year after.  Why the change of heart now?  People are weird.

Kevin, a guy I met in MGT 135 is gone, most likely dropped.  Meh, it was nice talking to him for the time he was here.  There goes another chance at socializing.

I noticed that I am experiencing regression again.  Today, I saw Professor Houskeeper walking towards me and I did not wave to him until he waved first.  What the fuck?  One of the most basic things I taught myself when I began this whole self therapy thing was to greet others even if they don't greet me.  How the  hell did I forget that?  Another instance was when I watching the Walking Dead in the laundry room and another guy asked me what he missed.  My answer was so blunt that it spooked the hell out of him.  Ugh, it's like I hit the high point of my therapy last year and I'm slowly going back down.

There's still a part of me that still thinks about Julie.  I'm still wondering why every time I saw her, a voice in my head asks, "hey, is that Julie" and another voice keeps saying, "nah, no it's not."  I don't get why I did that.  Is my mind trying to protect itself from harm?  I need to get her out of my mind.

Note to self:  Smile more, think positive thoughts, greet others even when they don't greet you first.

Think Positive

It's Friday night again.  It seems like the rest of my roommates are going out together and having fun.  Good for them.  In the past, I was hurt when I felt like I was the odd man out, but honestly, it doesn't matter to me this year.  I know that anything deeper than a few hi and byes, and a casual conversation every now and then would be an action in futility, so meh.

I met with Dr. Poizner again today and he has helped me a lot.  One of the things he told me was that it seemed like I'm mentally holding myself back with my constant negative thoughts.  He said that I need to balance it out with more positive and realistic ones.  He's right, I need to have more positive thoughts.  I also asked him what was the general format for dating like.  How it starts, how to move from initiation to something long term.  It was nice to hear it from someone who has experience with a normal relationship.  What sucks now is that I have no idea where to go from here on out.  Dr. Poizner asked me what I wanted to accomplish from now on and I honestly couldn't think of anything.  Is this it?  Did I hit a brick wall and this is how it ends?  I hope not because I don't feel that much different than when I first started.

On another note, I finally sent the notes I typed up to Julia.  I don't expect anything to happen, but it will be nice to do something nice for her.  I saw her several nights ago at the village market, it might be the last time I see her...

Note to self: Think positive and realistic thoughts.

Passive Aggressiveness

I wrote a long time ago about how I felt I was vindictive and passive aggressive.  I realize now that it's not just a part of my personality, it IS my personality.  A couple of days ago some idiot did said something to me, and it was a bit innocuous, but I took offense to it and it dwell on my mind for days.  I need to deal with this otherwise every one of my relationships will crash and burn.

Note to self: Don't be passive aggressive

Hungry Hungry Triton

I don't know why, but my appetite has been going insane lately and it has taken a toll on my weight and my wallet.  I just checked my account and realized I ate away $100 within one week.  So fucking stupid of me.  I'm leaving my credit card at my dorm from now on.  I've also adjusted my backpack so that it won't hang so low.  Hopefully it will fix my posture and I won't spook others again.

Dead Like Me

It seems like my INTJ vibe is coming back in full swing.  I've noticed that people throughout the campus are spooked by me again.  It might be the heavy backpack I'm carrying around all the time or worst, my little program isn't working and my mind is slowly adopting to it.  There might be no hope of changing this.  I just might have to accept my fate.

I've always wondered if there were others like me on campus, alone, and concentrated on books and the internet.  It seems like I found some.  Ever since I started spending more time on campus, out of my dorm, I noticed more and more people who look like they're alone.  A week ago, I saw this girl at Price Center just sitting by herself in the corner not doing anything at all.  Just a couple minutes ago, I went up to the roof of building 3 village east and saw a girl sitting on a bench.  She wasn't doing anything, just sitting there, swinging her legs around.  I wonder what was going through her head.  Thinking about these lonely people reminds of this guy I have seen around campus a few times.  The guy's old and talks to himself every time I see him.  One time I showed up to class early and he was sitting in the dark talking to himself.  Freaky stuff, especially since he reminds me of myself.  I hope I won't be like that 50 years from now.

Henry, Kevin, Artificialness

Current progress in my ability to socialize with others have me worried.  It seems as though that after hitting a plateau, my reactions, such as my smiling, conversations etc start to come off as a little fake and I think people can detect it.  Nonetheless, it has helped me make acquaintance with others around campus.  One is called Henry, a freshman computer engineer.  I doubt I'll see him again, but my conversation with him when I met him at OVT came off convincingly as genuine and sincere.  Another, Kevin, in my MGT 135 class, seemed to act normal around me, which is good.  I still need to continue and push forward with my progress.

Current relations with roommates has pretty come down to a cold stand still.  It's not hostile, but it's not friendly either, it's more akin to mutual courtesy toward strangers.  Honestly, I should feel upset, but I don't, they're irrelevant.  I'm actually looking forward to next week's meeting with Dr. Poizner.  He may be new, but it seems like he genuinely cares about helping me cure my problem.  I hope he is effective in doing so.

Note to self:  Be genuine in your emotions and feelings.

Grudges, Anger, Awkwardness

It's been three months since I supposedly saw Julie and I am still thinking about her.  I fucked up bad.  Going through my old posts, I noticed that one of my note to selfs was to maintain good relations with Julie and Ian.  I broke that note to self.  First I made Ian upset and then pissed off Julie because of my stupid grudge against her. I don't understand why, but I just can't let go grudges.  I theorize back then that it was because I was teased a lot when I was younger and acknowledging it, I tried to change my thought process.  It seems like it couldn't hold and I just have to get even no matter what.  I need to stop this, I need to get rid of this, it's already destroyed several potential relationships I've had in the past and now another one.  It seems like I have this burning anger inside me that cannot be quenched and desire for revenge that cannot be satiated.

On a different note, I don't understand what's going with me and my roommates.  I don't know why, but it seems like I freeze up around them and have no idea what to do.  It's like they project this energy field that pretty much destroys everything I learned about my own behavior over the last year and a half, making our interactions extremely awkward.  Strange.

The Lying Game

Relations with my roommates have been normalized.  I have taken steps to normalize things with Cary, and Greg is a pretty nice guy, I bump into him around campus every now and then.  I am still hesitant about interacting with my roommates but it seems like they and I have reached an unspoken agreement that they don't bother me and I don't bother them.  It is the most optimal agreement.

I noticed that with my increased ability to socialize, my ability to lie and generate lies on the fly have increased significantly. It's kind of frightening actually.  I can create a lie as though it was the truth without even thinking about it, and I'm not even sure how I got this ability.  Anyway, I bumped into Darvarsh and Jacob a few nights ago and my conversations with them were acceptable to good.  It's like I'm a normal human being.  Also, the past few days, I noticed that women are happier to see me.  Strange, though I'm not sure if it's the clothes I wear or the vibe I'm giving off is a more happier one.

Note to self:  Keep refining socialization ability.  Increase speed in warming up to others.

Major Screw Up

I've been getting jitters just going out there and talking to my roommates, no, not even talking, just passing by and saying hi and I couldn't even do that without screwing up.  I passed by the commons area on my way out and I saw three of my roommates.  One of them was Cary, and I said hi to all three, but I don't think Cary heard me.  I looked at him for a couple of seconds out of the corner of my eye and walked away since I felt it was starting to get awkward.  As I walked out the door and looked back, it seemed like Cary was upset.  God damn it, I fucked up and it's only the first fucking week.  I hate myself.  Why the hell did I look at the corner of my eye?  Why the hell didn't I greet him again just to make sure he heard?  I'm a fucking idiot.  I'm experiencing a massive regression, I'm reminding myself of things I should have remembered a year ago.  I wish I was dead.

NOTE TO SELF:  Never look at someone out of the corner of your eye .  Always greet someone again if necessary to make sure they heard you. When greeting a group, greet them as a whole.

Party Like It's The End Of The World

Oh goody, my roommates are having a party with a bunch of people invited over.  Welcome to hell.  Some how, some girl named Rachael managed to burst into my room even though my door was locked.  She invited me to go out there and join them.  I tried my best to respectfully decline. After my experience with my roommates during my first year after "partying" with them, I can't tell if I dodged a bullet or screwed up my chance at socializing.   I never understood how people can stand parties, to me it's just pure unfettered chaos, not to mention that you can barely have an audible conversation with another person.

This little incident did reveal something to me, I still have social anxiety.  After Rachael burst in, my heart was racing and I was in fight or flight mode, I wasn't mentally prepared to be meeting someone at the time.  When I declined her invitation, I was stuttering a bit and might have accidentally disrespected her friend.  I still have a long way to go, but unlike drinking, I won't be adapting to make partying a part of my routine.

Drinking Socially and Inability to Relate

Cary and Greg invited me to drink a couple of shots with them a couple of minutes ago.  They're nice guys, but I had to decline because I don't drink.  This has got me thinking about the aspect of drinking in socializing.  It sucks but it seems like every culture's "grown up" socializing involves chugging down a few beers during happy hour on a friday night.  The Americans do it, the Chinese do it, the Russians, the Irish, the British, everyone does it.  What's more worrying is the job promotion aspect of it.  I don't think it's true everywhere, but it seems like people get promoted more based on their likability and often they socialize rather than their ability to perform, which pretty much puts a glass ceiling over my head from the get go.  I guess I'll have to develop a taste for it, for the sake of sociability, someday.  I hope I don't get addicted.

Note to sell: Don't give off an annoyed look, always be happy.

New Roommates and the Home Stretch

It's the 18th and my new roommates are moving in.  I have already met Greg, Spencer, and Cary, two remaining.  I already got the feeling Spencer doesn't really like me.  Not surprising really, I think I gave off an alert-at-guard kind of vibe.  I can already tell that this year, my last year here, is going to be a really lonely one.  I really need to be more outgoing around other guys.  it seems like I'm more outgoing around women, but constantly on edge around men.

Despite the last two years of meeting new people over and over again, it seems like I am still nervous when meeting new people.  A small part of me simply wants to hide away and not have to interact with anyone.  Sigh,  I wish I hadn't spurned Julie's affection.

Note to self:  Smile more and be more outgoing around both genders.  Attempt to remain in good relations with Spencer.

Francesca

Well, I'm back in San Diego again and summer is pretty much over.  It sucks that two weeks ended so fast, but such is life right?   The upside is that I met this girl named Francesca during my shuttle ride back from the airport. She's brilliant and my conversation with her was good, even better than good, I was able to maintain an interesting conversation with her with ease.  Though at the end, I was slowly trailing off.  It's good to know that I did not regress as badly as thought I would.

Also, I bumped into Abbey tonight, which was nice.  Strange, I thought she graduated already.

 Note to self:  keep socializing, keep practicing.

What Could Have Been

It's two in the morning and I'm staring up at the ceiling with my laptop beside me.  There isn't much to do here really.  Every time I come back home, I pretty much spend my time playing video games and doing nothing.  The only other thing I do is reminisce the past.

My life is full of regrets.  So many chances at something great, something decent, tossed away due to fear or hesitation or stupid mistakes.  Right now, I can't stop thinking about Julie and the chance I had with her.  That day near OVT keeps popping up in my head and I keep wondering if it was her that yelled.  I haven't contacted her through facebook because honestly, what am I hoping to accomplish?  Getting back with her?  There wasn't anything there in the first place because I never gave it a chance.  Fuck it, it's over, it's gone.  I wonder what would've happened if I wasn't near her that day, the day I over heard her saying, "I don't really like Jason."  Would she and I would have been a couple?  Would she and I have dated?  It doesn't matter now, all I can do is wonder what could have been.  Again.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Summer sessions are over, and I suffered a massive setback in my classes.  I seriously think I screwed up my finals.  It doesn't matter now, it's over and I'm back home in San Francisco.  In two weeks I'll be back in UCSD again finishing my last year there.  I don't know why but I broke down into tears today, and memories of my time with Katherine came flooding back.  It's been three years, why can't I let go of her?  Why can't I forget about her and move on?

Looking around my room has me frightened to the core.  Is this where I'll be staying for the next seven to ten years of my life?  Could be the place I'll end up for the rest of my life?  No, I won't let this happen, I must keep pushing forward, I have to find a great job, and a nice girl to settle down with, I can't give up.

Note to self:  Be happy when talking to strangers.

Dedicated to Bryan and the Ladies at the Village Front Desk

Well, it's here, summer session is finally over and I'm moving again.  I'm moving into the Village East Tower.  It seems kind of fitting to end my time at UCSD this I guess, I started out in Village West Tower and hopped from building to building until I finally got there.  I gotta say Village East Tower is pretty damn creepy place.  There's something about the lighting and the narrow, winding corridors.  You can't even see 20 feet in front of you without another bend, and who the heck thought dark gray would be a good color to paint the halls.  Anyway, it's going to be home for the next year so I gotta get used to it I guess.

In my last post I wrote about the high lights of this summer, but I didn't write about the people who made it happen.  This is for Bryan, my roommate during the summer.  He is seriously one of the nicest and most relaxed guys I have ever met.  Out of the folks living with me, he was the only one that invited me to do stuff with him and have conversations.  Bryan, where ever you are, thank you, it was nice to meet an amazing person like you.

Another group of people who made my summer brighter are the students working the village front desk, specifically Janet Fernandez and Brittany M.  I was in a total pickle today and they went above and beyond what was necessary to help me.  Thank you ladies for your hard work and dedication.

One Year and Alone

Summer's coming to an end and I can't help but look back at the last two years.  What exactly have I accomplished?  I've become more outgoing and made some acquaintances like Darvarsh and this guy name Imir.  I'm also more social around people and gotten along well my summer roommates.  It seems like I'm making good progress but I still feel like I have an empty hole in my body.  I feel so alone.  Is this what life is going to be like for me for the rest of my life?  Constantly moving from one place to another, never achieving or establishing any deep, meaningful relationships despite my constant attempts to do so?  Am I going to spend every Friday night and the weekends by myself surfing the internet?  God, I'm so lonely.

I've been thinking about Julie lately, over and over again.  I keep on wondering whether that was her that day, near OVT when some girl yelled, "hey, do you want to get some ice cream?!"  Maybe it was her and I screwed up or maybe its just wishful thinking, either way, I should have investigated further.  Maybe I should message her over Facebook, I doubt she'll respond.  The situation with Julia has simply fizzled out.  Every now and then, I notice that she would look to see if it was me if I was right at the corner of her eye.  I should investigate further, but I doubt anything is going come out of it.  I've been planning to type up the notes for MGT 132 and sending it to her over Facebook, it's the least I can do I guess.

One other high note during this summer is meeting Professor Tang in my econ class.  Dear God, she's both brilliant and beautiful.  She makes going to class worth it but she makes it super hard to concentrate.  Heh, I always had a thing for intelligent and older women. Strangely enough, I think she's attracted to me too. During my first day, I noticed that she took noticed of me when I walked in.  She stared a couple of seconds, broke contact and stared again a couple of seconds later.  A week ago, she was talking about a topic and when she at looked me, she froze up and stared at me with her mouth open for four whole seconds.  She then shook it off and turned back to the class to continue the lecture.  I was wearing a tight fitting polo shirt that day.  Was she attracted to me?  There was another time when she looked up from her notes, made eye contact with me, and immediately looked back down.  That's the type of thing that shy girls tend to do.  I must be imagining things, though it wouldn't be first time an older women was attracted to me.  Man, I would be lucky to be with a woman who is like Professor Tang.  If such a day ever comes.

Note to self:  Remember to maintain good posture while sitting and standing.  Remember to raise eyebrows when smiling.

Job Worries and the Economy

There is only one year left until I graduate and I'm starting to fucking freak out.  I haven't done any internships or any other stuff that would help get a job out of college.  That's the downside of taking school nonstop throughout the year and summer, I guess.  People keep saying that the unemployment rate for college graduates is less than 5%, but I have to call bullshit on that.  I believe those statistics doesn't take into account of those who only recently graduated.  People who already got into the industry that they want will have an easier time finding another job due to experience and various human networks.  New graduates on the other hand do not have those resources, making it much more difficult to get a job.  Not only that, I believe the various released statistics are skewed and doesn't tell the whole story.  Those statistics do not take into account how many graduates are being underemployed.  For example, my RA during my first year here, was an astrophysics major.  I got curious a couple months back, went onto her facebook page and found out that she was working at Mervyns or Ross or some other retail store.  It may be one case, but I'm pretty sure its not that uncommon.  This combined with the fact that a double dip recession is about 80% likely has sent shivers down my spine.  Gotta get ready for the real world.

The reason I'm doing this whole self modification/improvement program is not just because I'm afraid I won't be able to get married, but also because I'm afraid I won't be able to get a job.  Thanks to the whole "human beings are social animals" bullshit, people have to network and be cheerful and all that crap.  Ugh, I wish the world was a pure meritocracy but it unfortunately doesn't work that way.  Hopefully with the one year remaining, I can improve my personality to point that I seem normal to other human beings.

The Bistro and Posture

I went to the Bistro today with Bryan and Tom.  They invited me to go along with them, they're amazingly nice people.  For the most part, my conversations with them were pretty normal, but there were times that I felt that my contribution to the conversation was unnecessary or uninteresting.  Otherwise, my personal behavior and responses were socially acceptable, at least from my perspective.  I still have to remember how to smile more often.  The Bistro is a fancy looking place with the food and price to match it.  Though the food looks great, it was bland and pretty much tasteless.  Tom and Bryan pretty much agreed with my assessment and commented that the chips were pretty much the best part of our meal.  I think I'll stick with Goody's and OVT from now on.

My back is killing me.  Spending so much in front of the computer is screwing up my posture.  I'm afraid I'll end looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

There is only one week left until summer is over.  It will be the exactly one year since I started this little program of mine and I can say I made some good progress.  Man, time passed by fast, one more year to go.

Note to self:  Sit up straight and don't walk with a hunch.

Hey Wanna...

I've been thinking about the whole dating and hanging out with people thing.  It seems like people have no problem what so ever asking someone to hang out with them so the question is why can't I do that?  I don't know why but even back in high school, even when I wanted to hang out with people, I never bother to ask them.  Too late now I suppose, but realizing this has allowed me to see another obstacle that I will have to overcome.  If I ever want to initiate a relationship, I have to do the initiating.

On another note, I've been visiting the foreveralone section of Reddit more and more.  Not exactly the most healthy of habits.  It seems like the folks there are in the seem rut as me, INTJ, loner, some friendless and many others in their early 20s hoping to change.  I hope they achieve their goals, I hope I can achieve mine too.

Social Etiquette and To Be Hated

The tremors, they're coming back.  The aspect that I hate most about my social anxiety is the physical toll it takes on me, not just the psychological portion.  I don't know how it's possible but for some reason, every time I'm anxious or doubting myself, my brain feels like someone is gripping it tightly and something is crawling inside various parts of my body.  I absolutely hate it and it's been getting worst for the last two weeks.  Two times already, I stared at my teacher not knowing how to respond, like a deer in headlights.  One of my greatest fear is to be targeted for retribution by a teacher.  I wouldn't be surprised if he hated my guts.

Since I was a little kid, I've been targeted by virtually everyone, from classmates to total strangers on the street.  Due to such events, I've became reclusive and introverted, and with it I lost my understanding on what is right and what is wrong when it comes to social etiquette.  This has made it even worst.  I always do something wrong and end up offending people, making me more reclusive.  It's basically a self perpetuating system.  Hopefully I can break the cycle.

On another note, I made a post a long time ago about a girl that works at OVT, apparently her name is Stephanie.  She's nice and strangely I don't feel the compulsion to avoid her.  Maybe I'm making progress in the part.

Note to self:  Learn manners and acceptable social behaviors.

Getting Close to Others

Despite my moderate success in changing myself over the last year or so, I still have not dealt with the issue that is affecting me most, getting close to someone.  Looking back at the last ten years of my life, I realize that I have never truly closely emotionally bonded with anyone besides Katherine.  Even Wendy, who I consider my closest friend throughout middle school and high school, weren't that emotionally close.  Despite knowing her for a decade, it was only recently that I found out when was her birthday and it was only done through facebook.  Every time someone tries to get close, I always push them away no matter what.  I am still trying to get over this knot like feeling in my mind and let someone get close to me.  That is if there is someone who actually wants to get close to me.

Note to self:  Let your guard down, be vulnerable, get close to others.

Sounding Stupid

So far I've been successful at basic interactions with people using simple greetings such as hi, bye and questioning which indicates that I am becoming more extroverted, however, I have noticed an obstacle.  Sometimes the stuff I say come out sounding weird or stupid to the person listening even though I don't intend it to be.  Other people don't realize that the things I'm saying are coming from another approach or from another point of view.  I guess I should be more direct and straightforward.

I went to my accounting 133 class today and found out that the class was supposed to start next week.  Fun stuff.  Me and a dozen other students spent half a hour waiting for the professor to arrive.  During that time, I've made contact with a couple of people.  One was Eric, another was Dalphine, and Chelsea.  After the professor didn't show up, I called up the folks at rady to ask what was going on.  After I relayed the message about the class being cancelled, I became the center of attention of the class.  It was both nice and unnerving at the same time.  Unfortunately, I might have broke social etiquette when dealing with Eric.

Note to self:  Take the initiative, remember social etiquette and be more straightforward when talking to people.

Self Analysis Report and Dexter

I haven't done a self analysis in a while,but I believe things are getting better.  My ability to communicate with others have improved drastically and because of it, my relations with Mike and Bryan has improved as well.  I can talk to them and maintain a decent conversation with them.  My interactions with total strangers have also improved such as those with cashiers and former professors like Professor Housekeeper.  I'm actually not afraid of greeting people or talking to them anymore.  However, despite these gains, I noticed that I have become more reluctant when it comes to speaking to women.  I don't know why that is, it could be due to my negative experience with the women here at UCSD.  I am trying though, I can maintain eye contact, smile, etc. basically act normal, but there still isn't any connection on a deeper level with a female.  I'll keep trying.

I've also been watching Dexter the last week or so, catching up on the last five seasons.  I can't believe I've never paid any attention to this series before.  The show is absolutely phenomenal and the main character is someone I can actually relate to.  Out all the shows I have watched in the past and all the characters I have seen, I feel that I can relate to Dexter the most.  Aside from the whole murdering people left and right thing, he and I are almost alike.  He tries to fit into a world that he does not understand, he tries to relate to people but fails often because he can't feel what they feel, and he does his best to put up a mask of normalcy just like me.  He often talks about adapting to survive and thrive in the world him, similar to what I'm doing now, trying to change my personality to fit in mainstream society.  Needless to say, I'm hooked and I'm looking towards to season 6.

On another note, I bumped into Julia at the village market when she was the cashier.  She looked at me and smiled and said hi.  I said hi in return with a monotonic voice and it seemed like it made her upset.  She looked down in disappointment for about a second and went on with her business.  Is she still attracted to me?  It doesn't make sense.  Must investigate further.

Note to self:  Remember to smile.

Dinner and Isolation

I had dinner with Mazza yesterday.  He drove us to this Japanese place to eat some ramen noodles.  It was nice and kind of weird at the same time.  Nice because Mazza is the closest thing to a friend I had in a very long time and weird because I have never actually gone out with someone before.  The closest thing to hanging out with someone was when I was back in high school when I went over to Brian's place to play the gamecube with him and Henry.  Man, I've been isolated so long that the concept of spending time with someone is now completely foreign to me.  I'm seriously going to miss Mazza when he graduates.

Things between me and my roommates are neutral.  I honestly feel like they're spooked by me.  Mike and Bryan talks to me sometime but things are slowly unraveling.  Bryan used to say hi or bye when I come back but he doesn't do so lately.  I hope I can improve relations.  It seems like I'm blaming others for my isolation, but I know that it is I who is isolating myself.  I must push myself out there and meet others.

I was right, choosing a single room for the summer and the fall was a mistake.  I'm on pretty shaking ground with the others and relations with Andrew is pretty much a lost cause.  Doesn't matter keep moving.

On another note, I think I saw Julie yesterday, I'm not really sure though.  God, I'm so lonely, I might be imagining the woman I had a crush on in the vain hope that I can see her again.  God, I'm pathetic.

Note to self:  Improve relations with Bryan, Mike and Andrew.  When someone asks you, "how's it going?" always answer, do not assume it's merely greeting.  Modify see ya to see ya later.

Contact Terminated

I saw Leah again a few days ago.  She was sitting on a bench and was talking to her friends.  As I approached to get to the door to class, I looked down at the soda bottle I was holding to avoiding making eye contact with her.  I don't know why I did that, I just felt I shouldn't talk to her, I just felt that talking to her was a lost cause.  I guess she noticed and she didn't say hi yesterday after seeing me.  Maybe the whole "I actually want to be alone subconsciously" thing is true after all.

I saw Darvash again yesterday and said hi.  Unfortunately I had to cut my conversation with him short because I had to go to class.  Apparently he lives right next to me.

I've been talking a lot to Bryan lately, nice guy.  It seems like the more and more I talk to him, the more uncomfortable he seems to appear.  I hope I don't screw things up with him.

On another note, I've been analyzing my conversations with others and it seems like I contribute nothing at all to a conversation.  It's always answering questions or asking questions, never anything else.  I don't know why I'm like that.

Note to self:  Be more interactive and engaged in a conversation.  Give more information about yourself to others.  Don't give off information that might scare others.

Darvash

I met someone new today while playing pool, his name is Darvash.  We talked for a bit, asking each other questions and such.  During the whole conversation, I realized that I was mumbling and stuttering a bit.  I also noticed that I was constantly asking questions as though I was interrogating him.  I made a promise to myself not to do that a long time ago, but it seems like I keep jumping back and forth.  While the conversation we had went well, I think I screwed up the ending.  He said, "I hope I'll see you here again." or something like that.  I smiled, gave a slight chuckle and said see ya.  Looking back now, it seems kind of rude.  I never thought of it that way before since I tend to do it so much.  Stupid of me, another potential contact lost.  Well at least our conversation was normal.

Note to self:  Remove "see ya" from everyday vocabulary.  Say, "it was nice meeting you"  when saying goodbye to someone you've met.

Women Wary

A long, long time ago, I wrote a post about how I thought I was subconsciously misogynistic.  Even though I stated that I didn't think I was, that thought has stuck in my head ever since.  I have come to the realization that even though I'm not misogynistic, I am actually wary of women.  After being hurt for so many times, I think I have reached a point where I'm extremely cautious around women.  That might explain why I'm so cautious around Leah and any other girl I encounter.  I saw her yesterday sitting outside of class, I approached her and she said hi without a smile.  Strangely enough, even though I told myself to be happy when seeing someone, I didn't smile at her either.  Sigh, another contact lost.

Speaking of women, I'm having a hard time dealing with one of the staff at the Village.  Allison Goebbels is her name, I believe.  I don't know what's up with her, I keep getting the feeling she hate my guts.  Man, I only recall interacting with her four times throughout the entire year and every single time it's the same thing.  Though this time, I might have acted a little creepy.  She stated that the computer froze up, looked at me and laughed, I looked at her and laughed a bit too.  I realized that I maintained eye contact for about 1.5 seconds too long and that may have freaked her out.  Meh, whatever.

On another note, I've read the article that zambecki gave me (thanks again by the way), and their theory on why introverts exist is interesting.  They stated that it was due to evolutionary pressure that creates introverts and extroverts, and it makes sense.  Those who stick their head out, the extroverts, can find new resources and potentially flourish, but if they run into trouble, it will be the introverts that survive.  Unfortunately for my case, I'm not just an introvert, I'm a lone wolf and possibly anti-social.  I have always pushed away people for some reason and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to relate to people, I can't even hold a conversation with others anymore.  Sadly for me, my genes may prove to be dead end.

Huh, I just came back from the market and apparently Julia is working during the summer.  So much for my prediction.

Note to self:  Ease up on the smiling and don't be creepy.

Leah and Massive Regression

 Leah sat next to me on Thursday, I was surprised, but it's most likely that she was late.  I noticed that every time she talked to me, I get the feeling that she thinks I'm annoyed by her.  I also noticed that I have a hard time talking to someone if they are sitting right next to me.  I also forgot to smile when looking at her.  I pretty much screwed it up, she didn't sit next to me today.  I believe I am experiencing massive regression.  When some guy said "Welcome to Goody's", I only looked at him and smiled.  Recent conversations with people have shown that I cannot even maintain eye contact any more when talking to someone.  It seems as though I break eye contact after a certain amount of time.  My little brother says it looks like an eye roll even though it isn't.  I hope people aren't interpreting it that way.  I also talked with Mike a bit and it was a mess.  I mumbled, stuttered and didn't know what to say.  God, I'm fucked, two years here and I'm reverting back to what I am before I got here.  God, if you're watching, can you please just put an end to my suffering right now?  Thanks.

I'm slowly becoming more and more accepting that deep down inside, I don't actually want to be with anyone.  Even though consciously, I want to have many close friends and a relationship, it seems as though my subconsciousness doesn't and it shows.  Maybe someday I'll completely accept it, but for now I'll keep on trying to change.

On another note, it seems like the The Village Tower East is housing families.  I keep seeing a bunch of kids running around and entire families coming out of there.  Are they turning it into an actual apartment?

Note to self:  Be happy when seeing and meeting people.

Interaction

As predicted, Leah has not reappeared today, the only time I saw her again was yesterday at price center.  I looked at her and she said hi and I greeted back, that's it, that's all.  She's not even an acquaintance.  I tried talking to my roommates, Brian and Mike yesterday and based upon their facial expression, they were uncomfortable talking to me.  I know that I'm supposed to try to continuing socializing with people, but I think it's already a lost cause with these guys.  I'm currently limiting contact with them as much as possible.

On another note someone posted this on UCSDFML.com:
http://ucsdfml.com/2011/06/28/im-an-asian-male-engineering-major-with/#comments

It's almost kind of comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this.  Kind of sickening actually.

Leah

I bumped Leah, a girl I met in Ochem 140B last quarter, today.  Apparently she dropped Whitesell like I did and is retaking during the summer.  We talked a bit and she started talking about how things was and stuff.  I looked at her to listen attentively, but I noticed that she eventually trailed off and stopped.  I realized that my facial expression at the time seemed like I was looking at her as if she was crazy.  Another screw up.  I can't believe that I'm telling myself again, but be more interactive when talking to the people.  It's so ironic that I can read other's body language and yet so unaware of my own.  It's also kind of freaky how similar she looks to Lea Limbo, a girl I met back in community college.  I'll try to talk to her again, that is if she is sitting next to me tomorrow.

It also seems like Andrew, Mike, and Brian is getting along quite well.  Good for them.  I don't know why I'm quite hesitant in going out there and talking to them.  It seems like there is this gnawing sensation in my chest every time I think about it.

On another note, as predicted Julia is not taking classes during the summer so she isn't in my accounting class.   I'm all alone.  I miss Julie.

Note to self:  Always turn your entire body towards a person when talking to them.  Be more interactive during a conversation and don't stare at them like they're crazy.

He Is Number Four

Another roommate moved in today, guy number four.  Though part of me wants to go out there and shake his hand and say hi, I feel... hesitant to do so.  Not only that, but when I was back home, I was nervous about ordering food from Dominoes.  I don't know why but I just was.  Man, I seriously regressed a bit.  I fear that living in a single room, it has become my own prison.

I miss Julie, I made a mistake.  I hate myself so much for holding a grudge against her, for not expressing how much I was attracted to her.  I screwed up, again.  Every bit of me wishes that she's still at UCSD next year, but I know the chances of that is slim to none.

Update:  Made contact with the new guy, Brian.  I was slightly shaking, and stuttered a bit.  He also tried ending the conversation, but I continued on anyway, stupid.  Should practice meeting people more.

Update 2:  Brian and Mike spent the night talking to each other.  Seems like they're getting along well, odd man out again for me.  I just don't get how some people can socialize so well with others without effort.

Note to self:  Interact more with roommates

I'm Leaving On A Jetplane...

God, I hate going to the airport.  Every single fucking time I'm at the airport I screw up socially somehow.  This time the luggage guy asked a question and I thought he was making a statement so I simply stared at him.  One passenger let me go ahead of him and I looked at him and said thanks.  He thought I was angry or pissed off somehow and made some remark.  God, I hate dealing with people, but in some ways, it's a type of litmus test to see how I'm progressing.  Dealing with people at UCSD can be ingrained, programmed by familiarity, but people outside is completely random.  Guess I'll have to work on it.

On another note, I believe the INTJ vibe/death glare is actually the mode we go into when we're super focused on a certain objective.  We become super concentrated on it and feelings, emotions, and all that "human" stuff gets left behind.

Note to self: Smile when saying goodbye.  Don't be so caught up in something.

Do Unto Others As You Want Done Unto You

I'm so impatient with people especially when I'm playing some stupid competitive game.  My mom and dad were asking me some questions and I got impatient with answering them.  My dad was trying to give me some advice, but I pretty much tried to end the conversation as quickly as possible.  I'm an asshole.  No more games, I want to improve my people skills then I have to get rid of my games and be more attentive to people.  I guess the reason I'm treated so poorly by strangers is because I keep treating the people I know and care for so poorly.  Karma, what goes around comes around, I guess.  I'm deleting all the games off my hard drive.

Note to self:  Be more attentive to people.  It doesn't matter what task you're doing, people comes first.  

Self Denial of Happiness

Great, now I can't stop thinking about Julie.  I keep wondering why I didn't let go of my grudge, why every time I saw her, this voice in my head keeps going, "nah, that's not her, keep moving."  Why do I do this?  I'm so afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, but it seems like I'm destroying every chance I get.  I wish I could back in time and spent more time with her.

Note to self:  Don't be so passive aggressive.

Check Up and Dinner

I'm back in San Francisco and I'm freezing my ass off.  The weather has been surprisingly nice lately, it was still sunny and bright outside even though it was around eight pm.  I went to the doctor yesterday for a standard checkup and all the folks there were taking notice of my vibram shoes.  I was answering questions left and right and it helped me practice my sociability skills a bit.  It was nice, but I should go out more instead of laying in bed for the next week or so.

I came back from eating out at a restaurant with my relatives for father's day.  Their behavior around me doesn't seem that welcoming.  I've been thinking, what if I'm simply unlikable.  I kept on changing myself for the people around me throughout my life.  When I talked too much, I shut up.  When I was too quiet, I opened up.  When I was boring, I became interesting.  So on, so forth, but I am seldom accepted by people.  Maybe I'm simply unlikable no matter what I do.

Addendum:  It's the next day and I can't stop thinking about Julie.  I don't know why, but the more and more I think about, the more I feel that I made a mistake in rejecting her even though I was attracted to her.  I screwed up so fucking bad.  I should have forgiven her and tried to start a relationship with her.  Both of us wanted it to happen but I was too stupid and stubborn to let go of my grudge.  I fucked up.  A long time ago, I promised myself to start a relationship with any girl who was interested. Julie was interested and I destroyed it.  I'm a fucking idiot, I deserve my loneliness.

Note to self:  Don't say stupid redundant shit.  Start a relationship with any girl who is interested.

It's Too Late To Apologize...

During the last few days of the quarter, I think I bumped into Julie two times around the campus.  I should have apologized in person rather than in facebook.  Lost chances, many regrets.

Note to self:  Always do apologies in person.  Always be the first one to initiate contact when repairing relations.

Monday, Post-graduation, Andrew

It's Monday, the day after all the graduation hoopla that happened during the weekend.  As I walked to price center, past the empty soccer field, I couldn't help but tear up a little.  I feel like I should have been there with them, that I should have walked across that stage, but at the same time I felt relieved that I didn't, knowing the economic conditions out there.  Watching everyone graduate those three days also reminded me of how I failed. How I failed to make friends, how I failed to become a well socialized member of society, how I failed to get a girlfriend even though Julia and Julie was interested in me.  Two years, and I accomplished nothing, even my little program to become more outgoing is slowly slipping away bit by bit.

I spent the afternoon today watching Cast Away, the movie about Tom Hanks being stuck on an island after his plane crashes.  I feel just like him; alone, full of regrets, fighting for survival, contemplating ending it all.  He survives in the end and gets back with his wife though.  I wonder if I can do the same.

On another note, my current roommate Andrew doesn't seem that happy to talk to me.  Either I said something stupid and hurt his feelings or he just plain doesn't like me.  Meh, wouldn't be the first.  It doesn't matter, my interactions with him are a means to an end.  The more I practice, the better I get at talking to people and the higher the chances I'll have at getting married, that is what matters in the end.

Note to self:  Keep interacting with Andrew and other people.

Julie Tu, Bunni3Tu

Several posts ago, I mentioned how I wouldn't miss Julie after she said she didn't like me.  I was wrong, I do miss her.  Despite her misgivings, her attempts to befriend me and her attraction to me should have made up for it.  But I was too stubborn, too much of a prideful fool to see the whole picture.  She and I would have been great together, but I was too stupid to see it.  Instead, I sought ways to hurt her as much as possible and I succeeded.  I let my anger and hatred take control, and I destroyed the spirit of someone who would've accepted me no matter what.  I wished I didn't, I wish I was dead.  I'm sorry Julie.

I sent two messages to her through facebook, apologizing for what I did.  Both of them were one way, no response from her.  Understandable.  I asked before why I do this to myself, why I keep punishing myself by pushing away people who, despite their faults, wanted to befriend me.  I do not have a definitive answer, but maybe perhaps I do deserve my misery and my loneliness.  Maybe I do deserve the hatred and rejection that have and ever will be thrown at me.  Maybe I do deserve to be and die alone.

I lost Katherine due to my cowardice and she was absolutely compatible with me.  Now I lost Julie due to my hatred and stubbornness, and she would have been compatible with me.  I screwed up, I screwed up big time.  As I stated before, the universe might finally tire of me pushing women away, it could be over already.

Note to self:  Life is not a competition, learn to forgive and forget, it's not always about winning.

Talking to Strangers

Dear sweet Moses, I'm horrible interacting with total strangers.  I bumped into some guy named Tyler who was moving into the fifth floor of the building I'm living in.  We spoke a bit and I totally fubar'd his name.  From the data log at the time it seems as though I didn't smile and I didn't tilt my head up to look at him.  Another one was last night when some dude and his friend came in the elevator.  I was with Mazza at the time and the asked us whether we moved in or not.  I started talking and he just looked down on the ground and said cool.  Most likely he's more of an asshole than me screwing up but still, I have to wonder.

Update:  Met Tina, one of the friends of my unknown roommate, Mike.  Interaction was decent, but I was giving off that "vibe".  Man, I can feel myself regressing by the second.

Note to self:  Get out more and meet new people.

Friday, Friday, I'm Movin' Out On Friday...

I moved out today and into my summer dorm.  I said my goodbyes to Eric and Jacob, I'm going to miss them.  They are pretty much the best roommates I have had.  I'm now in a single room and the only other guy living here doesn't seem that interactive.  Sigh, I hope I don't regress during the summer, I made so much progress during the year, I don't want it to slide back into my default state.

I'm beginning to question my choice of choosing a single room for the fall.  While it does have its benefits, the downside is that I seldom get to talk to people.  The time I spent sharing the room with Eric has helped me a lot dealing with my social anxiety and it has made me into a better conversationalist.

I'm also beginning to miss Julie.  I can't believe that I'm even saying that, but I can't help but wonder what could have been.  It's too late now, she most likely graduated today.  Stupid indecisiveness.

Update:  Roommate, Andrew, is more interactive than I thought, though it seems he has a hard time understanding me.  I should increase voice output and be more concise and clear.

Note to self:  Keep interacting with people every chance you get during the summer, DON'T REGRESS!

Do a Barrel Roll!

I just Stephanie at the market and immediately walked out.  Sigh.  In one of my notes to self, I promised not to avoid Stephanie, but I just can't help it.  It's like I consciously want to get close to people, but subconsciously I don't want to.  When I saw her, I could actually feel my adrenal glands clench up and give a shot to my entire body.  I shouldn't avoid her.

On another note, Bryce just left.  I totally screwed up saying goodbye to him.  I was wearing headphones at the time and he said something, I turned and said see ya.  Man, what the fuck am I doing?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Update:  I managed to converse with Stephanie so that should make up for it.

Note to self:  DON'T AVOID STEPHANIE!  DON'T RUN AWAY FROM HER!  When someone is talking to you, take the time to listen to them no matter what you're doing.

Did I Destroy What Was Suppose to Be?

Did I destroy what was suppose to happen and somehow altered the course of my life?  When I was younger, I could "sense" things.  I would have dreams and premonitions and months later they would happen.  I'm starting to wonder if I changed something that caused me to nose dive this quarter.  I mean I did pretty well on my first ochem midterm then everything went to hell.  That was after I acted like an asshole to Julie.  I'm not saying that the universe or the timeline is somehow conscious and is actively punishing me for it because that would be crazy, but what if it's possible.  When I do something stupid, something horrible even though I believe myself to be in the right, I would get this chill down my spine and somehow I knew I would get punished for it.  I bombed nearly all my midterms and all my finals this quarter, but yet I feel nothing at all.  No panicking, no breaking down, no freaking out.  What's going on with me?

The endless cycle continues.  Another year, another repeat.  Last year when everybody finally moved out, when that hellish nightmare was finally over, I broke down and cried.  I sacrificed everything to win.  Potential friendships, potential relationships, I sacrificed every one of those to achieve victory over my shitty roommates.  A pyrrhic victory.  One of those potential relationships I sacrificed was one with Julie, but I was stubborn at the time and regretted it later on.  Then I became a stubborn asshole again and am now regretting it over again.  Some things never change.

Why the Sad Face?

Jeez, new cashier at Cafe V.  She smiled at me, but I didn't smile back.  Stupid.  Really odd since I smiled at one of the cashiers at the Village Market and the old lady at the book buyback.  Think happy thoughts.  Smile more.

Failure

I think I bombed my accounting final.  As I said before, I don't know what's going on this quarter, but I'm getting knocked down one bit at a time.  I think I might even have to retake my accounting class.  Going from a A- last quarter in the first section of the MGT131 to a possible D or F in MGT131B is simply depressing.  I don't think  I can go on.

On another note, some guy from my accounting class came up to talk to me at burger king after the final.  He was talking to me a bit then order came up and I went to grab it.  After that, he stopped talking and until I initiated the conversation.  He wasn't very talkative after that.  Sigh, another screw up.  So what exactly do I have?  Academic prowess? Nope, that shit is going down the gutter.  Sociability? Nope.  Nine fucking months and I haven't accomplished anything.  In fact I LOST friends.  I accidentally scared the shit out of Eric of building one.  I accidentally pissed off Shannon of building eight.  I terminated contact with Phoebe in an absolutely horrible way.  I continued to hold a grudge against Julie until the bitter end and pissed off Ian in the process.  It's hopeless.  I failed.  I accomplished nothing.  I'm a failure.  I wish my parents' weren't such superstitious idiots and actually bought life insurance for me.  If they did, I would've play chicken with a tractor trailer a long time ago.

Note to self:  Never interrupt a person when they are talking to you.

You Gotta Get Hurt

I went to see Dr. Riemann yesterday for another one of my sessions.  She says that I'm over thinking things and that I'm seeing the world in black and white.  She also stated that in order to have a relationship, I must be willing to get hurt because that is part of the process.  I understand what she said, but following it through is a lot more harder.  Do I really see the world in a black and white way?  I guess I do when it comes to dealing with people. I guess I should take her advice and try to work on that.

On another note, based on Dr. Riemann's body language, it seems like she is annoyed by me.  I don't know if I should keep going, after all, the stuff she says and advice she gives are stuff I have already figured out on my own.  I wouldn't be surprised if she's tired of me too.

Note to self:  You must be willing to get hurt to make something work.  Be more active in maintaining relationships.

Facial Modification:  Don't look disgusted when talking to someone.  Be more willing to invest time and energy in to a relationship.

What the hell is going on with me this quarter?

What the hell is going on with me?  I can't concentrate, I can't study, I can't understand how to do something even I keep studying and practicing.  What is happening?  During the beginning of the quarter I was doing well, I even got an above average grade on my organic chemistry midterm, but then everything changed.  I started to get below average scores on every one of my other midterms, even on my second organic chemistry midterm.  Was this because I acted like an asshole towards Julie?  Are the Gods punishing me for my arrogance?  If so, I'm sorry, please have mercy.

Developing a Sense of Humor

I want to develop a sense of humor.  Well, not actually develop a sense of humor because I already have one.  It's just that I'm only very humorous and outgoing when I'm either online or around the people I know, but not around total strangers.  I believe that's due to the fact that I'm afraid of it falling flat or offending the people who are listening.  That also reminds to advance my sense of humor beyond poop, pee, and sex jokes.  This is going to be hard.

Note to self:  Develop a better sense of humor.

The Market Stephanie, Interrogative Conversations

I made a note to myself a few posts ago about interacting more with women and interacting with Stephanie at the market is helping me quite a bit.  Even though it helps, I'm not really sure if I should continue making contact.  My interactions with her has been one awkward event after the other.  I might have even accidentally pissed her off about a week ago and I think she gave me the stink eye today after I said that I haven't seen her for a while.  Facepalm.  Regardless, I have to do this, I have to interact with women more.  I hate to use people but I have to talk to Stephanie more often, but given past experience, I'm probably going to end up napalming relations with her.

Another point I like to make is that when I talk to some people, it seems like I'm interrogating them.  I constantly ask them questions but I never really tell them anything about myself.  If I was in their position I would get freaked out too.  Guess I should modify that.

On another note, there are a lot of people at the village lounge now.  Sigh, good things don't last forever I guess.

Note to self:  Don't avoid Stephanie.  Don't be so interrogative in conversations.

The Village Lounge

I've been visiting the village lounge lately (it's the place where the old village market used to be).  It's an awesome place.  For some reason, people don't go there at all so it's pretty quiet plus there is a pool table that I can play around with when I'm bored.  I'm actually getting pretty good at too.  I wish they would open it up during the weekends though, apparently the words "open daily" on the door doesn't actually mean daily.

Jeepers Creepers

I met the new TA for my Ochem discussion section today.  Audrey or Aubrey, not really sure.  Anyway, she's quite attractive and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help but give off my INTJ vibe/stare.  It made her extremely nervous.  As I interacted more and more with her, I managed to suppress my vibe and our conversations were decent.  It's bad enough that I'm shy around women, especially very attractive ones, but to give off my vibe while talking to one?  Jeez, I come off looking like a creeper.

On another note, I just spoke to Jacob about earthquakes and our interaction was very good.  I was normal.  It seems like my ability to socially interact with males are making leaps and bounds, but my ability to interact with women is still lacking, should work on that.

Note to self:  Interact more with more women if possible.

Subpar

I just got back my second ochem midterm, the results were not good.  I don't know what the heck is going on with me, I'm getting below average on my midterms for every class this quarter.  I'm usually at average to above average in my scores but this quarter has been ripping me apart.  Right now, I'm fighting for B minuses.  Is it some unresolved issue that's been dwelling in my head?  Are the fates punishing me for my arrogance?  Maybe it's because I'm playing too much Starcraft and surfing the web?  Most likely the last one, but I couldn't concentrate at all when I was taking those exams so it could be something else.  Ugh, I'm dropping ochem and taking it during the summer.

On another note, we're all screwed:

http://www.shtfplan.com/headline-news/nowhere-to-go-85-of-college-graduates-will-return-home-jobless_05242011

http://www.economicpolicyjournal.com/2011/01/87-year-old-dean-of-investment.html

Vibram

I ran a mile today in eight minutes on one of those treadmills at the RIMAC.  I bought a pair of Vibram Five Fingers about a month ago because people were saying they're comfortable and helps you run faster/fix your posture.  I guess they were right, I managed to beat my high school mile run time by nearly a minute even though I weigh more now than I did back then.

Dominance in Conversations

Last week I went to the career center to talk to a counselor about my resume.  She kept on talking and talking, never stopping once.  All I could get in were some questions and ahuh, and head nods.  It seems like I don't interact that well with people who talk a lot.  They throw so much out there, so fast that I simply cannot think of something decent to say.  I believe that I interact the best with someone who about half extrovert and half introvert.  That way, they're not spouting out random boring stuff and I can actually interact with them.  I believe that this was the reason Katherine and I got along so well when she and I met.  She wasn't super outgoing nor was she super shy and quiet.  She and I bonded quite nicely cumulating up to her telling me that she was in love with me.  And then I blew it.  Sigh.

Anyway, speaking of Katherine, I stated that I've gone through the memories of me and her together and analyzed the variables that allowed me to get along so well with her before.  I thought I had gone through every variable, but I realized that I did not go through variations of those variables.  Initially I thought that working in the hospital and being surrounded by a whole bunch of women made me relaxed around her, but that wasn't it, that wasn't the environmental variable I was looking for.  The reason she and I became so close is due to the lack of external forces.  When she and I worked together, all the nurses were off doing their own thing, leaving Katherine and I alone.  There also wasn't much work to do so the only thing she and I did was socialize.  I think this is it, I think I found out what is needed for me to get close to someone.  Now, how am I going to make this happen?  Hmm.

Don't Panic!

The answer is 42.

Note to self:  Be normal, act normal.

I've Lost the Ability to Make Friends

I saw Bill Ma today.  I was walking, blanked out again even though I promised myself not to do so, and saw him  walking towards me.  He then walked to the side to avoid me.  I don't blame him.  The few times I saw him last quarter, I could barely recognize him and because of that, I never said hi or anything.  Despite losing a potential friend, I feel... nothing.  Have I spent so much time alone that I no longer feel the need for interaction with others?  Is it no longer a need or rather being no longer able to do so?  I spent two and a half years at community college and became more an more socially isolated over time.  Even though I was with some of my friends there, I just felt lost.  Something within me just simply broke.  I want to make friends, but it seems like I just can't.  Sigh, these remaining 10 years of my life is going to be very, very lonely.

Note to self:  Be more active in maintaining friends and contact with them.  Always greet others first.

Addendum:  Two days ago, I was normal, so normal that I realized that I was normal.  Then something happened, I felt something happened and now I'm socially awkward again.  What the hell.  Is my brain resetting itself?

Good, Now Release Your Anger...

When I was screwed over last year by my roommates and their friends, I thought to myself that this was going to be a repeat of what happened in middle school.  What if the reason I am so emotional, so angry and vindictive is because subconsciously, I did not want my experience in middle school to happen all over again.

When I was in middle school, I was teased, bullied and rejected by the "popular" kids.  I was so desperate to be liked that I constantly forgave them and pretended like nothing ever happened to be accepted by them.  Perhaps  I'm now lashing out at all perceived enemies because I don't what that to happen again.  Maybe she was right and I didn't allow myself to feel anger, and now it's all coming out.

On another note, it seems that people don't like it when I eye track them.  Should stop that.

Addendum:  I received a email message from my homeroom teacher back in high school.  It's nothing much, she was warning that her email was hacked and she sent it out to everyone.  The question is how the heck did she get my email address?  I have no recollection what so ever of me giving it to her.  Weird.

Note to self:  Don't eye track them.

Showing Some Skin and Relaxation

I went to Ross at La Jolla Village Square today to buy some clothes.  Couldn't find anything that I like.  I've been studying the type of clothes that the "normal" guys wear at UCSD in other to find a type of style that will help me fit in more.  What I found is that the males at UCSD usually wear the following:

1. Baseball cap, sunglasses (sometimes), wifebeater/hoodie, jeans, brand name sneakers
2. Shorts, sandals, polo shirt/"wovens"
3. UCSD hoodie/sweater, jeans, sandals/sneakers

Honestly I don't know which style to choose.  Right now, I'm wearing tucked in polo and khakis and it makes look way older than I am.  I did try the woven at Ross, and it just didn't feel right.  I don't know why, but it seems like I don't like to show any skin.  I'm all wrapped up from head to toe every even when it's scorching hot outside.  I have read various theories before about how we think affects how we act.  Could the reason I'm always wrapped up, unwilling to show any skin is because of defensiveness and insecurity?  I thought about this before and thought about going to class wearing khaki shorts, pretty much what most guys do, but I kept calling it off again and again.  I just feel uncomfortable doing so.  Hmm, that's something to think about.

I also visited BestBuy to check out the new Blackberry Playbook.  I''ve been eyeing that thing since it was first announced and I finally got to play with it.  Nice little device.  A sales associate walked up to me and asked how I was doing, I said, "good, you?", she immediately averted her eyes and talked to another customer.  I spooked her, I forgot to do the smile, widening eyes thing.  It seems as though I modified my behavior for only within UCSD, and not for interacting with people outside.  I don't know if that even make sense.  Still, gotta modify it.

On another note, several months ago I wrote about how the Middle East uprisings, the "Arab Spring" revolution, may be a precursor to pan-Arab nationalism, and I might be right.  Recent news reports indicate that Egypt is opening its border with Israel, possibly opening a supply line for Hamas, ending a three decade agreement, and there are reports of Christian churches being burned.  Another report I found today,

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/ml_israel_palestinians#mwpphu-container seems to support what I initially thought.  Interesting times, we live in.

Note to self:  Always stand up straight, widen eyes and smile when greeting someone, no matter where you or they are located.

The Bucket List

Given the realization that I have most likely failed my objective, I have decided to tell my family that I'm planning to commit suicide once I reach 35 if I'm not married by then.  I'm not sure if I should though, my parents will most likely freak out, but I think my little brother will understand.  He's an INFJ and he wishes that he was never born.  If I'm not going to tell my parents, I should at least tell him.  He will understand.  For the last year or so I've been telling my little brother that he should socialize more and make more friends, but he refuses to listen.  I'm going to explain to him that the reason I want him to change is because I don't want him to end up like me, I want him to live a good life.

I have already planned, since I was 16, of what to do if I were in a situation like this.  I will cobble all the financial resources I can get my hands on and invest it in ways that will help my family.  I'm going to write out a plan of how the world will proceed to guide my family.  That's all I can do now, plan, execute, wait for my demise.

On another note, I saw Dean Bailey again.  I did the meet and greet with her and she asked if I was going to Sun God.  I smiled and answered no, all she gave was a hmm and left.  What does that hmm mean?  Is she screwing with me?

Sun God Festival

Today, on 5/13/11, is Sun God Festival.  For extroverts, it's a dream come true, for introverts, it's a fucking nightmare.  Loud noises, loud people, God, I just can't take it.  Last year, I spent the entire fucking day walking around campus trying to find a quiet area.  The library was closed and every square foot of the campus was swarming with people.  I didn't stay in my dorm because there was a whole bunch of people over.  I thought there wouldn't be people here this time but apparently Bryce invited a whole bunch of people over.  Goddamnit Bryce, this place is small enough as is, why the fuck do you have to invite a dozen people over?  Don't you have somewhere else to go?  God, this is going to be a long, long day.

On another note, these ear plugs with NRR rating of 33 is damn good.  14 dollars for several dozen, well worth the cash.

It is as I feared...

It is as I feared, the universe has gotten tired of me constantly pushing away people and now there is no one left. It's really odd, since I bought the cross necklace and wore it, it seems as though people are even more afraid of me than before.  Why is that?  On the  first day I put it on, I felt a force, a sort of energy leaving my body.  What was it?  It doesn't matter now.  It's been two years and I have done absolutely nothing.  College is the most important time for finding someone and I pushed them all away.  I now accept my fate and await my end.

Update:  I ate dinner with Mazza tonight, it was nice.  We talked for a bit and our conversation was amazingly normal.  My behavior was normal, our topics were normal, everything absolutely normal.  Sigh, I'm gonna miss him once he graduates.

Update 2:  Just had a conversation with Jacob.  Total bloody mess.  So much for normal.

The Windows to the Soul

Another thread on the INTJ forum popped up concerning the the INTJ vibe.  It's titled INTJ death glare and I realized that it's true, INTJs do have a death glare.  It isn't the vibe that scares the hell out of people, it's the look.  Since the majority of human beings are Sensors rather than Intuitives, it makes since that they would be freaked out by the look.  Even a scientific study from a few years back confirmed that people tend to concentrate mainly on the eyes rather than the whole face.

Keeping this in mind, I have been running an experiment for the last several days involving greeting people.  I would greet/say thank you/goodbye to some people by widening my eyes for about a second and not do that to others.  Their body language and facial expression response have been rather surprising.  Those who I widened my eyes for tend to respond more favorably and happier, those who I did not do it for were freaked out or upset.  For example, there is girl who works at Subway that is always enthusiastic to greet people.  When she handed me my sub, she smiled and I smiled back but I didn't widened my eyes.  Her smile immediately disappeared and she wasn't that enthusiastic seeing me next time.  This revelation is startling.  Something as simple as widening your eyes by several millimeters can drastically affect how people perceive you.  I'm going to keep this in mind.

Facial expression modification:  Widen eyes when greeting/saying thank you/goodbye to people.

Prophets and Madmen

There is something about me that is makes me different than other human beings, and I'm not talking about being an INTJ either.  I'm talking about stuff that dives straight into wacko, tin foil crazy land.  I think I can see bits of the future.  I normally don't believe in this mumbo jumbo, but it has happened too many times for me to ignore.

When I was younger, I was almost hit by a car, but managed to dodge it because a little voice in my head told me to stop.  There were many instances where I would dream about certain events and they would take place several weeks or months later.  Sadly, several years ago, when I was still with Katherine, I had a voice tell me of my fate.  It said if I chose to be with her, I would live an average life, but married, and if I didn't, I will be rich but lonely.  I came to UCSD, I made my choice.  I help manage my parents' stock account and nearly every prediction about ups and downs have come true.  Even my own financial investment is about to pay off.  That's the wealth part.  I'm slowly gaining the skills to be financially well off, but I have not established a fulfilling and meaningful relationship besides the one with Mazza.  Even then, it's pretty much at a distance.  It's done, my fate could possibly have been sealed before it began.  I made my choice and now I have to live with it.

No fate but what we make.  I wish that was true.

Addendum:  Thinking back to that time where I almost got hit by a car makes me wonder if I should have been killed that day.  I wish I was.

Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave.

All my plans, all my "strategic" thinking, they always backfire, they always end up blowing up in my face.  I now sit here alone at 2 in morning realizing that I have done nothing in the last two years.  Did I make any friends?  I made one.  Did I find a girlfriend?  I could've had many but pushed them away.  I have accomplished nothing.  My plan to destroy Bobby's ego worked but cost any potential friendship with others.  I planned to piss off Julie but was attracted to her at the same time, I've done it, I pissed her off and now she's gone.  I re-initiated contact with Ian to connect but screwed it up.  I have failed.  My plans, my thinking, they are nothing but inhibitors to a good life.  No more, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of my schemes and plans screwing up.  But I wonder whether this plan, my plan to change myself will screw up too...

Addendum:  I made a post earlier about forgetting about my past and looking towards the future.  Now that Ian and Julie is completely gone, that is out of sight and out of mind, I think I can forget about last year's event now.  I'll miss Ian.  I'm sorry Ian, goodbye.

Can I expect others to forgive me if I cannot forgive them? No, I can't.

Note to self:  No more plans and schemes.  Be natural, be genuine, be truthful.

Step 4: Acceptance

I made a post before about it was I that have pushed everyone away.  I accept that now, my pain, my suffering, my loneliness is caused by myself, no one else.  Ian friended me on facebook after I messaged him.  He responded once and I sent out a couple of replies.  He did not respond and I got upset and unfriended him.   Stupid of me to do that.  I don't understand why I'm so emotional about things now.  I'm not usually like this back in San Francisco.  What's going on with me?  I have come to terms with what is happening to me, I am the one causing my own suffering and I accept that now.  I cannot blame anyone else for my issues and I must now change it.

Addendum:  I don't know if I can continue this anymore.  I'm becoming more and more emotional since I started this.  I don't understand what's going on, is my desire to change myself into an extrovert truly causing all these emotional outbursts?

Note to self:  Accept that you are the one responsible for your loneliness, accept it, there is no one else to blame.  Fix it.  Don't be so emotional about minor things.

I done it again.

I done it again, I have pushed away every girl that was attracted to me.  I saw Julie again during the fall quarter, winter quarter, and the spring quarter.  Every time, I either didn't recognize her or walked by without noticing her.  I guess she thought I hated her, and it's not that far from the truth really.  Honestly, I can't say that I will miss her after she talked crap about me behind my back.  Then again, she did a complete reversal later on and every body language she gave off indicated that she was attracted to me.  I had no idea what to think.  I knew that she had a boyfriend since the first day I met her and on last year's Valentines day, I saw her arm in arm with some guy.  Man, the whole thing was a complete mind fuck.  Still, it would have been nice to be with her.  Maybe my information was wrong and I screwed up.  She was an ENFP, considered the INTJ's holy grail, she was aloof, energetic, and spontaneous.  The data I gathered from her will hopefully help me find other ENFPs in the future.  Nothing was certain when it came to her, the only thing that was certain is what I learned about myself.

I created a thread on INTJforum to see how other INTJs respond to constantly holding a grudge.  Seems as though some are like me and others are not.  I guess I'm more on the emotionally immature side than the others.

Note to self:  Never be so vindictive, be more forgiving.  If a person is trying to make up for it, forgive them.