Several posts ago, I mentioned how I wouldn't miss Julie after she said she didn't like me. I was wrong, I do miss her. Despite her misgivings, her attempts to befriend me and her attraction to me should have made up for it. But I was too stubborn, too much of a prideful fool to see the whole picture. She and I would have been great together, but I was too stupid to see it. Instead, I sought ways to hurt her as much as possible and I succeeded. I let my anger and hatred take control, and I destroyed the spirit of someone who would've accepted me no matter what. I wished I didn't, I wish I was dead. I'm sorry Julie.
I sent two messages to her through facebook, apologizing for what I did. Both of them were one way, no response from her. Understandable. I asked before why I do this to myself, why I keep punishing myself by pushing away people who, despite their faults, wanted to befriend me. I do not have a definitive answer, but maybe perhaps I do deserve my misery and my loneliness. Maybe I do deserve the hatred and rejection that have and ever will be thrown at me. Maybe I do deserve to be and die alone.
I lost Katherine due to my cowardice and she was absolutely compatible with me. Now I lost Julie due to my hatred and stubbornness, and she would have been compatible with me. I screwed up, I screwed up big time. As I stated before, the universe might finally tire of me pushing women away, it could be over already.
Note to self: Life is not a competition, learn to forgive and forget, it's not always about winning.
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