It's been three months since I supposedly saw Julie and I am still thinking about her. I fucked up bad. Going through my old posts, I noticed that one of my note to selfs was to maintain good relations with Julie and Ian. I broke that note to self. First I made Ian upset and then pissed off Julie because of my stupid grudge against her. I don't understand why, but I just can't let go grudges. I theorize back then that it was because I was teased a lot when I was younger and acknowledging it, I tried to change my thought process. It seems like it couldn't hold and I just have to get even no matter what. I need to stop this, I need to get rid of this, it's already destroyed several potential relationships I've had in the past and now another one. It seems like I have this burning anger inside me that cannot be quenched and desire for revenge that cannot be satiated.
On a different note, I don't understand what's going with me and my roommates. I don't know why, but it seems like I freeze up around them and have no idea what to do. It's like they project this energy field that pretty much destroys everything I learned about my own behavior over the last year and a half, making our interactions extremely awkward. Strange.
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