Just one more

One more post before new years.

Note to self:  Be more proactive, not reactive.

Year in review

It's almost the end of the year, another year has come and gone just like that in the blink of an eye.  It's amazing how fast time flies.  I still remember the day I moved to UCSD, the day 9/11 happened, the day the tsunami struck Indonesia, earthquake in Haiti etc.  All of those events happened years ago, but I still remember them like it was yesterday.  Even so, I never bothered to look back and reflect upon it.  I never gave a thought about what my life was like.  I simply kept going.  This year is going to be different.

Ever since I started this "reprogramming project", I've been questioning how effective has it been and whether it is helping me or not.  Let's take a look back.  Since the project started, I have become more social and met new acquaintances, though it is like a ebb and flow thing.  I terminated relations with Phoebe, not sure if that was a good or bad thing now.  I managed to screw up relations with several girls like Shannon, Catherine, Stephanie, and Julia.  Nice huh?  I've become more emotional which results in angry outbursts.  And of course, last but not least, I am deciding to terminate contact with my relatives.  Seems like a whole bunch of negatives to me.  I have to ask whether if this is a kind of "rebirthing" process or am I just simply digging myself a deeper hole.  I don't  want to spend another year like this, second guessing myself and wondering where my life is going.  I hope next year is better.

Note to self:  Remember what the project is about: gain confidence, self esteem, be more more outgoing and become more sociable without becoming an asshole.  Be a kind person, and act natural, not creepy or weird.

Relatives

I'm back home in San Francisco for the winter break.  I've been back here for about two weeks already and there is not much to do.  I should have brought back my econ 120B textbook to get ready for next quarter.  I wish I could find the damn stationary bike I bought last year so I could actually exercise, I'm probably going to gain back all the weight I lost.  Anyway, I've been thinking about my relations to my relatives.  Throughout the years, my relatives and I have grown more and more apart.  I started becoming more and more aware of their behavior as I grew up, and as such I grew discontent.

One of aunts was one of the teachers at my old school and she was a total bitch towards me.  Another aunt is social climbing idiot that seems to look down upon my family even though my mom is her sister.  My third aunt was screwing over my mom and taking advantage of her generosity, this is until my dad put a stop to it.  That in turn resulted in a smear campaign against my dad.  Their campaign was so effective, even I thought my dad was the bad guy, but thankfully I eventually realized the truth.  My oldest cousin is an insecure asshole that often take potshots at me whenever he can, and my second oldest cousin is a popped-collar hotshot who ignores me even though I saw him as an older brother when I was younger.  The last time I saw him he tried talking to me, he can go fuck himself.  My third oldest cousin, who also goes to UCSD, seems to be becoming more insecure around me than before.  He's also seem to be avoidant of me.  I'm maintaining good relations for now, but I try not to get in contact with him.

I'm tired of my relatives.  I'm tired of their lies, their fakeness, their attempts at ripping apart my family because they disapprove of my mom marrying my dad.  I'm tired of their condescending sincerity.  I'm tired of them.  It's time to cut the cords loose.  My mother, my father, and my little brother are my one and only family, my relatives are nothing more than strangers.  Nice way to end the holidays, eh? It's time to let go, it's time to create a family of my own.

Note to self:  Let go of relations with relatives, start a family of your own.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

I absolutely abhor talking on the phone.  When I do talk on the phone, I feel like I either sound like an idiot or an asshole.  I tend to say the wrong thing and end up rushing the conversation, it tends to make the person on the other end feel as though they are annoying me.  At the end of conversations, I tend to keep saying thank you over and over again.  I think I need to vary it a little.

Note to self:  Don't say thank you over and over again, vary it a little.

Reading people

I have the ability to read others.  Their facial expressions, body language, slight movements, tone of voice etc.  tells me a lot about what they are thinking.  This "ability" has allowed me to distinguish friend or foe, it has allowed me to understand a person without needing them to tell me what they are thinking.  This "ability" comes at a price however. When I can read a person, I know what every thought they are thinking, especially if they are pissed off at me or annoyed at me.  When that happens, I get angry at them in return.  My talent has caused a lot of self doubt and discomfort for me.  Sometimes I'm wrong about what a person is thinking, in return it caused a lot of unnecessary interaction and even relationship deterioration.  While this ability is useful to a certain extent, I think the cost outweighs the benefits, I going to put a stop to it.

Note to self:  Stop reading people.  Never take action based upon a reading, it will do nothing but cause trouble.

The pursuit of women

I need to be more active in the pursuit of women.  Sitting on my ass and waiting for the right girl to come isn't going to work.  Girls are attracted to me now, but as I get older, I will have to pursue.  I must change my personality from inactive to active.

Note to self:  Be more active in the pursuit of women.  DO NOT AVOID WOMEN!

I want to feel again

I want to feel emotions again.  When I was younger, I was teased and bullied so much that I would come home crying.  Over time I taught myself to suppress my emotions.  It worked.  It worked too well.  Over the years, I have become absolutely disconnected from the feelings of others, I lost the capacity to feel sympathy and empathy.  The lack of emotions have made me stronger and tougher, I became more than human, but at the same time became less than human.  I want to feel again.  I want to experience the good and bad of emotions.  I want to feel happiness, sorrow, peace, anger, love, and hate.  I want my emotions back because to feel is to be human.

Note to self:  Feel emotions and feel sympathy and empathy for others.

Freaking people out

The damn INTJ vibe is back.  I know Bryce is spooked by me, and I think Eric is too.  I guess not having socialize for the last week or so has caused me to regress.  Couple more days until winter break, I hope I don't lose all my progress during the break.

Note to self:  Remember the other note to selfs and keep socializing.  Be happy to see and talk to others.  Be more aware of surroundings.

I'm annoying

I think I'm annoying and I think that others think I'm annoying.  I don't complain about stuff, and I don't talk that much, but I got the feeling that others think I'm annoying.  I need to modify that part of my personality.

Note to self:  Don't complain about stuff, don't be competitive, don't rush conversations.

Fiscal Responsibility

This is getting insane, I spent $200 in the course of a month.  I must stop spending.  Buying Splinter cell conviction was a mistake and ordering that blasted neck rest thing was retarded.

Note to self:  Stop spending.

Being more talkative

I think I need to talk more.  Sam, one of my TAs for BILD 1, talked to me but I didn't keep the conversation rolling.  People are always the one to initiate conversations with me, I think I need to turn that around and be more talkative myself.

Note to self:  Be more talkative, be the one that initiates a conversation and keep a conversation rolling if someone talks to you.

Dwelling on things

I've been thinking about I dwell on things.  I have read that INTJs will end relationships and simply move on without a second thought.  I'm not like that.  I tend to keep thinking and thinking about it over and over again, thinking about what could have been.  I won't do that anymore.

Note to self:  When I terminate a relationship, let it go and don't dwell on it.

Racquel, Stephanie, and the belt

I saw Racquel and Stephanie tonight at the Market.  My conversations with them was decent, though I noticed some faults on my part.  I kept looking away while talking to Racquel, she might have thought I wanted to get away, I was actually standing in line and looking at her by the side.  She ended the conversation several seconds after I looked away for the second time.  My conversation with Stephanie was okay, I didn't hear one part and simply said yeah.  I should try to clarify if I can't hear someone.

I had a theory that my belt was causing me to be stuck up due to the belt's pressure.  I didn't wear my belt when I went to the Market so there might be something to my belt theory.

On another note, relations with Bryce have turned ice cold.  There is no hostility, but when I greet him, he is simply indifferent.  He's been fighting with Stephanie a lot lately, could he think that I have something to do with it?  I'll just leave him be from now on, I'll just greet him if I see him.  Relations with Bryce now considered non-salvageable and will be kept to a minimal.

Note to self:  Ask others to clarify if I can't hear them.

Sounding like an idiot on the telephone

God, I sound like an idiot on the telephone.  When I start talking, I sound like a dumbass who's spewing out incoherent nonsense.  I kept writing a note to myself to plan out what I say before I say it, but I'm going to modify it.

Note to self:  Plan out what you're going to say before you say it.

INTJs and dating

I've been visiting INTJforum.com lately.  It seems as though I'm not the only one that doesn't/haven't dated.  There are people on there that have never dated and they are 24 and 29 years old!  Dear God, I don't want to end up like that.  I had many chances in the past, many women wanted to be with me, but I just don't have the resources to pull it off.  I don't want to be like those guys, I don't want Jimmy to end up like them too.  I hope I have the capability to help Jimmy and myself out of this.

Note to self:  Help Jimmy and self out of dating spiral.  Make eye contact with Julia and blond Stephanine and smile.

Verbal Communications

My ability to communicate verbally with others is limited.  While I can hold a decent conversation now, it seems as though I just say whatever comes into my head without thinking of the consequences.  Sometimes I ended up pissing people off or terminating a conversation too early.  I need to modify my verbal communications.

Note to self:  Think about what you say before you say it.

Sharing is caring

I've been thinking something that my high school friend, Henry Cun, used to say, sharing is caring.  He's right, sharing IS caring.  The reason people lose interest in talking to or befriending me is because I act like I don't care.  I do care and should care, but I need to express it.

Note to self:  Be more caring of others, be more expressive about caring for others.

Stephanie and Stephanie

I saw Stephanie again tonight at the market.  I greeted her and her body language indicated that she lost all interest in me, probably due to the way I acted several days ago.  Sigh, should have acted more interested.  Honestly, in the past, I would've brushed it off and thought it was nothing and considered it irrelevant.  But with this whole trying to be a better communicator thing, it seems like I'm failing pretty badly.  I just don't understand why I can't relax around women.

On another note, the other Stephanie, Bryce's girlfriend, seems to argue a lot with Bryce.  They might be having trouble in their relationship.  Relationships, truly wonderful.

I think I'm regressing on a serious level.  The way I acted towards Stephanie, forgetting to say something as simple as good bye, tells me I'm losing it.  I think that my time spent on the internet and in front of a computer is causing me to regress.  I'm going to spend more time offline and stick in the real world from now on.

Note to self:  When saying goodbye to someone, make sure they see your wave and hear your bye.

The Heisenberg Relationship Principle

Everything is going fine.  Relations with Julia and Sabina have normalized.  I sensed that Julia is still attracted to me and Sabina isn't freaked out by me anymore.  Sabina actually initiated contact during the last discussion section.  Communications with Stephanie still needs improvement though.

I have developed a theory off the quantum theory of the uncertainty principle.  I call it the Heisenberg Relationship Principle.  The closer I get to someone, the more unstable and distant they and I become.  Sigh.  I need to work on my communications skill when talking to women.  It seems as though I cannot relax when dealing with people, men or women.  I'm always so tense, I just don't understand why.

Note to self:  Be more friendly and smile more towards women.  Be more relaxed and playful when it comes to women.

Two steps forward, one step back

Screwed up conversation with Stephanie tonight at the market.  She had a cold and I thought I didn't care.  Damn it.  I didn't speak loud enough and she thought I didn't care.  Two steps forward, one step back.

I just talked with Eric.  I screwed up the conversation at the end by being negative.  Don't be such a downer.  Be more positive and optimistic.

Note to self:  Don't scramble, stay calm.  Listen to the damn coin.  Speak louder and be more caring.  Don't be such a downer, be more positive and optimistic.  Always look at things as the cup half full.  Never mention negative things.

Treatment of women

It's early Wednesday morning and I've been thinking about something last night.  I've been thinking about the way I treat women.  I tend to be more harsh, vindictive, and more emotional when it comes to dealing with women.  When they do something that I find to be unacceptable, I tend to dwell on it and not forget it or forgive them for it.  I think the root cause of my behavior is due to the way I was treated by girls when growing up.  I had a harsh childhood and girls did most of the bullying, they tend to be the ones that called me ugly, freak, etc.  I guess it had a lasting impact on my subconsciousness.  I need to alter my behavior towards women, otherwise I'll never be able to have a successful relationship.

Note to self:  Don't be so harsh towards women.  Don't be so vindictive and emotional towards women.  They are human too, they have hopes and dreams, and also flaws.  Be more forgiving towards women.
Don't take everything women say or do so personally.

Definite Regression

I saw Vincent, the guy I helped out in the laundry room, again the Village Market.  He repaid me the one dollar that he owed and left.  I sensed that he was nervous around me.  I guess the damn vibe is coming back.  I was right, I am regressing.  I had a conversation with Eric where I got tongue tied, and people are becoming more nervous around me.  I'm beginning to suspect that my termination of relations with Phoebe had something to do with it.  Must push forward.

Note to self:  Remember the other note to selfs and be more friendly.

Talk and regression

Nothing much to say lately, I talked with the hispanic guy who is friends with the douche, Bobby.  We talked for a while, well, he did most of the talking, but it was nice anyway.  I sensed I socially regressed a little today, and nasty habits from the past keep popping up.  I ended another conversation with yeah, I didn't sit up straight when talking to someone and I kept a beyond acceptable stare time with TA.  I sensed he was kind of nervous about it.  I have to remember to fight those urges and keep pushing forward.

Relations with family

My mom and dad keeps calling me.  They care about me and I care about them too, but it seems that I'm a bit brief with my dad.  I think it's the whole subconscious thing that's affecting my behavior.  When I was younger, my dad was the strict disciplinarian that would keep me in line if I acted up.  I know that he has changed, but there is still a part of me that keeps him at arms length.  I need to change that.

Note to self:  Treat dad better.  Have better, lengthier conversations with dad.  Don't rush conversations.

Lopsided social gains

I saw Catherine, the econ girl, in the laundry room just several minutes ago.  She came in, and while I was taking notes from my bio book, she said hey.  I thought she was talking to someone else and I didn't respond.  Stupid of me.  Sigh, another one gone.

I've noticed something lately.  It seems as though I can easily make acquaintances with guys, but it seems it is difficult to make acquaintances with women.  Social relations with Mazza, Eric (accounting guy), and Bill are going well, not to mention decent interactions with my room mates, but when it comes to women, it's a whole other story.  After the screw up with Shannon, and the termination of relations with Phoebe, I think I need to concentrate more on socialization with women.

On another note, I'm down to 204 pounds.

Note to self:  Concentrate more on socializing with women, but don't forget to socialize with men.  Socialize with everyone.  Be more interested in women.  Always say goodbye even if others don't say goodbye.  Workout more.

Expectations and disappointment in others

Nothing happened much in the last several days, I did see Eric, the econ major guy, again in the laundry room.  The conversation between him and I went smoothly.  I also saw Bill again too.  Apparently he didn't drop the accounting minor and is going to be taking the same accounting as I am from now on.  That's good, I just hope things between us won't end up like Phoebe.

This brings me to my other thought.  Am I expecting too much of people?  Am I expecting them to be the friend that I imagine and hope them to be, just to be let down when they aren't?  Am I letting that preconception affect my relations with others?  I don't think I should let my hopes and expectations be the foundation of my relationships with others.  If I let my expectations control how I act around friends, then any romantic relationship will be doomed before it starts.  I guess that is how my relationship with Katherine ended.  When she responded with a resounding "hell no" if she would live with her in laws, she fell below my expectations and I immediately shut her out mentally.  It was doomed before it began.

Note to self:  Human beings are flawed, don't expect much of people.  Don't be so vindictive.

Midterms and Mike

There wasn't anything much to update for the last few days.  I just finished taking both my econ and bio midterms today and yesterday respectively.  Fucking horrible, I think I bombed both.  Irrelevant, what's done is done, moving on.  For some reason, I'm seeing a lot of Mike lately (one of Alex's friends).  He keeps on saying hi to me near Geisel Library.  I never got the chance to know the guy last year, but I guess he's a friendly.  That's good.  I had a realization when waving hi to him, I realize that I need to raise my eyebrows.  My eyebrows and eyes don't raise when greeting people, I guess people subconsciously believe that I don't like them if I don't raise my eyebrows.

Note to self:  Raise eyebrows and open eyes wider when greeting others.  Make eye contact with people that are shorter than you.

Inadvertently turning down invitations

Despite the lulzy interaction I had with the bitch today, there was a downside to this day.  I saw Mazza in the laundry room and he invited me to go eat dinner with him off campus.  Unfortunately, due to my bumbling stupidity, I inadvertently turned down the offer by asking if he was still using his car, which caught on fire during the summer.  I guess he took it as a rejection.  He came back later from Cafe Ventana and said that he was full.  Sigh, another chance at interaction lost.

Update:  It's night and I feel fantastic.  Finally officially terminating relations with Phoebe has made me feel as though I just let a ton of rocks off my chest.  This is one hell of a placebo effect.  Dear God, it feels great.
I guess it's official that I can start a new life now, one not burdened by the past.  Clean slate, tabula rasa!


Note to self:  Do not turn down invitations, when people invite you to do something or go somewhere accept it and do it.  Only clarify statements if there strategic implications otherwise don't bother.

Free at last, Free at last, Thank the Lord, Free at last!

Relations with Phoebe has been terminated.

On another note, I'm now down to 206.6 pounds.  Yay!

Note to self:  Trust your intuition, if your intuition says that someone is using you then trust it, and stay away from that person.

Progress report

I went to Cafe Ventana with Eric earlier today.  It was nice, we had a decent conversation regarding various topics ranging from family to majors etc.  However, I did notice a pattern in my conversations.  It seems that I keep repeating "what about you..."  I know that the key to a good conversations is to keep the momentum going and to keep bouncing back and forth, but it seems that the way I talk is so repetitive and boring.  I should try to mix it up a little.

My progress report seems to be a mixed one.  On one hand, I'm not afraid of talking to people and I can keep a conversation going, but on the other hand, I'm still horrible when it comes to women.  This girl at the laundry made a comment about Fringe's Olivia, and I simply smiled.  Not a good sign, it's a sign of regression.  That and when I smile, I seem angry and it scares the hell out of people.  What good is all this "progress" when it accomplishes nothing.  I still don't have close friends and I'm still absolutely horrible with women.  I'm still going through my memory files in regards to my time at CPMC.  While I was at CPMC, I was able to have fantastic conversations with Katherine Leung, Linda La, and I even tried starting conversations with Mei Zhen.  I still don't understand why I was so different during that time.  Was it the environment? The people around me or even the clothes I wore?  So many variables, so chaotic I can't even analyze it.  Sigh, marching on...

Note to self:  Sit up straight, modify speech patterns to give more variation.  SMILE.  Be more humorous.  BE CONFIDENT.  Stand up straight, sit up straight, don't slouch, and be happy.  Don't slur your speech and be verbally clear.  Increase voice volume.

SMILE AT JULIA

Financial drain

I recently checked my chase checking account and I have to stop buying food from price center.  Aside from ordering required essentials from Amazon, I wasted about 40 to 60 dollars in two weeks just by eating at price center.  I am going to stop buying food from there and simply use my dining dollars from now on.

On another note, I'm thinking about pulling a little joke on Phoebe.  I helped her again by giving her notes, but I still have negative feelings towards her.  I'm going to screw her over and hopefully she'll disappear from my life.

Note to self:  Stop eating at price center, that way you'll save money and lose weight.

Catherine, Jeremy, Vincent and regression

I saw Jeremy tonight at the laundry room, but I didn't bother saying hi or bother speaking to him.  In fact I tried to avoid him, it worked and I shouldn't have done that.  I met several other people at the laundry tonight.  One was Vincent, I helped him pay for his laundry.  When he was leaving he shook my hand and I returned the gesture, and said nice to meet you.  However, I sensed he was unnerved by me.  This is the same thing with Catherine, an econ major transfer, that I met while watching Criminal Minds.  Standard meet and greet procedure, but I noticed that she looked down to her left, indicating internal dialog.  I guess my facial expression spooked her.  This is getting tiresome, I keep modifying my behavior but I keep regressing.  Are any of the things I do going to be permanent or am I going to have to keep reminding myself?  I am losing faith.

Why do I do this?  Why do I push away every women that's attracted to me?  I'm not gay, I'm straight, but I just keep pushing women away.  One after the other, gone, gone, gone.  How long can I keep going like this?  Eventually the amount of single women attracted to me will run out and it will be all over.  I can't let that happen, I must accept and not push away women.  May God have mercy upon my soul and may it please guide me to salvation.

Note to self:  Smile when greeting people, be happy when meeting people.  Act like a 5 year old.  Don't push away women.  Be comfortable with yourself, and be yourself because women will like you for who you are.  Be able to make fun of yourself.

Midterms and progress

Midterms again next week, Monday and Tuesday.  Right next to one another, fantastic.  Plus a quiz on Thursday.  This shit just never stops.

I've been thinking about my progress in reforming myself.  I've been wondering if I had actually accomplished anything.  I'm still nervous around women I'm attracted to, but not around women I'm not attracted to.  Guys are still freaked out by me, take Bryce for example.  I have to ask myself if this a transition phase or is this the end of the line.  My personality and behavior right now is pretty much the same as when I met Katherine.  I can now converse better with people and I can keep a conversation rolling, but what good does it do if I'm still nervous around women?  I already blown my chances with Shannon when I was still adapting, and I really wish I didn't screw up so much with Julia or Stephanie from the Market.  Is more beyond this? Could this be the end of the line?  I need to push forward.

Note to self:  Learn to forgive and forget, don't be so vindictive and don't be so emotional.

Relations with Jacob

Everything is going normally for the most part, but I am worried about my relations with Jacob.  It seems as though it might be degrading.  When I come back and he looks busy, I don't say hi because I don't want to disturb him, but it seems he wants me to say hi.  I think my lack of greeting is starting to annoy him, I will have to change that.

On an unrelated note, I've been thinking about my "no" response.  When someone asks me something and I respond with no, it seems harsh, I need to modify it.

Note to self:  Greet others even when they seem busy to appear polite.

Note to self 2:  Change "no" response to "I don't want to bother" or "no, thank you"

Update:  It's Sunday, and I still haven't seen Shannon again.  It's been two weeks, it's safe to say that I won't be able to see her again.

Note to self 3:  Don't be selfish, don't be greedy, always take the time out to help others.

Note to self 4:  Always look at the people around you when walking.

Handshakes

Weight is still holding, I hope I get to see some more progress so, I think I need a total absolute change in diet just to lose weight.  This is going to become hell really fast.

I've been thinking about the way I shake hands with people.  When I shake hands with people, I tend to look down at the hands and shake.  This wouldn't be an issue, but unfortunately people tend to extend their hands at chest level.  This wouldn't be a problem with men, but with women, they believe that I staring at their boobs.  This could possibly why Stephanie wasn't really doing a proper handshake.  Julia also thought I was staring at her boobs when she was bagging my groceries a year ago.  I need to modify this.

On another note, I think I have a crush on this girl that works at Cafe Ventana.  I think she knows that I'm attracted to her, and her behavior seems to indicate a sort of teasing.  I know that she is just playing, but I'm still nervous around her.  Am I regressing?  I need to push forward.

Note to self:  When shaking hands with people, look down to grab their hand, resume eye contact then shake and smile.

Note to self 2: Know women, love women, trust women, and don't be afraid of women.  Be more compassionate, caring and empathetic.

Note to self 3: Remember to smile even to strangers.

Weight loss and speech

Worked out this morning and found out I had actually gained weight.  I'm now at 208.2 compared to 207.2 yesterday.  It's not surprising considering I ate so much yesterday.  Anyway, Eric is going to his relatives for the weekend.  When he said have a nice weekend, I responded with you too, but I think he may heard it as ew too.  Crap, I need to modify that.

Note to self:  Change diet to eating vegetables, fruits and bread.  When speaking, use your lips instead of your throat otherwise you sound like you have a speech impediment.

Note to self 2: NEVER, EVER say "see ya" to a women you know is attracted to you because they'll think you're not interested.

Blonde girl at the market and Bill

I went to the Undergraduate Accounting Society meeting last night.  It was nice, I managed to get some information from an actual CPA and met someone new from the Village.  His name is Bill and he's from building 8.  My conversation with him was quite satisfactory.  I did experience tongue tie here and there, but it went well. I also conversed two freshmen that was sitting behind me.  Overall, last night on Thursday was quite decent.

However, today is Friday and I pretty much fubar'd a conversation.  AGAIN and AGAIN.  Stephanie, a blonde girl (another one) that works at the Village Market, started a conversation with me.  It went like this:

Her: "Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile!"

Me: "Oh Hi, I haven't seen you last year."

Stephanie's interest in our conversation suddenly started to wane.  I saw that she was disappointed, thinking that I have forgotten about her.  I didn't, I merely misspoke.  I knew that Stephanie was attracted to me since last year, but I think I pretty much screwed it up.  First Shannon, then Stephanie, communicating with others is a pain in the ass.  I went back and tried my best to clarify it to Stephanie, but I think it's pretty much up in smoke.

I still don't understand.  What was it about Katherine that made me open up to her so easily?  Was it some subconscious thing?  Was it the hospital's environment?  I wish I could speak to girls as easily as I could speak to Katherine, sigh.

In an unrelated note, I am at 207.2 pounds today after working out.  Awesome, I'm pretty much back to my high school level weight and even a bit lower.  I'm going to schedule it so that I will workout everyday in the morning.  I hope I'm not just losing water weight though, if I am, then I was carrying 17 pounds of water which is quite ridiculous.

Note to self:  Think before you speak and remember that facial expression plays a very important role in interpersonal communications.  Remember to stand up straight.  When greeting others, limit eye contact to initial contact then break off.

Abby the RA

I bumped into the RA of building eight tonight, her name is Abby.  I met several weeks ago and I never got the chance to talk to her back then, but I managed to do so now.  My conversation with her was natural, very natural.  It was so natural, it seemed like I was normal.  I guess progress is happening to a certain extent.  I was hoping to see Shannon, but she wasn't there tonight.  Sigh, I screwed up so badly.

Note to self:  Trust your intuition, trust your instinct because it is usually right.  When talking to others, know when to end the conversation, and terminate contact once YOU reach your destination.

100C Blonde and Phoebe

A blonde woman in my 100C discussion session asked me for notes.  I didn't have them with and told her that.  She spoke for a little bit, and I think she was trying to make small talk, unfortunately I forgot to smile and I guess it gave her the impression that I thought she was annoying.  She didn't seem happy.  It was fucking stupid of me.  I told myself not to smile too much, but I didn't mean not smile at all.  I need to modify that.

Anyways, I saw Phoebe tonight.  She texted me asking for notes and to have lunch on Wednesday.  What a fucking joke, I am so tired of her.  Forget her, I'm moving on.

Note to self:  Forget about Phoebe, remember to smile more but not too much, smile just enough to show people that you care.  Be more enthusiastic about greeting and meeting others, otherwise people will think you don't like them.  Don't stare at others for too long.  Be more trusting of women.

Regression and degradation of relations

I've been analyzing my behavior for the last week or so.  It seems as though my behavior and mentality have been regressing lately.  I've been thinking more and more unhappy thoughts and my response towards others have been less than satisfactory.  My conversations with Jacob and Eric are decent but I noticed that I ended a conversation with Eric last night by saying yeah, something that I promised to myself not to dol.  I also responded to Tony, one of the TAs in my BILD1 class, by saying oh first and I was brief with him.  These are things I promised not to do anymore.  I hope Tony wasn't offended by my response.  I need to keep pushing forward to not regress any further.

I think my relations with Ian is going down the drain.  I seen him two times and I did not greet him, but I did greet him every other time.  Ian was nice to me, how could I do this to him?  He didn't seem happy to see me yesterday.  I must maintain good relations.

Note to self:  Don't give up keep pushing forward to fight the regression.  Forget about Alex, Ben, and Bobby, they are nothing.  Maintain good relations with Ian.  Remember to smile more.

Sunday

It's Sunday night and it's starting to pour, apparently a storm is coming towards San Diego.  Fantastic stuff. I was doing laundry earlier hoping to see Shannon.  I know that I declared a zero relation probability on her, but I still want to see her just to see if there is still a chance.  She may be a sorority member and all, but I got the feeling that few guys go for her and that she is quite picky.  Last week, there was this white guy that was talking to her, and I think he was trying to get her attention.  She didn't even give a damn that he was leaving.  He left slowly hoping that she will notice, but she acted nonchalantly and coldly towards him.  She's a halfie (half white, half asian), I'm sure of it.  Most likely father's white and mother's Asian.  It's odd that she is more interested in Asian guys.  I still hope that there is a chance with her.

On another note, I have been working out lately and the results have been fantastic.  When I arrived during the start of the year, my waistline was 37 inches and I weighed 224 pounds.  After one month and a couple of days of exercise, I'm now at 35 inches and 209.4 pounds.  Very good results if I say so myself, I just hope I can keep it off and get down to the 180 range.

Note to self:  Don't be so dramatic, act naturally.

Misanthropy and subconsciousness

I've been wondering a bit lately.  I've been wondering could my subconscious misanthropic views be affecting my behavior externally?  Throughout this blog, I kept writing little notes to myself, reminding what not to do and what to do.  It's actually working.  Could I have programmed myself to hate people in the past, and it keeps affecting the way I act now?  If it's true, it's time to do a little reprogramming.

Note to self:  Don't be misanthropic, the majority of people are nice.

Note to self 2:  Talk using your lips, not your throat so you don't sound like you have a speech impairment.

Note to self 3:   Be more willing to say hi and wave to strangers if they greet you.

Friday Julia

I finally did it, I managed to apologize to Julia in person.  I should have done it last week.  I'm glad it's over... or is it.  I sensed something from her, I can't tell what it was.  Anyways, this girl in my bio class wanted to see my test.  I lent it and spoke to her briefly.  The conversation between her and me went decently, I instinctively tilted my head to look at her, but I forgot to smile.  There is some progress, I guess.

Note to self:  Increase voice volume, remember to smile, and do not be afraid of authority figures.

Note to self 2:  I will be nicer to women, I will not be an elitist prick, I will not be so emotional, but I will be affectionate toward others.

Abandon the project?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last couple of days.  I've been wondering what this little project/program has given me.  Did it get me anywhere?  Am I making progress?  I already terminated relations with Phoebe, I think Julia is still pissed at me, and I think I pushed away Shannon.  I honestly don't know whether I should continue it or not.  I'll still continue it, but I hope I can make some progress.

Note to self:  Act natural.  Don't smile for too long, otherwise people will think you are annoyed by them.

Note to self 2: Don't be so uptight, loosen up, have fun, screw professionalism.  Stop being so competitive.

Note to self 3: Don't be so quick with others, don't think others as annoyances.

Jacob and oh

Yesterday Jacob asked whose clothes was in the shower.  I responded with "oh, it's mine."  Based on Jacobs reaction, he most likely thought I was angry at him, I wasn't.  This type of scenario is similar to the one with Sandee.  She thought I was angry at her even though I wasn't.  It seems that when I say oh, it is silent to others, I will eliminate it from my vocabulary.  As for Jacob, I'm not sure if relations are permanently damaged, I'll limit contact from now on.

Note to self:  Do not start sentences with oh and do not say oh.

Note to self 2: Don't be a narcissistic douche.  Show teeth when smiling.  Don't be insecure, I am worthy of women.

Shannon

I met Shannon in the laundry room again on Sunday.  Conversion went well, and I am more calm this time.  Unfortunately, it seems that she has lost all interest in me, but intuition indicates that she thinks that I'm not interested in her so she's not interested in me.  It doesn't matter, there was zero categorical matches between us.  She's in KKG and applying to be a RA, and I'm... well I'm me.  Relations probability is now declared zero.  Anyway, I need financial and material resources, without it I can't do anything.

Add-on: Could Shannon have been testing me?  She said "I really don't want to carry this [laundry basket]" out loud.  Could she have wanted me to help her carry it? Doesn't matter now, what's done is done.

Note to self: Acquire financial and material resources by either getting a job or through stocks.  Now about Ameritrade...

Note to self: Do nice things for women you're attracted to.  Show that you're attracted to them, don't act "cool."  Remember to tilt head and body when talking to somebody taller than you or when you're sitting down.

Observation:  Today I cried a little when Andrew cancelled our gym appointment then Shannon pops up again.  I guess there is a God.  What has he planned for me?

Abandon the project?

Andrew cancelled our gym time saying that he has tons of work to do.  I wouldn't be surprised if he cancelled because of how I fubar'd socially last week.  Doubts keep popping up whether I should continue this project.  This transitional phase, whether it is a transitional phase or not, is painful.  What will happen when I'm more outgoing?  Will I be even more lonely?  INTJs are considered weird by others, and that is a big social no no.  Why did I ever leave Katherine?  Why didn't I tell her that I loved her?  Losing her is the worst mistake of my life.

Bryce's girlfriend

Bryce came back tonight on Saturday/Sunday morning.  He came in holding some stuff and his girlfriend, Stephanie, I think that's her name, was helping him.  When Stephanie came in, I looked at her wondering who the hell she was because I can't even recognize her.  She had this disgusted look on her and said hey to me without making eye contact.  I thought nothing of it and carried on.  I stood up and looked towards the bathroom because I wanted to wash my hands and clean up the small amount of soy sauce that was spilled on the table.  Stephanie was in the way and I noticed that she looked at me for about 2.5 seconds and spun around to talk to Bryce.  Red flags started popping up in my mind.  Psychological and behavioral analysis indicates that Stephanie thinks I'm attracted her.  Facepalm.  Dear God!  Seriously? Seriously?! What the fuck, I'm not even attracted to her and she thinks I am after she and I met after only two times?  What the hell?!  Jesus Christ, my relations with Bryce is already on thin ice as is, the guy is spooked by me.  If a conflict pops up from this shit, I'll be so fucking pissed.  This would be absolutely ridiculous.  Maybe that INTJ was right, maybe we just aren't meant to fit into society, maybe no matter what we do, we cannot change.  Sigh.  I'll securitize, mobilize and strategize just in case.  Maybe spending all my time at Geisel Library wasn't such a bad idea after all.

On another note, I think Eric is spooked by my material possessions.  I noticed that he was staring at my 1 TB hard drive.  Sigh, I seriously think relations are going down rapidly.  Oh well at least the campus security guys are nice.

Note to self:  Spend more time at laundry room, be more outgoing and social, and limit contact with Stephanie.

Note to self 2: Limit eye contact with people taller than you.  Make eye contact with people shorter than you.

Elena

I saw Elena again tonight at the laundry room, but I saw her from the outside of the laundry room.  She didn't see me.  I should have went in to greet her, but I didn't, I don't know why.  My previous post talked about lost opportunities and how I am limiting myself.  That was yesterday and I just screwed up again today, fantastic stuff.  I might be regressing, I must push forward.

Note to self:  Other people are important, and maintaining contact with them is important.  I must go out of my way to greet others and maintain contact with them in order to build stronger relationships.

Lost opportunities

I have been thinking a bit about Shannon lately.  I really wish I didn't screw up that conversation I had with her.  Oh, what could have been  Anyway, Shannon is merely a symptom of my bigger problem.  My problem is the inability and unwillingness to initiate contact with women.   As an INTJ and social anxiety sufferer, I am so unfamiliar and afraid of relationships and intimacy that I simply avoid it.  The closest thing to a relationship that I ever had was with Katherine and I consider that a fluke.  I think I subconsciously saw her as a little sister which is why I was so relaxed around her.  Considering the psychological position I'm in, I'm actually lucky to have the looks and physique to attract women towards me.  Even then, my stupidity and my fear, keeps on rejecting them, keep pushing them away.  I can think up of so many instances where girls would chase after me, but I would reject them, not out of thinking I'm better, but because of my fear.  It happens time and time again, but I fear that one day my looks will fade and my physique will become obsolete, then what will I have left?  I need to push forward to develop my personality, and to eliminate my fear.  Other wise, I'm doomed to nothingness.

Note to self:  Don't be afraid of women, don't reject women, maintain relations with women even you're not attracted to them, treat them as though they are another guy and actively pursue women if she is interested.

Julia AGAIN

I think I saw Julia at the market tonight.  This is a Thursday night, kind of odd I didn't see her when I was doing recon last week.  For some reason, I'm so nervous just at the mere sight of her, hell, just the mere thought of being near her.  It doesn't make sense, yeah she is very attractive, but my mind already put a zero relations probability on her already.  This shouldn't be happening.  I'll try to talk to her in person sometime.  Hopefully.

Man, I seriously pissed off a lot of people at the Village Market.  One girl, I think, is still pissed off that she over charged me and I told her manager about it. Another guy, tall black guy, is freaked out by me I think.

I have been thinking about Clarissa for several minutes.  Analyses of interactions between me and her indicates that she might have thought I wasn't paying attention/listening to her because I was trying to limit eye contact when she was sitting next to me.

Note to self: I seriously need to workout, I can't hide under the facade of being buff forever.
Note to self 2: Don't not be afraid to look a woman in the eye when sitting next to them, don't be afraid to get physically close to a woman, make moderate eye contact with women, monitor facial expressions.

Update: It's Friday morning and I saw Julia again at the Market.  She seems pretty much wants to avoid me.  When I was about to line up, she would go behind the other register.  Nonetheless, I need to apologize in person.

The situation with Bryce is deteriorating.  I keep forgetting to sit up straight and tilt my head upwards to greet.  He seems freaked out by me.  My reformation program isn't going as well as I am hoping.

Note to self 3: Remember to tilt head to greet.

Jeremy and Phoebe

I met another person today.  His name is Jeremy and he is from the Village's building 1.  I'm sure meeting a lot of people around lately.  My conversation was brief, but normal I guess, however I noticed that I'm not too enthusiastic to meet new people.  I should modify that.  The situation in regards to Phoebe is complicated.  She now comes down to say hi before going to take her seat.  I guess she's trying to rekindle our friendship, but I'm not really sure if I could trust her.  Her psychological profile states that she is one of those type A personality types and she did see me as competition in the past.  She might be trying to get close to me to screw me over.  I hope that isn't the case.  I'll be careful around her.

On another note, I've been going through the mental records of the interactions between Julia and I.  I think she is an NF due to her being able to figure out why I was pissed off at her in the past, and she let her emotions dictate her actions.  I cannot determine if she is a P or a J and E/I is pretty much 50/50.  I need further observations.

Note to self:  Be more enthusiastic when meeting people.

Julia

I finally did it, I managed to give the note to one of Julia's coworkers last night.  I hope it managed to reach her.  I kept trying to apologize to Julia in person, but I noticed that she will move behind the bakery display the moment I enter the store, she must really hate my guts.  Honestly, I don't blame her, the way I acted was just plain stupid.  Hopefully, everything will be better.

Eric of building 1

I met a new person today in the laundry room, the guy's name is Eric and he's from building 1.  Apparently he's an econ major too and he's taking Noel for his 100A class, poor guy.  We talked for a while and while he was talking I noticed that his eye movements signaled that he was nervous around me.  Jesus Christ, I keep screwing this crap up.  The conversation went pretty decent though.  The chances that I will ever have close male friends is now declared low.  I must modify my behavior even further.

On another note, I just watched Criminal Minds, I was hoping to see Shannon again doing her laundry, it didn't happen.  I think I saw Connie the other day when I was in the courtyard doing work on the metal table.  She might have yelled to Shannon to tell her to come out, I'm not sure though.  Sigh.  I'm starting to wonder if the INTJ that posted the thread was right, maybe I shouldn't modify myself

Note to self:  Limit eye contact with everyone, only make eye contact sparingly.

A message in a bottle

I saw this posting today on intjforum.com:

http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=42408

I guess other INTJs are trying to fit in too.  I'm guessing they either quit or failed based on that post.  Nevertheless, I remain unwaivering in my goal of changing myself.  This is about survival, not about being comfortable in being who I am.  When I was younger, I was bullied a lot and I pushed myself to be stronger, faster, smarter, and tougher in order to survive.  It was painful and uncomfortable, but it was needed to be done, and now I need to survive again.  The chances of me getting married based on my current personality is slim to none, so I must modify it to get married, to survive.  I am determined and I am relentless, this goal will be accomplished or I'll die trying.

On another note, I talked with Victor, my building's RA, today.  Conversation between me and him was normal for the most part, but I forgot to smile.  I sensed that he was kind of unnerved by my behavior.  Speaking of unnerved, I noticed that my TA, Sabina, was shaken was she saw me.  I have to talk to her about that.

Note to self:  Communication is key to good relations and good relationships.  If possible, try to join larger groups so I'll stay out of the spotlight.

Relations terminated

I saw Phoebe today in Econ 100C.  She tapped on my shoulder and said hi, her facial expression was NOT happy.  My intuition was correct, she did see me delete her from my address book.  It doesn't matter now, what's done is done.  I can finally move on with my life.  One less "friend" to worry about.

I don't know if I should continue this "Reformation Program" any more.  I'm purging and purging, but I'm not gaining at all.  I still stumble and stutter like an idiot around women I find attractive, and people are still freaked out by me.  Speaking of freaked out, I think Bryce is kind of spooked by me, he seems to be trying to avoid me.  It doesn't matter, I seldom see him anyway.  Interactions between Eric and I are going well, just small talk here and there.  Also, interactions between Jacob and I going smoothly, we don't talk that much but when we do, there aren't any awkwardness or any other anomalies.  I honestly don't know if I should continue the program.  What if trying to alter myself is big mistake?  What if it makes me even worst off?  I don't know what I should do.

On another note, I can't stop thinking about that female cashier at Oceanview Terrace.  I gave her my ID card, she swiped it, looked at it and said "thank you Jason" while she unblinkingly stared at me out the corner of her eye.  It was odd, I couldn't tell if she was angry at me or something else.  I went through mental records, and there wasn't anything out of the "ordinary" about my behavior.  I smiled and said thank you and went on my way.  Something is really odd here, I need to investigate further.

Note to self:  Modify conversational output, keep conversation rolling, ending a conversation with yeah is rude.

All eyes on me...

It feels like everyone is watching me, it's kind of freaky.  When I walk the streets, I notice that people are staring at me.  When I was at the gym with Andrew, people were just looking at me for some reason.  Today, the cashier girl at Oceanview Terrace was simply staring at me.  Really odd stuff.  First the doppelganger and now the staring, something is going on.

Update:  It's night, and still all eyes on me.  Michael, one of the workers at the Village Market, was staring at me through the window of the office.  Another worker, an Asian girl, was also staring at me I think, I wasn't sure.  Something is definitely up.  Do they and everyone on campus have some sort of rumor about me, I doubt it but it seriously is creeping me out.

RIMAC

Went to the RIMAC with Andrew today and worked out for a bit.  It was nice, but my interaction was far below satisfactory.  I counted at least three occasions in which I might have inadvertently hurt Andrew's feelings.  Is it any surprise that I have no close friends and the few "friends" I do have tend to distance themselves from me?  I can't even go about without annoying my family and relatives.  Lesson learned.  Andrew may be family, but that doesn't give me the right to go about saying stupid shit.  This could have been why Mazza is so distant from me.

Note to self:  Think before saying anything, make sure anything said doesn't hurt others.

Harsh greeting, modify

My standard greeting when asked how things are going is, "Good. You?"  After analyzing several facial responses to this, I realize that this sort of greeting is too direct, too harsh.  People believe that I'm being rude or rushing.  I'll modify my initial response to something else to maybe "Oh it's okay, how about you?"

Update:  I limited my greeting today with a new cashier at the Market, but I may have fucked up on that.  I'll merely soften my Good. You? response.

Note to self:  Modify initial response.

I'm an idiot and an asshole

Getting nostalgic again, and I realized that I'm a fucking asshole and an idiot.  Jesus Christ, I keep acting like a moron and keep pissing off women.  I really gotta stop.  I have to change.

Note to self:  Stop being afraid of women, stop acting like an asshole and an idiot to women.

Growing resentment?

I sense possible growing resentment among my suite mates against me.  Jacob and I seldom talk, it's usually just greet and depart so I sense little from him, but he does seem freaked out by me.  Bryce on the other hand is entirely different.  I sense some a bit of avoidance and resentment against me.  I'm unsure of it though.  Eric is usually his cheerful and outgoing self, but I'm sensing it might be a front.  I really hope I don't have to take strategic action.

Note to self:  Spend more time at dorm and try to network with suite mates.

Active imagination

I have a really active imagination, a side that really wants to be free, a side that wants the world to see how "special" and "amazing" I am.  This is the same imagination that kind of freaks people out.  Gotta stop it.

Note to self: Stop imagining things.

Doppelganger and reflections

Okay, this is kind of freaking me out.  Random people I have never met before keep saying hi and waving to me.  First this girl saw me through my window one night and waved to me, I kept looking at her dumbfounded.  The next day some guy waves to me and I slightly wave back.  I looked behind me to see if he was waving to someone else, he wasn't.  A bunch of servers and cashiers at Oceanview Terrace keep saying, "weren't you here earlier?" or "didn't I tell you to get your card replaced?"  Then this big Asian guy today said hey what's up to me near Geisel Library even though I never met him before.  I simply gave him a confused look and said hi back.  Is there someone on campus who looks exactly like me?  Really odd stuff is going on.

I've been reflecting back a bit today.  I realize that the relationships I have with others aren't as deep as I want is because I'm the one to push them away.  If I had actually let go of my hatred and vengefulness, Phoebe and I would have had lunch and be closer and this whole avoidance bullshit wouldn't have happened.  The situation with Mazza is a lot more complicated.  If I wasn't so damn weird during the summer when I was living with him, maybe he and I would be closer friends.  Maybe.  He is pretty introverted so I don't know.  I still wish I was closer with my friends in high school.  They wanted me to get on AIM to chat or hang out, but I was too afraid due to the damn anxiety.  And of course with Katherine, sigh, she and I could have been... something.  Looking at the past, I now see my mistakes, hopefully I can change for the future.  Hopefully.  Clean slate, tabula rasa.

Elena and the Goldilocks personality

Met another girl tonight at the laundry room.  Her name is Elena, Russian apparently.  As I stated before that I was very talkative with men and women who I am not attracted to, and this was the case with Elena.  The conversation between me and her was decent and I did not tongue tie nor was I nervous.  Ironically, I talked too much, after a while of conversation, she said, "let's try to get some work done."  Under normal circumstances, I would consider it rude, but I realized she was correct, I did talk too much.  Analyzing my conversation with her, it might have appeared to be like an interrogation to her, too many questions.  Sigh, I'm still thinking about how I fubar'd the conversation with Shannon last night, I wish I was this talkative with her.

I am now trying to find the golden point for my personality and conversations.  A goldilocks zone for personality if you will.  Conversations aren't too long, aren't too short.  A personality that comes off as normal, strong, and sensitive at the same time.

I didn't see Phoebe today at Econ 100C.  She might have seen me delete her from my phone's address book two days ago.  You know, I don't want to be a jerk, but I seriously need a new beginning.  I always helped her when she needed help, but she pretends I don't exist when I needed help.  Good riddance.  If she wants to be friends, I'll confront her about it, she and I will be on equal footing this time.

Note to self:  Modify length of conversations to fit within context of situation.

Breaking down

I think I'm breaking down into my former self.  When I was talking to Shannon, I realized that I didn't smile or anything.  I thought it was due to nervousness, but when I was turning in my card to have it reprinted, I also didn't smile.  I must communicate more.

Note to self:  Smile more often especially to others.

Lost opportunity

God damn it, I chickened out.  I saw Julia but I was too afraid to go in and apologize.  Fuck.

Actual Progress

I just met this very cute girl named Shannon that lives in building 8.  I met her in the laundry room and we talked for a while.  I was scared out of my wits, my hands were sweating, and I actually felt extremely nervous.  I realize now that I am not progressing as far as I thought I was. I may be more talkative around men and women I'm not attracted to, but around girls that I find attractive, I stutter like an idiot.  There's more work to be done.

Limiting eye contact and Julia

I still haven't seen Julia, it's so odd, I seen her during the first week.  I hope she didn't quit, I'm going to write a letter of apology and hand it in to her manager, hopefully it will reach her.

I've decided to limit the amount of eye contact with the TA.  I got the feeling that she is kind of freaked out by it. Despite what I was taught, I will limit my eye contact with the TA from now on.

Progress

Testing on similarminds.com has shown that I am now at 55% introvert, it used to be at 76%.  It's good progress I guess or I just picked answers that would lead to a lower introversion score.

Andrew and I made plans to go to the gym on Sunday.  Hopefully it works out, he needs to work out and I need some company.

There is something odd going on.  It feels like something is latched onto my back, I keep pretending to physically remove it and it helps a bit for a while, but it always comes back eventually.

Remembrance

Did well on the quiz for MGT 5 today, and my packages are arriving.  Good I guess.  Saw Racquel today at Cafe Ventana.  I had a brief conversation with her, but it seems that I kind of rushed it.  Still haven't seen Julia at the market, I must have memorized her time wrong.

I have been thinking about the past today, thinking about all the people I inadvertently hurt.  I just want to apologize to them all.

I'm sorry Katherine, you fell in love with me and I was too much of a coward to say I love you back.  I broke your heart, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Serena Pang, you thought I was angry at you for losing my homework, I never was.  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Susan Hooey, when we were graduating from high school you waved to me and I immediately turned away.  I didn't mean to upset you.  I should have apologized to you when I saw you at CCSF.  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Lea Limbo, I didn't know what came over me.  You were a friend but I treated you like crap.  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Bonnie Cheung.  When you waved I didn't wave back.  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Jimmy.  I regret all the horrible things I said and done to you over the years.  I lead you down a horrible path.  I promise I'll make it all better.  I'm sorry.

I wish I had cured this social anxiety when I was still with Katherine.  I could be with her right now.  It's been two years but I still miss her.

Progress and Clarissa

It's already eight something at night, it's safe to say that Clarissa has written me off.  My intuition told me that she was on a "manhunt", that is looking for a boyfriend etc.  She saw me as a possible candidate, her behavior and actions told me so, but I told her that I would be here another year after this one.  She was going to try to graduate as soon as possible so I'm guessing she saw it as an incompatibility.  It's understandable that she written me off, I would have become a liability if she didn't.  Anyways, the fact that I was willing to text her instead of waiting shows that I am making progress in fighting off this social anxiety.  Tonight, I was willing to answer the TA instead of waiting for others to answer, even though I was wrong, I felt no fear, regret or hesitation.  Decent progress.

Update:  I think I may have been the one to screw it up.  What if my blank out state when walking made me miss Clarissa?  Ah, damn it, another one loss.

Note to self:  Always be aware of surrounding, and always greet others first.

Maybe we should have lunch sometime...

It started pouring today, fantastic stuff eh?  I didn't receive any text from Clarissa, so I texted several minutes after class.  It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't really mean it about the lunch thing, but why would she ask for my Monday schedule?   Sigh, people always say we should have lunch sometime.  Relations probability declared zero.  Note to self:  DON'T BLANK OUT, ALWAYS SCAN CONSTANTLY, ALWAYS BE AWARE.

Mazza seems to not want to hang out with me anymore.  Seems like I'm losing friends faster than before.  Whatever.  Clean slate, tabula rasa.

Limiting contact

I think Bryce and Jacob are both kind of freaked out by me.  Perhaps limiting contact with them is for the better.  Note to self:  Always stand up straight, smile more, and limit amount of eye contact.

Apologies to Loren

I apologized to Loren today at the market. She's a Hispanic girl that works at the market, last year she was attracted to me and I basically ignored her, I acted like a douche.  She said she doesn't remember, but that one blink, that one hard blink tells me something.  I promise I'll treat her and everyone else better.  Clean slate, tabula rasa.

Alienated

I feel so... alienated.  Bryce, Jacob, and Eric seem to be getting alone very well.  They seem to be very talkative around each other, except around me.  Sigh.  Odd man out.

Yeah, they're getting along fine.  Coming to UCSD was a mistake, should have stayed in San Francisco.

Probabilities and prediction

Reflecting back on Clarissa's situation, I think my chances with her are going to be low.  She was most likely calculating her probabilities too, that is if she was even planning anything.  It's odd, I still can't type Clarissa, she most definitely is an extrovert or else she is a really well disciplined introvert.  I can't really decide whether she is a Thinker or a Feeler.  She did think that I was pissed off at her during Econ 4, but any feeler would have disregarded me after those interactions, perhaps she's borderline T/F.  I'm still wondering what kind of person would just rush out of class like that.  Is she a J or a P, she definitely needed time to think after I told her how the classes were structured.  She's still a mystery, I hope to get to know her better.

Thinking about the future

My mind still crawl with thoughts about the future.  My closest friends have always been people on the fringe of society. Gamers, intellectuals, nerds, geeks and the like, but never those drinking, partying types.  I know that I can never fit in with those drinking, partying types and that is what I fear.  I fear that my future will be filled with those types, I fear that all the gamers, intellectuals, and nerds will be so hidden in the future that I will not only be romantically alone, but also alone in terms of companionship.

I'm sitting here on a Friday night/Saturday morning listening to this raging party that is going on at the Village and listen as people yell and cheer, having the time of their lives.  I know that I can fix myself, I know that I can become more outgoing and more social, but not to the extent that I will become one of those partygoers.  If I do not become like them, will that hurt my future?  Will it limit my chances of meeting and attracting women?  (It's so unfortunate that most women pay most attention to the guy displaying the most "stuff" even though he's most likely a moron.)  Will it limit my chances of getting that promotion because I need to network?  I always help people out and show them I care through acts of kindness, but people will only remember you if you can talk.  It's daunting, knowing that my entire future, career, and life is dependent upon these two years, I pray I can make it.

When I first started this blog, I imagined how this would end.  I imagined that my final post would be my declaration that I would commit suicide.  I don't want it to be like that, I want it to end happily, but the future looks so cloudy.  Anyway, Clarissa wanted to have lunch sometime, I hope she isn't another Phoebe.

Regression

I think I starting to regress back to my shelled shelf.  I think it's due to the possibility of me thinking negative thoughts yesterday.  Either that or watching Fringe makes me regress, and I very much doubt that.  Have to think happy thoughts, otherwise all my progress will be for nothing.

Update:  It's night, and I think I'm definitely regressing.  I got tongue tied several times when talking to Jacob.  I must push harder to fight it.

Update:  INTJ vibe strikes again.  I notified Bryce about two girls that were looking for him.  He was kind of fearful and hesitant, I then knew the vibe struck again.  Note to self:  Look up with my head, not my eyes and stand up straight.

Home Plate

Bryce invited me and Jacob to go to Home Plate with him.  When I got there, I didn't see them so I went back and forth until I found them.  My anxiety kept pushing me, telling me to go back, but I didn't.  My interaction with Bryce was optimal, not the best but decent.  Bryce and his friend kept talking over Jacob.  When Jacob tried to talk to Bryce's friend, he wasn't very friendly.  Poor Jacob.  After we left, I started talking to Jacob about various subjects.  I was tongue tied on several occasions, but overall it was a good conversation.  Note to self: lower reaction response, too high reaction response results in negative perception.

Well it's final, apparently Clarissa dropped the MGT 5 class.  I'm guessing she's dropping the entire accounting minor too.  Sigh.  Even though she dropped the class, she still wants to have lunch with me sometime.  I noticed that she was wearing makeup when she was in class similar to how she wore makeup during the last couple of days of Econ 4.  Could my intuition be correct.  Hmm...

My intuition is telling me that Eric thinks I'm avoiding him.  I'm certainly not, I spend most of my alone.  I'll confront him about it when the time is right.

再见

Interaction with Clarissa today went decently, but unfortunately she didn't know how the accounting minor was structured.  I told her it was structured like a series, requiring one course before the next one.  She thought she could take several of the classes simultaneously and hoped to graduate within this year.  Several minutes later she rushed out during class, she mentioned something about seeing a counselor.  Great.

Started raining today, right after several days of a heat wave.  Fantastic.  I guess there is a God and he has an ironic sense of humor.

I saw Phoebe again today in my Econ 100C class.  I waved to her and the response I got was a "oh great, he saw me, I really don't want to be here" kind of look.  You know, I'm sick and tired of this bitch.  When I first met her she thought I was attracted to her, I NEVER was.  Every time she needed help, every time she wanted me to take notes, I did to help her.  Then one day she accuses me of cheating to get into UCSD.  I always help everyone, men and women, and no, I don't do it to get in some girl's pants.  When I was younger and I needed help, no one ever helped me so I try my best not to be like those kinds of people.  When Phoebe needed help, I was always there.  Hell, during the summer she wanted to borrow my calculator so I went out of my way to help her, walking from one side of the campus to another in the burning sun.  When she was stressed out that she might have bombed the Econ 110B final, I was the one who told her to relax and that everything will be alright.  All this for a "friend".

I sent her the text several days ago apologizing hoping for a fresh start, hoping that she and I will be better friends.  Screw it, I'm tired of her bullshit.  Phoebe is one of the most manipulative and pathetic cunts I have ever met.  Since I'm trying to start my life anew, she'll be the first one to go.  Clean slate, tabula rasa.  I won't let my experience with Phoebe affect relations with Clarissa, that is if she is still going to do the accounting minor.

Ian, Ian, Ian...

Bumped into that dumbshit Benjamin Chiang tonight, apparently he doesn't live on campus anymore.  (His dumbass got himself kicked out of the Village.)  Ben pointed to Ian with Bobby.  Sigh.  Ian's a nice guy, but he seriously needs a spine.  During the last couple of days when I was still living with them, Ben and Bobby told Ian to suck their dicks after they done some stupid shit to Ian.  When Ian demanded an apology, Bobby basically told him to shut the fuck up and made Ian his bitch.  And now Ian is still hanging out with them. Oh Lord, facepalm.

INTJ suite mate?

I'm beginning to suspect more and more that Jacob, one of my suite mates, is another INTJ.  He's a physics major I think and he often locks himself in his room watching movies.  Sort of like me last year.

Update:  History major actually

The damn vibe

Great, my INTJ vibe came out again.  Went to my BILD1 discussion section, and when the TA asked for out majors, I answered first.  Right after I answered I sensed that the TA was troubled and fearful, I knew that my INTJ vibe/stare struck again.  I guess my conditioning is more deeply ingrained than I thought, it's going to take a lot of work.  Note to self:  Always sit up straight.

I hope my interactions with Clarissa tomorrow will go smoothly.  I plan to explain my social anxiety to her and apologize for my behavior during the summer.  Hopefully...

Clean Break

I keep bumping into people that I treated poorly in the past.  My social anxiety, combined with my less than stellar responses to people that want to socialize with me, have created a lot of enemies.  I understand, I would be pissed too if I was treated the way I treated them.  I'll try to apologize to Julia if I see her.  After that, I start fresh, if people want to socialize and talk to me, I'll socialize back.  If girls are interested in me I'll socialize with them too even though I have no interest in them, I'll stop acting like a jerk and stop ignoring them.  Clean slate, tabula rasa starting now.

Cool down in nature and relations

The temperature at UCSD is cooling down, finally, still quite warm though.  I can't believe that I actually miss the freezing weather of San Francisco, I like the heat but combined with the slight humidity, it was driving me nuts.  Thank God, Geisel Library has a super powered air conditioning system.

I saw Clarissa today, she was this girl I met in Econ 4 during the summer, she's nice.  I'm still kind of suspicious that she would keep trying to get my attention though.  When we were in Econ 4, she immediately insisted that I be her partner in some team work things.  There was another guy that she socializes with, why didn't she choose him?  I very much doubt she is attracted to me.  Odd.  Oh well, I'll suppress my thinking side and try to be more friendly.  (Okay WTF.  I posted asking if there is a God and to give me a sign yesterday and Clarissa pops up today. Huh...)

I saw Phoebe today, she didn't seem too happy to see me.  That's strange because every time she sees me, it's always smiles.  Why is it different this time?  Several days ago, I thought about the grudge I held after she accused me cheating to get into UCSD.  I responded by treating her poorly on several occasions.  I texted her with my apology, but today when I saw her today her response was... different.  It was almost like a combination of indifference, hesitation, and uncomfortable all in one.  I just texted her to confront her about it.

Update:  Confronted her about it, she says busy etc. etc. and that was why she acted that way.  Really odd though, as she was leaving after class, she kept pulling down her skirt as if to cover up her legs.  When my intuition tells me something, I'm usually right, but I'll take her word for it.

Is there a God?

I sometimes wonder if there truly is a God.  Throughout my life, during my darkest hours, something good always happen for some reason.  When I'm lonely and suicidal, some new person pops up out of nowhere and says "hey, I seen you from somewhere blah blah..."  There is always some spark of hope, something that lifts me up to keep going.  But doing this over and over again, falling down again and again, it gets tiresome.  When I was 12, I was coming home from school about to cross a street, suddenly there was this booming voice in my head and told me to stop.  Less than half a second later, this car comes out of nowhere and runs the red light.  If I hadn't stopped I would be nothing but a rotting corpse right now.  Kinda wish I was...  I'm doing my best to change my life, to make it go in the direction I want it to go, but I want to know is there a God.  Is some higher power steering my life towards some greater purpose?  Give me a sign, any sign...

INTJs are supposed to be rational, logical, and scientific, that is what I am, but I wonder can God be proven or disproved?  The amount of stuff that happens to me, the timing and all, just seem so coincidental.  I know the universe doesn't revolve me or any one person, but I can't help but wonder if there is some guardian angel and higher power watching over me.

Blast from the past and interracial relationships

Another girl from the past, this time a blonde.  The blonde's name is Julia, she works at the Village corner market.  She was attracted to me last year, but through some miscommunication I thought she hated my guts.  Every time I bought something and she was the cashier, she would stare at me and immediately wipe her hand on the counter top.  I thought she found me disgusting or something.  One night she was just staring at me and I gave a mean look in return.  During the return flight for spring break or winter break, she and I were apparently on the same flight from San Francisco to San Diego.  I saw her, she saw me, and she crossed her arms all pissed off.  That was when I realized she was attracted to me.  Several weeks later, I was in line waiting to pay for a couple of items, and standing next to me hoping to get my attention.  Being my socially awkward self, I kept looking at the clock on the wall to lose her attention (Nice huh?  God, I'm such an idiot)  It just made her extremely upset.  If I see her away from her colleagues, I'll try to apologize to her, though it doesn't seem like she remembers me.

This brings me to the other topic I have in mind, interracial relationships.  In this day and age, it seems like interracial relationships are all the rage, hell, just look at the Obama and Tiger Woods.  People are celebrating and cheering for them because they represent a "post-racial world and society."  However, I am extremely wary of being in an interracial relationship.  Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with folks that want to be in one because that is their life and choice, but I'm not sure if I can be in one myself.  

Even though I was born and raised in the U.S., I don't feel like I'm an American, I feel like I'm a F.O.B (fresh of the boat) straight from mainland China.  Yeah, I work out, watch porn, possess Western manners and I'm independent thinking, but other than that I don't feel like I can connect with most Americans.  I don't care for football or sports, I don't care for cars, and I find rap and modern American pop culture to be fucking stupid.  (I actually prefer music from the 80s.)  I can tell better jokes in Chinese than I can in English, and I always felt more comfortable around Chinese people.  It kind of explains why some of my most recent friends are F.O.Bs from Hong Kong and Taiwan.  If I were to just go out with any non-Asian, hell, non-Chinese, I have one hell of a cultural barrier to break.

Maybe in time I will get over this hesitation of being with non-Asian women.  Even though I had many Chinese and Asian girls chasing after me, I can't form a connection with them.  So right now I'm more of a beggar than a chooser.  If someday, somewhere a non-Asian/Chinese girl and I are having a great time and forming a great connection then I'll go for it without hesitation.

Note to self:  Be more open minded, give interracial relationships a shot.

I went down, down, down and the flames went higher...

It's super scorching hot in San Diego right now.  Just sleeping last night felt like I was in an oven that was warming up, even though all the windows were opened and I was wearing only a t-shirt and shorts.  I don't know what's worst, freezing my ass off in San Francisco or roasting in San Diego.

I still haven't decided whether I should get a digital camera.  The cameras in the UCSD bookstore are usually marked up by about 10 to 20 dollars.  Even if I buy one online, I'm not sure how often I'll use it.

The ENFP

I've been thinking about her, no, not the girl from two years ago, I've been thinking about this girl I met last year. Her name is Julie (Yen Tu), and I think she was an ENFP.  She was outgoing, bubbly and friendly with everyone, I had a massive crush on her.  I think she was attracted to me too.  One day, however, she said "I don't really like Jason" to her roommate right in front of me.  She thought I wasn't anywhere near her.  I was hurt.  Even though she said that, every time she sees me she just had to get my attention.  It was always "Hey Jason," "What's up Jason?"  When she thought I was attracted to her roommate (I wasn't), she immediately started conversing with me to get back my attention.  I honestly didn't know what to think, I know that ENFPs tend to say a lot of stupid shit, but I wasn't sure what was the truth.  I didn't know if she actually liked me or actually hated me.  Every time she came over, she just had to talk to me.  Maybe she did like me, maybe I should be more forgiving of people. Meh, by the end of the year, her body language told me she lost interest in me.  ENFPs, always jumping from one thing to the next.  I wonder if she still lives at the Village...

The Future

The INTJ vibe, it's a blessing and a curse.  It keeps the morons away, but scares the regular folks away too.  Due to this vibe, I managed to piss off about half a dozen people in the Village corner market and at Cafe Ventana.  When I try to make eye contact and say thank you, they immediately think that I'm pissed off at them. There was this black lady that worked at the Village corner market that thought I hated her guts, I didn't.  She's gone, I probably single handily caused her to quit.  I saw Ian a couple of days ago and I talked to him a bit and tried to smile as we talked, it probably freaked him out and he left.  Jesus Christ, fuck my life.

Tonight I spent several hours talking to my friend that I lived with during the summer.  I watched him play some online game and we talked as he played.  It's not exactly my idea of hanging out, but it's socializing nonetheless.  It may be small progress towards curing my social anxiety, but it's a start.  I want to cure my anxiety, I want to make friends.  When I was in high school, I was surrounded by dozens of friends, but some where along the way I lost the capacity to make friends.  I want that ability back.  I miss my high school friends...

I want to cure my social anxiety not just because I want to make more friends, it's about survival.  One of my cousins is in his 30s, he still lives with his parents, he works a dead end job, doesn't have a girlfriend, and he plays games all day.  My family, relatives and I are all worried about him and we have no idea what he is doing with his life.  I don't want to end up like that, that life, that future is a dead end one.  I don't care if I don't have friends for a boys night out, but I do want to be social enough to attract a girl to marry and settle down with.  I have the looks, the physique, the intelligence and talents to attract most girls, but the only thing I lack is the ability to communicate well due to this damn anxiety.  The very thought of myself living the life of my cousin makes me shudder.

On another note, I walked around the Village several nights ago to get some fresh air.  I went around several times and went back to my dorm.  When I was in my dorm I overheard a couple of girls saying "there was this hot guy walking around..."  I doubt it's about me, but hey, a man can dream.

INTJs around campus and the past

Only 2% of a population are INTJs so out of a population of tens of thousands at UCSD, there are bound to be some  INTJs running around.  I think I saw an INTJ today, he was one of those servers behind the counter at Cafe Ventana.  I'm not an expert at typing people and I don't consider myself to be one, but the reason I suspect he's one because of his stare.  He has the stereotypical soul piercing stare that INTJs are so famous for.

I think I saw another INTJ last year aswell.  He was a Hispanic fellow that was sitting by himself in one those old lecture rooms in Warren Lecture Hall.  Last year, one of my discussion sections was in WLH 2005, I came in early one day to enjoy the silence before class began.  There he was, sitting there at the corner, using his laptop doing his own thing.  I looked at him and he looked at me and asked if there was a class coming up, I responded with a yes and he said thank you and immediately left.  His reaction was so similar to mine, it was like looking at a clone of myself.  I wonder if he has social anxiety too, if he does, I hope he's doing something about it.

My current roommate is familiar with the Myers-Brigg, and he admitted that he is a borderline ENTJ/INTJ.  I think he is more of an ENTJ due to his extroverted nature, but he does exhibit typical INTJ behavior from time to time.  He also told me that both his mother and father are INTJs.  That's simply amazing.  I consider his dad to be a very lucky man to have found an INTJ wife considering that only 0.5% of women are INTJs.  Female INTJs are rarer than any diamond or platinum in the world.  I wish I could meet an INTJ girl on campus.

Thinking of INTJ women reminds me of the woman of dreams, the woman I gave up to come here to UCSD.  I think she was an INTJ because she was absolutely amazing, and it would explain how I got along so well with her even with my social anxiety.  Within several months, she and I fell deeply in love, when she told me she loved me, my social anxiety kicked in and my mind filled with what-ifs.  I knew that I would be moving away for college and since she is going to the University of San Francisco, I feared any relationship would be for nothing.  She tried over and over again through several months hoping that I would reciprocate, but I never did.  I finally built up the courage to tell her I love her, that I would go to San Francisco State like she wanted me to, but I never saw her again.  I tried email, but she never responded.  I broke her heart and she broke mine.  It's been two years now, but I still think of her from time to time, and even then I still tear up as I do now as I write this.

Katherine Leung of University of San Francisco, I wish you the best.  I hope you manage to become an anesthesiologist.  Hell, why not try to be the neurosurgeon you dreamed of becoming.  Sigh...

The INTJ and continued introduction

For those not in the know, the letters INTJ in the INTJ@UCSD actually represent something.  The INTJ is merely one of 16 different psychological types of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.  INTJ stands for Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging.  According to Myers-Briggs, it is believed that every human being on the planet can be classified as one of those 16 types.  Since I was about 13, I found out that I was classified as an INTJ.  I was thrilled that I was an INTJ since only 2% of any population are INTJ, and they are considered to be "supermen."  Hell, look at this, this is the personal of one my previous professors whom I believe to be an INTJ:

http://dss.ucsd.edu/~itelyuko/personal.htm

You should check out her C.V. too.

I, myself, is a decent artist and poet.  I dabbled in various religions and philosophies in the past and I can tell you a decent amount about some of them.  (Apparently knowing more about Islam than "Muslims worship Allah" makes people think you're a Jihadist / suicide bomber)  Even though I'm an economics major, I can still go toe to toe or even outdo chem/biochem majors in their chemistry classes.  I was an engineering major before I switched to economics.  I have taken such a great interest in international politics and history, I can actually tell you how one event relates to another and how various political leaders and nations will react to a situation.  Of course, since I'm an INTJ, I'm completely obsessed with and have an above average understanding of technology.

Sounds great doesn't it?  To be one person, and to have so much knowledge, talents and abilities, an INTJ can be a Titan among men.  Hell, I used these talents and abilities to impress those girls that my roommates were interested in.  Awesome, isn't it?  No, it's not.  Even Superman has a weakness, his Kryptonite, and for the INTJ, it is relationships.

Relationships, personal and romantic, are difficult for INTJs.  We tend to be straight forward and rational making things such as flirting, for example, seem absolutely bizarre to us.  Apparently INTJs also tend to give off a supervillain/psychopath vibe that scares the hell out of people.  (http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=30853)  For me, it's even more difficult.  When I was younger, I was bullied and teased a lot causing my social anxiety.  I responded by working out like crazy to buff up and scare off the bullies.  It worked well, but now my physique is more of a detriment than an advantage.  I know frat boys and jocks won't screw with me even when I act like a nerd, but I'm also scaring off regular folks, people I want to socialize with and befriend.  I tend to scare off a lot of people because of my "INTJ vibe" and the fact I look like a mini Chinese Arnold Schwarzenegger, but apparently I scare off even more people once they realize I have an I.Q. in the upper 120s.  My social anxiety doesn't help either, I always end up saying the wrong thing or having the wrong tone.  One of my friends seem to be more reluctant to talk and seems to be avoiding me after we lived together during the summer.  Sigh, it gets lonely out here.

For the folks that somehow stumbled upon this and are interested in a clearer explanation of the MBTI, watch these videos by barcode9588:

http://www.youtube.com/user/barcode9588#p/u

I'm considering buying a digital camera to take some pictures around UCSD.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe.

In the beginning...

Posting barely several hours after the first post.  Great.  But honestly though, I have a lot to get off my chest, a lot to say.  First off, a little introduction.  I am a 22 year old transfer student at UCSD living in the Village transfer housing.  I have been here for a year, and during that first year it was nothing but pain and misery.  But I knew that was what I was in for because I gave up everything just to go to UCSD.  I gave up all my friends and the woman I love, the woman of my dreams just to be here.  I kept telling myself that going to UC San Diego instead of San Francisco State was for the best, that I was doing something for myself, what a stupid fool I was.

During my first year here, my racist piece of shit roommate by the name of Bobby Nguyen, disrespected my parents just because they were Chinese.  I told my suite mates about it, and with the exception of one, they sided with that bastard.  Needless to say, my year was ruined.  In the end though, I got my revenge.  I managed to silence and humble Alex Fish, I destroyed Benjamin Chang's life, and ruined that bastard Bobby's future.  Revenge was sweet, but the realization that it was a pyrrhic victory set in.

Alex, Ben, and Bobby were the ones that kept bringing female friends back, but their female friends were always interested and intrigued in me.  I never gave those girls the time of day to leave them interested, never letting them pay attention to the Three Stooges.  It really pissed those three off.  Ben started to insult Alex because he had body hair and Ben didn't (LOLWUT?)  I guessed that it was because Ben felt physically inferior and needed a scapegoat on why girls weren't interested in him.  (He was a misogynistic fat idiot)  Bobby became fucking pissed when he found out his little sister was attracted to me.  Alex Fish, the jock, the high school football team running back, fell silent when more and more girls became interested in me, the nerd.  This was just one of the tactics I used to get my revenge.  It worked, I won, but what was it all for?  I destroyed those bastards' egos, but what about all those girls?  They were interested in me, ME!  Each and every one was absolutely beautiful, and I merely used them as weapons, as collateral damage.  I could be with one of them right now, but instead I went down this sick path of revenge.  I realized this two days after everyone moved out, and I broke down into tears.  Now I'm here all alone on a friday night, just the first of many.

The only suite mate that didn't screw me over was a guy by the name of Ian Applegate Olson.  He's a nice guy, intelligent and hard working.  He was reluctant to help me at first, because I wasn't "cool", but he came to his senses later on.  Ian, if you somehow stumble upon this somewhere, some day, I want you to know that I appreciate you for being a good person, thank you.

First Post

This is the first post in this blog.  I didn't create this blog because I believe that my life is interesting or to gossip or any of that crap.  I created this blog because I have mild to severe social anxiety and this blog is my way of curing it.  At least I hope it works.  I'm currently a transfer student living at the Village at UCSD, and since I still have two years remaining due to the way my stupid accounting minor is set up, expect a lot of posts.  Here goes nothing...