The Future

The INTJ vibe, it's a blessing and a curse.  It keeps the morons away, but scares the regular folks away too.  Due to this vibe, I managed to piss off about half a dozen people in the Village corner market and at Cafe Ventana.  When I try to make eye contact and say thank you, they immediately think that I'm pissed off at them. There was this black lady that worked at the Village corner market that thought I hated her guts, I didn't.  She's gone, I probably single handily caused her to quit.  I saw Ian a couple of days ago and I talked to him a bit and tried to smile as we talked, it probably freaked him out and he left.  Jesus Christ, fuck my life.

Tonight I spent several hours talking to my friend that I lived with during the summer.  I watched him play some online game and we talked as he played.  It's not exactly my idea of hanging out, but it's socializing nonetheless.  It may be small progress towards curing my social anxiety, but it's a start.  I want to cure my anxiety, I want to make friends.  When I was in high school, I was surrounded by dozens of friends, but some where along the way I lost the capacity to make friends.  I want that ability back.  I miss my high school friends...

I want to cure my social anxiety not just because I want to make more friends, it's about survival.  One of my cousins is in his 30s, he still lives with his parents, he works a dead end job, doesn't have a girlfriend, and he plays games all day.  My family, relatives and I are all worried about him and we have no idea what he is doing with his life.  I don't want to end up like that, that life, that future is a dead end one.  I don't care if I don't have friends for a boys night out, but I do want to be social enough to attract a girl to marry and settle down with.  I have the looks, the physique, the intelligence and talents to attract most girls, but the only thing I lack is the ability to communicate well due to this damn anxiety.  The very thought of myself living the life of my cousin makes me shudder.

On another note, I walked around the Village several nights ago to get some fresh air.  I went around several times and went back to my dorm.  When I was in my dorm I overheard a couple of girls saying "there was this hot guy walking around..."  I doubt it's about me, but hey, a man can dream.