Final Post, Legacy

It's over, it's finally over, I graduated from UCSD and this will be my final post and the end of this project.  It's been a couple days since graduation and I already feel like several months have passed.  Though I cannot say that this project was 100% successful, it has definitely helped me in becoming more extroverted and sociable, even to the point that I would be considered normal by other people.  I'm not arrogant enough to say that my social anxiety is completely cured because even right now as I sit on my bed back home, I can already feel that I'm slowly regressing.  I still have to constantly practice my social skills and to push forward.

A couple of things first.  I bumped into Jocelyn during move out and we talked a bit.  Didn't realize she was graduating too.  My body language and facial expressions were good.  When I kept going to play pool, people came in over and over again looking for a bathroom.  I helped them out without being nervous at all.  One of Cary's female friend from down the hall needed help moving their tv.  I offered my help without hesitation and wasn't nervous conversing with one of them.  I also sent goodbye emails to Dr. Poizner and Dean Bailey, thanking them for helping me along the way.  No nervousness about sending those emails.

Through out this entire project, I've been checking every now and then to see who's been reading my blog.  (I've noticed that someone typed in Ian Applegate Olson and ucsd intj bobby a few weeks ago on google.  Ian?  Bobby?  If it is, I hope you guys enjoyed it.)  Every so often I would find key words coming from google search such as "intj loneliness", "intj emotions", "intj relationships" from different parts of the world.  It looks like I'm not the only one out there who is absolutely confused about what they are and what they should do to fit in.

In the last three years at UCSD, I've experienced failures, lost of potential relationships, and even heartbreak, but I feel that the experience gained has been invaluable.  I feel that the experience I gained here would be helpful to all those confused INTJs and introverts out there looking for answers.  It took a few days but I went back and compiled all the note to selfs I made over the years.  It might not be 100% applicable to you, but there's enough overlap between all introverts for this to apply.  This is the list:

• Be more opened minded, give new things a try.
• Be aware of your surroundings
• Smile more often to others, and be enthusiastic when greeting people
• Modify length of conversations to fit within context of situation
• Get your head out of the clouds, don't be so aloof
• Network more with the people around you
• Don't be afraid of women, treat them the same way you would treat a guy
• Soften your responses
• Think before saying something
• Know how to keep a conversation rolling and when and how to end it
• Communications is key to a good relationship, maintaining contact is key to strong relationships
• Be patient with others, and be more altruistic and caring
• Don't be so uptight, loosen up and have fun.  Not everything's a competition.
• Facial expression and body language is important
• Learn to forgive and forget, don't be so vindictive
• Be comfortable with yourself and be able to make fun of yourself.  Be confident
• Don't turn down invitations and clarify any misunderstandings
• Don't rush conversations, be more talkative, keep a conversation rolling and be positive
• Be friendly and relaxed around women, be more active in the pursuit of women, don't push them away
• Wave, smile and make sure people hear you when saying goodbye.
• Don't be whiny, don't be clingy
• Show affection to people you care for, spend more time with them.
• Don't ignore women who are attracted to you, don't give up so quickly
• Take more risk and chances, and jump on any opportunity.  Improvise
• Face your problems head on
• Don't over think things, think short term, not always long term.
• Spend more time doing, not analyzing
• Trust your intuition
• Don't let old hatreds and grudges distract you
• Don't be complacent in who, what, or where you are.
• Don't be so interrogative, be natural
• Develop a better sense of humor
• Invest time and energy into a relationship
• Always apologize or say important things face to face in person
• Don't be passive aggressive
• Don't be so guarded and warm up to others quicker
• Be genuine in emotions and feelings, don't be arrogant, and don't be blunt and cold
• Be direct and straight forward with someone when you want someone to respond to you
• Be completely honest straightforward or not at all, don't flip flop.
• Don't objectify people
• Regulate emotions so that it would flow smoothly and consistently
• Be "normal", never reveal what you are unless you're extremely close to them.
• Stop making excuses, don't weasel out of things.
• Actively scan your surroundings when driving

That's it, that's the list of all I learned and experienced in the last two years, combined with research and experience from other, older INTJs before me.  If you're reading this and you're looking for answers in trying to be "normal", I hope this helps you.  If the list is too long, then just do this:  ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION.  That little nagging voice inside you is your greatest tool, guide, and weapon in this strange world we live in.  I didn't listen to mine on several occasions and suffered for it, so listen to your's.

The reason I started this project is because I'm afraid I'll end up being alone for the rest of my life.  There are so many INTJs and introverts whose time has passed and they slowly faded away without even a whimper.  I don't want to be like that, I want to be a husband and father someday.  I hope to start a family of my own someday and this project was the first step in doing so.  To all those who came before me but passed on, this one's for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIIA3NKqebg

One last note, I got my final grades back.  A in literature class, A+ in computer programming, and C+ in OChem 140c.  Sigh, that's the end of my pharmacy career.  If I had gotten a B- in ochem, I would've gotten Provost's Honors for my last quarter rather than a 3.43.  Good to know I get one last kick to the balls before I go.

Note to self:  Push forward, live a good life, start a family.

Home:

@5/14/13:  Ch:  3332  Ff:  2189  Ie:  1910  Saf:  1067  Op:  318  MSa:  160
Search terms:
julia popova ucsd -> using chrome, windows
INTJ@UCSD yoon -> using firefox, windows
julie tu ucsd -> using safari, iphone
julia popova ucsd -> using android

@10/30/12:  Ch:  2985  Ff:  1729  Ie:  1533  Saf:  914  Op:  218  MSa:  126
Multiple Search terms that appeared:
julie tu ucsd -> using safari, most likely with iphone
julia popova ucsd -> using safari, with mac
ucsd village market julia -> using windows, with internet explorer
stephanie fried hot ta and stephanie fried econ -> using windows, with internet explorer

@6/21/12  Ch:  2602   Ff:  1474   Ie:  1319   Saf:  718   Op:  197   MSa:  88

@7/13/14  Ch:  3833   Ff:  2435   Ie:  2310   Saf:  1331  Op:  464  MSa:  184

A Snapshot In Time

This is my second to last post.  A long time ago, I wrote that I would buy a camera and take some pictures.  I didn't, but I did used the Playbook and my cellphone instead.  To any future UCSD student who stumbles upon this crappy blog in the future, how different is it in your time?

UCSD's economics department, where I wasted three years of my life:

Pool table in the village lounge, which used to be the old village market before the summer of 2011.  I'm going to miss this pool table.  It helped ease my loneliness many times and I've gotten quite good at it.

 

External Portion of Rady School of Management, completed in March 2012:

 

Various shots of the Village Transfer Housing from above:

Rimac Field:






Village West courtyard, the towering building is where I lived during my first year:




The grill was installed during the fall 2011 or winter 2012 quarter.  Also, a half eaten sandwich.



One of San Diego's beautiful sunsets viewed from the Village East:


Village East Tower at night.  The Village East finally opened to habitation in the summer of 2011:



Day before graduation and the graduation ceremony for Marshall College.  Good luck to the class of 2012:

  

The journey home:




Village West Tower, fifth floor, where Julie and I first met.  She lived at the end of this hall, I was on the opposite end:

"Hey Jason!" Julie yelled.  She waved.

I waved back.

I lost her, I screwed up.

Midnight Madness

It's Thursday night or Friday morning, depending on how you look at it, and I can't sleep.  I've been packing up stuff getting ready to leave.

I've been thinking about what I should do after I leave, and aside from my previous objectives listed before, I need to do the following:

• Get out more, spend more time outside and talking to people
• Constantly modify dress code to fit in with general population
• Get professional stylist, current buzzcut is cheap and simple but gives off too much of a military vibe
• Pick up new interests and hobbies such as painting, art, instruments
• Become a better conversationalist with more interesting things to say.
• Keep relaxing body language and behavior, don't analyze too much.
• Use sun block, skin tans too easily
• Go with the flow in everything
• Listen to intuition when it comes to relationships
• Keep smiling and waving to others.
• Be more expressive of how you feel, never bottle it up
• Be more empathetic

I saw Dean Bailey today at the village front desk.  I smiled, waved, and said hi with no negative physiological effects at all.  That's good, though time from initial contact to greeting could be faster.  I also just waved and said hi to a security guy outside my window and I wasn't nervous.  Got to keep on pushing forward, can't regress.

Update:  Just got my programming final score, 93%.  Great went from 3rd overall in the class to #6.  Overall percentage of 95.98%.  Meh, at least it's a flat A, hopefully.

Addendum:  I created a LinkedIn account several weeks ago and connected with several people.  I also searched up some of the people I knew in the past.  Man, they've already accomplished so much, if this was a race then I'm already several hundred miles behind.  A lot of them were econ majors like me, Ruby and Andrew.  Don't know if that should make me feel better or not.  Sigh, should've grown a spine and told my parents that I will not go to UCSD no matter what.  Should've went to San Francisco State like I wanted.

You're Weird

It's official, I'm done with everything.  I took my computer programming final yesterday and I'm officially done with UCSD and I'll be leaving on Saturday.  I got my programming quizzes back and apparently I didn't bomb them, I actually aced them.  Good I suppose.

I'm no longer upset about the whole thing with Julie.  I shot myself in the foot by showing her this blog, but the introspective analysis I gained from it has been helpful.  I assumed she got turned off because in my blog I came off as either insane or a douche, but another possibility is that she thought I was too weird.  When I was with Katherine, she used to laugh and say I was weird.  I am and apparently INTJs are considered the weirdest out of all types.  I guess I have to hide who I am in the future.

It's been a decent year.  My relations with my roommates is now considered warm.  Spencer and Cary has warmed up to me despite some bumps along the way, and Nathan and Jeffery says hi every time I see them.  A definite improvement since the beginning of the year.

In regards to the thing with Julie, the whole thing's been shelved and archived, and I'll "mask" myself from now on.  I'll try to be "normal".  I wish I listened to my inner intuition.

Addendum:  I have submitted my application for the MBA program at University of the Pacific.  I'll be sending the rest of my stuff after June 20th.  Doubt I'll get accepted.  Also my right foot is slightly misaligned, it hurts.

Note to self:  Be "normal", never reveal what you are unless you're genuinely close with them.  Always listen to intuition when it comes to relationships, always.

Almost There

Done with ochem final last night.  Damn thing was a nightmare.  Whatever, it's done and based on the amount of people remaining in the auditorium at the very end, I would say it was difficult for everyone.  Hope the average will be low.  Four days until journey's end and I have my programming final on Wednesday.  After that, I have two days off doing nothing.

I've been doing some mental house keeping lately.  One old memory keeps popping up.  On Halloween night, I went to price center to get a burger at burger king.  When I finished ordering, I moved to the waiting area at the right and there was this blonde girl in my way.  She stood there looking at me and I looked and moved around her, but didn't make eye contact.  She was wearing cat ears and high heels.  Really odd, can't shake the feeling that it was Julia.  She wore cat ears during the 2009 and 2010 halloween.  Bah, to have a near photographic memory and unanswered questions is annoying as hell.

Last week I sent a goodbye email to Christine wishing her a great summer, she responded yesterday cheerfully wishing me the same.  I have may have stumbled near the end of the marathon, but I managed to cross the finish line.  Nice way to end the quarter.

I had a slight conversation with one the custodial guys.  He asked me if I was graduating and he congratulated me.  Nice guy, still don't know his name though.  I didn't experience any negative physiological effects and my body language and facial expression was good.

On another note, I stumbled upon a post on reddit concerning employment.  Some guy wrote a year ago that  he graduated from UCSD with an econ degree and accounting minor with a 2.67 accounting GPA.  After 24 interviews, he became an internal auditor and got his CPA.  I currently have a 3.26 accounting GPA.  It's not the best, nor am I saying it's better than the 2.67 and I'll immediately get the job I want, but it does give me hope about my own future.

Note to self:  Don't boast.

Future Objectives, Miscellaneous Videos

Two days until my ochem final, thing's gonna be a nightmare.  Still gotta push forward.  I don't know what to do with my life.  Right now I have a bunch of paths I can take but I don't know which one to go on.

I currently or will:
      Plan of Action                                                                 Updated 1/22/2015

• Apply into a MBA program.                                         Succeeded and accepted
• Apply to pharmacy school.                                           No go
• Apply to get a master's in accounting.                          Succeeded and accepted
• Apply to get a master's in computer science.                Succeeded and accepted
• Get a second bachelor's in computer science.               No go
• Get a job that eventually becomes a career.                  In Progress
• Become an accountant by passing the CPA exam.       In Progress

I don't know what to do with my life.

I've been surfing the web and found some stuff.

Type 5:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKHAxnM3wuM

The initial description sounds like me.  Maybe me being INTJ is not holding me back socially, but it is rather my type 5 that is holding me back. Also, apparently my introversion went up back to 89%.  Whoopee!

I've also been listening to this lately:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0

I usually hate human vocals, but this song is just... different.  I guess I'm still depressed about Julie.

For Ben

This post is for Ben, my roommate during my first year here at UCSD, who found my blog at the beginning of summer.

Ben, I don't know if you still read my blog, but I want to say that I'm sorry for being angry at you.  My anger was misdirected.  Bobby was spewing his bs everywhere to anyone who would listen in order to protect his own sorry ass.  You, Ralph and a bunch of others believed his crap because he was more sociable and more outgoing, and looking back now, I can understand why you were annoyed by me with my constant request for help and all.

When we were still living together, you drank and got high on a daily basis.  You're depressed and you're trying to escape from reality.  I don't know if you're like that now, but if you are, you need to see a psychologist to get out of that downward spiral.  Depression will eat away at you.

You once said that your parents hate you, trust me, they don't.  I know and met people whose parents' genuinely don't like them and pretty much neglect them.  Your parents aren't like that.  Remember when you and Ian were fighting?  Your family came down to see you, they do care.

A long time ago when we went to play pool, you said that you would be proud to have me as a brother.  For what it's worth, that meant something to me.  If you read this someday, take care of yourself.

Social Anxiety Fixed?

Social interactions in the last several days have been... good.  Very good.  I've been more willing to say hello to others and I don't freak out when I see someone I know.  Yesterday, when I went out of the front door and turned my head to my right, I saw one of the custodian guys and said hi to him.  Black dude, don't know his name.  We did the standard, "hi how are you doing" thing and parted ways.  Also said hi to another custoidial staff.  No negative physiological responses.  Good.

Bumped into Darvarsh again at Price Center, waved and parted ways.  No negative physiological responses again.  Good.

Interaction with girl at front desk of the village was very good.  Smiled and laughed when appropriate.  Eye contact time was optimal, body language was decent and no nervousness.  Good.

Seems like things are progressing nicely.  Though I worry that the reason I've been so good at recent social interaction is due to being comfortable in my surroundings at UCSD, I believe I have made substantial progress.  Nonetheless, I have to be careful about regressing and need to keep pushing forward.

Update:  Social anxiety is dissipating, but intj vibe is still there.  I went to the Price Center post office and asked the guy there some questions.  The guy could barely keep eye contact with me.  Situation with Christine deteriorated fast.  She came into class said hi to me and I looked up and smile.  She stood there looking at me through the corner of her eye.  Did the looking up thing again.  Screwed up at the last second.  This whole quarter, interactions with Christine was peachy, up until today.  Like running a marathon and breaking your leg in the last 50 feet.  I hate myself.

Addendum:  Mental records indicate that my eyes kept narrowing when talking to Christine.  I don't know why I did that.  Could explain why she was so quick to answer me when I talked to her.  Stupid.  So much for being in the green.

Note to self: Wave hand when saying hi, even when sitting down.  Say hi only after eye contact is made.

Trickle, Flow, Flood

Last week before finals week.  Two weeks before graduation.  Nothing much to write about really, before I wrote that I was depressed and couldn't get anything done, but I managed to finish my programming assignment within 3 hours after starting it, several days before it's due.  Strangely it was quite comforting, staring at a computer screen, trying to analyze and solve a problem.  Sigh, should've majored in computer science.

On another note, more results have been generated from the Julie incident.  It seems as though I bottle up my emotions and later release it all in one go.  Like a slowly bursting dam, it starts out as a small trickle then releases everything at once, whether it be anger or affection.  My emotions should be like a stream, constantly flowing, not too weak and not too strong.  Should regulate it.

One minor note I want to add.  During my group presentation for my literature class, when my group and I were in front giving our presentation and had everyone do the activity we gave them, I turned towards Christine and asked her a question.  She answered it and I turned away.  I look back at her and we both make eye contact.  We looked at each other over Jocelyn's head and maintained unblinking eye contact for 7 seconds.  7 whole seconds unblinking, far above the average 2 seconds with any other person.  She breaks eye contact by looking down to the right.  Odd.  Wish I could investigate further.  Whatever it was, it was great working with her.  Goodbye Christine, it was a pleasure meeting and working with you.

Note to self:  Regulate emotions so that it flows smoothly and consistently.

I'm Depressed

Several weeks ago, I wrote how I went into depression when I lost Katherine and Rosalyn before, and how I felt nothing about Julie.  I was wrong.  I'm depressed, and it's slowly been taking hold in the last few days.  I can barely push myself to get any work done.

I can't do this anymore, I honestly don't see the point.  Why should I keep walking when there's no end in sight?  Give me a sign, anything.

Addendum:  I just came to another result from the Julie incident.  I'm clingy.  Don't understand why though.  Seems like my Thinking side switches to Feeling when heavy emotions are involved.

Note to self:  Don't be whiny.  Don't be clingy.  Modify response wait to two weeks.  After one week, terminate relations.

Meeting New People and Unknown Variables

I've been thinking about the future and how I'm going to meet new people in the future.  The playing pool in the Village Lounge and watching tv in the laundry room was a good start, but what happens after campus life?  That's the question I'm facing.  Normally, people meet new people in bars, clubs, etc., places which I call the "human watering hole".  The thing is, those places aren't for me.  I prefer quiet places, places where I can think, places of solitude.  The exact opposite of where to meet new people.  Honestly, I have no answer for this.

Thinking of meeting new people, Anni Ma popped back into my head.  Two months ago, she was with a bunch of her friends filming in front of the Village East Tower.  When I was walking back to the door, she was between me and the door, she sees me about thirty feet away.  She keeps on talking to her friends, but she keeps looking down at the ground and back up at me over and over again.  I walked past her without saying anything.  When I first met her, I thought she only wanted me to vote for her on facebook.  But her behavior in the few times I met her implies other things.  Damn, should have said hi.  Another lost connection.

Update:  Bumped into Darvarsh several times today.  Interactions with him were above average.  No negative physiological responses and I didn't stutter or mumble.  He congratulated me on graduating and we shook hands.  Nice guy, I'll miss him.

I keep writing off new people I meet as unknown variables, something to be avoided.  Shouldn't do that.

Note to self:  Don't immediately write off new people.

[Redacted]

Just went through my old blog posts and decided to wipe, edit or out right delete some of them.  This blog was suppose to let me write down my inner thoughts, random musings and view of events around campus, but it's slowly becoming more and more of a liability for me.  Sigh, looking through some of my old posts, I can see how Julie misinterpreted them.  Should have cleaned it up before I sent her the link.  Wish I hadn't sent her the link.

I also came across these:
http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2010/12/reading-people.html

http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-lose-girl-in-10-months.html

Haha, great.  Note to selfs I wrote in the past and I violated them, and the results were not good.  Not only that, I actually have predicted when I would lose a girl.  Lost Julie at OVT in middle of July, and now lost her again near in the middle of May, calculated by wolframalpha to be almost exactly 10 months.   What has happened before will happen again.  Great.

I had a lot going on in my mind yesterday and my INTJ vibe kicked in full swing.  One of the cashier's at the village market did the hand wipe thing on the counter after she handed my card back.  That shit again.  Thankfully, I loosened up today and smiled a lot more when I went to Cafe V. and my interactions there with the staff was good.  I also saw a couple of people hanging up a "Welcome alumni of 1992" banner.  Man, 1992, ten years passed fast.  I saw a man, his wife, a woman and a bunch of kids running around.  I hope to be a husband and a father someday.  Someday.  Hopefully.

OChem 140C Part II

Got my second ochem midterm back last night.  As predicted, the test was difficult for everyone resulting in an average of 52.  My score was 45 which I considered to be somewhat acceptable.  Professor Albazati said that if you're combined score for both midterms is 105 to 110 and above, you still have a decent shot at an A, if you do really well on the final.  My combined score is 114, which is 3 points below the combined average.  I doubt I'll get an A, so I'm gunning for a B at least.

I experienced trembling while waiting for my midterm to be handed back.  Must have been the adrenaline kicking in.

I also dropped my Math 20C class.  Don't know what to do with my life.

One Wrong Turn

Reading through my blog made me look back on my entire life.  It's been nothing but one kick to the teeth after another.  I doubt many others can do this, but I managed to pinpoint the exact moment my life went to hell.

Near the end of my time at Garfield Elementary school, I found out all of my friends were going to Francisco Middle School, while I was the only one going to Presidio.  I was devastated and depressed.

After that, everything's been slowly going to hell ever since.  Bullied when in Presidio, even by teachers.  Loss all my confidence by the time I graduated.  Lost Rosalyn at George Washington due to ill-timed acne.  Even though she didn't have any issues with it, her shitty cunt of a friend Adena dragged her away.  Suffered from some intestinal disease that made me "leak gas", making everyday a living nightmare where even my teachers started to make fun of me.  Went to CCSF instead of SFSU or the lower UCs like my friends did.  Lost all my friends again and spent the next two years in social isolation.  Met Katherine, fell in love, but was too withdrawn to tell her I felt the same way.  Wanted to go to SFSU like she wanted me to, but forced to go to UCSD.  Met a bunch of girls with Julia and Julie in particular.  Julie says stupid shit, and I hold a grudge against her.  Tried to ask Julia out, but fucked it up and now she hates my guts.  Had another chance with Julie at OVT, but thought I imagined her when she yelled, "Hey wanna get some ice cream?!".  Almost got Julie out of my mind only for her to pop back up. Finally admits feelings for her, sent her the link to my blog, she completely misinterprets it, freaks out, and here we are.  WOOT WOOT!

It's been one kick to the balls after another, all because of that one single decision to go to Presidio rather than Francisco with my elementary friends.  I found and friended my elementary school friends, Ruby and Andrew, about a year ago on Facebook and most of them still talk and hang out.  Hell, they even work together.  It's nice to know I keep getting screwed up the ass every single time.

So what does the universe have in store for me next?

Can't I just be a normal person?  If not, can't I just be put out of my misery.

My Profile, Enneagram

In my last post, I wrote how I can easily observe and profile others.  When I look at them, I see a small mice inside a maze, searching for a path towards the cheese at the end.  They don't know where they're going, but I already know what they're going to do.  The ironic thing is that I'm also a mice in a maze, and I have no idea which path to take.  It's a lot easier be an external observer than the person doing the rat race.  I had hoped my time spent with Dr. Poizner would offer some insight on what I am and what path I should take.  While he was very helpful, the insight he offered were things I already discovered on my own.  It's odd to wake up everyday and look in the mirror, and not understand the person looking back at you.

As ridiculous as this sounds, I actually read through my entire blog again, trying to create a psych profile of myself from an objective point of view.  Can't really create a profile of someone if you're prone to bias.  Anyway, here it is:

• Mild narcissism
• Fearful/paranoid of the world and people
• Inability to form emotional bonds with others beyond the superficial level
• Lonely, with a desire for companionship
• Strong complex emotions, yet unable to express it
• Passive, takes on a secondary role within group oriented tasks
• Indecisive when confronted with major decisions

There are probably more stuff, but without external observation, I can't get an accurate picture.

I also took enneagram test on similarminds.com and got the results below.  I took it before and I got the same type 5 but the variant was different than the one I got now.  I got a survival one rather than a social one I believe.

The Human Puzzle

I woke up today at 4 a.m in the morning.  I didn't even realize I fell asleep last night, all I remember was lying in bed, replaying that scene where Julie was in her boyfriend's car, looking up at me, and driving away in my head over and over again.  I'm not upset at losing her anymore because honestly, what could I have done in one and a half months?  It's not like she and I were going to magically fall for each other or some crap in such a short time.  If it was back during that day at OVT, I would've had a chance, but one and a half months?  Not so much.  No such thing as fairy tale endings in the real world.

For the last week or so, I assumed that the reason she broke contact with me was because she thought I was mentally ill, even though I'm not, because of how many times I wrote about my time spent with Dr. Poizner.  But reading back through my blog, it could have been other reasons.  In my earlier posts, I come off as a narcissistic douche.  She might have been turned off by that.  She might have thought I was obsessed with her because of how many times I referenced her.  I wasn't, she was like a literary plot device that helped my "character development", helping me understand who and what I am.  There is one other reason, she might have freaked out how I can psychologically profile her and analyze her behavior.

Throughout the years, I've become better and better at reading people.  To me, people became a puzzle, a maze, something objectified to be studied and understood.  I can break people down into small fragments of data, analyze it, create a psychological profile and use it to predict what they're going to do or say before they do it.  I have freaked out people in the past by doing that.  When I was living with Bobby, I managed to deduce what his childhood was like after living with him for only two weeks, and when I told him, he was pretty defensive about it for a week.  My psychological war against Bobby, Alex, and Ben was highly successful because of the profiles I created for them.  They were fearful and it was hilarious for me, but for someone like Julie to find out that I can know and predict what they're thinking, it can be frightening.  I screwed up.

I shouldn't have analyzed her, I shouldn't have objectified her as some puzzle, I shouldn't have shown her this blog.  Goodbye Julie, I wish you the best.

Update:  Finally did the presentation for my literature class today.  Went off without a hitch.  I did not experience any nervousness or any other physiological effects of being in front of a crowd.

Note to self:  People have feelings, don't objectify them.

Spooking and Annoying Others, Competence

Two years in and I still spook people every now and then.  Several days ago, I went to BestBuy to return the Playbook and I had to psych myself up with interacting with some the folks there.  The last few times I went there was not great.  My performance this time was adequate.  No stuttering, my responses to their questions were clear and my body language wasn't tense.  Everything was going swell until the end.  As I was leaving the store, the yellow shirted "loss prevention" guy said, "Have a nice day".  I turned my head towards him and said, "you too".  I noticed that he immediately broke eye contact and dipped his head down.  The guy was at least 6' 3", he shouldn't be intimidated by my 5'8" stature.

Why are people so afraid?  I don't understand.  A simple glance from me has stopped people in their tracks.  Even when I'm not looking at someone, merely in their general direction, they would stop and freeze up.  I used to think that it was the INTJ stare/vibe that was causing it, but I managed to slowly soften it over the last two years.  It seems as though I'm not the only INTJ who have noticed that people are afraid of them:

http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=67340

I'll modify my facial expression further to see if there is a change in results.

On another note, I'm beginning to question my own competence.  I try to be the best in everything I do, but recent events had me questioning how competent I actually am.  During this whole group project thing with Christine and Jocelyn, I screwed up several times and I could tell Christine was annoyed by it.  Also, I just bombed my programming quiz a hour ago.  Awesome stuff.

Update:  Screwed up again.  I fell asleep and missed the meeting time I was suppose to meet up with Christine and Jocelyn by several minutes.  Fuck my life.  It's official, I'm an incompetent imbecile.

Note to self:  Widen eyes and lift eyebrows before turning head towards people.  Don't be overconfident in your abilities.

They Must Be Having A Good Laugh

The fates must be having a good laugh lately at my expense.  Last night, I was trying to get some fresh air so I opened up my window and stuck my head out, and literally a second later Julie was in the passenger seat of her boyfriend's car driving pass right below my window.  LOLWUT?  She looks up at me and I look down at her and off they went into the night.  I didn't experience any emotions, no jealousy or anything, but still, gah.  Why?! Whoever's up there, hope you enjoyed that laugh.

In other news, China and Japan is setting up direct currency to currency exchange cutting out the U.S. dollar as a medium of exchange.  This means that the Chinese yuan will have increased demand while the U.S. dollar will experience a decrease in demand, resulting in a small amount of appreciation for the yuan and depreciation for the dollar.  This is also after a direct link made between China and India, and China and Iran.  Normally, I'd be happy since I have a couple of stuff in Chinese yuan, but a month ago, due to economic slow down, the Chinese central bank lowered the reserve requirement to encourage lending.  This lead to the increase of yuan on the market, and a slight depreciation which resulted in nearly every gain I made in the last year being wiped out...

Shit's great.

The Katherine Equation

I needed to write that post about Julie to get it out of my system.  Acknowledging my own screw ups with Julie have made me look back again with my time with Katherine.

It's been three years since I was with Katherine.  I've gotten over her a long time ago, but the questions I've asked myself since then still remains.  Why was I so outgoing, energetic, and talkative around her?  Why was my personality back then, at the time, in total contrast with my personality now?  The answer to these questions, this equation, still eludes me.  I tried to analyze it a long time ago and came up with nothing.  I took into account variables such as time of day, environment, the clothes we wore, the activities we did etc. etc., but still no definitive answer.

I've gone through mental records, time and time again, analyzing my own behavior and hers trying to determine how she and I became so close.  Could be the personality aspect.  She and I were hyper long term driven people, who had graduate school and professional development in mind, and when it came to relationships, marriage.  Even though we were mature in our mindset, we both had a childish sense of humor.  I still remember so many times where I made her laugh by acting like a stupid, hyperactive five year old.  I miss those days...

But the question is WHY did I act like a hyperactive five year old.  I'm a very reserved person when in public but very outgoing around people I'm familiar with.  Is that it?  Was I somehow familiar with her in a subconscious way?  A long time ago in another analysis, I wrote that I might have thought of her as a little sister that I never had.  That's crazy though, that would mean incest.  No, that can't be it.  One time I actually outright hit on her saying, "Aw, you're so cute when you're angry."  She blushed and turned her head.  Never have I been so bold before or since.  Even more amazing is that I flirted with her in a professional environment.  Normally, I would never do that.  Could it be because none of the other nurses were around that made me so comfortable around her?  Another piece of data showed that I psyched myself up on meeting people before I met her, maybe that's why.  That doesn't really explain though.  There was another girl, Linda La, who was attracted to me.  Though I found her to be attractive, I didn't feel the same way about her the same way I felt for Katherine.  Linda La was actually getting in Katherine's face and was almost ready to claw her eyes out, yet I swear Katherine was unaware of Linda's hostility.  It was like Katherine was as emotionally retarded as I was.  Could that be the personality aspect that I was looking for?

 I also remember that I didn't think much at the time.  All I thought about was having fun, being with her and making her laugh.  Unfortunately, it all fell apart in the end.  When she told me she was in love with me, all these thoughts about the future came flooding in.  I was overwhelmed and became withdrawn and analytical.  When I saw her again at CCSF, I said things which sounded right in my head, but came off like a jerk from her perspective.  Ironic isn't it?  Thinking about the future only to screw up in the present.  The other INTJs were right, don't overthink things.  This could be one of the answers.

I think I found the necessary variables.  Mutual attraction, not overthinking things, mutual respect and empathy, matching personalities which are either complementary or supplementary, and constant exposure.  Great, so I need to find a hyper driven, emotionally stunted women who has a childish sense of humor and is as attracted to me as I am to her.  ...This shit looks more and more hopeless by the second.

A long time ago, I typed Katherine as an INTJ.  She's not.  Further review has her more of an ENTJ.  She's probably a nurse now with a RN license, maybe she's even applying to grad school to become an anesthesiologist like she wanted.  Where ever you are Kitty Kat, I wish you the best.

Note to self:  When it comes to relationships, both romantic and platonic, don't overthink things, concentrate on having fun.  Respect and be empathetic to each other.  One thing will lead to another.

Subject: Julie Tu

In the last few posts, I kept referring to Julie as "subject" like a research subject.  I've been desperately trying to dehumanize her, seeing her as an experiment, a lab rat to be poked and prodded.  I've been trying to stay emotionally detached from her for the last week, but I can't do it anymore.  I screwed up and I finally lost her.  It hurts.

After three weeks of no response and four weeks where she and I stood still and stared at each other for five seconds outside the RIMAC, she finally responded.  She told me to forget about her, to stop messaging her, to move on.  She tried to play the "I always thought of you as a friend" angle.  Fucking load of shit.  She knows it, I know it, but I played along anyway.  I broke down and cried for a hour afterwards.

I thought about messaging her one last time under the pretense of answering her question, "I don't know where these theories about me in your head come from", explaining to her that I study human body language and that I specialize in behavioral analysis.  Adding that the only reason I was visiting a psychologist was to deal with my social anxiety, not because I was insane.  I actually insisted that I be tested for mental illness and despite what some of my previous blog posts imply, my psychologist actually found zero signs of mental illness.  It's the truth, but she won't believe it.  My blog was the only new variable thrown into the equation that was between me and her.  I screwed up, again, I shouldn't have shown her this blog.

I guess this is the lesson that needs to be learned.  To feel is to experience the core components of emotion; pain, suffering, sadness, heartache.  To feel is good, but alongside the good are the bad parts.  They come hand in hand.  So many people take for granted in understanding knowing what to feel and what to do.  For an INTJ or at least for me, feeling emotions is as foreign as any exotic language.  I don't know what to feel, even right now, as I write this post, I can't stop crying.

I'm not going to message her again.  I've been given chances time and time again to win her back.  I had more opportunities than I can count, but I squandered all of it.  The Almighty himself could have came down and slapped me across the face and I wouldn't have known what to do.  I had chances to get her back, but I slowly drove her into the arms of another guy.

Julie wasn't a test subject, she wasn't lab rat, she wasn't an experiment, she wasn't even an ENFP, she's a person, and though I never showed it, she was a person I cared about.

Note to self:  Move on.

Let There Be Light

Power's back on after a night of darkness.  Should have taken some photos.  UCSD looks lot different when there's no light on at all and the night sky looked amazing.  There were clouds obscuring most of the view but every now and then I can get a glimpse of the stars above.  The stars sparkled brighter than they did on any night before.

I had nothing to do yesterday with the internet being down, so I went to bestbuy and bought the blackberry playbook.  Nifty little gadget.  I've been using it as a makeshift camera, taking pictures of various places across campus.  I'll be returning it once I'm done.

Last night with the power outage, I spent about an hour looking for an outlet and wifi.  I finally found it across the street and the cafe near the Sanford Consortium.  I met a guy there, never got his name, and we did our own thing.  The security guard at the Sanford Consortium invited us inside so we didn't have to freeze our asses off.  Once inside and I was surfing reddit, the other guy said that website is crack and he was quitting it several times.  I responded with, "yeah, it's got everything", but I could only mumble it.  I smiled at him and we both went back to doing our respective stuff.  Sigh, every now and then, I would regress and turn into social retard.  Doesn't matter, what's passed has passed.  On the bright side, some guy said morning to me when I was out near the RIMAC this morning.  I responded adequately.  At least I didn't stare at him like an idiot.

Note to self:  Make sure both starting and ending syllables of responses are both equally loud enough.

OChem 140C

Just finished my second ochem midterm.  Jesus Christ, might as well shoot myself.  I don't know why I keep continuing to do this despite the fact that I'll probably won't get accepted into a pharmacy school.  Whatever, second midterm is done and I got above average on the first one so hopefully it balances out.  The amount of people still there at the end indicates that I wasn't alone in thinking the test was difficult.  Hopefully the average will be low.

One thing did stand out though.  When I was turning in my test after lining up, I handed my exam to the professor and he said, "I don't recognize you."  I thought he was joking since I talked to him before.  I smiled and he said never mind.  Odd.  Strange question to ask when I'm merely a face in a sea of faces.  Maybe he's trying to get to know me and remember me.

Addendum:  Power went out all across campus, been out for the last 10 hours.  I found a spot across the street that has power and Wifi.  Funny, just two days ago I told my friend Wendy about the San Diego black out that happened last year then this happens.  Just had to say it, didn't I.

Christine

Not much happening today aside from my math midterm.  Probably bombed it.

What currently fascinates me is Christine.  It's odd, I swear she's warmed up to me far faster than anyone in the past, aside from romantic interests.  Even though we're group mates, her behavior differs from any other group member or acquaintance I had in the past.  She sits next to me every class.  Next to me as in the seat right next to me.  Though it may seem mundane, human beings tend to distance themselves from each other unless they're familiar with each other.  For example, on a bus, plane or even in a class room, people prefer to distance themselves at least one seat apart.  They would fill up every other seat and will not sit next to a person unless they want or have to.  That's what makes Christine's behavior so interesting.  Does she warm up to people fast?  There's plenty of other seats in class, yet she always sit next to me.  Why?  There are other people in class who knows her by name and could sit next to another girl like Jocelyn.  Why not sit next to them?  Usually I don't think much of one single observation, but during our first group meeting, she and I were the first ones to arrive and she stood side by side next to me in the shade even though there's shade right across from me.  People, especially women, prefer to be across from someone they're not familiar with, not next to.  When I'm looking in her general direction, not directly at her, she would look at me to see if I'm looking at her.  I'm probably reading too much into it, but interesting observations to contemplate nonetheless.

My personal body language around her has been adequate but somewhat lacking.  When she says something, I keep looking at her out of the corner of my eye when she's next to me.  Today, she said something and I couldn't hear her so I looked at her out of the corner of my eye and leaned in, she already turned away when I did that.  Fortunately, I compensated for it by making an "empathetic comment", making her smile.  I need to watch my own body language around Christine.  I may have only one month left, but I want my last month here to be in the green.

On an another observation, I noticed that when Christine took out her little journal/calendar thing, she wrote jiejie's baby shower on one of the dates.  Odd, jiejie is Chinese for older sister, yet she has a Vietnamese last name.  Older sister in Viet is completely different.  She's Chinese-Vietnamese maybe?

On another note, Wendy re-established contact with me.  I'm happy that she did.  I thought I made her upset a long time ago.  It's good to hear from her again.

Note to self:  Watch body language around Christine.  Smile more, don't look at her out of the corner of your eye.

Jed, Tang, Bailey

I bumped into Professor Jed yesterday while walking back to my dorm.  I wasn't nervous but I found it unnerving that she recognized me outside the classroom.  We talked a bit and parted ways.  I wasn't nervous.  Good.  I suppose I'm making progress.

I also bumped into Professor Tang yesterday.  I went to the economics building to speak with a counselor and I was checking out the pictures of all the professors.  I noticed someone coming towards me on my right.  I turned and saw Professor Tang.  She was smiling I think, not really clear.  I leaped up a little and immediately turned back towards the pictures.  Still have a slight crush on her despite suppressing it a while back.

Finally, I bumped into Dean Bailey later on when she came out of the building.  Unlike last time, there was no nervousness, heart rate change or sweating despite the fact that she came out of nowhere.

Progress is being made.

Note to self:  Always, always listen to intuition

Economic Situation

Economic data from around the world is getting scarier and scarier.  Spain, Greece, and Italy are going down the tubes and rioting is happening all over the place.  Extremist groups such as Greece's Golden Dawn are slowly making political gains and are advocating the expulsion of "non-Aryan" Greeks.  Not surprising really.  I've been tracking the movement of extremist groups since this global crisis started, knowing that poor economic conditions often push desperate people towards desperate solutions.  In Hungary, the Jobbik party is gaining strength, and we're seeing the same thing in France with Le Pen's and the same in Germany.

Pro-nationalist parties are gaining strength everywhere in Europe and people are starting to look out for themselves.  The new French president and German voters are looking out for themselves as they as choose the position of anti-austerity and pro-growth at the expense of the rest of Europe.  The European Union might actually fracture as the possibility of a Greek exit or "Grexit" might actually happen.

Iceland, the poster child of the anti-bailout way of thought, is considering using the Canadian loony in place of its own currency.  Does that sound like they're doing okay?  What stable and prosperous nation would hand over its monetary policy to another government?  All those people parading Iceland around as the anti-bailout solution don't know that Iceland is practically self-sufficient in nearly every industry, with the exception being oil, which they have to import.  No other nation could have pulled off what Iceland did and continue.

The Far East isn't doing any better.  China's growth is slowly winding down to around 5%.  Still a lot relative to other countries but not fast enough to keep unemployment down.  South Korea is slowing down too and Japan jumped to 4% growth, but that is only due to tsunami damage repair.  Australia's continued growth is reliant on China's growth by exporting minerals.  If China slows, Australia slows.

Here, in the home front, things are getting even worse.  Possible $1 trillion student loan bubble about to pop.  Unemployment rate for new college grads are still bad, apparently people with econ degrees have an unemployment rate of 9.4%.  Fuck my life.  Housing is still in a slump and hiring is still down.  Right now the Canadians are rioting due to rising tuition costs.  Morons were going gaga over Facebook's public offering on the stock market...until it dropped by 10 to 15% on the second day.  There is glimmer of hope however. Several days ago SpaceX launched the Falcon 9, marking a new era in spaceflight.  It's good to know that in the middle of the darkness we're experiencing, somebody, somewhere is looking and creating a brighter future.

Schrodinger's Anxiety and Package

Talked to two of my professors today in regards to getting a letter of recommendation for graduate school.  They both said yes!  Awesome!  Next year I'll be applying to grad school.  When I was talking to them, I was nervous and not nervous at the same time.  Physiology wise, my body was calm with no change in heart beat rate and I did not mumble or stumble.  Good.  However, during my meeting with the first professor, when I said goodbye I was looking down.  He might have wanted to shake my hand but I didn't see it.  Shit, hope that doesn't affect anything.  Things went extremely well with the second professor, however, I saw him later and I stared at him.  Why the hell would I do that?  Don't creep him out.  Damn, stupid ass brain.

I finally sent home my box of stuff.  Apparently it weighed 70 pounds, yet when I lifted it, it felt like was only 30.  Odd.  Then again the post office scales could be off calibrated.  Even the guy there found it odd that the box on another scale is around 50 pounds.  Or maybe I'm just getting stronger.

On another note, "subject" was spotted driving her "boyfriend's" car.  She's driving in constant loops around the village, she's learning how to drive.  New assumption added to "subject's" psychological profile.

Note to self:  When saying good bye to someone, take note of what they do before leaving.  Don't rush a conversation.

Those Who Were From The Beginning

Looking back at the last three years at UCSD and the last two years of this little project/experiment, I realized that I never mentioned some of the people who inspired me to start it.  The two people who inspired me to start it was Mary and Rosa.

Mary is the old lady who works at Burger King in Price Center.  She's nice and would often have conversations with people who are ordering, including me.  Before I started this experiment, there was one time I was ordering and she asked how I was doing.  I immediately made my order and she got pissed off and said, "you sure can".  I realized that my action was unacceptable and modified my behavior to be more "sociable".

Rosa is an older Hispanic woman who works at the village market.  I remember her first working at Cafe V. as a cashier and transferred over to the market during the summer of 2010.  In the beginning I would smile at her when she handed me my change.  Unfortunately, my smile would be coupled alongside my INTJ stare/vibe.  She thought I was angry at her at would often wipe her hand on the table after handing me back my change, signaling her displeasure.  At first, I thought that she was just mean to me, but over time I realized that it was my fault and body language that was making her react that way.  Over time, I modified my behavior and she now no longer wipes her hand on the table and we both smile at each other.

Though I only thought about modifying my behavior after my first year at UCSD, Mary and Rosa were the catalyst that made it a reality.  Mary, Rosa, though you may not know it, thank you.

Julia Redux, House Finale

Just finished watching the House finale.  House was lying in a burning warehouse, arguing against various aspects of his own subconscious whether to live or die.  At one point, his subconscious manifests as Cameron and tries to convince him to die, telling him that he blew all his chances and that he's selfish, arrogant and cares only about himself.

Sounds familiar.

I wrote a post a long time ago about how I was like House before there was House, and how I was suicidal.  Someday I'll be making the same decision whether to get up and keep going or simply lie down and let go.  I doubt I'll have a Wilson by my side, I doubt any will cherish the time I spent with them.

On another note, I saw Julia at the market today.  She walked past me and I turned to look at her and she with me.  Her eyes went wide open and did the whole deer in the headlights thing.  I have to admit I did the same thing.  Despite my emotional suppression, the moment I saw her, I leaped up a bit and my eyes widened.  Residual emotions from her?  Perhaps just conditioned response.  Whatever it is, it's too late now.  One month to go.  Whenever you're graduating Julia, good luck.

Pony Up The Cash

Fucking great, my assistant dean responded to my email about the hole in the wall and everyone has to pay a portion of the repair cost.  What the fuck?!  Cary bringing over his stupid, idiotic friends.  Fucking retards.  I was lamenting about graduating but if I had to deal with this type of shit any longer then I'm glad I'm getting the fuck out.  Seriously, fuck this shit.

Update:  Some girl came by, a friend of Jeff or Spencer, to see them.  They weren't here and I told her about the hole in the wall.  She started trying to fix the hole and offered some advice.  Eh, decent advice, but the girl was odd.  She has a blonde hairdo straight out of the 1950's and spoke with a weird voice.  Where the hell are my roommates finding these people?  Nonetheless, my behavior and conversational skills was adequate enough though I mumbled at some part.

Detailing An INTJ

Came across this when surfing the web:

http://www.systemsthinker.com/interests/mind/intj.shtml

Probably THE most detailed description of an intj I've ever come across.  Some of the descriptions match me flawlessly.  Saving it here for reading later.

Re-analysis And Tug Of War

Reanalyzed the final message from "subject" and she was pissed.  I really need to reevaluate the way I interact with people, right now it's lulzy, but can't be taken seriously.  My interaction with "subject" was like a tug of war that constantly messed with her emotions until she couldn't take it anymore and immediately terminated contact.  I also may have shot myself in the foot by showing her my blog.  I should have cleaned it up since so many posts could be misinterpreted.  Meh, majority of the objectives were accomplished and lots of data was gathered.  Still good.

Another thought just came to mind.  Something that happened when I was a little kid.  It involved the same emotional tug of war.  What could have caused it?  Was that event the first one that started this or was there something else before it?  I need to fix this, I need to correct this.

Update:  Nevermind about the whole SunGod thing going well, just discovered a four inch hole in the wall where the door stop should be.  Fucking hell.  Notified the assistant dean so that I won't have to pay for this shit.

Note to self:  Don't do the emotional tug of war with anyone, once a decision is made it's final.

Post SunGod

Yesterday was the SunGod Festival.  I wrote about SunGod last year and how it was living hell.  It wasn't like that this time.  There were some douche fucks who were partying in my apartment, but overall I was not disturbed and managed to sleep well at night.  Unlike the party several months ago, none of Cary's friends puked into any trash cans.  Everything went better than expected.

Fulfilling The Need Of The Subconscious

As I stated in my earlier post, I slept well last night.  Very well.  I haven't slept that well in a long time.  I guess it's because I finally fulfilled the need of my subconscious.  I desperately wanted to get away from "subject" while my subconscious desperately wanted to be with "subject".  I was in constant conflict with myself and my thinking was blurred.  However with the end of the sub-experiment and permanent termination of contact with "subject", my subconscious has now been finally subdued.  I no longer have any doubt nor indecisiveness in my decision making process.  I am now content and moving forward.

I believe the reason I referenced and mentioned "subject" so much is because she symbolized my own personal failings; my inability to make a final decisive choice and sticking with it, my inability to let go, my inability to become emotionally close to another person and forgiving them.  She represented the conflict within my own subconsciousness.  Did I genuinely like her?  Did I genuinely care for her?  Yes, I did, but that part died or at least should have died a long time ago.  The feelings I felt were merely a combination of remnant emotions and the conflict that resided within me.  Time to move on.

Physiology Progress

I'm losing weight fast.  Down to 204.8 pounds as of this morning.  Muscle growth, endurance, and speed has increased dramatically in the last few months without the use of supplements such as creatine.

• Maximum leg press still remains unknown, with high school record of 765 pounds 20 times remaining unbroken.  400 pounds at 40 consecutive times was completed with ease.
• Actual bench press remains unknown, however on the machines behind the bikes, I have done 250 pounds 5 times.
• Leg muscles have increased significantly and endurance has increased.  I can now peddle the bikes at level 8 and level 10 resistance up to 10 minutes and 7 minutes non-stop respectively.
• Abdominal muscles has increased moderately, resulting in stiffened abdomen and slight outline.
• Pectoral muscles unchanged asides from last year's increase from 200 pounds to 300 pounds pectoral press within three weeks.
• Grip strength remains unchanged
• Mile run time remains unchanged aside from last year's decrease from 9 minutes to 8 minutes.

Overall, upper body strength and leg strength has increased greatly since I first came to UCSD.

It seems like doing the stationary bike for 10 minutes at level 8 resistance and walking to class everyday is driving down my weight.  I'm currently concentrating on my biceps and losing weight.

I also slept well last night, a lot better than I did a year ago.

Results

This blog and the overall experiment associated with it is almost at an end, there's only one month remaining until I'm abandoning this blog.

With the sub-experiment ending this morning, the following results were achieved/experienced:

• Decisiveness and risk taking has increased significantly, where indecisive decision making has gone down from one year, to three months then down to several days.
• Emotional expression and willingness to do so has increased, including sadness, happiness, anger, jealousy and expressing "love".
• Willingness to let others into my life has been experienced.
• Straight forwardness, while not being blunt, has been determined the best course of future action and will be used.
• Action is determined to be having to be initiated on my part rather than waiting for the other party to initiate.
• Honesty policy will be modified and let out on a need to know basis, with honesty either from the beginning or not at all, but nothing so drastic to deviate from the chosen course of action.
• Decisions are final, don't dwell on it.

On a side note, psychological profile of "subject" has been expanded, with some previous assumptions verified.  The sub-experiment has been proven highly successful in helping me understand my own actions and what's needed to be done in the future.  I wish I can say the same thing for the progress of the overall experiment.  Sociability and agreeableness still remains low to moderate.  Smiling is now a more natural course of action and waving is becoming more and more natural.  Still a lot of work to be done.

I had an extensive conversation with Christine after class today and she was happy to talk to me.  Unfortunately, during class, when she would look at me, I would look back through the corner of my eye and she would immediately look forward again.  I thought I told myself to stop doing that.  Must fix it.

Closure

I finally got closure.  It feels like a thousand pounds have been lifted and I can move on.  All data concerning my own and the subject's responses have been compiled and will be analyzed later.  Experiment now complete.

Also, new policy in regards to honesty.  I either have to be honest and completely straight forward with someone from the get go or maintain the narrative I've set forth.  Suddenly switching from one to another results in bad things.

Being Direct and Getting What I Want

I wrote a post similar to this a long time ago, I think.  Before, I wrote that I need to be more active and less passive in pursuing something or someone.  I'm reiterating that lesson again.  I'm constantly hoping that they would respond after I write something that seems like me ending something.  If I want them to respond, I need to ask, I need to be direct and straight forward.

Note to self:  Be direct and straight forward when wanting someone to respond to you.

Saying Stuff I Know Nothing About

I'm saying stuff I know nothing about.  I've met with Christine and Jocelyn again for our presentation.  Everything was going smoothly but Christine asked where did I get the Tuesday after I said the only days remaining to present were this week and the next Tuesday.  Where did I get the next Tuesday?  It's like I'm talking for the sake of talking, without checking facts.  This is dangerous, I'm spouting off stuff I know nothing about and it could affect me in the future.  Must stop this.

Note to self:  Don't say anything without checking facts.

Off Putting, Misinterpretation, and Narrative

Again analyzing my message to Stephanie, I find myself wondering why my initial messages are so... off putting. It's like I can't turn off that know-it-all mode.  I need to look at my own messages from a third person point of view in order to understand how the other person would view my messages.

I'm still thinking about Julie and the message I sent her.  Even though she most likely don't want any to do with me after that night, I feel that she might have misinterpreted my message to her.  I also feel that she might think that I was lying to her.  My previous messages included apologizing to her, but never included the imagining part.  From my perspective, it's the truth, but from her perspective it seems like I was lying and constantly changing my story.  I screwed up.

Note to self:  Make sure the other person sees from the same perspective as you do, make sure there is no room for interpretation.

It's Starting To Sink In

It's starting to sink in.  I fucked up again with Julie.  I had two chances to talk to her and I fucked up.  I'm actually sobbing.  One and half month left to go.

Relationships, Baby Steps, Socializing, Slowly Going Insane

Throughout the years I have gone through many potential relationships, Julie being the latest one.  The upside of these experiences is the data I collected in regards to my own action might help immensely in the future.  I've learned the following:

• Don't wait to take action to be with someone or get something, time is of the essence.
• Don't freeze up, say what you have to say.
• Don't block emotions, they are a core component of a relationship.
• Forgiveness is key to healthy relationship, platonic wise and romantic wise.  Without it, the relationship is dead.
• Communications is key, don't bottle up emotions or thoughts.
• Take the initiative, don't wait for the other person to communicate first.
• If there's something important to say, say it in person face to face.

I've been aggregating these little details and have been applying it to every potential romantic interest.  When Julia and I were still dancing around the issue, I made the move to try to ask her out.  However, I failed with Julie that night several weeks ago, I should have said something.  Despite the failure, these are small baby steps towards something greater.

Christine, my group mate, sat next to me today, surprisingly.  We talked a bit before class began and we talked about our midterms for other classes.  She said she had a biochem midterm on Thursday, it was a big one.  My response was "oh, wow".  Facepalm. Seriously?  That's the best I could come up with?  Ugh, one and half months left at UCSD and I'm still a bumbling idiot.

Also, I think I'm actually slowly going insane.  I find myself constantly repeating no to prevent my head from "exploding".  I constantly feel like something is "possessing" me, inside me.  I just can't shake it.  

Mentally Fraying, Body Falling Apart

I'm falling apart.  Both my mind and my body is slowly coming apart.  It's been getting harder and harder to concentrate.  Even more worrisome is the fact that some parts of my body aren't responding to commands from time to time.  Last quarter, my legs locked up and took a while to walk down the stairs.  There were several times where I couldn't get my hands to continue writing.  I'm broken and I don't know how to fix it.

Not Sure If Social Skills Degrading or Improving

Met up with project group members.  Damn thing was a nightmare, we kept coming up with ideas but none would seem right.  We finally decided on one and we're going to stick with it.  I didn't have any trouble maintaining eye contact and talking to the two very attractive girls.  I didn't act like a slobbering idiot but at times I had trouble saying what I was thinking.  I wasn't nervous and I actually made one of them laugh so I don't know if my social skills are getting better or getting worse.  It seems like I'm all over the place when it comes to socializing with people.  Progress is progress I guess.

Note to self:  Keep working on socializing with others, fix body posture.

Greg

My roommate Greg moved out early and went back home to be with his dad due to his father's heart condition. He was a great guy, always social, always willing to strike up a conversation and socialized with me even though the others seldom did.  I never got the chance to say goodbye, I hope his dad is doing well.

On another note, I had to coordinate with my group mates to meet up this weekend.  Two girls and one other guy.  The other guy isn't responding to emails.  Hate group projects, always some deadweight that never does anything.

I Am Disappoint

Got my midterms back, bombed the math one, and did slightly above average on the ochem one.  Disappointing.  Should have stuck with ochem last quarter, at least then I did well above average.

On another note, I swear one of the mp3 files on my changed.  I listen to it often and I swear over the last few days, the tone or pitch or something is different than before.  I must be imagining things.

Bluntness and Emotional Suppression

I've been re-analyzing my message to Stephanie.  Reading it from an objective point of view, I come off as a dick.  My message was suppose to be an explanation, but it came off as a little bit too assholish.  I'm too blunt and cold when it comes to conversations and text.  I'll need to work on that.

I've been thinking about Julie and I...don't feel...anything.  Perhaps it's because I've done this song and dance one too many times already or perhaps my emotional suppression conditioning is becoming more effective.  Whatever it is, I'm not feeling anything.  When I lost Katherine, I went into a deep depression for a year, same thing with Rosalyn.  But with Julie, it's just...nothing.  Perhaps it's because she and I never really bonded.  Whatever it is, she's gone, time to move on.

Thinking about Julie made me assess my "love life" during the last three years.  Nothing, no relationship, would have worked out.  Not with Julie, not with Julia, not with Yuri, Michelle, Anni, or any other girl who were interested in me.  I'm too concentrated on the future, and my future is not here in San Diego or Southern California for that matter.  When I first met Julie, for some reason I thought she would be a girl I could have a long term relationship with, even after college.  I realize now that she was looking for fun only, not the type looking to settle down.  I shouldn't let any woman distract me, I need to start a career first.

Note to self:  Work on communications, don't be so blunt and cold.

Not Deserving of Love

I'm not deserving of love.  Seriously, every fucking chance given to me, I always fuck it up.  Whatever.  Forever alone it is.

MRI and Nightmare

Just finished doing a MRI.  50 minutes and I got paid $40, awesome.  I wonder if they would send me a copy of the results.

On another note, I had a nightmare last night.  The first one in nearly a year.  For some reason I was dreaming of a woman tearing up a piece of paper that belonged to me and saying I'm kicked out or something.  I woke up sweating and realized that I was nearly crying.  That shook me up pretty badly.  I don't know what it was about, but it was bad.

She's Never Coming Back

I sent Julie a message through facebook asking if she and I can talk.  No response for one week and she immediately avoided eye contact when I saw her monday.  I sent her this:

I guess I should have said something that night last week. I was never good with words, even less so when it comes to talking face to face. I was so nervous, I froze up and didn't know what to say.

You wanna know what's the crappiest thing about this whole situation? Me walking away from you that day near OVT last summer wasn't intentional. Remember that message I sent congratulating you on graduating? I thought you had already graduated and moved away. When I saw and heard you that day near OVT, I thought I was imagining and hearing things so I kept on walking. I didn't even know you were still at UCSD until I was goofing off on facebook and stumbled onto your social psychology class's facebook page during the fall and saw your post. Great huh?

I wrote this on my crappy little blog three days before your supposed "graduation", there were also other posts.

http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2011/06/julie-tu-bunni3tu.html

I should have gotten over this a long time ago. Whenever you're graduating, congrats.


Final goodbyes.  So much for the possibility of being together.

Note to self:  Modify waiting for response to two weeks.