The Human Puzzle

I woke up today at 4 a.m in the morning.  I didn't even realize I fell asleep last night, all I remember was lying in bed, replaying that scene where Julie was in her boyfriend's car, looking up at me, and driving away in my head over and over again.  I'm not upset at losing her anymore because honestly, what could I have done in one and a half months?  It's not like she and I were going to magically fall for each other or some crap in such a short time.  If it was back during that day at OVT, I would've had a chance, but one and a half months?  Not so much.  No such thing as fairy tale endings in the real world.

For the last week or so, I assumed that the reason she broke contact with me was because she thought I was mentally ill, even though I'm not, because of how many times I wrote about my time spent with Dr. Poizner.  But reading back through my blog, it could have been other reasons.  In my earlier posts, I come off as a narcissistic douche.  She might have been turned off by that.  She might have thought I was obsessed with her because of how many times I referenced her.  I wasn't, she was like a literary plot device that helped my "character development", helping me understand who and what I am.  There is one other reason, she might have freaked out how I can psychologically profile her and analyze her behavior.

Throughout the years, I've become better and better at reading people.  To me, people became a puzzle, a maze, something objectified to be studied and understood.  I can break people down into small fragments of data, analyze it, create a psychological profile and use it to predict what they're going to do or say before they do it.  I have freaked out people in the past by doing that.  When I was living with Bobby, I managed to deduce what his childhood was like after living with him for only two weeks, and when I told him, he was pretty defensive about it for a week.  My psychological war against Bobby, Alex, and Ben was highly successful because of the profiles I created for them.  They were fearful and it was hilarious for me, but for someone like Julie to find out that I can know and predict what they're thinking, it can be frightening.  I screwed up.

I shouldn't have analyzed her, I shouldn't have objectified her as some puzzle, I shouldn't have shown her this blog.  Goodbye Julie, I wish you the best.

Update:  Finally did the presentation for my literature class today.  Went off without a hitch.  I did not experience any nervousness or any other physiological effects of being in front of a crowd.

Note to self:  People have feelings, don't objectify them.