Subject: Julie Tu

In the last few posts, I kept referring to Julie as "subject" like a research subject.  I've been desperately trying to dehumanize her, seeing her as an experiment, a lab rat to be poked and prodded.  I've been trying to stay emotionally detached from her for the last week, but I can't do it anymore.  I screwed up and I finally lost her.  It hurts.

After three weeks of no response and four weeks where she and I stood still and stared at each other for five seconds outside the RIMAC, she finally responded.  She told me to forget about her, to stop messaging her, to move on.  She tried to play the "I always thought of you as a friend" angle.  Fucking load of shit.  She knows it, I know it, but I played along anyway.  I broke down and cried for a hour afterwards.

I thought about messaging her one last time under the pretense of answering her question, "I don't know where these theories about me in your head come from", explaining to her that I study human body language and that I specialize in behavioral analysis.  Adding that the only reason I was visiting a psychologist was to deal with my social anxiety, not because I was insane.  I actually insisted that I be tested for mental illness and despite what some of my previous blog posts imply, my psychologist actually found zero signs of mental illness.  It's the truth, but she won't believe it.  My blog was the only new variable thrown into the equation that was between me and her.  I screwed up, again, I shouldn't have shown her this blog.

I guess this is the lesson that needs to be learned.  To feel is to experience the core components of emotion; pain, suffering, sadness, heartache.  To feel is good, but alongside the good are the bad parts.  They come hand in hand.  So many people take for granted in understanding knowing what to feel and what to do.  For an INTJ or at least for me, feeling emotions is as foreign as any exotic language.  I don't know what to feel, even right now, as I write this post, I can't stop crying.

I'm not going to message her again.  I've been given chances time and time again to win her back.  I had more opportunities than I can count, but I squandered all of it.  The Almighty himself could have came down and slapped me across the face and I wouldn't have known what to do.  I had chances to get her back, but I slowly drove her into the arms of another guy.

Julie wasn't a test subject, she wasn't lab rat, she wasn't an experiment, she wasn't even an ENFP, she's a person, and though I never showed it, she was a person I cared about.

Note to self:  Move on.