I needed to write that post about Julie to get it out of my system. Acknowledging my own screw ups with Julie have made me look back again with my time with Katherine.
It's been three years since I was with Katherine. I've gotten over her a long time ago, but the questions I've asked myself since then still remains. Why was I so outgoing, energetic, and talkative around her? Why was my personality back then, at the time, in total contrast with my personality now? The answer to these questions, this equation, still eludes me. I tried to analyze it a long time ago and came up with nothing. I took into account variables such as time of day, environment, the clothes we wore, the activities we did etc. etc., but still no definitive answer.
I've gone through mental records, time and time again, analyzing my own behavior and hers trying to determine how she and I became so close. Could be the personality aspect. She and I were hyper long term driven people, who had graduate school and professional development in mind, and when it came to relationships, marriage. Even though we were mature in our mindset, we both had a childish sense of humor. I still remember so many times where I made her laugh by acting like a stupid, hyperactive five year old. I miss those days...
But the question is WHY did I act like a hyperactive five year old. I'm a very reserved person when in public but very outgoing around people I'm familiar with. Is that it? Was I somehow familiar with her in a subconscious way? A long time ago in another analysis, I wrote that I might have thought of her as a little sister that I never had. That's crazy though, that would mean incest. No, that can't be it. One time I actually outright hit on her saying, "Aw, you're so cute when you're angry." She blushed and turned her head. Never have I been so bold before or since. Even more amazing is that I flirted with her in a professional environment. Normally, I would never do that. Could it be because none of the other nurses were around that made me so comfortable around her? Another piece of data showed that I psyched myself up on meeting people before I met her, maybe that's why. That doesn't really explain though. There was another girl, Linda La, who was attracted to me. Though I found her to be attractive, I didn't feel the same way about her the same way I felt for Katherine. Linda La was actually getting in Katherine's face and was almost ready to claw her eyes out, yet I swear Katherine was unaware of Linda's hostility. It was like Katherine was as emotionally retarded as I was. Could that be the personality aspect that I was looking for?
I also remember that I didn't think much at the time. All I thought about was having fun, being with her and making her laugh. Unfortunately, it all fell apart in the end. When she told me she was in love with me, all these thoughts about the future came flooding in. I was overwhelmed and became withdrawn and analytical. When I saw her again at CCSF, I said things which sounded right in my head, but came off like a jerk from her perspective. Ironic isn't it? Thinking about the future only to screw up in the present. The other INTJs were right, don't overthink things. This could be one of the answers.
I think I found the necessary variables. Mutual attraction, not overthinking things, mutual respect and empathy, matching personalities which are either complementary or supplementary, and constant exposure. Great, so I need to find a hyper driven, emotionally stunted women who has a childish sense of humor and is as attracted to me as I am to her. ...This shit looks more and more hopeless by the second.
A long time ago, I typed Katherine as an INTJ. She's not. Further review has her more of an ENTJ. She's probably a nurse now with a RN license, maybe she's even applying to grad school to become an anesthesiologist like she wanted. Where ever you are Kitty Kat, I wish you the best.
Note to self: When it comes to relationships, both romantic and platonic, don't overthink things, concentrate on having fun. Respect and be empathetic to each other. One thing will lead to another.
No comments:
Post a Comment