Serious man is serious, and steps of INTJ attraction

Horrible weekend, computer broke and I spent several hours fixing it.  Anyway, I think I managed to identify the steps of how an INTJ experiences attraction, a "crush" if you will.  Those steps are:

• Initial attraction
• See if "target" reciprocates interest
• Reconnaissance/Study/Gather information on "target"
• Analysis of information to determine long term relationship potential.
• Take action based upon analysis or take no action if analysis indicates negative scenarios

That's it, those are the steps of how an INTJ experiences attraction.  I managed to derive such steps not just based upon personal experience but from information gathered on forums on how other INTJs react when they experience attraction.  Right now, reconnaissance and analysis are the ones that take up the most time, causing the "target" to lose interest.  I'm going to try to reduce that time.

On another note, I was right about how negative thoughts could affect outward behavior.  I keep having doubtful and negative thoughts causing me to never smile.  I need to be less serious.

Note to self:  Reduce reconnaissance and analysis time and be less serious.

Inverted Personality and Relationships

I'm still pouring over old mental records and I've located something odd concerning my behavior.  When I'm attracted to someone, it seems as though I turn into a super feely-need-to-be-hugged-show-me-affection type of person.  I don't know why I do that, but I simply do.  When the person I'm attracted to doesn't show the level of affection I want, I become disappointed and start to lose interest even though I know they are still attracted to me.  It doesn't make any sense at all.  Why does my personality do a 180 when I could potentially enter a relationship?  Turning into a super feeler will only screw things up because I simply don't know how to act.  My mind is one crazy and mysterious thing

Escapism and Addiction

I've been spending the last week or so playing Mass Effect 2 on my PC.  It's a lot of fun, and it helps me relax.  It helps me escape from the mundane tasks of everyday life, but how much is too much though?  When I was younger, video games were my life, my escape from the world.  It helped me push aside and suppress the pain and loneliness I felt at school.  Video games were my chance to escape from the real world and pretend to be something different, something better.  I became addicted to it.  With only a couple of clicks, I could become anything I want.  I could be a Jedi knight slaughtering the Sith.  I could be a fighter pilot that can destroy an entire air force or I could be a space marine that will save the galaxy.  Anything I wanted to be, I could be.  These were merely distractions.  My addiction to video games helped me delay facing the problems I have in reality, and because of it, I'm underdeveloped emotionally, psychologically and socially.  Since the whole Valentine's day blues and thinking about Dr. Hu, I've been looking towards my games to escape.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  I realize now that games will merely distract and waste my money.  It's time to stop living a fake life and deal my real life's problems.

Note to self:  Stop playing games, don't waste money on games, deal with reality.

Truth, Regrets, and Reaffirmation

I'm a failure, that is the truth.  I failed at everything that mattered in life.  I fail at establishing and maintaining any relationships.  I had so many friends back in high school, but I failed to maintain contact with them.  They wanted  me to hang out, chat, play online games with them, but I always refused due to fear.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!  I fail at establishing any romantic relationship.  The closest thing to one was a summer emotional fling, and when she finally told me she was in love with me, I simply walked away because of my fear, uncertainty, and indecisiveness.  Idiot, moron, imbecile!  I had so many chances at a relationship, but I always screw it up somehow.  I blew it, I blew my chances at a decent life, a normal life.  Thinking about Dr. Hu's life made me imagine myself in her position and I couldn't sleep last night because of it.  Deep down inside, I know that my chances of ending up in her position is extremely high.  No, not even in her position, at least she accomplished a lot academically and professionally.  I am nothing.

God, why can't my life end.  If it wasn't for my family, and my strong sense of duty and obligation towards them, I would've ended my own life a long time ago.

This man saw the truth, the light, and the darkness that was descending upon him, so he decided to end it.
http://cutedeadguys.net/showthread.php?9713-21-year-old-man-from-Sweden-hangs-himself-on-webcam
Someday I might be like Dr. Hu, and when that happens, I'll be him.

Addendum to objectives:    Gather financial resources for family, keep modifying behavior, develop stronger personality and interests.  If you are not married by 35, terminate yourself.

Remembrance

Going back over this little blog which I started about five months ago made me start thinking about the people who lost their chance.  I'm here, now, trying to change myself so that I may have a future, so that I may start a family of my own someday.  But trying to accomplish this task has reminded me of the people who were once young and lost their chance at a good life.  During my time at City College of San Francisco, I met a number of teachers who lament their lost youth and the opportunities that went with it.  One of my former teachers come to mind, Dr. Karin Hu, my former psychology teacher.

Dr. Karin Hu was my psychology teacher for the summer semester of 2008.  Through her, I learned more about psychology in that one semester than I could hope to anywhere else.  She is a fantastic teacher, an amazing lecturer, and an amazing person.  Unfortunately, underneath such a great personality lies a story of sadness and loneliness.  

All of the information I have on her is from memory, information that she told the class throughout the quarter.  She's currently in her late 50s, and her family and her arrived in the United States from China before the 1950s.  Not exactly the best time for a minority, especially an Asian one.  Her father was one of the first Chinese to settle and do business outside of Chinatown.  She used to talk about how her dad's store was spat upon by passing people.  I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and loneliness that she felt, being the only one of her kind in school, work etc.  I guess her past haunted her throughout her life because she once talked about how she only lost her virginity when she was 30 years old.  When she mentioned that, I could see the sadness and pain on her face.  She knew that she was not wanted, not chased after by men, and was alone.  Still alone.  She never married.  She has friends and a small dog named Doni, that she would bring to class everyday.  That's all she has now.  She went to UC Berkeley and majored in Art for her undergraduate degree and later went to Cornell and another Ivy league school for her masters and PHD in optics.  A truly amazing woman, absolutely brilliant but overeducated and alone.  During my last day in her class, as everyone was turning in their finals, she was looking at everyone with a desperate look.  She was hoping for acknowledgement, someone to show they care, no one did.  Even the students that she often joked around with simply left.  But I cared.  When I turned in my final, I smiled and waved goodbye.  I saw her again one last time the next semester. I looked at her, but I didn't know if she recognized me since she was wearing sunglasses.  I didn't greet her, and then she was gone.

Here's to you Dr. Hu.  You are not alone, I will always remember you.

Shyness and Self Confidence

I lack self confidence.  I'm confident in my intellectual, academic, and physical abilities, but when it comes to relationships with people, I'm basically a stuttering moron that can't do anything.  Paralysis by analysis is what people call it.  I'm constantly doubting myself and analyze every little detail of everything that I do.  I'm still pouring over the data gained by my interaction with Julia and several other girls in the past, and every single time I screwed myself over.  I kept wondering what is she thinking, what is she doing, what am I doing and how will she react.  By the time I take action, I already lost my chance.  Katherine, Julia, Julie, Shannon, different girls every time, but always the same story on my end.  They were interested and attracted to me, but I always screw it up. Why do I lack self confidence?  Why am I shy?  Is it due to the bullying by girls I experienced in the past?  Is it because I don't have experience in relationships so I refuse to jump in?  That wouldn't make sense, I lack experience in many fields but I jumped in and learned.  I just don't get it, I just don't understand.

Addendum:  It's been about two hours since I initially wrote this.  I did a bit more digging and I realize that the time frame I think in is too long term.  I also realize that I'm too "formal" and too "professional".  I also believe that I need to make time for people.  I need to modify that.

Note to self:  Be more confident, eliminate shyness and indecisiveness.  Think short term, not long term and be more relaxed and casual, go with the flow.  Always make time for people.  Be more expressive of emotions and affection toward others.

Change of Style

It's said that it is the clothes that make the man and I agree.  The way a person dress tells a lot about that person and I think I need to change the way I dress.  The way I dress right now is to wear a jacket, khakis with a belt and sandals.  It is adequate but I think I need to change it up a bit.  I keep getting the feeling that people think I'm a lot older than I am due to the way I dress.  I look mature and disciplined which is great, but it attracts a lot of often unwanted and few desired attention from people. I have been analyzing the dress patterns of the general male population around campus for the last two years, and I honestly can't decide what type of style I should choose.  The style that the males around campus tend to range from the average to the absolute bizarre.  There are guys around campus that wear pants that look so tight, I wouldn't be surprised if they end up being infertile.  Then of course you have the average southern california look, shorts, sandals, and t-shirt.  I can pull that off, but I absolutely hate the feeling of vulnerability I feel by wearing only a t-shirt.  I've been thinking about going to that surf shop on library walk to see what they have, but I doubt I'll find anything.  What to wear, what to wear?  Hmm.  I guess I'll keep the whole business casual, golf shirt thing going for now.

Fucking knew it

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/41682607#41682607

I was right.  Should have bought some oil stocks.  Oil prices are rising due to speculation and the economist they interviewed feared it could dampen the economic recovery.

The need to be alone

I took my OChem midterm today, needless to say not good.  I think I have the need to be alone, even though I so want to be close to people, emotionally and physically.  It is inherent in the nature of introverts to seek solitude, but I think I'm different.  Other introverts willingly spend time with others, but it seems as I do my best to push them away.  I guess I should change that.

Note to self:  Spend more time with others, don't push them away.

Weight gain

Sweet Mother of God, I'm 208 now!  Fucking hell, modify exercise schedule.

Note to self:  Run at least 1 mile every day.  Change diet, buy mushrooms and vegetables from market.

INTJ forum, just like me

I've been browsing the INTJforum.com today, and it seems like I'm not the only one with lack of relationship troubles.  http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=50780

Guys in their early 20s like me, and never been in a relationship.  I guess it's a common thing for male INTJs, that or the ones online are the rejects.  I'm, er, happy that I'm not alone in this aspect.

On another note, I'm down to a 34 inch waistline now, but I actually gained 2 pounds.  I'm guessing my fat is shifting from my waist to my ass.  Don't know if that is good or bad.

INTJs:  Well educated, well off, and well dead alone.

Valentine's Day Blues, Missed Opportunities, Reaffirmation of Objectives

I think I know why I'm so nostalgic now.  I have the Valentine's day blues.  Seeing everyone coupling up and being all happy and stuff is making me seriously depressed.  It's not just about not being in a romantic relationship, it's about being emotionally and psychologically alone.  I could have been friends with Ian, but I never expressed my appreciation towards him for his kindness.  I could have been in a relationship with Julie, but I held a stupid grudge against her for a year.  I could have been in a relationship with Julia, but I kept pushing her away for a year.  Speaking of Julia, she hasn't been in accounting for this week.  I thought she was sick at first, but I saw her in Econ 120B on Tuesday and I saw her again today talking to someone.  I guess she is sick, sick of seeing me, thinking that I rejected her.

I always do things or change my mind at the last minute, at the eleventh hour.  I always have so many opportunities thrown at me, but I always keep changing my mind over and over again.  By the time I make a choice, the opportunity is gone.

It's time to reaffirm my objectives.  When I came to UCSD, I made a personal vow that I won't have any emotional attachments to anyone here.  I vowed to complete my schooling and graduate as soon as possible.  I vowed not to fall for someone and end up missing them after I graduate.  I was wrong.  My vows do not keep me safe or happy, it slowly drains away my life and happiness.  My vows are now this:

• Do well in school and graduate as soon as possible
• Work out, lose weight, stay fit and muscular
• If there is a potential for friendship/relationship, then go for it, worry about how it will end later

I've been listening to this lately:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIIA3NKqebg

No other song I have ever listened to have been simultaneously so simple, yet so elegant.  If my emotions could be translated into music, this would be it.

Note to self:  Always take any opportunity thrown at you.  Be more decisive and be more quicker when making a choice.  Go with the flow, don't think about what if.  Don't be so formal, be more personable.

Review 3

Don't know why I'm becoming so nostalgic all of a sudden, but I can't help but think about the past for the last few days.  This time is with Julie.  Julie, the ENFP I met last year was something... different.  I've never met anyone like her before.  Spunky, spontaneous, aloof, and a fantastic cook.  God, she was something.  She was attracted to me (I think, can't tell with flirty ENFPs) and I was attracted to her.  I wish I was doing this whole reprogramming thing last year.  If I was, I would have gone for her like crazy since ENFP are supposedly the holy grail for INTJs.  The perfect couple, 90% compatibility rating, the whole shebang.  Combine that with our natural attraction towards each other's looks, we could have been something.  Too bad she talked crap about me at the beginning of the year.  That pretty much ruined everything.  I suppose she changed her mind later and started liking me, but I couldn't trust her and held my grudge against her till the end of the year.

I saw her several times last quarter, nothing much, just smiles and hi then bye.  I think I saw her one night and walked right past her and her friends.  I had that whole blanking out while walking going on and didn't notice her.  She said, "Hey man, what's up?"  I looked at one of her friends, thought she was talking, didn't recognize her so I kept on walking.  Another time I walked right up to her and she had that I'm-looking-to-the-side-because-I'm-blushing look.  I walked past her again.  That was the last time I saw her.  I was hoping to see her again since her birthday was on February 6th, but nothing.  Gone.  God, I would kill to see her skip down a hallway in her underwear again.

Note to self:  Never hold a grudge against a woman, because it's stupid and limits your opportunities.

Review 2

Another mental records review.  I've been thinking about Ian lately.  Last year, Ian was the only suitemate who was nice to me, and in return I offered my advice, expertise, and knowledge to him.  When they received a TV that wasn't programmed to search for channels, I offered my technical abilities and fixed it for him.  I saw him again at the beginning of last quarter.  He was friendly and everything, but unfortunately I wasn't.  I consider him a friend and I was shy around him.  When I see him, I immediately turn around and walk the other way.  Nice going huh?  Nowadays, he still greets me and I greet him but with less enthusiasm.  Here's to you Ian, if I drank beer I would raise my glass to you.  Thank you for being a friend.  Cheers.

Note to self:  Always show affection, appreciation and enthusiasm towards the people you care about.

Middle East Burning

I normally don't talk about foreign affairs or bother to analyze them because I'm most likely wrong, but recent events in the Middle East has got me thinking.  I'm an Economics major and the events in the Middle East has gotten my econ mind lighting up like fireworks.  Protests and mass demonstrations first started in Tunisia, then spread to Egypt, then Algeria, and now Yemen and Bahrain, and in some parts of Iran.  I wonder if these demonstrations would lead to a 1979 Iranian style overthrow of their dictators, leading to theocratic regimes taking over.  The people of Egypt are celebrating that their country is transitioning into a democracy, but anyone that studies history of various nations will realize that popular sentiment can easily evolve into something more frightening.  I'm talking about the more fringe elements of a revolutionary movement.  Nationalistic sentiment, or in the Middle East's case, radical Islamic elements, could easily hijack every revolution that is going on right now.  In Egypt for example, the Muslim Brotherhood is one of the major players and organizers of the protests in Egypt.  Though officially the Muslim Brotherhood is non-violent, there have been possible links between it and various terrorist activities.  Aside from this, we can be sure the Iranians are working their mojo in creating factions that align to their interests.

This is where my econ mindset jumps in.  The Middle East is a major source of oil, and it is a lynch pin in the trade between Asia and Europe.  If all of these "revolutions" truly turn into a nationalistic movement across the Middle East, then what would happen then?  Would they stop the flow of oil to the Western world under the belief that it should benefit themselves instead?  Would they shut down the Suez Canal or at least prevent ships from countries supporting Israel from crossing?  If that happens then the economic implications would be startling.  Shipping costs for goods would jump, oil prices would skyrocket just from pure speculation alone, leading to a double dip recession that so many people fear.  Shipping costs doesn't only affect the price of consumer goods, the price of shipped food such as grain will jump.  In places such as China, there are already reports that food prices were jumping up in the double digits, and that was before this whole revolution debacle.  

Before the whole financial/credit crisis in 2007, speculation caused oil to rise to about $140 per barrel due to the fear of a 1972 style OPEC embargo.  I suspected that this was the cause of the credit crisis.  When companies started facing a higher fixed cost, such as transportation costs due to high gas prices, they started trimming down by eliminating the variable cost, workers.  One by one, workers were fired and they weren't able to pay their mortgages, leading to the financial crisis.  Could this happen again?  Could future speculation, caused by this revolutionary movement across the Middle East, inhibit the economic recovery that so many people need right now?  Time can only tell.

Love to be Hated

One of the most memorable quote from Machiavelli's The Prince is, "It is better to be feared than to be loved."  For so long I believed it to be true.  The pain and suffering I felt since I was young and the betrayals I experienced has lead me to develop a paranoid and ruthless personality.  One that never stops moving, one that is always on guard against any opponent, one that sees hostile action even though it might not be there.  Has it helped?  I can now honestly say no.  It may have helped in the past, against douchebags, against morons who believed that popularity was all that mattered, but now, we're in a more civilized age.  It's time to bid a farewell to arms, so to speak, and return life to normal.  I don't wish to be feared, I don't wish to seen as a boogeyman anymore, however, I question whether I can shake this habit off.  For me, to be hated is like an addiction.  I always thought I was hated because people were jealous of what I can do, what I am.  To be hated is to know that I am doing something right.  Perhaps it isn't, perhaps I'm hated because I am so always on guard, that I always bring out the negative and never see the positive.  It's over, it's time to bid farewell to arms and understand that it's always better to be loved than to be feared.

The reason I wrote this post is because I bumped into BOTH Sabina and Julia while I was at Geisel.  They're friends.  Small world, huh?  Sabina still think that I hate her so she hates me in return, and Julia... well I don't even have to explain.

Update:  Bumped into Julia again at the food court at Price Center.  Her friend is not Sabina, that's a relief I guess.

Note to self:  Realize that it's always better to be loved than to be feared.  Understand it, know it, live by it.

Silent on the Western Front

Not much is going on today.  I got my midterm for Econ 120B back, I did better than I thought.  That's good I guess, but I'm facing another B.  Ugh, I was several points away from a B+ or even an A-.  Sigh, keep moving.  Cutting ties with Eric.

On another note, weight is now down to 202 pounds.  I'm basically back down to my pre-winter break weight.  Hopefully, I can break that 200 pound barrier within the next two weeks.

Note to self:  Decrease indecisiveness, increase aggressiveness in achieving objectives.  Maintain momentum on path to achieving objectives.  Be blunt and straightforward.

Valentine's day, the future

It's Valentine's day.  The most dreadful time of the year for people who are alone.  It never was for me... until now.  For the past week, all I see are roses, hearts, and couples everywhere.  Their smiling, giggling, kissing, hugging, cheerful laughter, makes me long for that feeling.  The feeling of being loved, the feeling of loving another.  I want to experience that.  So many times have girls shown expressed their affection and attraction towards me, but I merely pushed them away.  Every year, there is at least one girl who is attracted to me, so I wait, so I push away.  I question how long until the universe itself becomes exasperated with my attitude and women simply stop caring.

I'm already 23, it should be time for me to find that special someone to settle down with.  Some would consider that a young age to get married, but they do not understand my mindset.  To be an INTJ is to be a planner, a mastermind, a strategist, and when I plan, I plan years, even decades in advance.  The future I see for myself is one of horror.  I see myself over educated, over worked, overly financially secure, but alone.  No one to share my fortunes with, no one to share my experiences with, no one to share my bed with.  I have a cousin who is in his 30s, working a dead end job, no girlfriend, basically no future.  One of my mom's coworker's son is a graduate student at UCSD.  He's 29, no girlfriend, but he says he's eyeing a girl who already has a boyfriend.  Seriously?  I don't want to be like the both of them, over educated, over worked, but having no one to share it with.  I wonder what's going through their minds.  Are they thinking the same thing I'm thinking?  Did they think the same way I thought and gave up?  This feeling, the feeling of inevitability, this feeling is the equivalent of being trapped in a car stuck on a train track while you can see the train coming.  It is terrifying.  I'm desperately trying to unbuckle that seat belt to get out, but I wonder how long I have until it's too late.

Equation for relationship:  Age is proportional to financial resources available for dating but is inversely proportional to the amount of single women available or interested.

Hell of a conundrum.

Note to self:  If a woman shows interest, go for it.  Don't think, just do it.

Being addressed

Sometimes I have a hard time distinguishing whether someone is talking to me or not.  When that happens, I usually stay silent and don't say anything until they clarify they are talking to me.  But sometimes they don't, and they assume I'm ignoring them and they get pissed at me.  I need to change that.

On another note, I just ran 2 miles nonstop.  I have never done that before, and my legs aren't even tired or aching.  My body is definitely changing.

Note to self:  Always assume someone is talking to you.

Alfonso

I was walking to Price center and Alfonso catch up to me to say hi.  What the heck?  He was ignoring me and everything and now he's buddy, buddy again?  Whatever  I said hi and he went off.  Humans are so strange.  (The irony of such a statement is not lost upon me.)  Reestablishing relations with Alfonso.

Addendum:  Body is definitely changing.  I was able to run 1.5 miles continuously with relative ease today at the RIMAC.  I haven't been able to do that since high school.  After a 5 to 10 minute break, I was able to run another mile.  My body is changing.

Update:  I saw Alfonso again while I was in building 2.  I guess everything is back to normal.  I also saw Shannon while walking back to my dorm.  I swear she was looking at me like she recognizes me.  Maybe I should have said hi...

Regression(?), Preparing for social contact, Body language

Bumped into Stephanie at the market tonight.  Conversational exchange was an absolute nightmare, jumbled words, mumbling, awkward body language, basically every possible error that could happen happened.  Oh God, it was embarrassing for both me and her.  Why can't a satellite just drop out of the sky and end my misery?  I clearly don't belong on this planet.  This leads me to another thought, do I have to psychologically prepare myself for socializing with others?  I still don't understand how my brain works and what makes it tick.

Another thing I want to note is the my "ability" to read body language.  When you have this ability, you notice little things that few pick up on.  For example, how a person leans toward someone shows that they are comfortable with them or how crossed ankles indicate mentally holding something back.  One thing I notice all the time is how cashiers everywhere wipe their hands after handing something to someone.  It irks the hell out of me how nearly every cashier I bump into will immediately wipe their hand after giving me back my student ID card.  In the study of body language, including chimpanzee behavior, wiping your hand after contact with someone indicates that you think the other person is dirty or beneath you.  Not all the cashiers do this, nor is it always towards me only, but it still annoys me to a great deal.  Every time they do it, I just want to yell, "Yeah, fuck you too, asshole!"  When Stephanie did it, I thought, "Wow... thanks, nice to know you feel this way."

Note to self:  Prepare to socialize any place at any time with anyone.  Ignore the hand wipe reading.

Review

Since last night I've been going through mental records, reviewing what went wrong in my social interactions and such.  First up is Alfonso, I don't understand why he suddenly stopped talking to me, but I think I found the answer.  One night he tapped on my window to greet me, I smiled and waved, and he left.  However, looking through records indicate that he was pointing to my left, which is the door.  I didn't realize it at the time, and looked out my window several minutes later.  He wasn't there.  He might have been hurt by my action (or rather, lack of action.)  Second one is Julia, interactions for this quarter might have fubar'd this up.  My first contact with was, "Julia, are you still pissed off at me? (she responds)  I noticed you kept looking at me and kept pouting for the last three weeks.  (she responds)  Wanna get something to eat?  (she responds, she searches through her tote bag)"  Not exactly the most optimal of conversation.  Word usage were screwed.  My first question immediately set up for dancing around the issue.  When she started searching through her tote bag, I waited a couple of seconds and left without saying good bye or anything.  Another time, when I first saw her in accounting, I immediately turned around and held my head.  She might have interpreted that I was annoyed by her.  That was bad, REALLY BAD.  Doesn't matter now, live and learn.

INTJs: Assholes by day, supervillains by night.

On another note, my body is screwing up.  My metabolism and sex drive is going through the roof.  Can't stop eating and uh, doing stuff.  I can now easily push 200 pounds ten times on the incline bench press for some reason.  I struggled with it before...

Note to self:  Never dance around an issue, and always trust your intuition.  Be more blunt and straight forward.

Stupid Mistakes

I keep thinking back on my econ 120B midterm.  Ugh, God, I made so many stupid mistakes that I now realize. I managed to get Provost's Honors last quarter...I knew it wouldn't last.  I am so depressed.  Another week, another moment in hell.

Note to self:  Be more diligent, stop making stupid mistakes.

Progress?

I've been reviewing mental records of the last few days, and I'm impressed.  Well, as impressed as one can be of their own achievements.  I'm socializing more now.  My conversations with Julia are good, as good as one can be when talking to their "crush".  There wasn't any awkwardness or anything.  My conversations with my one friend here is actually becoming better.  More like pals than colleagues, and I'm no longer freaking him out.  It's good progress I guess, though I'm still broken up about the situation with Julia.  It's not like I'm crying or breaking down or anything like that.  It's more about disappointment with myself, I just couldn't build up the courage to tell her despite nearly half a year of self reprogramming.  If I was dating her, my personality alternation would have made leaps and bounds.  I could've eliminated months maybe even years of self reprogramming.  Right now, I would put my personality similar to the point as it was back in middle school.  It doesn't matter now, I must keep going.

Update:  Bumped into Victor, conversational exchange was subpar.  I stuttered and jumbled words.  Was it because I was unprepared for social contact?  So much for progress.

Run Forest Run!!

I'm always running away from my problems.  I may look tough and muscular, but deep down inside I'm nothing more than a cowardly chihuahua that is more bark than bite.  I talked to Julia today right after accounting.  Even though I psyched myself up last night, this morning and even during my midterm, I just couldn't tell her how I feel.  How I feel.  How do I feel?  I'm an amateur at reading body language, and she did not exhibit any signs of attraction or nervousness unlike last time, a mere two weeks ago.  The only thing I noticed is the stare-off-into-space-to-the-side-because-I'm-nervous look for several seconds when she and I made eye contact when we were talking.  Only some residual attraction left from her.  I was too late because I hesitated, because I ran away like a little chihuahua.  The only thing I get from this now is data.  Data used to further modify my behavior, which will most likely regress, and data for another profile of a human being I studied.  After today, Julia will merely be relegated to nothing but another number on a case file.

Update:  Case file Julia now permanently closed.  Emotions detached.  She's now nothing more than a face in a sea of faces.  One more thing to add to case file, she might have bombed the econ 120B midterm.  When she asked me how was the midterm at the village market, I said it was okay.  She shook her head giving a blah-blah-blah expression.  Definitely ISF-something.

Note to self:  Never run away from problems, face it head on.

FUCK MY LIFE, FUCK MY LIFE!!!

I saw Julia at the review session for accounting.  Stupid indecisive bullshit.  God, should I go after her?  Should I just let her go?  I don't know what course of action I should follow!  I already broke her heart for a year, I should just stay away, but a part of me keeps wondering what if it works out.  What if, but some stroke of magic, God, divine intervention, it could work and I let it slip away.  She's a sorority girl, she could have any guy out there, then why me?!  God damn it, why me?!  Any other guy out there would have jumped at the chance to be with her, but I'm jumping around like a moron.  I hate my personality.

Note to self:  Take a risk, take a chance.

Messiahs and Martyrs

Another thought popped up today while I was in class.  It's nothing new since I have been wondering for several years now.  The question is do I have a subconscious messiah and martyr complex.  The more and more I think about it, I think I actually do.  I always put the needs of others ahead of myself.  I always take time out to comfort and help others even when I'm strapped for time.  That is the martyr complex, the need to make self sacrifices for the sake of others.  The messiah complex, on the other hand, is more destructive.  Every girl that has ever been attracted to me, I have pushed away, only to regret later on and try to get them back.  Try to get them back, trying to save them from sadness, trying to become the savior.  There it is, the messiah complex.  I don't understand how I managed to develop these complexes.  Does it stem from subconscious narcissism or it is part of my subconscious need to be liked and accepted by others?  Whatever it is, whatever the cause, I need to stop it, it's ruining my life.  The martyr complex I can embrace and accept, but I need to get rid of the messiah complex.

Update:  I was almost late to accounting class today, and I wished another shuttle.  One was waiting right for me when I got to the street...

On another note, I sold 50 shares of Molycorp at $53.01 in the morning, making a nice $195 gain after brokerage fees.  I just came back from class only to find out it rose to $55.29 per share... FUCK!!!  Psychic/matrix abilities my ass.

Note to self:  You are just a man, not a messiah, not a martyr, not a machine.  You are human.

Note to self:  You are not psychic or are you?  Hmmm...

Horrible spelling

Ugh, just edited my previous post to fix grammatical and spelling mistakes.  It seems as though that when I type, I tend to make a lot of mistakes.  It's really odd, I can create absolutely amazing speeches and essays in my head, but when it comes to writing them, it comes out as one gigantic mess.  I always end up leaving words out here and there, creating incoherent sentences.  I guess it's a side effect of spending too much time in my head.

Note to self:  Proofread anything I write.

Water weight and stocks

After running two miles on the treadmill today, I'm down to 202.4.  Which is pretty good considering last night I was at 205.6.  Three pounds of water weight, I guess I have to pee more.

I'm currently managing my parents' stock account, and the stock market is extremely volatile.  In one week I helped them make $1100.00 only to watch it all go away the next.  I thought about opening an account of my own, but I'm not so sure anymore.  I'm thinking playing the stock market could help me become more willing to take risk, and I might make some money too, but I could end up biting off more than I can chew.  I have to keep thinking about it.

Behavioral modification, Needs and Wants

I think therefore I am, said Renee Descartes, but what good is thinking when you're crippled by inaction.  That is what I am, a thinker, not a doer.  I keep watching people go by, laughing, talking, enjoying time with their friends and I keep believing that is what I want.  Is it?  When people come near, I push away, when they leave, I try to pull them back.  Is socializing something I truly want or am I merely trying to assimilate and fit in.  This is the tipping point I think... I hope, where I become more of a Sensor driven individual rather than spending my time with my head in the clouds, or up my own ass.

Note to self:

1. Cut down on analysis and recon time
2. Modify sleep schedule to sleep earlier
3. Modify moral system
4. Be more aggressive in pursuing and accomplishing objectives
5. Do not be afraid of women.
6. Stop being an asshole
7. Stop giving up so early
8. Stop thinking and start doing.
9. Stop being so stuck up.
10. Be more expressive of emotions, tell others how you feel and how you think.
11. Stop being so afraid of everything.

Always remember to move hand when greeting someone.

Treadmill

I finally tried out the treadmill today.  It was absolutely amazing, it was like night and day comparing the treadmill to the stationary bike.  After running only one mile, I was sweating like crazy.  It would have taken 30 minutes pedaling at full speed to achieve that kind of sweat on a bike.  It was odd at first, trying to run in place, but after several minutes I got used to it.  Definitely doing that again.

Matrix/Twilight Zone

I mentioned that it sometimes feel like I'm living in the matrix because I can "make" things happen.  On Friday, I was late for my discussion section at 8 am and I hoped that there would be a shuttle.  I walked out the door, went to the street and saw a shuttle arriving just 20 ft away.  Freaky.  One hell of a coincidence for sure.  Okay, if I am in the matrix then I want this:

A beautiful and intelligent wife
Two kids, a son and a daughter
A nice house

Morpheus, hook me up with this shit.

Mentos

I love mentos and apparently they have a rainbow mentos stick now.  Most of the flavors in it are good, but the pineapple flavor is horrible, and they multiple of them too.

Note to self:  Never buy rainbow mentos ever again.

Logic alteration

I am risk averse, too risk averse.  In some situations though.  It's really odd when I'm behind a computer screen or anonymous, I somehow become extremely daring.  I'm currently managing my parents' retirement account and  I'm literally playing around with thousands of dollars, but I'm extremely bold and risk taking.  On the other hand, when I'm in front of people, I become extremely risk averse.  This situation with Julia and any other girl shows it. It's time to change it, it's time to take a chance.  I'm going to alter my core logic.
Altering to:
If new opportunities come up = take chance, make move, then plan.

Oh, and I finally managed to find out Hispanic dude's name today, he's Alfonso.  I saw him today talking on the phone while I was walking to the market.  He didn't even wave, he was actually trying to avoid eye contact.  Cutting ties.

Note to self:  Improvise more, jump in without planning, and always take any opportunity that presents itself.

Zero declared, redouble efforts

After a day of deliberation, zero relations probability with Julia is now official.  It's over.  My intuition told me that week three was my final window of opportunity and I missed it.  There is nothing left to salvage.  On Thursday of week three was the final time she was looking at me then looking down in disappointment.  Week four was when I asked her if she wants something to eat and she displayed residual attraction.  Week five just passed and now we're entering week six.  She's already in the acceptance and moving on phase.  This whole Julia business has been a gigantic pain the ass and midterms are coming up, I need to study.  Time to ramp up the engine.

(God, rereading the first paragraph makes me sound like a callous asshole.  I not so sure about the zero declaration... there goes that indecisiveness again.)

On another note, I met Dean Bailey today.  She's nice and an ISTJ too.  Conversational exchange was decent though I did notice something.  When I asked her if New York was as cold as San Francisco, she paused for approximately 2.5 seconds, indicating that she had to think about what I asked.  At the same time I noticed that I said San Francisco off key, so there is a high probability that I screwed up on saying that and she didn't understood.  Must modify that.

Addendum:  There is something I learned from this.  NEVER, EVER immediately determine zero chance with a woman by statistical probability.  Next time, I'll explain my circumstances and see if they understand.

Note to self:  Start studying, modify speech for clarity and volume increase.
Note to self 2:  Never immediately think that you don't have a chance with a woman.  Always explain your circumstances.  If you're interested in a woman, show that your interested, don't ignore them.  Don't give up so quickly.

Julia...not found

Julia wasn't in my accounting class today nor was she in my econ class on Tuesday.  Where did she go, what happened?  Could she have dropped both classes?  Would she when two midterms are coming up?  Or maybe she's skipping classes to study or maybe she's sick.  I just don't know.

This leads me to another thought.  Am I in the twilight zone or the matrix?  Am I the little kid with super powers that can make people disappear with his mind?  The reason I'm even pondering is because when I want something, it happens.  When I was growing up, the teachers that were bullying me would have horrible stuff happen to them, without me having to lift a finger.  When I was in high school and middle school, I was considered to be "the" loser, so low on the social ladder, I wasn't even on it.  Yet, when I was attracted to one of those hot, popular girls, I would later find out they were attracted to me too.   When I declare a zero probability with a girl, they would just simply vanish, gone from my life forever.  I was too quick to declare zero probability with Julia, did that happen to her too?  Bah, I'm starting to sound like a delusional schizophrenic.  Let's see what happens in econ.

Ms. Bailey, if you're reading this, Happy Chinese New year.

Hispanic dude at the Village

I saw the Hispanic guy again while walking to the UAS meeting.  He didn't seem that happy to see me.  we talked for less than a minute and we both went our separate ways.  I said bye and he didn't even bother responding.  What the hell?  What did I do?  How the hell did I piss him off?  Every time he greets me, I smile and say hi and wave, standard greeting protocol, non-offensive in the least. Bah, screw it, maintain minimal contact.  My initial intuition was right.  Strangely enough, I never knew his name, I didn't think he knew mine either.  Meh.

I've regressed.  I met one of the officers at UAS named Nicole.  She said I never met you before, I simply responded with my name.  No smile, no handshake.  Crap.  Screwed up on that one.

If the Hindus and the Buddhists are right and there is such a thing as reincarnation then I want to come back as a dog.  Their "social conventions" are simply sniffing each other's butts and then start humping.  It's pretty much like being a man but without having to deal all the other bullshit.

Note to self:  Remember to greet others with a smile and handshake.

Why do I do this to myself?

I can't stop thinking about Julia now.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  When a woman falls for me, I dismiss it as though it is nothing, but when they start falling out of it, I try my best to regain their attention.  It always end up blowing up in my face.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  Am I some kind of subconscious sadist hell bent on torturing myself and the women who care about me?  I do care about them, I am attracted to them, but why can't and why won't I express it?  I keep telling myself to change, but I never do.  I keep trying to fix myself, but it's like telling a blind man to fix a car he can't touch.  First Katherine, now possibly Julia...

Note to self:  End this.  Stop dismissing women who are attracted to you.  Show affection, show that you care, show that you reciprocate...

Final Contact and Statistical Outliers

After last week's further analysis of my contact with Julia, I'm deciding to get in contact one more time.  Her body language that day indicated that she was shy and nervous around me.  I asked her if she wanted to get something to eat, and she said that she has work, which is the truth.  At the time, I thought she turned me down, but thinking back, she immediately started searching for something in her tote bag.  Was she trying to give me her number?  It's a huge stretch and it's pure supposition, but I can't help but wonder.  I was hoping that she would talk to me today since I showed interest last week, but she immediately left class today.  This leaves two possibilities, 1) She lost all interest or 2) She is afraid of being rejected again.  This thursday will be considered final contact.  I will try to talk to her and ask if she wants to get something to eat, if she doesn't then I'll just explain why I didn't ask her out last year.  After that, relationship probability will be determined to be zero and we'll both go our separate ways.

I have never met anyone like Julia before.  Julia is an extremely beautiful blonde girl and I have never seen a beautiful blonde girl so adamant in chasing after an Asian guy, like me.  She is a major sociological statistical outlier, an outlier that I simply dismissed.  I think she was a freshman when she and I first met, and I ended up breaking her heart.  No one should experience that in their first year at college.  Seeing her so upset for the last three weeks and for the last year has been slowly eating away at me because I was attracted to her the entire time.  But I couldn't show any emotion, any affection, any interest all for the sake of accomplishing my objectives.  Now that it's almost over, I can't stop pondering what could have been.  If this is truly over, then I've learned something from this, human beings are not data points, at least not on an interpersonal scale.  Always take a chance and give a chance to everyone.

Note to self:  Never dismiss a chance with anyone.  Talk to Julia on Thursday, explain yourself and your actions, if she lost interest.