So Many Mistakes

It's been one week since the job fair and I met with Dr. Poizner yesterday.  He suggested that I take medicine to deal with my social anxiety.  Ever since the job fair, I've been running scenarios in my head over and over again about how my life will be for the next several years.  Just thinking about it was painful.  I'm not sure if I can even pass the CPA exam, grad school is pretty much out of the picture, and I don't know what I was smoking thinking that I could get accepted into pharmacy school.  Instead of doing pre-pharm, I could have used that time and energy to do a computer science minor.  Due to the lack of a car and constantly taking courses over the summers, I never did an internship so I'm pretty much fucked.  I'm thinking about going back to community college, finish the pharm pre-reqs and try to get an associates in computer science.  God, just thinking about having to go back to community college again is making me cry.  So many mistakes, so many foregone opportunities.  Three years of my life wasted.

Job Fair

Job fair is coming up tomorrow and I'm going.  Dear God, this shit is going to be horrible.  You have to do a stupid introduction and ask them questions and stuff.  Why can't we just submit the damn resumes and leave.  I really don't want to do this, but I have to because of the shitty economy.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  I wish that whole 2012 end of the world crap would happen so I don't have to deal with this crap.  Man, this is going to suck.

Note to self:  Smile.

Two More Quarters To Go

It's already three days into the new quarter and I can already feel the overbearing work load.  Several days ago, I sent a message to Julie apologizing to her, stating that I should have gone back to her when I had the chance.  I don't expect to get a response, but I had to do it anyway to ease my own conscience.  I don't  know why I do this, constantly foregoing opportunities when I have them only to regret losing them later on.  I'm never going to get a girlfriend if I keep acting like an immature selfish jerk.  Hopefully with my upcoming appointment with Dr. Poizner, I can find a way to fix that.

I have two quarters left and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with my life.  I'm scrambling to apply to various grad schools, though I doubt I'll get accepted.  I don't know what job I'm going to get, if I can get one at all.  I should have went to SF state and continued to major in engineering.  So many regrets, so little time.

Note to self:  Stop being an immature selfish jerk.  If there is an opportunity, take it.

I Need A Girlfriend(?)

I need a girlfriend.  It's what I have been thinking throughout all these years since late middle school/early high school, but I've been questioning whether I really need to be in a relationship with someone right now.  Yeah, the company would be nice as would the physical benefits of having a girlfriend, but I feel that I'm just not mature enough to be with someone.  Right now, I have a hard time trusting women, and every time I get close to someone or someone gets close to me, I clam up and push them away.  I also subconsciously look down upon most women my age unless there is something really special about them.  Even then when I meet someone amazing, like Katherine, I still push away if I "sense" that something's off.  Can I actually maintain a relationship if I got into one?

Dr. Poizner checked in on me several days ago and I told him about my inability to trust women.  I guess I'm going back in again.  Hopefully, there's a cure or something.

Note to self:  Trust women

Home

It's been six days since I've came back to San Francisco.  It's cold but it's nice to see my family again.  Nothing much is happening, I'm studying for the GMAT and there's a couple of other projects I'm hoping to complete before I I go back.  Mn, I've got two quarters left, 6 months, before I graduate, then it's either off to graduate school or bust my ass for the next forty years of my life working.  Time has passed by too fast.

Before I left, I said goodbye to Cary and Greg.  They're really nice guys and we talked a bit.  Greg raised his hand for a high five and I gave one.  Unfortunately, I didn't remember to smile while I did it and I got the feeling Greg was a little unnerved by it.  The whole smiling, bonding and affection thing still remains foreign to me.  I'm pretty annoyed at my inability to make this a natural part of my behavior.  Constantly having to remind myself to do it is annoying.

Two days after I got back, my parents and I went to get new phones.  It was proven to be a fruitless endeavour.  When we got back, I was helping my dad some stuff and he made some joke.  I looked at him and laughed at the joke.  Later on, I overheard my dad asking my mom, "What's up with him?"  Apparently I gave off the whole INTJ death stare thing and he misinterpreted.  Wow, I've become so detached that now even my parents are confused by my facial expressions.  This was unexpected, a definite blow to how much progress I thought I was making.  This sucks.

Finals

It's finals week.  Just a couple more days and I finally get to go home.  Finally, this quarter can't end any faster.  It's been nothing but a nightmare for the last three months.

Several weeks ago, Greg made me some Armenian BBQ.  It was awesome and he's an awesome guy for doing that.  When we were eating, we started talking about school and other stuff.  We must have talked for about an hour.  It felt... great, it was as though I was a normal person and the way I acted was completely normal.  Cool.  It's progress I guess.  There is however a disturbing development.  I noticed that my treatment of people is not equal.  When it comes to women, I'm starting to slip more and more.  Every time I talk to or look at a woman, I can't help but feel a sense of distrust and a sense of apathy.  It's as though I'm seeing women as something other than human, something more akin to a computer program or a sentient mannequin.   Something that can be disregarded.  I shouldn't view women or anyone for that matter this way.  I have to find a way to stop it before it gets worst.  I've already pissed off a bunch of girls, I don't want to continue that anymore.

Note to self:  Treat women the same way you treat guys.

Comments

I checked a few posts back and I didn't realize people posted comments so I responded.

I've responded to them:

http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2011/05/oh-what-tangled-web-we-weave.html?showComment=1322987488929#c6862970540521079054

http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2011/11/end-of-world.html?showComment=1322532178937#c285019081482444586

If you guys are still reading this, I apologize for not responding sooner.  I didn't realize people were actually reading this and posting comments.