Relations with Jacob

Everything is going normally for the most part, but I am worried about my relations with Jacob.  It seems as though it might be degrading.  When I come back and he looks busy, I don't say hi because I don't want to disturb him, but it seems he wants me to say hi.  I think my lack of greeting is starting to annoy him, I will have to change that.

On an unrelated note, I've been thinking about my "no" response.  When someone asks me something and I respond with no, it seems harsh, I need to modify it.

Note to self:  Greet others even when they seem busy to appear polite.

Note to self 2:  Change "no" response to "I don't want to bother" or "no, thank you"

Update:  It's Sunday, and I still haven't seen Shannon again.  It's been two weeks, it's safe to say that I won't be able to see her again.

Note to self 3:  Don't be selfish, don't be greedy, always take the time out to help others.

Note to self 4:  Always look at the people around you when walking.

Handshakes

Weight is still holding, I hope I get to see some more progress so, I think I need a total absolute change in diet just to lose weight.  This is going to become hell really fast.

I've been thinking about the way I shake hands with people.  When I shake hands with people, I tend to look down at the hands and shake.  This wouldn't be an issue, but unfortunately people tend to extend their hands at chest level.  This wouldn't be a problem with men, but with women, they believe that I staring at their boobs.  This could possibly why Stephanie wasn't really doing a proper handshake.  Julia also thought I was staring at her boobs when she was bagging my groceries a year ago.  I need to modify this.

On another note, I think I have a crush on this girl that works at Cafe Ventana.  I think she knows that I'm attracted to her, and her behavior seems to indicate a sort of teasing.  I know that she is just playing, but I'm still nervous around her.  Am I regressing?  I need to push forward.

Note to self:  When shaking hands with people, look down to grab their hand, resume eye contact then shake and smile.

Note to self 2: Know women, love women, trust women, and don't be afraid of women.  Be more compassionate, caring and empathetic.

Note to self 3: Remember to smile even to strangers.

Weight loss and speech

Worked out this morning and found out I had actually gained weight.  I'm now at 208.2 compared to 207.2 yesterday.  It's not surprising considering I ate so much yesterday.  Anyway, Eric is going to his relatives for the weekend.  When he said have a nice weekend, I responded with you too, but I think he may heard it as ew too.  Crap, I need to modify that.

Note to self:  Change diet to eating vegetables, fruits and bread.  When speaking, use your lips instead of your throat otherwise you sound like you have a speech impediment.

Note to self 2: NEVER, EVER say "see ya" to a women you know is attracted to you because they'll think you're not interested.

Blonde girl at the market and Bill

I went to the Undergraduate Accounting Society meeting last night.  It was nice, I managed to get some information from an actual CPA and met someone new from the Village.  His name is Bill and he's from building 8.  My conversation with him was quite satisfactory.  I did experience tongue tie here and there, but it went well. I also conversed two freshmen that was sitting behind me.  Overall, last night on Thursday was quite decent.

However, today is Friday and I pretty much fubar'd a conversation.  AGAIN and AGAIN.  Stephanie, a blonde girl (another one) that works at the Village Market, started a conversation with me.  It went like this:

Her: "Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile!"

Me: "Oh Hi, I haven't seen you last year."

Stephanie's interest in our conversation suddenly started to wane.  I saw that she was disappointed, thinking that I have forgotten about her.  I didn't, I merely misspoke.  I knew that Stephanie was attracted to me since last year, but I think I pretty much screwed it up.  First Shannon, then Stephanie, communicating with others is a pain in the ass.  I went back and tried my best to clarify it to Stephanie, but I think it's pretty much up in smoke.

I still don't understand.  What was it about Katherine that made me open up to her so easily?  Was it some subconscious thing?  Was it the hospital's environment?  I wish I could speak to girls as easily as I could speak to Katherine, sigh.

In an unrelated note, I am at 207.2 pounds today after working out.  Awesome, I'm pretty much back to my high school level weight and even a bit lower.  I'm going to schedule it so that I will workout everyday in the morning.  I hope I'm not just losing water weight though, if I am, then I was carrying 17 pounds of water which is quite ridiculous.

Note to self:  Think before you speak and remember that facial expression plays a very important role in interpersonal communications.  Remember to stand up straight.  When greeting others, limit eye contact to initial contact then break off.

Abby the RA

I bumped into the RA of building eight tonight, her name is Abby.  I met several weeks ago and I never got the chance to talk to her back then, but I managed to do so now.  My conversation with her was natural, very natural.  It was so natural, it seemed like I was normal.  I guess progress is happening to a certain extent.  I was hoping to see Shannon, but she wasn't there tonight.  Sigh, I screwed up so badly.

Note to self:  Trust your intuition, trust your instinct because it is usually right.  When talking to others, know when to end the conversation, and terminate contact once YOU reach your destination.

100C Blonde and Phoebe

A blonde woman in my 100C discussion session asked me for notes.  I didn't have them with and told her that.  She spoke for a little bit, and I think she was trying to make small talk, unfortunately I forgot to smile and I guess it gave her the impression that I thought she was annoying.  She didn't seem happy.  It was fucking stupid of me.  I told myself not to smile too much, but I didn't mean not smile at all.  I need to modify that.

Anyways, I saw Phoebe tonight.  She texted me asking for notes and to have lunch on Wednesday.  What a fucking joke, I am so tired of her.  Forget her, I'm moving on.

Note to self:  Forget about Phoebe, remember to smile more but not too much, smile just enough to show people that you care.  Be more enthusiastic about greeting and meeting others, otherwise people will think you don't like them.  Don't stare at others for too long.  Be more trusting of women.

Regression and degradation of relations

I've been analyzing my behavior for the last week or so.  It seems as though my behavior and mentality have been regressing lately.  I've been thinking more and more unhappy thoughts and my response towards others have been less than satisfactory.  My conversations with Jacob and Eric are decent but I noticed that I ended a conversation with Eric last night by saying yeah, something that I promised to myself not to dol.  I also responded to Tony, one of the TAs in my BILD1 class, by saying oh first and I was brief with him.  These are things I promised not to do anymore.  I hope Tony wasn't offended by my response.  I need to keep pushing forward to not regress any further.

I think my relations with Ian is going down the drain.  I seen him two times and I did not greet him, but I did greet him every other time.  Ian was nice to me, how could I do this to him?  He didn't seem happy to see me yesterday.  I must maintain good relations.

Note to self:  Don't give up keep pushing forward to fight the regression.  Forget about Alex, Ben, and Bobby, they are nothing.  Maintain good relations with Ian.  Remember to smile more.

Sunday

It's Sunday night and it's starting to pour, apparently a storm is coming towards San Diego.  Fantastic stuff. I was doing laundry earlier hoping to see Shannon.  I know that I declared a zero relation probability on her, but I still want to see her just to see if there is still a chance.  She may be a sorority member and all, but I got the feeling that few guys go for her and that she is quite picky.  Last week, there was this white guy that was talking to her, and I think he was trying to get her attention.  She didn't even give a damn that he was leaving.  He left slowly hoping that she will notice, but she acted nonchalantly and coldly towards him.  She's a halfie (half white, half asian), I'm sure of it.  Most likely father's white and mother's Asian.  It's odd that she is more interested in Asian guys.  I still hope that there is a chance with her.

On another note, I have been working out lately and the results have been fantastic.  When I arrived during the start of the year, my waistline was 37 inches and I weighed 224 pounds.  After one month and a couple of days of exercise, I'm now at 35 inches and 209.4 pounds.  Very good results if I say so myself, I just hope I can keep it off and get down to the 180 range.

Note to self:  Don't be so dramatic, act naturally.

Misanthropy and subconsciousness

I've been wondering a bit lately.  I've been wondering could my subconscious misanthropic views be affecting my behavior externally?  Throughout this blog, I kept writing little notes to myself, reminding what not to do and what to do.  It's actually working.  Could I have programmed myself to hate people in the past, and it keeps affecting the way I act now?  If it's true, it's time to do a little reprogramming.

Note to self:  Don't be misanthropic, the majority of people are nice.

Note to self 2:  Talk using your lips, not your throat so you don't sound like you have a speech impairment.

Note to self 3:   Be more willing to say hi and wave to strangers if they greet you.

Friday Julia

I finally did it, I managed to apologize to Julia in person.  I should have done it last week.  I'm glad it's over... or is it.  I sensed something from her, I can't tell what it was.  Anyways, this girl in my bio class wanted to see my test.  I lent it and spoke to her briefly.  The conversation between her and me went decently, I instinctively tilted my head to look at her, but I forgot to smile.  There is some progress, I guess.

Note to self:  Increase voice volume, remember to smile, and do not be afraid of authority figures.

Note to self 2:  I will be nicer to women, I will not be an elitist prick, I will not be so emotional, but I will be affectionate toward others.

Abandon the project?

I have been doing a lot of soul searching the last couple of days.  I've been wondering what this little project/program has given me.  Did it get me anywhere?  Am I making progress?  I already terminated relations with Phoebe, I think Julia is still pissed at me, and I think I pushed away Shannon.  I honestly don't know whether I should continue it or not.  I'll still continue it, but I hope I can make some progress.

Note to self:  Act natural.  Don't smile for too long, otherwise people will think you are annoyed by them.

Note to self 2: Don't be so uptight, loosen up, have fun, screw professionalism.  Stop being so competitive.

Note to self 3: Don't be so quick with others, don't think others as annoyances.

Jacob and oh

Yesterday Jacob asked whose clothes was in the shower.  I responded with "oh, it's mine."  Based on Jacobs reaction, he most likely thought I was angry at him, I wasn't.  This type of scenario is similar to the one with Sandee.  She thought I was angry at her even though I wasn't.  It seems that when I say oh, it is silent to others, I will eliminate it from my vocabulary.  As for Jacob, I'm not sure if relations are permanently damaged, I'll limit contact from now on.

Note to self:  Do not start sentences with oh and do not say oh.

Note to self 2: Don't be a narcissistic douche.  Show teeth when smiling.  Don't be insecure, I am worthy of women.

Shannon

I met Shannon in the laundry room again on Sunday.  Conversion went well, and I am more calm this time.  Unfortunately, it seems that she has lost all interest in me, but intuition indicates that she thinks that I'm not interested in her so she's not interested in me.  It doesn't matter, there was zero categorical matches between us.  She's in KKG and applying to be a RA, and I'm... well I'm me.  Relations probability is now declared zero.  Anyway, I need financial and material resources, without it I can't do anything.

Add-on: Could Shannon have been testing me?  She said "I really don't want to carry this [laundry basket]" out loud.  Could she have wanted me to help her carry it? Doesn't matter now, what's done is done.

Note to self: Acquire financial and material resources by either getting a job or through stocks.  Now about Ameritrade...

Note to self: Do nice things for women you're attracted to.  Show that you're attracted to them, don't act "cool."  Remember to tilt head and body when talking to somebody taller than you or when you're sitting down.

Observation:  Today I cried a little when Andrew cancelled our gym appointment then Shannon pops up again.  I guess there is a God.  What has he planned for me?

Abandon the project?

Andrew cancelled our gym time saying that he has tons of work to do.  I wouldn't be surprised if he cancelled because of how I fubar'd socially last week.  Doubts keep popping up whether I should continue this project.  This transitional phase, whether it is a transitional phase or not, is painful.  What will happen when I'm more outgoing?  Will I be even more lonely?  INTJs are considered weird by others, and that is a big social no no.  Why did I ever leave Katherine?  Why didn't I tell her that I loved her?  Losing her is the worst mistake of my life.

Bryce's girlfriend

Bryce came back tonight on Saturday/Sunday morning.  He came in holding some stuff and his girlfriend, Stephanie, I think that's her name, was helping him.  When Stephanie came in, I looked at her wondering who the hell she was because I can't even recognize her.  She had this disgusted look on her and said hey to me without making eye contact.  I thought nothing of it and carried on.  I stood up and looked towards the bathroom because I wanted to wash my hands and clean up the small amount of soy sauce that was spilled on the table.  Stephanie was in the way and I noticed that she looked at me for about 2.5 seconds and spun around to talk to Bryce.  Red flags started popping up in my mind.  Psychological and behavioral analysis indicates that Stephanie thinks I'm attracted her.  Facepalm.  Dear God!  Seriously? Seriously?! What the fuck, I'm not even attracted to her and she thinks I am after she and I met after only two times?  What the hell?!  Jesus Christ, my relations with Bryce is already on thin ice as is, the guy is spooked by me.  If a conflict pops up from this shit, I'll be so fucking pissed.  This would be absolutely ridiculous.  Maybe that INTJ was right, maybe we just aren't meant to fit into society, maybe no matter what we do, we cannot change.  Sigh.  I'll securitize, mobilize and strategize just in case.  Maybe spending all my time at Geisel Library wasn't such a bad idea after all.

On another note, I think Eric is spooked by my material possessions.  I noticed that he was staring at my 1 TB hard drive.  Sigh, I seriously think relations are going down rapidly.  Oh well at least the campus security guys are nice.

Note to self:  Spend more time at laundry room, be more outgoing and social, and limit contact with Stephanie.

Note to self 2: Limit eye contact with people taller than you.  Make eye contact with people shorter than you.

Elena

I saw Elena again tonight at the laundry room, but I saw her from the outside of the laundry room.  She didn't see me.  I should have went in to greet her, but I didn't, I don't know why.  My previous post talked about lost opportunities and how I am limiting myself.  That was yesterday and I just screwed up again today, fantastic stuff.  I might be regressing, I must push forward.

Note to self:  Other people are important, and maintaining contact with them is important.  I must go out of my way to greet others and maintain contact with them in order to build stronger relationships.

Lost opportunities

I have been thinking a bit about Shannon lately.  I really wish I didn't screw up that conversation I had with her.  Oh, what could have been  Anyway, Shannon is merely a symptom of my bigger problem.  My problem is the inability and unwillingness to initiate contact with women.   As an INTJ and social anxiety sufferer, I am so unfamiliar and afraid of relationships and intimacy that I simply avoid it.  The closest thing to a relationship that I ever had was with Katherine and I consider that a fluke.  I think I subconsciously saw her as a little sister which is why I was so relaxed around her.  Considering the psychological position I'm in, I'm actually lucky to have the looks and physique to attract women towards me.  Even then, my stupidity and my fear, keeps on rejecting them, keep pushing them away.  I can think up of so many instances where girls would chase after me, but I would reject them, not out of thinking I'm better, but because of my fear.  It happens time and time again, but I fear that one day my looks will fade and my physique will become obsolete, then what will I have left?  I need to push forward to develop my personality, and to eliminate my fear.  Other wise, I'm doomed to nothingness.

Note to self:  Don't be afraid of women, don't reject women, maintain relations with women even you're not attracted to them, treat them as though they are another guy and actively pursue women if she is interested.

Julia AGAIN

I think I saw Julia at the market tonight.  This is a Thursday night, kind of odd I didn't see her when I was doing recon last week.  For some reason, I'm so nervous just at the mere sight of her, hell, just the mere thought of being near her.  It doesn't make sense, yeah she is very attractive, but my mind already put a zero relations probability on her already.  This shouldn't be happening.  I'll try to talk to her in person sometime.  Hopefully.

Man, I seriously pissed off a lot of people at the Village Market.  One girl, I think, is still pissed off that she over charged me and I told her manager about it. Another guy, tall black guy, is freaked out by me I think.

I have been thinking about Clarissa for several minutes.  Analyses of interactions between me and her indicates that she might have thought I wasn't paying attention/listening to her because I was trying to limit eye contact when she was sitting next to me.

Note to self: I seriously need to workout, I can't hide under the facade of being buff forever.
Note to self 2: Don't not be afraid to look a woman in the eye when sitting next to them, don't be afraid to get physically close to a woman, make moderate eye contact with women, monitor facial expressions.

Update: It's Friday morning and I saw Julia again at the Market.  She seems pretty much wants to avoid me.  When I was about to line up, she would go behind the other register.  Nonetheless, I need to apologize in person.

The situation with Bryce is deteriorating.  I keep forgetting to sit up straight and tilt my head upwards to greet.  He seems freaked out by me.  My reformation program isn't going as well as I am hoping.

Note to self 3: Remember to tilt head to greet.

Jeremy and Phoebe

I met another person today.  His name is Jeremy and he is from the Village's building 1.  I'm sure meeting a lot of people around lately.  My conversation was brief, but normal I guess, however I noticed that I'm not too enthusiastic to meet new people.  I should modify that.  The situation in regards to Phoebe is complicated.  She now comes down to say hi before going to take her seat.  I guess she's trying to rekindle our friendship, but I'm not really sure if I could trust her.  Her psychological profile states that she is one of those type A personality types and she did see me as competition in the past.  She might be trying to get close to me to screw me over.  I hope that isn't the case.  I'll be careful around her.

On another note, I've been going through the mental records of the interactions between Julia and I.  I think she is an NF due to her being able to figure out why I was pissed off at her in the past, and she let her emotions dictate her actions.  I cannot determine if she is a P or a J and E/I is pretty much 50/50.  I need further observations.

Note to self:  Be more enthusiastic when meeting people.

Julia

I finally did it, I managed to give the note to one of Julia's coworkers last night.  I hope it managed to reach her.  I kept trying to apologize to Julia in person, but I noticed that she will move behind the bakery display the moment I enter the store, she must really hate my guts.  Honestly, I don't blame her, the way I acted was just plain stupid.  Hopefully, everything will be better.

Eric of building 1

I met a new person today in the laundry room, the guy's name is Eric and he's from building 1.  Apparently he's an econ major too and he's taking Noel for his 100A class, poor guy.  We talked for a while and while he was talking I noticed that his eye movements signaled that he was nervous around me.  Jesus Christ, I keep screwing this crap up.  The conversation went pretty decent though.  The chances that I will ever have close male friends is now declared low.  I must modify my behavior even further.

On another note, I just watched Criminal Minds, I was hoping to see Shannon again doing her laundry, it didn't happen.  I think I saw Connie the other day when I was in the courtyard doing work on the metal table.  She might have yelled to Shannon to tell her to come out, I'm not sure though.  Sigh.  I'm starting to wonder if the INTJ that posted the thread was right, maybe I shouldn't modify myself

Note to self:  Limit eye contact with everyone, only make eye contact sparingly.

A message in a bottle

I saw this posting today on intjforum.com:

http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=42408

I guess other INTJs are trying to fit in too.  I'm guessing they either quit or failed based on that post.  Nevertheless, I remain unwaivering in my goal of changing myself.  This is about survival, not about being comfortable in being who I am.  When I was younger, I was bullied a lot and I pushed myself to be stronger, faster, smarter, and tougher in order to survive.  It was painful and uncomfortable, but it was needed to be done, and now I need to survive again.  The chances of me getting married based on my current personality is slim to none, so I must modify it to get married, to survive.  I am determined and I am relentless, this goal will be accomplished or I'll die trying.

On another note, I talked with Victor, my building's RA, today.  Conversation between me and him was normal for the most part, but I forgot to smile.  I sensed that he was kind of unnerved by my behavior.  Speaking of unnerved, I noticed that my TA, Sabina, was shaken was she saw me.  I have to talk to her about that.

Note to self:  Communication is key to good relations and good relationships.  If possible, try to join larger groups so I'll stay out of the spotlight.

Relations terminated

I saw Phoebe today in Econ 100C.  She tapped on my shoulder and said hi, her facial expression was NOT happy.  My intuition was correct, she did see me delete her from my address book.  It doesn't matter now, what's done is done.  I can finally move on with my life.  One less "friend" to worry about.

I don't know if I should continue this "Reformation Program" any more.  I'm purging and purging, but I'm not gaining at all.  I still stumble and stutter like an idiot around women I find attractive, and people are still freaked out by me.  Speaking of freaked out, I think Bryce is kind of spooked by me, he seems to be trying to avoid me.  It doesn't matter, I seldom see him anyway.  Interactions between Eric and I are going well, just small talk here and there.  Also, interactions between Jacob and I going smoothly, we don't talk that much but when we do, there aren't any awkwardness or any other anomalies.  I honestly don't know if I should continue the program.  What if trying to alter myself is big mistake?  What if it makes me even worst off?  I don't know what I should do.

On another note, I can't stop thinking about that female cashier at Oceanview Terrace.  I gave her my ID card, she swiped it, looked at it and said "thank you Jason" while she unblinkingly stared at me out the corner of her eye.  It was odd, I couldn't tell if she was angry at me or something else.  I went through mental records, and there wasn't anything out of the "ordinary" about my behavior.  I smiled and said thank you and went on my way.  Something is really odd here, I need to investigate further.

Note to self:  Modify conversational output, keep conversation rolling, ending a conversation with yeah is rude.

All eyes on me...

It feels like everyone is watching me, it's kind of freaky.  When I walk the streets, I notice that people are staring at me.  When I was at the gym with Andrew, people were just looking at me for some reason.  Today, the cashier girl at Oceanview Terrace was simply staring at me.  Really odd stuff.  First the doppelganger and now the staring, something is going on.

Update:  It's night, and still all eyes on me.  Michael, one of the workers at the Village Market, was staring at me through the window of the office.  Another worker, an Asian girl, was also staring at me I think, I wasn't sure.  Something is definitely up.  Do they and everyone on campus have some sort of rumor about me, I doubt it but it seriously is creeping me out.

RIMAC

Went to the RIMAC with Andrew today and worked out for a bit.  It was nice, but my interaction was far below satisfactory.  I counted at least three occasions in which I might have inadvertently hurt Andrew's feelings.  Is it any surprise that I have no close friends and the few "friends" I do have tend to distance themselves from me?  I can't even go about without annoying my family and relatives.  Lesson learned.  Andrew may be family, but that doesn't give me the right to go about saying stupid shit.  This could have been why Mazza is so distant from me.

Note to self:  Think before saying anything, make sure anything said doesn't hurt others.

Harsh greeting, modify

My standard greeting when asked how things are going is, "Good. You?"  After analyzing several facial responses to this, I realize that this sort of greeting is too direct, too harsh.  People believe that I'm being rude or rushing.  I'll modify my initial response to something else to maybe "Oh it's okay, how about you?"

Update:  I limited my greeting today with a new cashier at the Market, but I may have fucked up on that.  I'll merely soften my Good. You? response.

Note to self:  Modify initial response.

I'm an idiot and an asshole

Getting nostalgic again, and I realized that I'm a fucking asshole and an idiot.  Jesus Christ, I keep acting like a moron and keep pissing off women.  I really gotta stop.  I have to change.

Note to self:  Stop being afraid of women, stop acting like an asshole and an idiot to women.

Growing resentment?

I sense possible growing resentment among my suite mates against me.  Jacob and I seldom talk, it's usually just greet and depart so I sense little from him, but he does seem freaked out by me.  Bryce on the other hand is entirely different.  I sense some a bit of avoidance and resentment against me.  I'm unsure of it though.  Eric is usually his cheerful and outgoing self, but I'm sensing it might be a front.  I really hope I don't have to take strategic action.

Note to self:  Spend more time at dorm and try to network with suite mates.

Active imagination

I have a really active imagination, a side that really wants to be free, a side that wants the world to see how "special" and "amazing" I am.  This is the same imagination that kind of freaks people out.  Gotta stop it.

Note to self: Stop imagining things.

Doppelganger and reflections

Okay, this is kind of freaking me out.  Random people I have never met before keep saying hi and waving to me.  First this girl saw me through my window one night and waved to me, I kept looking at her dumbfounded.  The next day some guy waves to me and I slightly wave back.  I looked behind me to see if he was waving to someone else, he wasn't.  A bunch of servers and cashiers at Oceanview Terrace keep saying, "weren't you here earlier?" or "didn't I tell you to get your card replaced?"  Then this big Asian guy today said hey what's up to me near Geisel Library even though I never met him before.  I simply gave him a confused look and said hi back.  Is there someone on campus who looks exactly like me?  Really odd stuff is going on.

I've been reflecting back a bit today.  I realize that the relationships I have with others aren't as deep as I want is because I'm the one to push them away.  If I had actually let go of my hatred and vengefulness, Phoebe and I would have had lunch and be closer and this whole avoidance bullshit wouldn't have happened.  The situation with Mazza is a lot more complicated.  If I wasn't so damn weird during the summer when I was living with him, maybe he and I would be closer friends.  Maybe.  He is pretty introverted so I don't know.  I still wish I was closer with my friends in high school.  They wanted me to get on AIM to chat or hang out, but I was too afraid due to the damn anxiety.  And of course with Katherine, sigh, she and I could have been... something.  Looking at the past, I now see my mistakes, hopefully I can change for the future.  Hopefully.  Clean slate, tabula rasa.

Elena and the Goldilocks personality

Met another girl tonight at the laundry room.  Her name is Elena, Russian apparently.  As I stated before that I was very talkative with men and women who I am not attracted to, and this was the case with Elena.  The conversation between me and her was decent and I did not tongue tie nor was I nervous.  Ironically, I talked too much, after a while of conversation, she said, "let's try to get some work done."  Under normal circumstances, I would consider it rude, but I realized she was correct, I did talk too much.  Analyzing my conversation with her, it might have appeared to be like an interrogation to her, too many questions.  Sigh, I'm still thinking about how I fubar'd the conversation with Shannon last night, I wish I was this talkative with her.

I am now trying to find the golden point for my personality and conversations.  A goldilocks zone for personality if you will.  Conversations aren't too long, aren't too short.  A personality that comes off as normal, strong, and sensitive at the same time.

I didn't see Phoebe today at Econ 100C.  She might have seen me delete her from my phone's address book two days ago.  You know, I don't want to be a jerk, but I seriously need a new beginning.  I always helped her when she needed help, but she pretends I don't exist when I needed help.  Good riddance.  If she wants to be friends, I'll confront her about it, she and I will be on equal footing this time.

Note to self:  Modify length of conversations to fit within context of situation.

Breaking down

I think I'm breaking down into my former self.  When I was talking to Shannon, I realized that I didn't smile or anything.  I thought it was due to nervousness, but when I was turning in my card to have it reprinted, I also didn't smile.  I must communicate more.

Note to self:  Smile more often especially to others.

Lost opportunity

God damn it, I chickened out.  I saw Julia but I was too afraid to go in and apologize.  Fuck.

Actual Progress

I just met this very cute girl named Shannon that lives in building 8.  I met her in the laundry room and we talked for a while.  I was scared out of my wits, my hands were sweating, and I actually felt extremely nervous.  I realize now that I am not progressing as far as I thought I was. I may be more talkative around men and women I'm not attracted to, but around girls that I find attractive, I stutter like an idiot.  There's more work to be done.

Limiting eye contact and Julia

I still haven't seen Julia, it's so odd, I seen her during the first week.  I hope she didn't quit, I'm going to write a letter of apology and hand it in to her manager, hopefully it will reach her.

I've decided to limit the amount of eye contact with the TA.  I got the feeling that she is kind of freaked out by it. Despite what I was taught, I will limit my eye contact with the TA from now on.

Progress

Testing on similarminds.com has shown that I am now at 55% introvert, it used to be at 76%.  It's good progress I guess or I just picked answers that would lead to a lower introversion score.

Andrew and I made plans to go to the gym on Sunday.  Hopefully it works out, he needs to work out and I need some company.

There is something odd going on.  It feels like something is latched onto my back, I keep pretending to physically remove it and it helps a bit for a while, but it always comes back eventually.

Remembrance

Did well on the quiz for MGT 5 today, and my packages are arriving.  Good I guess.  Saw Racquel today at Cafe Ventana.  I had a brief conversation with her, but it seems that I kind of rushed it.  Still haven't seen Julia at the market, I must have memorized her time wrong.

I have been thinking about the past today, thinking about all the people I inadvertently hurt.  I just want to apologize to them all.

I'm sorry Katherine, you fell in love with me and I was too much of a coward to say I love you back.  I broke your heart, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Serena Pang, you thought I was angry at you for losing my homework, I never was.  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Susan Hooey, when we were graduating from high school you waved to me and I immediately turned away.  I didn't mean to upset you.  I should have apologized to you when I saw you at CCSF.  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Lea Limbo, I didn't know what came over me.  You were a friend but I treated you like crap.  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Bonnie Cheung.  When you waved I didn't wave back.  I'm sorry.
I'm sorry Jimmy.  I regret all the horrible things I said and done to you over the years.  I lead you down a horrible path.  I promise I'll make it all better.  I'm sorry.

I wish I had cured this social anxiety when I was still with Katherine.  I could be with her right now.  It's been two years but I still miss her.

Progress and Clarissa

It's already eight something at night, it's safe to say that Clarissa has written me off.  My intuition told me that she was on a "manhunt", that is looking for a boyfriend etc.  She saw me as a possible candidate, her behavior and actions told me so, but I told her that I would be here another year after this one.  She was going to try to graduate as soon as possible so I'm guessing she saw it as an incompatibility.  It's understandable that she written me off, I would have become a liability if she didn't.  Anyways, the fact that I was willing to text her instead of waiting shows that I am making progress in fighting off this social anxiety.  Tonight, I was willing to answer the TA instead of waiting for others to answer, even though I was wrong, I felt no fear, regret or hesitation.  Decent progress.

Update:  I think I may have been the one to screw it up.  What if my blank out state when walking made me miss Clarissa?  Ah, damn it, another one loss.

Note to self:  Always be aware of surrounding, and always greet others first.

Maybe we should have lunch sometime...

It started pouring today, fantastic stuff eh?  I didn't receive any text from Clarissa, so I texted several minutes after class.  It wouldn't surprise me if she didn't really mean it about the lunch thing, but why would she ask for my Monday schedule?   Sigh, people always say we should have lunch sometime.  Relations probability declared zero.  Note to self:  DON'T BLANK OUT, ALWAYS SCAN CONSTANTLY, ALWAYS BE AWARE.

Mazza seems to not want to hang out with me anymore.  Seems like I'm losing friends faster than before.  Whatever.  Clean slate, tabula rasa.

Limiting contact

I think Bryce and Jacob are both kind of freaked out by me.  Perhaps limiting contact with them is for the better.  Note to self:  Always stand up straight, smile more, and limit amount of eye contact.

Apologies to Loren

I apologized to Loren today at the market. She's a Hispanic girl that works at the market, last year she was attracted to me and I basically ignored her, I acted like a douche.  She said she doesn't remember, but that one blink, that one hard blink tells me something.  I promise I'll treat her and everyone else better.  Clean slate, tabula rasa.

Alienated

I feel so... alienated.  Bryce, Jacob, and Eric seem to be getting alone very well.  They seem to be very talkative around each other, except around me.  Sigh.  Odd man out.

Yeah, they're getting along fine.  Coming to UCSD was a mistake, should have stayed in San Francisco.

Probabilities and prediction

Reflecting back on Clarissa's situation, I think my chances with her are going to be low.  She was most likely calculating her probabilities too, that is if she was even planning anything.  It's odd, I still can't type Clarissa, she most definitely is an extrovert or else she is a really well disciplined introvert.  I can't really decide whether she is a Thinker or a Feeler.  She did think that I was pissed off at her during Econ 4, but any feeler would have disregarded me after those interactions, perhaps she's borderline T/F.  I'm still wondering what kind of person would just rush out of class like that.  Is she a J or a P, she definitely needed time to think after I told her how the classes were structured.  She's still a mystery, I hope to get to know her better.

Thinking about the future

My mind still crawl with thoughts about the future.  My closest friends have always been people on the fringe of society. Gamers, intellectuals, nerds, geeks and the like, but never those drinking, partying types.  I know that I can never fit in with those drinking, partying types and that is what I fear.  I fear that my future will be filled with those types, I fear that all the gamers, intellectuals, and nerds will be so hidden in the future that I will not only be romantically alone, but also alone in terms of companionship.

I'm sitting here on a Friday night/Saturday morning listening to this raging party that is going on at the Village and listen as people yell and cheer, having the time of their lives.  I know that I can fix myself, I know that I can become more outgoing and more social, but not to the extent that I will become one of those partygoers.  If I do not become like them, will that hurt my future?  Will it limit my chances of meeting and attracting women?  (It's so unfortunate that most women pay most attention to the guy displaying the most "stuff" even though he's most likely a moron.)  Will it limit my chances of getting that promotion because I need to network?  I always help people out and show them I care through acts of kindness, but people will only remember you if you can talk.  It's daunting, knowing that my entire future, career, and life is dependent upon these two years, I pray I can make it.

When I first started this blog, I imagined how this would end.  I imagined that my final post would be my declaration that I would commit suicide.  I don't want it to be like that, I want it to end happily, but the future looks so cloudy.  Anyway, Clarissa wanted to have lunch sometime, I hope she isn't another Phoebe.

Regression

I think I starting to regress back to my shelled shelf.  I think it's due to the possibility of me thinking negative thoughts yesterday.  Either that or watching Fringe makes me regress, and I very much doubt that.  Have to think happy thoughts, otherwise all my progress will be for nothing.

Update:  It's night, and I think I'm definitely regressing.  I got tongue tied several times when talking to Jacob.  I must push harder to fight it.

Update:  INTJ vibe strikes again.  I notified Bryce about two girls that were looking for him.  He was kind of fearful and hesitant, I then knew the vibe struck again.  Note to self:  Look up with my head, not my eyes and stand up straight.

Home Plate

Bryce invited me and Jacob to go to Home Plate with him.  When I got there, I didn't see them so I went back and forth until I found them.  My anxiety kept pushing me, telling me to go back, but I didn't.  My interaction with Bryce was optimal, not the best but decent.  Bryce and his friend kept talking over Jacob.  When Jacob tried to talk to Bryce's friend, he wasn't very friendly.  Poor Jacob.  After we left, I started talking to Jacob about various subjects.  I was tongue tied on several occasions, but overall it was a good conversation.  Note to self: lower reaction response, too high reaction response results in negative perception.

Well it's final, apparently Clarissa dropped the MGT 5 class.  I'm guessing she's dropping the entire accounting minor too.  Sigh.  Even though she dropped the class, she still wants to have lunch with me sometime.  I noticed that she was wearing makeup when she was in class similar to how she wore makeup during the last couple of days of Econ 4.  Could my intuition be correct.  Hmm...

My intuition is telling me that Eric thinks I'm avoiding him.  I'm certainly not, I spend most of my alone.  I'll confront him about it when the time is right.