Right now, I'm sitting in Geisel with tears rolling down my cheeks. I failed, I failed to change who I am and what I am. I've been here for two years, and what have I accomplished? NOTHING, NOTHING at all. I pushed away every girl that was attracted to me. Julie, Julia, Shannon, several others, all gone. I could have been close friends with Ian, Mazza, and many others but I screwed that up too. The other INTJs were right, it's impossible to change what we are, no matter how hard we try. I feared that my fate would be one of isolation and loneliness, but now it's pretty much confirmed. I spent my entire life looking in from the outside and being away from others. When others invite me to join them, I always refused. I was so full of fear and hesitation that I limited myself and any potential social life. Now it's too late to even have one, I cannot even relate to average person. I am now on the very fringe of the fringe. I always thought that others had abandoned me, but now I see the truth, it was I that abandoned them. I realize now that I have no future. I don't know what to do now, except to keep moving. Aimlessly, drifting from place to place. For the time being, I'm putting this project on ice.
Several weeks ago, I brought a small cross necklace to bring about a sense of change, and a sense of peace. Nothing changed. When I first put it on, I felt a sudden relief from all my burdens, but I soon realized that I felt even emptier than before. I don't even know why I thought it would help. When I was younger, I prayed to God to release me from this life, this pain and suffering, but I never received a response. God has forsaken me and the Devil himself has rejected me. I have nothing and I have no one now.
Dean Bailey, if you're reading this, I want to tell you that I've been reading your body language. It seems as though you're apprehensive when you see me. I'm sure you also noticed that we been bumping into each a lot more than what would be expected, I assure you it's purely coincidental. Thank you for caring.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Room Selection Info Section and Other
I went to the room selection info section today. Nothing much happened but seeing all those people laughing and talking about how to sign up their friends to be in the same dorm as them pretty much reminded me how isolated I am. This is the last quarter for everyone I met last year, and Mazza is going to graduate after the summer. It's pretty much back to base one after he is gone. Sigh.
On another note, I saw Stephanie Fried today. She was my TA for Econ 1 and Econ 100B. When I looked at her, she was smiling a wide smile. Was she smiling at me? I don't know, even if she wasn't, I should have smiled back. I violated my previous note to always assume that someone is greeting me.
Self analysis indicates that I'm getting better at conversing with people and maintaining a conversation. That's good, it shows that I'm making progress. On the other hand, I noticed that if I have a "crush" on someone, I immediately quell it and not show any emotion. That's not good. I might have subconsciously adapted and changed my behavior because I thought the whole staring and "crushing" thing was considered offensive by women. I'll never know if Erin R. of Cafe Ventana was ever attracted to me, but if she was, I might have prematurely ended it because I suppressed any sign of attraction that night.
Update: Talked to Mazza about living together during the summer again. He said, "It shouldn't be that boring this time around, we'll see." Wow, thanks man, after helping you with your homework, you just toss me aside like that. Maybe this whole isolation thing isn't that bad after all.
Note to self: If you have a "crush" on someone, show it through body language, do not suppress it. Never ignore people. NEVER IGNORE WOMEN.
On another note, I saw Stephanie Fried today. She was my TA for Econ 1 and Econ 100B. When I looked at her, she was smiling a wide smile. Was she smiling at me? I don't know, even if she wasn't, I should have smiled back. I violated my previous note to always assume that someone is greeting me.
Self analysis indicates that I'm getting better at conversing with people and maintaining a conversation. That's good, it shows that I'm making progress. On the other hand, I noticed that if I have a "crush" on someone, I immediately quell it and not show any emotion. That's not good. I might have subconsciously adapted and changed my behavior because I thought the whole staring and "crushing" thing was considered offensive by women. I'll never know if Erin R. of Cafe Ventana was ever attracted to me, but if she was, I might have prematurely ended it because I suppressed any sign of attraction that night.
Update: Talked to Mazza about living together during the summer again. He said, "It shouldn't be that boring this time around, we'll see." Wow, thanks man, after helping you with your homework, you just toss me aside like that. Maybe this whole isolation thing isn't that bad after all.
Note to self: If you have a "crush" on someone, show it through body language, do not suppress it. Never ignore people. NEVER IGNORE WOMEN.
MGT131B
I had MGT131B class yesterday and as predicted, Julia was there. No facial expression indication that she's still attracted to me. Sigh, I screwed up so badly during approach, I'm not surprised that she lost interest. I should have never played with her heart and never have half-assed displaying affection. I have to get over it and move on.
What the hell is wrong with me? For some reason, every time I think back to the time where she turned her head and gave that I'm-better-than-you look, I kept thinking about how it affected me. Really? Seriously? Why would I keep thinking about myself when it affected her so badly? Could it be because deep down inside, I'm a narcissistic douche? More lessons to be learned. Move on.
Note to self: Don't be a narcissistic idiot, you are not special. Don't be so insecure. Never half-ass a courtship attempt and always be willing to show affection, it's all or nothing.
What the hell is wrong with me? For some reason, every time I think back to the time where she turned her head and gave that I'm-better-than-you look, I kept thinking about how it affected me. Really? Seriously? Why would I keep thinking about myself when it affected her so badly? Could it be because deep down inside, I'm a narcissistic douche? More lessons to be learned. Move on.
Note to self: Don't be a narcissistic idiot, you are not special. Don't be so insecure. Never half-ass a courtship attempt and always be willing to show affection, it's all or nothing.
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Jimmy
Spring break is practically over and this week felt like the longest week I ever experienced. Returning to San Francisco was good, I got some time off to reflect and I got to see my family again. I was especially happy to see my little brother Jimmy again.
My little brother Jimmy is an INFJ. I got him to take the MBTI during the winter break so that I could understand his mindset better. Even though he's my brother, I always felt distant from him, not because I push him away, but because he pushes me away. I don't blame him though, considering the type of hell I put him through when he was younger.
My parents always saw me as the shining star among my family and relatives. Jimmy, on the other hand, was more carefree, outgoing and wasn't as academically disciplined as I was. I wanted him to do better, to become better, even better than I am. I wanted him to be faster, stronger, smarter, tougher, and more disciplined than I was so I subjected him to the horrors I went through. I went through hell when I was younger, and despite the daily barrage of shit thrown at me, I kept pushing on. I destroyed every opposition that stood against me and made me virtually unstoppable. I recognized that it made me stronger so I subjected Jimmy to the same thing. I became his bully, his tormentor, his opposition that needed to be crushed. But I went too far. At the time, I didn't realize that the other kids at his school was teasing him too. He was tortured at school and when he came home, I tortured him. One day he broke down and yelled, "Why don't I just commit suicide?!" It was then that I knew and understood the damage I had done.
My stupid idea didn't make him better, it made him worst. His grades dropped, he went from an extrovert to an introvert, he hated going to new places and experiencing new things, he hated the world and I made him that way. I took him down the same path that I'm walking, the same dark, lonely path that leads to oblivion. I took away his future and his life. He could be a normal, happy, outgoing college student right now that is experiencing the things normal people experience, but I took it away from him. Ever since I realized the damage I done, I have been wracked with guilt. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, and sit next to him while he's asleep and apologize to him for what I done. Even as I write this entry, I couldn't stop crying knowing that I took away his future. I hate myself for what I done, and what I am. I failed as a brother and I should die for my crimes, and someday, I will.
There is still a glimmer of hope. That one letter, the F, instead of a T in his personality type will allow him to succeed where I failed. I used to see his constant online game playing as a waste of time, but I noticed that he can easily make tons of friends in a matter of weeks. I could play for months and I wouldn't have any contacts. That ability, the ability to relate and connect with others, will allow Jimmy to go far beyond what I am now. Since my realization, I have done everything in my power to undo the damage I have done and make his life better. Even so, he is still distant and doesn't really trust me. I understand and I don't blame him. Perhaps other people can sense what a horrible monster I am, and that is why I'm always the outsider, if so, then my isolation is when deserved.
Note to self: Devote resources to Jimmy, ensure his survival.
My little brother Jimmy is an INFJ. I got him to take the MBTI during the winter break so that I could understand his mindset better. Even though he's my brother, I always felt distant from him, not because I push him away, but because he pushes me away. I don't blame him though, considering the type of hell I put him through when he was younger.
My parents always saw me as the shining star among my family and relatives. Jimmy, on the other hand, was more carefree, outgoing and wasn't as academically disciplined as I was. I wanted him to do better, to become better, even better than I am. I wanted him to be faster, stronger, smarter, tougher, and more disciplined than I was so I subjected him to the horrors I went through. I went through hell when I was younger, and despite the daily barrage of shit thrown at me, I kept pushing on. I destroyed every opposition that stood against me and made me virtually unstoppable. I recognized that it made me stronger so I subjected Jimmy to the same thing. I became his bully, his tormentor, his opposition that needed to be crushed. But I went too far. At the time, I didn't realize that the other kids at his school was teasing him too. He was tortured at school and when he came home, I tortured him. One day he broke down and yelled, "Why don't I just commit suicide?!" It was then that I knew and understood the damage I had done.
My stupid idea didn't make him better, it made him worst. His grades dropped, he went from an extrovert to an introvert, he hated going to new places and experiencing new things, he hated the world and I made him that way. I took him down the same path that I'm walking, the same dark, lonely path that leads to oblivion. I took away his future and his life. He could be a normal, happy, outgoing college student right now that is experiencing the things normal people experience, but I took it away from him. Ever since I realized the damage I done, I have been wracked with guilt. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, and sit next to him while he's asleep and apologize to him for what I done. Even as I write this entry, I couldn't stop crying knowing that I took away his future. I hate myself for what I done, and what I am. I failed as a brother and I should die for my crimes, and someday, I will.
There is still a glimmer of hope. That one letter, the F, instead of a T in his personality type will allow him to succeed where I failed. I used to see his constant online game playing as a waste of time, but I noticed that he can easily make tons of friends in a matter of weeks. I could play for months and I wouldn't have any contacts. That ability, the ability to relate and connect with others, will allow Jimmy to go far beyond what I am now. Since my realization, I have done everything in my power to undo the damage I have done and make his life better. Even so, he is still distant and doesn't really trust me. I understand and I don't blame him. Perhaps other people can sense what a horrible monster I am, and that is why I'm always the outsider, if so, then my isolation is when deserved.
Note to self: Devote resources to Jimmy, ensure his survival.
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Contact and Interaction
It's been a couple of days since my last post. I keep thinking about how I eventually lose contact with people over time and I realized that the only reason I lose contact with them is because I don't interact enough with them. When I was growing up, I used to have about a dozen or so close friends, and the reason they and I were close is because we interacted on a daily basis. We went to the same class, hang out at the same area during lunch etc., that is what helped us bond. It's the same thing with my engineering classes back in community college. God, only an idiot like me could be so blind to something so obvious.
Note to self: Spend more time with people. Bond more.
Note to self: Spend more time with people. Bond more.
Friday, March 18, 2011
Spring Break, Home, Complacency, and Quarter Review
Spring break has begun. I'm back home here in San Francisco, lying comfortably in bed freezing my ass off. It's good to be back. I never thought I would enjoy the near zero temperatures of San Francisco, but after this quarter I would prefer to be anywhere other than UCSD.
Another quarter has ended and it's time for a quarter review. Let's see what I have accomplished: I pissed off Julia and now she hates me indefinitely. Relations with Abby and Victor is slowly fraying apart. I terminated contact with Building 1 Eric and I have no idea where the hell Bill went. At least relations with Mazza is still decent. It also seems that relations between Jacob and I are improving. Interactions between Eric and I are more natural, and relations with Bryce is starting to thaw. This quarter has been nothing but trouble, nearly every step I taken forward last quarter was undone by this one. I'm pretty much back to square one.
Being back home and lying in bed, doing nothing seems great but I must be conscious of being too comfortable and complacent. I always viewed life through a Darwinistic and Eugenicist lens. Every living organism that have ever existed have survived by being put through hardship, and any animal that gets too comfortable or too settled in their environment will die out. Take the dinosaurs for example, they were the apex predators of their time, but they were too fitted to their environment. All it took was one single event to wipe them out and for the more adaptive small mammals to become the dominant life form. The dodo, the panda, same story there, one died out because it was too comfortable in its environment and the other is dying because it cannot adapt to a changing environment. The same can be said of humans, not humans in general of course because we can adapt to virtually anything, but what I'm talking about is the lone human, the individual. Individuals that become too comfortable in who they are or the situation they are in will eventually become stuck. They cannot adapt, they cannot change and eventually they will perish. This could happen to me. Lying in bed feels so comfortable and my parents want me to move back in after college, but I fear that lying in bed could become my life for the next ten years of my life. If I become too complacent and comfortable then I too will perish. I must face hardships and adapt.
Note to self: Never be comfortable or complacent in what you are or where you are, always face hardship.
Another quarter has ended and it's time for a quarter review. Let's see what I have accomplished: I pissed off Julia and now she hates me indefinitely. Relations with Abby and Victor is slowly fraying apart. I terminated contact with Building 1 Eric and I have no idea where the hell Bill went. At least relations with Mazza is still decent. It also seems that relations between Jacob and I are improving. Interactions between Eric and I are more natural, and relations with Bryce is starting to thaw. This quarter has been nothing but trouble, nearly every step I taken forward last quarter was undone by this one. I'm pretty much back to square one.
Being back home and lying in bed, doing nothing seems great but I must be conscious of being too comfortable and complacent. I always viewed life through a Darwinistic and Eugenicist lens. Every living organism that have ever existed have survived by being put through hardship, and any animal that gets too comfortable or too settled in their environment will die out. Take the dinosaurs for example, they were the apex predators of their time, but they were too fitted to their environment. All it took was one single event to wipe them out and for the more adaptive small mammals to become the dominant life form. The dodo, the panda, same story there, one died out because it was too comfortable in its environment and the other is dying because it cannot adapt to a changing environment. The same can be said of humans, not humans in general of course because we can adapt to virtually anything, but what I'm talking about is the lone human, the individual. Individuals that become too comfortable in who they are or the situation they are in will eventually become stuck. They cannot adapt, they cannot change and eventually they will perish. This could happen to me. Lying in bed feels so comfortable and my parents want me to move back in after college, but I fear that lying in bed could become my life for the next ten years of my life. If I become too complacent and comfortable then I too will perish. I must face hardships and adapt.
Note to self: Never be comfortable or complacent in what you are or where you are, always face hardship.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Greetings and Salutations
Finally finished with finals and I can now go home. Something's been bothering me today, it seems as though people aren't that happy to greet me. When I say hi back after they greet, they immediately break eye contact or don't make eye contact at all. Strange. I think that this is due to me not being so happy to greet them, well, it's not that I'm not happy to greet them, but rather it's hard for me to express it. Gonna have to change that.
Note to self: Be more expressive, be more happier when greeting people. Make and establish contact with everyone.
Note to self: Be more expressive, be more happier when greeting people. Make and establish contact with everyone.
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