Spring break is practically over and this week felt like the longest week I ever experienced. Returning to San Francisco was good, I got some time off to reflect and I got to see my family again. I was especially happy to see my little brother Jimmy again.
My little brother Jimmy is an INFJ. I got him to take the MBTI during the winter break so that I could understand his mindset better. Even though he's my brother, I always felt distant from him, not because I push him away, but because he pushes me away. I don't blame him though, considering the type of hell I put him through when he was younger.
My parents always saw me as the shining star among my family and relatives. Jimmy, on the other hand, was more carefree, outgoing and wasn't as academically disciplined as I was. I wanted him to do better, to become better, even better than I am. I wanted him to be faster, stronger, smarter, tougher, and more disciplined than I was so I subjected him to the horrors I went through. I went through hell when I was younger, and despite the daily barrage of shit thrown at me, I kept pushing on. I destroyed every opposition that stood against me and made me virtually unstoppable. I recognized that it made me stronger so I subjected Jimmy to the same thing. I became his bully, his tormentor, his opposition that needed to be crushed. But I went too far. At the time, I didn't realize that the other kids at his school was teasing him too. He was tortured at school and when he came home, I tortured him. One day he broke down and yelled, "Why don't I just commit suicide?!" It was then that I knew and understood the damage I had done.
My stupid idea didn't make him better, it made him worst. His grades dropped, he went from an extrovert to an introvert, he hated going to new places and experiencing new things, he hated the world and I made him that way. I took him down the same path that I'm walking, the same dark, lonely path that leads to oblivion. I took away his future and his life. He could be a normal, happy, outgoing college student right now that is experiencing the things normal people experience, but I took it away from him. Ever since I realized the damage I done, I have been wracked with guilt. I used to wake up in the middle of the night, and sit next to him while he's asleep and apologize to him for what I done. Even as I write this entry, I couldn't stop crying knowing that I took away his future. I hate myself for what I done, and what I am. I failed as a brother and I should die for my crimes, and someday, I will.
There is still a glimmer of hope. That one letter, the F, instead of a T in his personality type will allow him to succeed where I failed. I used to see his constant online game playing as a waste of time, but I noticed that he can easily make tons of friends in a matter of weeks. I could play for months and I wouldn't have any contacts. That ability, the ability to relate and connect with others, will allow Jimmy to go far beyond what I am now. Since my realization, I have done everything in my power to undo the damage I have done and make his life better. Even so, he is still distant and doesn't really trust me. I understand and I don't blame him. Perhaps other people can sense what a horrible monster I am, and that is why I'm always the outsider, if so, then my isolation is when deserved.
Note to self: Devote resources to Jimmy, ensure his survival.
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