Vibram

I ran a mile today in eight minutes on one of those treadmills at the RIMAC.  I bought a pair of Vibram Five Fingers about a month ago because people were saying they're comfortable and helps you run faster/fix your posture.  I guess they were right, I managed to beat my high school mile run time by nearly a minute even though I weigh more now than I did back then.

Dominance in Conversations

Last week I went to the career center to talk to a counselor about my resume.  She kept on talking and talking, never stopping once.  All I could get in were some questions and ahuh, and head nods.  It seems like I don't interact that well with people who talk a lot.  They throw so much out there, so fast that I simply cannot think of something decent to say.  I believe that I interact the best with someone who about half extrovert and half introvert.  That way, they're not spouting out random boring stuff and I can actually interact with them.  I believe that this was the reason Katherine and I got along so well when she and I met.  She wasn't super outgoing nor was she super shy and quiet.  She and I bonded quite nicely cumulating up to her telling me that she was in love with me.  And then I blew it.  Sigh.

Anyway, speaking of Katherine, I stated that I've gone through the memories of me and her together and analyzed the variables that allowed me to get along so well with her before.  I thought I had gone through every variable, but I realized that I did not go through variations of those variables.  Initially I thought that working in the hospital and being surrounded by a whole bunch of women made me relaxed around her, but that wasn't it, that wasn't the environmental variable I was looking for.  The reason she and I became so close is due to the lack of external forces.  When she and I worked together, all the nurses were off doing their own thing, leaving Katherine and I alone.  There also wasn't much work to do so the only thing she and I did was socialize.  I think this is it, I think I found out what is needed for me to get close to someone.  Now, how am I going to make this happen?  Hmm.

Don't Panic!

The answer is 42.

Note to self:  Be normal, act normal.

I've Lost the Ability to Make Friends

I saw Bill Ma today.  I was walking, blanked out again even though I promised myself not to do so, and saw him  walking towards me.  He then walked to the side to avoid me.  I don't blame him.  The few times I saw him last quarter, I could barely recognize him and because of that, I never said hi or anything.  Despite losing a potential friend, I feel... nothing.  Have I spent so much time alone that I no longer feel the need for interaction with others?  Is it no longer a need or rather being no longer able to do so?  I spent two and a half years at community college and became more an more socially isolated over time.  Even though I was with some of my friends there, I just felt lost.  Something within me just simply broke.  I want to make friends, but it seems like I just can't.  Sigh, these remaining 10 years of my life is going to be very, very lonely.

Note to self:  Be more active in maintaining friends and contact with them.  Always greet others first.

Addendum:  Two days ago, I was normal, so normal that I realized that I was normal.  Then something happened, I felt something happened and now I'm socially awkward again.  What the hell.  Is my brain resetting itself?

Good, Now Release Your Anger...

When I was screwed over last year by my roommates and their friends, I thought to myself that this was going to be a repeat of what happened in middle school.  What if the reason I am so emotional, so angry and vindictive is because subconsciously, I did not want my experience in middle school to happen all over again.

When I was in middle school, I was teased, bullied and rejected by the "popular" kids.  I was so desperate to be liked that I constantly forgave them and pretended like nothing ever happened to be accepted by them.  Perhaps  I'm now lashing out at all perceived enemies because I don't what that to happen again.  Maybe she was right and I didn't allow myself to feel anger, and now it's all coming out.

On another note, it seems that people don't like it when I eye track them.  Should stop that.

Addendum:  I received a email message from my homeroom teacher back in high school.  It's nothing much, she was warning that her email was hacked and she sent it out to everyone.  The question is how the heck did she get my email address?  I have no recollection what so ever of me giving it to her.  Weird.

Note to self:  Don't eye track them.

Showing Some Skin and Relaxation

I went to Ross at La Jolla Village Square today to buy some clothes.  Couldn't find anything that I like.  I've been studying the type of clothes that the "normal" guys wear at UCSD in other to find a type of style that will help me fit in more.  What I found is that the males at UCSD usually wear the following:

1. Baseball cap, sunglasses (sometimes), wifebeater/hoodie, jeans, brand name sneakers
2. Shorts, sandals, polo shirt/"wovens"
3. UCSD hoodie/sweater, jeans, sandals/sneakers

Honestly I don't know which style to choose.  Right now, I'm wearing tucked in polo and khakis and it makes look way older than I am.  I did try the woven at Ross, and it just didn't feel right.  I don't know why, but it seems like I don't like to show any skin.  I'm all wrapped up from head to toe every even when it's scorching hot outside.  I have read various theories before about how we think affects how we act.  Could the reason I'm always wrapped up, unwilling to show any skin is because of defensiveness and insecurity?  I thought about this before and thought about going to class wearing khaki shorts, pretty much what most guys do, but I kept calling it off again and again.  I just feel uncomfortable doing so.  Hmm, that's something to think about.

I also visited BestBuy to check out the new Blackberry Playbook.  I''ve been eyeing that thing since it was first announced and I finally got to play with it.  Nice little device.  A sales associate walked up to me and asked how I was doing, I said, "good, you?", she immediately averted her eyes and talked to another customer.  I spooked her, I forgot to do the smile, widening eyes thing.  It seems as though I modified my behavior for only within UCSD, and not for interacting with people outside.  I don't know if that even make sense.  Still, gotta modify it.

On another note, several months ago I wrote about how the Middle East uprisings, the "Arab Spring" revolution, may be a precursor to pan-Arab nationalism, and I might be right.  Recent news reports indicate that Egypt is opening its border with Israel, possibly opening a supply line for Hamas, ending a three decade agreement, and there are reports of Christian churches being burned.  Another report I found today,

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/ml_israel_palestinians#mwpphu-container seems to support what I initially thought.  Interesting times, we live in.

Note to self:  Always stand up straight, widen eyes and smile when greeting someone, no matter where you or they are located.

The Bucket List

Given the realization that I have most likely failed my objective, I have decided to tell my family that I'm planning to commit suicide once I reach 35 if I'm not married by then.  I'm not sure if I should though, my parents will most likely freak out, but I think my little brother will understand.  He's an INFJ and he wishes that he was never born.  If I'm not going to tell my parents, I should at least tell him.  He will understand.  For the last year or so I've been telling my little brother that he should socialize more and make more friends, but he refuses to listen.  I'm going to explain to him that the reason I want him to change is because I don't want him to end up like me, I want him to live a good life.

I have already planned, since I was 16, of what to do if I were in a situation like this.  I will cobble all the financial resources I can get my hands on and invest it in ways that will help my family.  I'm going to write out a plan of how the world will proceed to guide my family.  That's all I can do now, plan, execute, wait for my demise.

On another note, I saw Dean Bailey again.  I did the meet and greet with her and she asked if I was going to Sun God.  I smiled and answered no, all she gave was a hmm and left.  What does that hmm mean?  Is she screwing with me?