Serious man is serious, and steps of INTJ attraction

Horrible weekend, computer broke and I spent several hours fixing it.  Anyway, I think I managed to identify the steps of how an INTJ experiences attraction, a "crush" if you will.  Those steps are:

• Initial attraction
• See if "target" reciprocates interest
• Reconnaissance/Study/Gather information on "target"
• Analysis of information to determine long term relationship potential.
• Take action based upon analysis or take no action if analysis indicates negative scenarios

That's it, those are the steps of how an INTJ experiences attraction.  I managed to derive such steps not just based upon personal experience but from information gathered on forums on how other INTJs react when they experience attraction.  Right now, reconnaissance and analysis are the ones that take up the most time, causing the "target" to lose interest.  I'm going to try to reduce that time.

On another note, I was right about how negative thoughts could affect outward behavior.  I keep having doubtful and negative thoughts causing me to never smile.  I need to be less serious.

Note to self:  Reduce reconnaissance and analysis time and be less serious.

Inverted Personality and Relationships

I'm still pouring over old mental records and I've located something odd concerning my behavior.  When I'm attracted to someone, it seems as though I turn into a super feely-need-to-be-hugged-show-me-affection type of person.  I don't know why I do that, but I simply do.  When the person I'm attracted to doesn't show the level of affection I want, I become disappointed and start to lose interest even though I know they are still attracted to me.  It doesn't make any sense at all.  Why does my personality do a 180 when I could potentially enter a relationship?  Turning into a super feeler will only screw things up because I simply don't know how to act.  My mind is one crazy and mysterious thing

Escapism and Addiction

I've been spending the last week or so playing Mass Effect 2 on my PC.  It's a lot of fun, and it helps me relax.  It helps me escape from the mundane tasks of everyday life, but how much is too much though?  When I was younger, video games were my life, my escape from the world.  It helped me push aside and suppress the pain and loneliness I felt at school.  Video games were my chance to escape from the real world and pretend to be something different, something better.  I became addicted to it.  With only a couple of clicks, I could become anything I want.  I could be a Jedi knight slaughtering the Sith.  I could be a fighter pilot that can destroy an entire air force or I could be a space marine that will save the galaxy.  Anything I wanted to be, I could be.  These were merely distractions.  My addiction to video games helped me delay facing the problems I have in reality, and because of it, I'm underdeveloped emotionally, psychologically and socially.  Since the whole Valentine's day blues and thinking about Dr. Hu, I've been looking towards my games to escape.  I'm not going to do that anymore.  I realize now that games will merely distract and waste my money.  It's time to stop living a fake life and deal my real life's problems.

Note to self:  Stop playing games, don't waste money on games, deal with reality.

Truth, Regrets, and Reaffirmation

I'm a failure, that is the truth.  I failed at everything that mattered in life.  I fail at establishing and maintaining any relationships.  I had so many friends back in high school, but I failed to maintain contact with them.  They wanted  me to hang out, chat, play online games with them, but I always refused due to fear.  Stupid, stupid, stupid!  I fail at establishing any romantic relationship.  The closest thing to one was a summer emotional fling, and when she finally told me she was in love with me, I simply walked away because of my fear, uncertainty, and indecisiveness.  Idiot, moron, imbecile!  I had so many chances at a relationship, but I always screw it up somehow.  I blew it, I blew my chances at a decent life, a normal life.  Thinking about Dr. Hu's life made me imagine myself in her position and I couldn't sleep last night because of it.  Deep down inside, I know that my chances of ending up in her position is extremely high.  No, not even in her position, at least she accomplished a lot academically and professionally.  I am nothing.

God, why can't my life end.  If it wasn't for my family, and my strong sense of duty and obligation towards them, I would've ended my own life a long time ago.

This man saw the truth, the light, and the darkness that was descending upon him, so he decided to end it.
http://cutedeadguys.net/showthread.php?9713-21-year-old-man-from-Sweden-hangs-himself-on-webcam
Someday I might be like Dr. Hu, and when that happens, I'll be him.

Addendum to objectives:    Gather financial resources for family, keep modifying behavior, develop stronger personality and interests.  If you are not married by 35, terminate yourself.

Remembrance

Going back over this little blog which I started about five months ago made me start thinking about the people who lost their chance.  I'm here, now, trying to change myself so that I may have a future, so that I may start a family of my own someday.  But trying to accomplish this task has reminded me of the people who were once young and lost their chance at a good life.  During my time at City College of San Francisco, I met a number of teachers who lament their lost youth and the opportunities that went with it.  One of my former teachers come to mind, Dr. Karin Hu, my former psychology teacher.

Dr. Karin Hu was my psychology teacher for the summer semester of 2008.  Through her, I learned more about psychology in that one semester than I could hope to anywhere else.  She is a fantastic teacher, an amazing lecturer, and an amazing person.  Unfortunately, underneath such a great personality lies a story of sadness and loneliness.  

All of the information I have on her is from memory, information that she told the class throughout the quarter.  She's currently in her late 50s, and her family and her arrived in the United States from China before the 1950s.  Not exactly the best time for a minority, especially an Asian one.  Her father was one of the first Chinese to settle and do business outside of Chinatown.  She used to talk about how her dad's store was spat upon by passing people.  I cannot even begin to imagine the pain and loneliness that she felt, being the only one of her kind in school, work etc.  I guess her past haunted her throughout her life because she once talked about how she only lost her virginity when she was 30 years old.  When she mentioned that, I could see the sadness and pain on her face.  She knew that she was not wanted, not chased after by men, and was alone.  Still alone.  She never married.  She has friends and a small dog named Doni, that she would bring to class everyday.  That's all she has now.  She went to UC Berkeley and majored in Art for her undergraduate degree and later went to Cornell and another Ivy league school for her masters and PHD in optics.  A truly amazing woman, absolutely brilliant but overeducated and alone.  During my last day in her class, as everyone was turning in their finals, she was looking at everyone with a desperate look.  She was hoping for acknowledgement, someone to show they care, no one did.  Even the students that she often joked around with simply left.  But I cared.  When I turned in my final, I smiled and waved goodbye.  I saw her again one last time the next semester. I looked at her, but I didn't know if she recognized me since she was wearing sunglasses.  I didn't greet her, and then she was gone.

Here's to you Dr. Hu.  You are not alone, I will always remember you.

Shyness and Self Confidence

I lack self confidence.  I'm confident in my intellectual, academic, and physical abilities, but when it comes to relationships with people, I'm basically a stuttering moron that can't do anything.  Paralysis by analysis is what people call it.  I'm constantly doubting myself and analyze every little detail of everything that I do.  I'm still pouring over the data gained by my interaction with Julia and several other girls in the past, and every single time I screwed myself over.  I kept wondering what is she thinking, what is she doing, what am I doing and how will she react.  By the time I take action, I already lost my chance.  Katherine, Julia, Julie, Shannon, different girls every time, but always the same story on my end.  They were interested and attracted to me, but I always screw it up. Why do I lack self confidence?  Why am I shy?  Is it due to the bullying by girls I experienced in the past?  Is it because I don't have experience in relationships so I refuse to jump in?  That wouldn't make sense, I lack experience in many fields but I jumped in and learned.  I just don't get it, I just don't understand.

Addendum:  It's been about two hours since I initially wrote this.  I did a bit more digging and I realize that the time frame I think in is too long term.  I also realize that I'm too "formal" and too "professional".  I also believe that I need to make time for people.  I need to modify that.

Note to self:  Be more confident, eliminate shyness and indecisiveness.  Think short term, not long term and be more relaxed and casual, go with the flow.  Always make time for people.  Be more expressive of emotions and affection toward others.

Change of Style

It's said that it is the clothes that make the man and I agree.  The way a person dress tells a lot about that person and I think I need to change the way I dress.  The way I dress right now is to wear a jacket, khakis with a belt and sandals.  It is adequate but I think I need to change it up a bit.  I keep getting the feeling that people think I'm a lot older than I am due to the way I dress.  I look mature and disciplined which is great, but it attracts a lot of often unwanted and few desired attention from people. I have been analyzing the dress patterns of the general male population around campus for the last two years, and I honestly can't decide what type of style I should choose.  The style that the males around campus tend to range from the average to the absolute bizarre.  There are guys around campus that wear pants that look so tight, I wouldn't be surprised if they end up being infertile.  Then of course you have the average southern california look, shorts, sandals, and t-shirt.  I can pull that off, but I absolutely hate the feeling of vulnerability I feel by wearing only a t-shirt.  I've been thinking about going to that surf shop on library walk to see what they have, but I doubt I'll find anything.  What to wear, what to wear?  Hmm.  I guess I'll keep the whole business casual, golf shirt thing going for now.