Cold Reception

It's been a shitty week.  I screwed up things with Stephanie, bombed my midterms and I found out my shoes have freaking holes in it.  To cap it off, I might have accidentally pissed off Greg.  Oh boy, life sure is wonderful. Every time I come back, I'm greeted by a cold reception by my roommates.  I'm not surprised nor am I upset considering how much time I spend alone.  I wish the best to them for next quarter won't be that much different.  Good luck guys.

Stephanie, Misanthropy

I saw OVT Stephanie today working the cashier station.  When she said hi, she didn't even make eye contact.  I'm guessing she's upset at me too.  Sigh.  It might have been because I didn't say hi to her several weeks ago.  I didn't say hi because she was talking to someone and I didn't want to bother her.  Fucking hell, I'm an idiot.  Another loss, gotta keep moving.  I'm tired of this shit, the stupid little nuances that is involved in social interaction with people, it's so complex and subtle that it's driving me insane.  One part of me wants to be a part of humanity, but another part simply wants to hide away because of the amount of bullshit I have to deal with.  I want to give up, but I can't, I must keep moving.

Due to the amount of insanity I have to deal with, I noticed that my misanthropy have increased significantly since I started this project.  I've isolated myself more and more, I tend to notice the little quirks and ticks of various people and tend to be annoyed by it.  I'm finding solitude to be more of a necessity rather than a want.  Maybe this is how the rest of my life is going to be.

Note to self:  Say hi to people even if they or you are busy.  Smile by widening eyes.

The End Of The World

News popped up today that it was Italy is going to be pretty much screwed by their financial problems.  Apparently once their interest rates pass 7%, it would be impossible for them to pay down their debt.  The Eurozone is possibly screwed, and so might the entire world's economy if it does go down.  A part of me is freaking out thinking about the possible economic implications, but another part of me is absolutely happy that the world is going straight to hell.  If it does happen then the entire world will know how I felt back when I was younger, the whole world will feel what it's like to be kicked in the teeth while they're down.  It's selfish, it's schadenfreude.

Hopefully, my plans will work out.  Since I was screwed over at a young age, I realized back then that the only person I can rely on is myself when it comes to survival, and I knew shit like what the world is facing right now would go down eventually.  I made plans left and right throughout the last several years and I hope they will work out.  My parents have listened to some and implemented them, which worked out well, but they won't implement resource intensive ones.  Once I have graduated and working, hopefully I'll have enough cash to implement my other projects; solar panels, greenhouses, the whole shebang.  Ironic that my crappy childhood is going to help my family and I survive the next decade or two.

Another thought crossed my mind today, it was one about Raquel.  Thinking back, I may have accidentally made her upset when we saw each other at the market.  She wished me a safe trip and I went to grab a soda, when I looked back, she was upset.  I didn't think much of it at the time, but I realize now maybe that's why she wasn't as talkative the last few times I saw her.  Fucking hell, I'm an asshole and a stupid one at that.  Raquel, wherever you are, I'm sorry.

Shallow

An old friend of mine contacted me through facebook a few days ago.  It was great to talk to him again and it came as a complete surprise to me.  However, it always seem like that after one message they completely ignore me.  It was the same thing my old friend.  He asked how I was doing and I responded, I asked him how he was doing and it there was... nothing, no response whatsoever.  Sigh.  I always that my relationships with other people were shallow, never anything deep even back when I was able to comfortably socialize with others.  I don't blame them, I blame myself for never making a deeper connection.  Now that I want to, I doubt can any more.

Yeah, Me Neither

I now know why I keep repeating what Julie said a long time ago.  She said, "I don't really like Jason" and I keep repeating it because it was the truth.  She spoke the truth, the truth about what others felt about me and I keep repeating it because it's how I feel about myself, I don't like me either.

15th Floor and Repeating Signal

I went to this grad school info session last night on the fifteenth floor of the Village west tower.  Simply amazing, the view up there was breathtaking and the rooms up there looked like it just opened up.  Sadly, the career services center person never showed up, too bad.  At least there was free Subway, so it was free dinner for the night.  Darvarsh was also there, I got a glimpsed at him a bit and I stared off into the distance.  I think he waved bye to me as he was leaving.  Why didn't I say bye?  I don't get it.  It's like how I was back when I first started.  Am I starting to regress again?

Ever since Julie left, I've been replaying to myself what she said a long time ago, "I don't really like Jason", over and over again to myself.  She's gone, there's nothing I can do, it was my fault, it's time to let go.  I hope I can let go.

Note to self:  Maintain good relations with everyone, know when to stop a conversation.

Marine

I was doing some reading in the laundry tonight, as usual, and this little dude came in and started talking to me.  He said he's a marine, a data marine specifically, and he's one of the strangest guys I have ever met.  He went on and on about that wikileaks guy and stuff about JFK.  Both hilarious and strange at the same time.  My conversation with him, more like a monologue on his part, was well and based on recorded body language, that was fine too.  I did noticed however that I delayed waving goodbye to his friend when he waved to me.  I should fix that.

Note to self:  Wave response faster when people wave to you.