Sun God Festival

Today, on 5/13/11, is Sun God Festival.  For extroverts, it's a dream come true, for introverts, it's a fucking nightmare.  Loud noises, loud people, God, I just can't take it.  Last year, I spent the entire fucking day walking around campus trying to find a quiet area.  The library was closed and every square foot of the campus was swarming with people.  I didn't stay in my dorm because there was a whole bunch of people over.  I thought there wouldn't be people here this time but apparently Bryce invited a whole bunch of people over.  Goddamnit Bryce, this place is small enough as is, why the fuck do you have to invite a dozen people over?  Don't you have somewhere else to go?  God, this is going to be a long, long day.

On another note, these ear plugs with NRR rating of 33 is damn good.  14 dollars for several dozen, well worth the cash.

It is as I feared...

It is as I feared, the universe has gotten tired of me constantly pushing away people and now there is no one left. It's really odd, since I bought the cross necklace and wore it, it seems as though people are even more afraid of me than before.  Why is that?  On the  first day I put it on, I felt a force, a sort of energy leaving my body.  What was it?  It doesn't matter now.  It's been two years and I have done absolutely nothing.  College is the most important time for finding someone and I pushed them all away.  I now accept my fate and await my end.

Update:  I ate dinner with Mazza tonight, it was nice.  We talked for a bit and our conversation was amazingly normal.  My behavior was normal, our topics were normal, everything absolutely normal.  Sigh, I'm gonna miss him once he graduates.

Update 2:  Just had a conversation with Jacob.  Total bloody mess.  So much for normal.

The Windows to the Soul

Another thread on the INTJ forum popped up concerning the the INTJ vibe.  It's titled INTJ death glare and I realized that it's true, INTJs do have a death glare.  It isn't the vibe that scares the hell out of people, it's the look.  Since the majority of human beings are Sensors rather than Intuitives, it makes since that they would be freaked out by the look.  Even a scientific study from a few years back confirmed that people tend to concentrate mainly on the eyes rather than the whole face.

Keeping this in mind, I have been running an experiment for the last several days involving greeting people.  I would greet/say thank you/goodbye to some people by widening my eyes for about a second and not do that to others.  Their body language and facial expression response have been rather surprising.  Those who I widened my eyes for tend to respond more favorably and happier, those who I did not do it for were freaked out or upset.  For example, there is girl who works at Subway that is always enthusiastic to greet people.  When she handed me my sub, she smiled and I smiled back but I didn't widened my eyes.  Her smile immediately disappeared and she wasn't that enthusiastic seeing me next time.  This revelation is startling.  Something as simple as widening your eyes by several millimeters can drastically affect how people perceive you.  I'm going to keep this in mind.

Facial expression modification:  Widen eyes when greeting/saying thank you/goodbye to people.

Prophets and Madmen

There is something about me that is makes me different than other human beings, and I'm not talking about being an INTJ either.  I'm talking about stuff that dives straight into wacko, tin foil crazy land.  I think I can see bits of the future.  I normally don't believe in this mumbo jumbo, but it has happened too many times for me to ignore.

When I was younger, I was almost hit by a car, but managed to dodge it because a little voice in my head told me to stop.  There were many instances where I would dream about certain events and they would take place several weeks or months later.  Sadly, several years ago, when I was still with Katherine, I had a voice tell me of my fate.  It said if I chose to be with her, I would live an average life, but married, and if I didn't, I will be rich but lonely.  I came to UCSD, I made my choice.  I help manage my parents' stock account and nearly every prediction about ups and downs have come true.  Even my own financial investment is about to pay off.  That's the wealth part.  I'm slowly gaining the skills to be financially well off, but I have not established a fulfilling and meaningful relationship besides the one with Mazza.  Even then, it's pretty much at a distance.  It's done, my fate could possibly have been sealed before it began.  I made my choice and now I have to live with it.

No fate but what we make.  I wish that was true.

Addendum:  Thinking back to that time where I almost got hit by a car makes me wonder if I should have been killed that day.  I wish I was.

Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave.

All my plans, all my "strategic" thinking, they always backfire, they always end up blowing up in my face.  I now sit here alone at 2 in morning realizing that I have done nothing in the last two years.  Did I make any friends?  I made one.  Did I find a girlfriend?  I could've had many but pushed them away.  I have accomplished nothing.  My plan to destroy Bobby's ego worked but cost any potential friendship with others.  I planned to piss off Julie but was attracted to her at the same time, I've done it, I pissed her off and now she's gone.  I re-initiated contact with Ian to connect but screwed it up.  I have failed.  My plans, my thinking, they are nothing but inhibitors to a good life.  No more, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of my schemes and plans screwing up.  But I wonder whether this plan, my plan to change myself will screw up too...

Addendum:  I made a post earlier about forgetting about my past and looking towards the future.  Now that Ian and Julie is completely gone, that is out of sight and out of mind, I think I can forget about last year's event now.  I'll miss Ian.  I'm sorry Ian, goodbye.

Can I expect others to forgive me if I cannot forgive them? No, I can't.

Note to self:  No more plans and schemes.  Be natural, be genuine, be truthful.

Step 4: Acceptance

I made a post before about it was I that have pushed everyone away.  I accept that now, my pain, my suffering, my loneliness is caused by myself, no one else.  Ian friended me on facebook after I messaged him.  He responded once and I sent out a couple of replies.  He did not respond and I got upset and unfriended him.   Stupid of me to do that.  I don't understand why I'm so emotional about things now.  I'm not usually like this back in San Francisco.  What's going on with me?  I have come to terms with what is happening to me, I am the one causing my own suffering and I accept that now.  I cannot blame anyone else for my issues and I must now change it.

Addendum:  I don't know if I can continue this anymore.  I'm becoming more and more emotional since I started this.  I don't understand what's going on, is my desire to change myself into an extrovert truly causing all these emotional outbursts?

Note to self:  Accept that you are the one responsible for your loneliness, accept it, there is no one else to blame.  Fix it.  Don't be so emotional about minor things.

I done it again.

I done it again, I have pushed away every girl that was attracted to me.  I saw Julie again during the fall quarter, winter quarter, and the spring quarter.  Every time, I either didn't recognize her or walked by without noticing her.  I guess she thought I hated her, and it's not that far from the truth really.  Honestly, I can't say that I will miss her after she talked crap about me behind my back.  Then again, she did a complete reversal later on and every body language she gave off indicated that she was attracted to me.  I had no idea what to think.  I knew that she had a boyfriend since the first day I met her and on last year's Valentines day, I saw her arm in arm with some guy.  Man, the whole thing was a complete mind fuck.  Still, it would have been nice to be with her.  Maybe my information was wrong and I screwed up.  She was an ENFP, considered the INTJ's holy grail, she was aloof, energetic, and spontaneous.  The data I gathered from her will hopefully help me find other ENFPs in the future.  Nothing was certain when it came to her, the only thing that was certain is what I learned about myself.

I created a thread on INTJforum to see how other INTJs respond to constantly holding a grudge.  Seems as though some are like me and others are not.  I guess I'm more on the emotionally immature side than the others.

Note to self:  Never be so vindictive, be more forgiving.  If a person is trying to make up for it, forgive them.