Okay, okay, okay...

It sucks being the middle man for my dad's business.  Since he can't speak English, I basically do all the talking for him to his clients.  God, talking on the phone is such a fucking mess for me.  I spoke with one of his clients today and it seems as though I was rushing through the conversation.  I kept saying okay, okay, okay over and over again without even realizing it.  The client probably felt I was a total asshole.  Sigh.

On another note, I think I totally fubar'd relations with Alonso.  Several nights ago, someone in building 3 yelled my name and I didn't know who it was.  Someone poked their out and looked at me for several seconds.  It was dark and I couldn't see who that person was.  I suspected it was Alonso.  I saw him again today and waved to him, he said without hi without making eye contact.  Sigh, screwed up on that one.

I keep on lamenting about how difficult it is for me to start friendships/relationships with people, but it seems like I should worry more about maintaining them.

Note to self:  Always wave to someone greeting to you even if you can't recognize them.

Elimination of the Past

My past is filled with anger and hatred towards those that have hurt me.  Even now, even though years have passed, I still hate them without hesitation.  Maybe Dr. Riemann was right, maybe I am suppressing all my anger.  It's time to move on, and let go of the past, remembering only the good parts and systematically wiping out all the bad ones.  How can I accomplish that exactly?  Guess that is something I should ask Dr. Riemann.

Note to self:  Move on from the past.  Immediately disconnect from someone who have shown animosity towards you.  When greeting someone, look them in the eye first then say hi and smile.  Never suppress your emotions.

Normalcy

I went off campus again to tour a new apartment.  Nobelcourt, nice place, swimming pool, small gym, pretty much everything.  After asking the leasing consultant, I realized that I wasn't stuttering or tripping up and I wasn't afraid to speak up and ask questions.  The last few days, I've also talked Stephanie and Raquel and my conversations were... normal.  Body language, facial expression, staying on topic, etc.  was all normal.  It was like I was a normal human being.  I guess I'm making progress, which is pretty nice.

Living off campus

Today, I went off campus with a friend of Mazza's to look for apartments.  The current tenant there was quite... hesitant when she saw me.  Mazza's friend, Alan, did most of the talking and I asked several questions myself.  She responded nicely but I pretty much screwed up my interaction with her.  My eyes looked away when she was talking about something and smiling at me.  I did it twice.  Facepalm.  I doubt it pissed her off, but still, it would have been nice to be able to have a normal interaction.  Alan and I left, and we talked on our way back.  Interaction was normal and superior to most of my conversations in the past.  Gotta keep working on it.

Addendum:  Someone yelled my name from building 3 and stared at me, but I couldn't see who they are.  Should have waved back.  Violated one of my previous note to selfs.

Wendy and I have been talking through AIM a lot lately.  She constantly talks about her boyfriend and the stuff they do.  I'm happy for them and I'm happy that Wendy has found a happy ending considering the stuff she's been through.  I wish I would have a happy ending.  Sigh.

Note to self:  Always assume that when someone says your name, they are talking to you.  Greet them back.

It's nice to see you again.

It's seven in the morning and I woke up to dreams about Katherine.   I kept dreaming her saying it's nice to see you again when she and I bumped into each other back at CCSF.  She wanted me to say that I love her too back then, but I never did because I was too much of a coward to do it.  It's been three years but I still regret not doing so.  Sigh.

I've been going less and less to the RIMAC due to one part laziness and another part of losing hope.  Ugh, this yo yo weight loss is driving me nuts.

Litmus Test, Narcissism, and Climbing Over Others

I spoke with Wendy through AIM again today.  She talked about what happened to her throughout the last several years and what I found was horrible.  She was raped, she was put through hell by her ex-boyfriend, and went into severe depression.  I should have been there for her.  If I wasn't so selfish and so concerned for myself, she and I would have been closer and I could have been there for her.  I always saw her like the sister that I never had, she's practically family to me.  During my conversation with her, when I started talking about my life, I noticed something odd.  It seems as though I tend to exaggerate and use hyperbole to boost myself up. Why is that?  Is it due to insecurity?  It seems as though I use the misery of others to boost myself.  Not a good way to go through life.

Another aspect that I have come to realize is what I call the litmus test.  It seems as though I'm always comparing myself to my peers to see where I'm at in life, and I'm seriously falling behind.  It seems as though I subconsciously use others to better myself.  I guess I'm too narcissistic, I need to stop it.

Note to self:  Stop being a narcissist.

Facial Expression Modification:  Tilt head up and then smile.

Guy In My Accounting Class

About a week ago, a person sitting next to me tried to start a conversation with me.  I talked with him a bit, but then he trailed off and lost interest.  I think it's due to the fact that I did not make eye contact with him and he thought that I lost interest in talking to him.  Sigh, seven months in and I still feel like I'm not making progress.

Note to self:  Be interested in what people have to say.  Make eye contact when talking to someone.