Just one more

One more post before new years.

Note to self:  Be more proactive, not reactive.

Year in review

It's almost the end of the year, another year has come and gone just like that in the blink of an eye.  It's amazing how fast time flies.  I still remember the day I moved to UCSD, the day 9/11 happened, the day the tsunami struck Indonesia, earthquake in Haiti etc.  All of those events happened years ago, but I still remember them like it was yesterday.  Even so, I never bothered to look back and reflect upon it.  I never gave a thought about what my life was like.  I simply kept going.  This year is going to be different.

Ever since I started this "reprogramming project", I've been questioning how effective has it been and whether it is helping me or not.  Let's take a look back.  Since the project started, I have become more social and met new acquaintances, though it is like a ebb and flow thing.  I terminated relations with Phoebe, not sure if that was a good or bad thing now.  I managed to screw up relations with several girls like Shannon, Catherine, Stephanie, and Julia.  Nice huh?  I've become more emotional which results in angry outbursts.  And of course, last but not least, I am deciding to terminate contact with my relatives.  Seems like a whole bunch of negatives to me.  I have to ask whether if this is a kind of "rebirthing" process or am I just simply digging myself a deeper hole.  I don't  want to spend another year like this, second guessing myself and wondering where my life is going.  I hope next year is better.

Note to self:  Remember what the project is about: gain confidence, self esteem, be more more outgoing and become more sociable without becoming an asshole.  Be a kind person, and act natural, not creepy or weird.

Relatives

I'm back home in San Francisco for the winter break.  I've been back here for about two weeks already and there is not much to do.  I should have brought back my econ 120B textbook to get ready for next quarter.  I wish I could find the damn stationary bike I bought last year so I could actually exercise, I'm probably going to gain back all the weight I lost.  Anyway, I've been thinking about my relations to my relatives.  Throughout the years, my relatives and I have grown more and more apart.  I started becoming more and more aware of their behavior as I grew up, and as such I grew discontent.

One of aunts was one of the teachers at my old school and she was a total bitch towards me.  Another aunt is social climbing idiot that seems to look down upon my family even though my mom is her sister.  My third aunt was screwing over my mom and taking advantage of her generosity, this is until my dad put a stop to it.  That in turn resulted in a smear campaign against my dad.  Their campaign was so effective, even I thought my dad was the bad guy, but thankfully I eventually realized the truth.  My oldest cousin is an insecure asshole that often take potshots at me whenever he can, and my second oldest cousin is a popped-collar hotshot who ignores me even though I saw him as an older brother when I was younger.  The last time I saw him he tried talking to me, he can go fuck himself.  My third oldest cousin, who also goes to UCSD, seems to be becoming more insecure around me than before.  He's also seem to be avoidant of me.  I'm maintaining good relations for now, but I try not to get in contact with him.

I'm tired of my relatives.  I'm tired of their lies, their fakeness, their attempts at ripping apart my family because they disapprove of my mom marrying my dad.  I'm tired of their condescending sincerity.  I'm tired of them.  It's time to cut the cords loose.  My mother, my father, and my little brother are my one and only family, my relatives are nothing more than strangers.  Nice way to end the holidays, eh? It's time to let go, it's time to create a family of my own.

Note to self:  Let go of relations with relatives, start a family of your own.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

I absolutely abhor talking on the phone.  When I do talk on the phone, I feel like I either sound like an idiot or an asshole.  I tend to say the wrong thing and end up rushing the conversation, it tends to make the person on the other end feel as though they are annoying me.  At the end of conversations, I tend to keep saying thank you over and over again.  I think I need to vary it a little.

Note to self:  Don't say thank you over and over again, vary it a little.

Reading people

I have the ability to read others.  Their facial expressions, body language, slight movements, tone of voice etc.  tells me a lot about what they are thinking.  This "ability" has allowed me to distinguish friend or foe, it has allowed me to understand a person without needing them to tell me what they are thinking.  This "ability" comes at a price however. When I can read a person, I know what every thought they are thinking, especially if they are pissed off at me or annoyed at me.  When that happens, I get angry at them in return.  My talent has caused a lot of self doubt and discomfort for me.  Sometimes I'm wrong about what a person is thinking, in return it caused a lot of unnecessary interaction and even relationship deterioration.  While this ability is useful to a certain extent, I think the cost outweighs the benefits, I going to put a stop to it.

Note to self:  Stop reading people.  Never take action based upon a reading, it will do nothing but cause trouble.

The pursuit of women

I need to be more active in the pursuit of women.  Sitting on my ass and waiting for the right girl to come isn't going to work.  Girls are attracted to me now, but as I get older, I will have to pursue.  I must change my personality from inactive to active.

Note to self:  Be more active in the pursuit of women.  DO NOT AVOID WOMEN!

I want to feel again

I want to feel emotions again.  When I was younger, I was teased and bullied so much that I would come home crying.  Over time I taught myself to suppress my emotions.  It worked.  It worked too well.  Over the years, I have become absolutely disconnected from the feelings of others, I lost the capacity to feel sympathy and empathy.  The lack of emotions have made me stronger and tougher, I became more than human, but at the same time became less than human.  I want to feel again.  I want to experience the good and bad of emotions.  I want to feel happiness, sorrow, peace, anger, love, and hate.  I want my emotions back because to feel is to be human.

Note to self:  Feel emotions and feel sympathy and empathy for others.