Relations with Jacob

Everything is going normally for the most part, but I am worried about my relations with Jacob.  It seems as though it might be degrading.  When I come back and he looks busy, I don't say hi because I don't want to disturb him, but it seems he wants me to say hi.  I think my lack of greeting is starting to annoy him, I will have to change that.

On an unrelated note, I've been thinking about my "no" response.  When someone asks me something and I respond with no, it seems harsh, I need to modify it.

Note to self:  Greet others even when they seem busy to appear polite.

Note to self 2:  Change "no" response to "I don't want to bother" or "no, thank you"

Update:  It's Sunday, and I still haven't seen Shannon again.  It's been two weeks, it's safe to say that I won't be able to see her again.

Note to self 3:  Don't be selfish, don't be greedy, always take the time out to help others.

Note to self 4:  Always look at the people around you when walking.

Handshakes

Weight is still holding, I hope I get to see some more progress so, I think I need a total absolute change in diet just to lose weight.  This is going to become hell really fast.

I've been thinking about the way I shake hands with people.  When I shake hands with people, I tend to look down at the hands and shake.  This wouldn't be an issue, but unfortunately people tend to extend their hands at chest level.  This wouldn't be a problem with men, but with women, they believe that I staring at their boobs.  This could possibly why Stephanie wasn't really doing a proper handshake.  Julia also thought I was staring at her boobs when she was bagging my groceries a year ago.  I need to modify this.

On another note, I think I have a crush on this girl that works at Cafe Ventana.  I think she knows that I'm attracted to her, and her behavior seems to indicate a sort of teasing.  I know that she is just playing, but I'm still nervous around her.  Am I regressing?  I need to push forward.

Note to self:  When shaking hands with people, look down to grab their hand, resume eye contact then shake and smile.

Note to self 2: Know women, love women, trust women, and don't be afraid of women.  Be more compassionate, caring and empathetic.

Note to self 3: Remember to smile even to strangers.

Weight loss and speech

Worked out this morning and found out I had actually gained weight.  I'm now at 208.2 compared to 207.2 yesterday.  It's not surprising considering I ate so much yesterday.  Anyway, Eric is going to his relatives for the weekend.  When he said have a nice weekend, I responded with you too, but I think he may heard it as ew too.  Crap, I need to modify that.

Note to self:  Change diet to eating vegetables, fruits and bread.  When speaking, use your lips instead of your throat otherwise you sound like you have a speech impediment.

Note to self 2: NEVER, EVER say "see ya" to a women you know is attracted to you because they'll think you're not interested.

Blonde girl at the market and Bill

I went to the Undergraduate Accounting Society meeting last night.  It was nice, I managed to get some information from an actual CPA and met someone new from the Village.  His name is Bill and he's from building 8.  My conversation with him was quite satisfactory.  I did experience tongue tie here and there, but it went well. I also conversed two freshmen that was sitting behind me.  Overall, last night on Thursday was quite decent.

However, today is Friday and I pretty much fubar'd a conversation.  AGAIN and AGAIN.  Stephanie, a blonde girl (another one) that works at the Village Market, started a conversation with me.  It went like this:

Her: "Hi, I haven't seen you in awhile!"

Me: "Oh Hi, I haven't seen you last year."

Stephanie's interest in our conversation suddenly started to wane.  I saw that she was disappointed, thinking that I have forgotten about her.  I didn't, I merely misspoke.  I knew that Stephanie was attracted to me since last year, but I think I pretty much screwed it up.  First Shannon, then Stephanie, communicating with others is a pain in the ass.  I went back and tried my best to clarify it to Stephanie, but I think it's pretty much up in smoke.

I still don't understand.  What was it about Katherine that made me open up to her so easily?  Was it some subconscious thing?  Was it the hospital's environment?  I wish I could speak to girls as easily as I could speak to Katherine, sigh.

In an unrelated note, I am at 207.2 pounds today after working out.  Awesome, I'm pretty much back to my high school level weight and even a bit lower.  I'm going to schedule it so that I will workout everyday in the morning.  I hope I'm not just losing water weight though, if I am, then I was carrying 17 pounds of water which is quite ridiculous.

Note to self:  Think before you speak and remember that facial expression plays a very important role in interpersonal communications.  Remember to stand up straight.  When greeting others, limit eye contact to initial contact then break off.

Abby the RA

I bumped into the RA of building eight tonight, her name is Abby.  I met several weeks ago and I never got the chance to talk to her back then, but I managed to do so now.  My conversation with her was natural, very natural.  It was so natural, it seemed like I was normal.  I guess progress is happening to a certain extent.  I was hoping to see Shannon, but she wasn't there tonight.  Sigh, I screwed up so badly.

Note to self:  Trust your intuition, trust your instinct because it is usually right.  When talking to others, know when to end the conversation, and terminate contact once YOU reach your destination.

100C Blonde and Phoebe

A blonde woman in my 100C discussion session asked me for notes.  I didn't have them with and told her that.  She spoke for a little bit, and I think she was trying to make small talk, unfortunately I forgot to smile and I guess it gave her the impression that I thought she was annoying.  She didn't seem happy.  It was fucking stupid of me.  I told myself not to smile too much, but I didn't mean not smile at all.  I need to modify that.

Anyways, I saw Phoebe tonight.  She texted me asking for notes and to have lunch on Wednesday.  What a fucking joke, I am so tired of her.  Forget her, I'm moving on.

Note to self:  Forget about Phoebe, remember to smile more but not too much, smile just enough to show people that you care.  Be more enthusiastic about greeting and meeting others, otherwise people will think you don't like them.  Don't stare at others for too long.  Be more trusting of women.

Regression and degradation of relations

I've been analyzing my behavior for the last week or so.  It seems as though my behavior and mentality have been regressing lately.  I've been thinking more and more unhappy thoughts and my response towards others have been less than satisfactory.  My conversations with Jacob and Eric are decent but I noticed that I ended a conversation with Eric last night by saying yeah, something that I promised to myself not to dol.  I also responded to Tony, one of the TAs in my BILD1 class, by saying oh first and I was brief with him.  These are things I promised not to do anymore.  I hope Tony wasn't offended by my response.  I need to keep pushing forward to not regress any further.

I think my relations with Ian is going down the drain.  I seen him two times and I did not greet him, but I did greet him every other time.  Ian was nice to me, how could I do this to him?  He didn't seem happy to see me yesterday.  I must maintain good relations.

Note to self:  Don't give up keep pushing forward to fight the regression.  Forget about Alex, Ben, and Bobby, they are nothing.  Maintain good relations with Ian.  Remember to smile more.