Friday, Friday, I'm Movin' Out On Friday...

I moved out today and into my summer dorm.  I said my goodbyes to Eric and Jacob, I'm going to miss them.  They are pretty much the best roommates I have had.  I'm now in a single room and the only other guy living here doesn't seem that interactive.  Sigh, I hope I don't regress during the summer, I made so much progress during the year, I don't want it to slide back into my default state.

I'm beginning to question my choice of choosing a single room for the fall.  While it does have its benefits, the downside is that I seldom get to talk to people.  The time I spent sharing the room with Eric has helped me a lot dealing with my social anxiety and it has made me into a better conversationalist.

I'm also beginning to miss Julie.  I can't believe that I'm even saying that, but I can't help but wonder what could have been.  It's too late now, she most likely graduated today.  Stupid indecisiveness.

Update:  Roommate, Andrew, is more interactive than I thought, though it seems he has a hard time understanding me.  I should increase voice output and be more concise and clear.

Note to self:  Keep interacting with people every chance you get during the summer, DON'T REGRESS!

Do a Barrel Roll!

I just Stephanie at the market and immediately walked out.  Sigh.  In one of my notes to self, I promised not to avoid Stephanie, but I just can't help it.  It's like I consciously want to get close to people, but subconsciously I don't want to.  When I saw her, I could actually feel my adrenal glands clench up and give a shot to my entire body.  I shouldn't avoid her.

On another note, Bryce just left.  I totally screwed up saying goodbye to him.  I was wearing headphones at the time and he said something, I turned and said see ya.  Man, what the fuck am I doing?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Update:  I managed to converse with Stephanie so that should make up for it.

Note to self:  DON'T AVOID STEPHANIE!  DON'T RUN AWAY FROM HER!  When someone is talking to you, take the time to listen to them no matter what you're doing.

Did I Destroy What Was Suppose to Be?

Did I destroy what was suppose to happen and somehow altered the course of my life?  When I was younger, I could "sense" things.  I would have dreams and premonitions and months later they would happen.  I'm starting to wonder if I changed something that caused me to nose dive this quarter.  I mean I did pretty well on my first ochem midterm then everything went to hell.  That was after I acted like an asshole to Julie.  I'm not saying that the universe or the timeline is somehow conscious and is actively punishing me for it because that would be crazy, but what if it's possible.  When I do something stupid, something horrible even though I believe myself to be in the right, I would get this chill down my spine and somehow I knew I would get punished for it.  I bombed nearly all my midterms and all my finals this quarter, but yet I feel nothing at all.  No panicking, no breaking down, no freaking out.  What's going on with me?

The endless cycle continues.  Another year, another repeat.  Last year when everybody finally moved out, when that hellish nightmare was finally over, I broke down and cried.  I sacrificed everything to win.  Potential friendships, potential relationships, I sacrificed every one of those to achieve victory over my shitty roommates.  A pyrrhic victory.  One of those potential relationships I sacrificed was one with Julie, but I was stubborn at the time and regretted it later on.  Then I became a stubborn asshole again and am now regretting it over again.  Some things never change.

Why the Sad Face?

Jeez, new cashier at Cafe V.  She smiled at me, but I didn't smile back.  Stupid.  Really odd since I smiled at one of the cashiers at the Village Market and the old lady at the book buyback.  Think happy thoughts.  Smile more.

Failure

I think I bombed my accounting final.  As I said before, I don't know what's going on this quarter, but I'm getting knocked down one bit at a time.  I think I might even have to retake my accounting class.  Going from a A- last quarter in the first section of the MGT131 to a possible D or F in MGT131B is simply depressing.  I don't think  I can go on.

On another note, some guy from my accounting class came up to talk to me at burger king after the final.  He was talking to me a bit then order came up and I went to grab it.  After that, he stopped talking and until I initiated the conversation.  He wasn't very talkative after that.  Sigh, another screw up.  So what exactly do I have?  Academic prowess? Nope, that shit is going down the gutter.  Sociability? Nope.  Nine fucking months and I haven't accomplished anything.  In fact I LOST friends.  I accidentally scared the shit out of Eric of building one.  I accidentally pissed off Shannon of building eight.  I terminated contact with Phoebe in an absolutely horrible way.  I continued to hold a grudge against Julie until the bitter end and pissed off Ian in the process.  It's hopeless.  I failed.  I accomplished nothing.  I'm a failure.  I wish my parents' weren't such superstitious idiots and actually bought life insurance for me.  If they did, I would've play chicken with a tractor trailer a long time ago.

Note to self:  Never interrupt a person when they are talking to you.

You Gotta Get Hurt

I went to see Dr. Riemann yesterday for another one of my sessions.  She says that I'm over thinking things and that I'm seeing the world in black and white.  She also stated that in order to have a relationship, I must be willing to get hurt because that is part of the process.  I understand what she said, but following it through is a lot more harder.  Do I really see the world in a black and white way?  I guess I do when it comes to dealing with people. I guess I should take her advice and try to work on that.

On another note, based on Dr. Riemann's body language, it seems like she is annoyed by me.  I don't know if I should keep going, after all, the stuff she says and advice she gives are stuff I have already figured out on my own.  I wouldn't be surprised if she's tired of me too.

Note to self:  You must be willing to get hurt to make something work.  Be more active in maintaining relationships.

Facial Modification:  Don't look disgusted when talking to someone.  Be more willing to invest time and energy in to a relationship.

What the hell is going on with me this quarter?

What the hell is going on with me?  I can't concentrate, I can't study, I can't understand how to do something even I keep studying and practicing.  What is happening?  During the beginning of the quarter I was doing well, I even got an above average grade on my organic chemistry midterm, but then everything changed.  I started to get below average scores on every one of my other midterms, even on my second organic chemistry midterm.  Was this because I acted like an asshole towards Julie?  Are the Gods punishing me for my arrogance?  If so, I'm sorry, please have mercy.