Contact Reenstablished

I managed to reinitiate contact with Wendy, no response from others yet.  It felt odd talking with her through chat, one part of me was so relieved to talk to her again, yet another part wanted to immediately log out and end it.  Must be my social anxiety acting up or something.  Push through.

Update:  Spent the last hour or so talking to Wendy on Facebook.  It felt... nice.  It was a sensation I haven't felt in a long time, a sensation of belonging.  I also found out about the horrible stuff that have happened to her since I last seen her.  She had such horrible things happen to her, but she still kept marching on with her head held high.  She's truly an inspiration.

Facebook and Others

I've been digging around on Facebook, searching for people from my past.  I managed to find several of them.  It's amazingly difficult because the friend search bar in Facebook sucks.  I have found Wendy, Henry Liao, and Henry Cun and sent all of them messages.  I'm not even sure they remember me since the last time I've seen them was several years ago.  Sigh, having a near photographic memory sucks.  You can remember people and every event with them like it was yesterday, but they'll look at you like you're a total stranger.

Note to self:  Search for more people.

Success and Crushes

http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ_per.html

Found another page from INTJforum to help me grow as a person.  I'll read over it when I have time.

I've noticed I've been suppressing crushes lately, shouldn't do that, I should actually express it.

Unaware of Personal Body Language?

I have analyzed past events where I screwed up socially and I realize that I might be unaware of my own personal body language.  Ironic, I keep analyzing other people's body language while at the same time I'm unaware of my own.  I still remember the time when someone was speaking to me and I accidentally rolleyed.  It was odd because I wasn't thinking anything bad at all.  I guess all those times where people thought I was angry or upset with them was due to the body language and facial expression I was giving off.  Why would my body express itself in ways that is totally different than I'm feeling internally?  Is that even possible?  Gotta investigate further.

Update:  I think I saw Julie today at Library Walk.  Not sure though, I can't even recognize her any more, but she did do that turning to the side I'm better than you look, so I guess it's her.  Have to change response protocol.

Note to self:  Practice in front of mirror to understand your own body language.  If a woman does the turning to the side I'm better than you look, YOU have to initiate contact.

Dinner and Facebook

I was invited over by Mazza to eat pizza with him.  Nobody has ever done that before.  It's good to finally have a close friend here at UCSD.

He recommended that I create a Facebook account several months ago, and I decided I will create one now.  My friends in the past recommended that I create a Facebook or MySpace account to chat with them, but I never listened.  Now they're all gone.  I wish I would have done it back then, I'm sorry guys.

I'm starting to run searches on old friends back in high school.

Update:  Couldn't find any.  I tried searching for Wendy La, but she's not on there.  I'm sorry Wendy, I should have said good bye when I had the chance.

Eye Contact with Women

Really odd thing I've noticed lately, it seems as though I can't maintain eye contact with women.  Apparently I am breaking off eye contact a lot more faster than before.  Just last year, I was able to look into the eyes of any girl and maintain it, but something changed that.  Why?  What happened?  Guess I'll have to change that back.

Note to self:  Be able to maintain eye contact with a girl.  Smile when a girl is looking at you.

Icing Rescinded

It's been only one day since I thought about icing the project, but I already started feeling the effects of regression.  When I was ordering something from Burger King at Price Center, the cashier there, Mary, struck up conversation with me.  I started stammering and saying the wrong thing immediately.  God, this sucks.  On another note, I think I bumped into Afsheen the other day.  I looked at him and kept on walking.  The strange thing was that out of the corner of my eye, he stood there and walked off.  Did he say hi to me?  Was that even Afsheen?  I don't know.  Afsheen Islam, if that was you, I'm sorry that I didn't say hi and I'm sorry that I never got to know you better.

I fear the project is leading me nowhere.  Conversational output and maintenance is improving, but behavior is not.  Despite my loss of faith, keep pushing forward.

Note to self:  Don't ignore people.  If you think that stranger is someone you know, double check to make sure.