Final Post, Legacy

It's over, it's finally over, I graduated from UCSD and this will be my final post and the end of this project.  It's been a couple days since graduation and I already feel like several months have passed.  Though I cannot say that this project was 100% successful, it has definitely helped me in becoming more extroverted and sociable, even to the point that I would be considered normal by other people.  I'm not arrogant enough to say that my social anxiety is completely cured because even right now as I sit on my bed back home, I can already feel that I'm slowly regressing.  I still have to constantly practice my social skills and to push forward.

A couple of things first.  I bumped into Jocelyn during move out and we talked a bit.  Didn't realize she was graduating too.  My body language and facial expressions were good.  When I kept going to play pool, people came in over and over again looking for a bathroom.  I helped them out without being nervous at all.  One of Cary's female friend from down the hall needed help moving their tv.  I offered my help without hesitation and wasn't nervous conversing with one of them.  I also sent goodbye emails to Dr. Poizner and Dean Bailey, thanking them for helping me along the way.  No nervousness about sending those emails.

Through out this entire project, I've been checking every now and then to see who's been reading my blog.  (I've noticed that someone typed in Ian Applegate Olson and ucsd intj bobby a few weeks ago on google.  Ian?  Bobby?  If it is, I hope you guys enjoyed it.)  Every so often I would find key words coming from google search such as "intj loneliness", "intj emotions", "intj relationships" from different parts of the world.  It looks like I'm not the only one out there who is absolutely confused about what they are and what they should do to fit in.

In the last three years at UCSD, I've experienced failures, lost of potential relationships, and even heartbreak, but I feel that the experience gained has been invaluable.  I feel that the experience I gained here would be helpful to all those confused INTJs and introverts out there looking for answers.  It took a few days but I went back and compiled all the note to selfs I made over the years.  It might not be 100% applicable to you, but there's enough overlap between all introverts for this to apply.  This is the list:

• Be more opened minded, give new things a try.
• Be aware of your surroundings
• Smile more often to others, and be enthusiastic when greeting people
• Modify length of conversations to fit within context of situation
• Get your head out of the clouds, don't be so aloof
• Network more with the people around you
• Don't be afraid of women, treat them the same way you would treat a guy
• Soften your responses
• Think before saying something
• Know how to keep a conversation rolling and when and how to end it
• Communications is key to a good relationship, maintaining contact is key to strong relationships
• Be patient with others, and be more altruistic and caring
• Don't be so uptight, loosen up and have fun.  Not everything's a competition.
• Facial expression and body language is important
• Learn to forgive and forget, don't be so vindictive
• Be comfortable with yourself and be able to make fun of yourself.  Be confident
• Don't turn down invitations and clarify any misunderstandings
• Don't rush conversations, be more talkative, keep a conversation rolling and be positive
• Be friendly and relaxed around women, be more active in the pursuit of women, don't push them away
• Wave, smile and make sure people hear you when saying goodbye.
• Don't be whiny, don't be clingy
• Show affection to people you care for, spend more time with them.
• Don't ignore women who are attracted to you, don't give up so quickly
• Take more risk and chances, and jump on any opportunity.  Improvise
• Face your problems head on
• Don't over think things, think short term, not always long term.
• Spend more time doing, not analyzing
• Trust your intuition
• Don't let old hatreds and grudges distract you
• Don't be complacent in who, what, or where you are.
• Don't be so interrogative, be natural
• Develop a better sense of humor
• Invest time and energy into a relationship
• Always apologize or say important things face to face in person
• Don't be passive aggressive
• Don't be so guarded and warm up to others quicker
• Be genuine in emotions and feelings, don't be arrogant, and don't be blunt and cold
• Be direct and straight forward with someone when you want someone to respond to you
• Be completely honest straightforward or not at all, don't flip flop.
• Don't objectify people
• Regulate emotions so that it would flow smoothly and consistently
• Be "normal", never reveal what you are unless you're extremely close to them.
• Stop making excuses, don't weasel out of things.
• Actively scan your surroundings when driving

That's it, that's the list of all I learned and experienced in the last two years, combined with research and experience from other, older INTJs before me.  If you're reading this and you're looking for answers in trying to be "normal", I hope this helps you.  If the list is too long, then just do this:  ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION.  That little nagging voice inside you is your greatest tool, guide, and weapon in this strange world we live in.  I didn't listen to mine on several occasions and suffered for it, so listen to your's.

The reason I started this project is because I'm afraid I'll end up being alone for the rest of my life.  There are so many INTJs and introverts whose time has passed and they slowly faded away without even a whimper.  I don't want to be like that, I want to be a husband and father someday.  I hope to start a family of my own someday and this project was the first step in doing so.  To all those who came before me but passed on, this one's for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIIA3NKqebg

One last note, I got my final grades back.  A in literature class, A+ in computer programming, and C+ in OChem 140c.  Sigh, that's the end of my pharmacy career.  If I had gotten a B- in ochem, I would've gotten Provost's Honors for my last quarter rather than a 3.43.  Good to know I get one last kick to the balls before I go.

Note to self:  Push forward, live a good life, start a family.

Home:

@5/14/13:  Ch:  3332  Ff:  2189  Ie:  1910  Saf:  1067  Op:  318  MSa:  160
Search terms:
julia popova ucsd -> using chrome, windows
INTJ@UCSD yoon -> using firefox, windows
julie tu ucsd -> using safari, iphone
julia popova ucsd -> using android

@10/30/12:  Ch:  2985  Ff:  1729  Ie:  1533  Saf:  914  Op:  218  MSa:  126
Multiple Search terms that appeared:
julie tu ucsd -> using safari, most likely with iphone
julia popova ucsd -> using safari, with mac
ucsd village market julia -> using windows, with internet explorer
stephanie fried hot ta and stephanie fried econ -> using windows, with internet explorer

@6/21/12  Ch:  2602   Ff:  1474   Ie:  1319   Saf:  718   Op:  197   MSa:  88

@7/13/14  Ch:  3833   Ff:  2435   Ie:  2310   Saf:  1331  Op:  464  MSa:  184

A Snapshot In Time

This is my second to last post.  A long time ago, I wrote that I would buy a camera and take some pictures.  I didn't, but I did used the Playbook and my cellphone instead.  To any future UCSD student who stumbles upon this crappy blog in the future, how different is it in your time?

UCSD's economics department, where I wasted three years of my life:

Pool table in the village lounge, which used to be the old village market before the summer of 2011.  I'm going to miss this pool table.  It helped ease my loneliness many times and I've gotten quite good at it.

 

External Portion of Rady School of Management, completed in March 2012:

 

Various shots of the Village Transfer Housing from above:

Rimac Field:






Village West courtyard, the towering building is where I lived during my first year:




The grill was installed during the fall 2011 or winter 2012 quarter.  Also, a half eaten sandwich.



One of San Diego's beautiful sunsets viewed from the Village East:


Village East Tower at night.  The Village East finally opened to habitation in the summer of 2011:



Day before graduation and the graduation ceremony for Marshall College.  Good luck to the class of 2012:

  

The journey home:




Village West Tower, fifth floor, where Julie and I first met.  She lived at the end of this hall, I was on the opposite end:

"Hey Jason!" Julie yelled.  She waved.

I waved back.

I lost her, I screwed up.

Midnight Madness

It's Thursday night or Friday morning, depending on how you look at it, and I can't sleep.  I've been packing up stuff getting ready to leave.

I've been thinking about what I should do after I leave, and aside from my previous objectives listed before, I need to do the following:

• Get out more, spend more time outside and talking to people
• Constantly modify dress code to fit in with general population
• Get professional stylist, current buzzcut is cheap and simple but gives off too much of a military vibe
• Pick up new interests and hobbies such as painting, art, instruments
• Become a better conversationalist with more interesting things to say.
• Keep relaxing body language and behavior, don't analyze too much.
• Use sun block, skin tans too easily
• Go with the flow in everything
• Listen to intuition when it comes to relationships
• Keep smiling and waving to others.
• Be more expressive of how you feel, never bottle it up
• Be more empathetic

I saw Dean Bailey today at the village front desk.  I smiled, waved, and said hi with no negative physiological effects at all.  That's good, though time from initial contact to greeting could be faster.  I also just waved and said hi to a security guy outside my window and I wasn't nervous.  Got to keep on pushing forward, can't regress.

Update:  Just got my programming final score, 93%.  Great went from 3rd overall in the class to #6.  Overall percentage of 95.98%.  Meh, at least it's a flat A, hopefully.

Addendum:  I created a LinkedIn account several weeks ago and connected with several people.  I also searched up some of the people I knew in the past.  Man, they've already accomplished so much, if this was a race then I'm already several hundred miles behind.  A lot of them were econ majors like me, Ruby and Andrew.  Don't know if that should make me feel better or not.  Sigh, should've grown a spine and told my parents that I will not go to UCSD no matter what.  Should've went to San Francisco State like I wanted.

You're Weird

It's official, I'm done with everything.  I took my computer programming final yesterday and I'm officially done with UCSD and I'll be leaving on Saturday.  I got my programming quizzes back and apparently I didn't bomb them, I actually aced them.  Good I suppose.

I'm no longer upset about the whole thing with Julie.  I shot myself in the foot by showing her this blog, but the introspective analysis I gained from it has been helpful.  I assumed she got turned off because in my blog I came off as either insane or a douche, but another possibility is that she thought I was too weird.  When I was with Katherine, she used to laugh and say I was weird.  I am and apparently INTJs are considered the weirdest out of all types.  I guess I have to hide who I am in the future.

It's been a decent year.  My relations with my roommates is now considered warm.  Spencer and Cary has warmed up to me despite some bumps along the way, and Nathan and Jeffery says hi every time I see them.  A definite improvement since the beginning of the year.

In regards to the thing with Julie, the whole thing's been shelved and archived, and I'll "mask" myself from now on.  I'll try to be "normal".  I wish I listened to my inner intuition.

Addendum:  I have submitted my application for the MBA program at University of the Pacific.  I'll be sending the rest of my stuff after June 20th.  Doubt I'll get accepted.  Also my right foot is slightly misaligned, it hurts.

Note to self:  Be "normal", never reveal what you are unless you're genuinely close with them.  Always listen to intuition when it comes to relationships, always.

Almost There

Done with ochem final last night.  Damn thing was a nightmare.  Whatever, it's done and based on the amount of people remaining in the auditorium at the very end, I would say it was difficult for everyone.  Hope the average will be low.  Four days until journey's end and I have my programming final on Wednesday.  After that, I have two days off doing nothing.

I've been doing some mental house keeping lately.  One old memory keeps popping up.  On Halloween night, I went to price center to get a burger at burger king.  When I finished ordering, I moved to the waiting area at the right and there was this blonde girl in my way.  She stood there looking at me and I looked and moved around her, but didn't make eye contact.  She was wearing cat ears and high heels.  Really odd, can't shake the feeling that it was Julia.  She wore cat ears during the 2009 and 2010 halloween.  Bah, to have a near photographic memory and unanswered questions is annoying as hell.

Last week I sent a goodbye email to Christine wishing her a great summer, she responded yesterday cheerfully wishing me the same.  I have may have stumbled near the end of the marathon, but I managed to cross the finish line.  Nice way to end the quarter.

I had a slight conversation with one the custodial guys.  He asked me if I was graduating and he congratulated me.  Nice guy, still don't know his name though.  I didn't experience any negative physiological effects and my body language and facial expression was good.

On another note, I stumbled upon a post on reddit concerning employment.  Some guy wrote a year ago that  he graduated from UCSD with an econ degree and accounting minor with a 2.67 accounting GPA.  After 24 interviews, he became an internal auditor and got his CPA.  I currently have a 3.26 accounting GPA.  It's not the best, nor am I saying it's better than the 2.67 and I'll immediately get the job I want, but it does give me hope about my own future.

Note to self:  Don't boast.

Future Objectives, Miscellaneous Videos

Two days until my ochem final, thing's gonna be a nightmare.  Still gotta push forward.  I don't know what to do with my life.  Right now I have a bunch of paths I can take but I don't know which one to go on.

I currently or will:
      Plan of Action                                                                 Updated 1/22/2015

• Apply into a MBA program.                                         Succeeded and accepted
• Apply to pharmacy school.                                           No go
• Apply to get a master's in accounting.                          Succeeded and accepted
• Apply to get a master's in computer science.                Succeeded and accepted
• Get a second bachelor's in computer science.               No go
• Get a job that eventually becomes a career.                  In Progress
• Become an accountant by passing the CPA exam.       In Progress

I don't know what to do with my life.

I've been surfing the web and found some stuff.

Type 5:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKHAxnM3wuM

The initial description sounds like me.  Maybe me being INTJ is not holding me back socially, but it is rather my type 5 that is holding me back. Also, apparently my introversion went up back to 89%.  Whoopee!

I've also been listening to this lately:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0

I usually hate human vocals, but this song is just... different.  I guess I'm still depressed about Julie.

For Ben

This post is for Ben, my roommate during my first year here at UCSD, who found my blog at the beginning of summer.

Ben, I don't know if you still read my blog, but I want to say that I'm sorry for being angry at you.  My anger was misdirected.  Bobby was spewing his bs everywhere to anyone who would listen in order to protect his own sorry ass.  You, Ralph and a bunch of others believed his crap because he was more sociable and more outgoing, and looking back now, I can understand why you were annoyed by me with my constant request for help and all.

When we were still living together, you drank and got high on a daily basis.  You're depressed and you're trying to escape from reality.  I don't know if you're like that now, but if you are, you need to see a psychologist to get out of that downward spiral.  Depression will eat away at you.

You once said that your parents hate you, trust me, they don't.  I know and met people whose parents' genuinely don't like them and pretty much neglect them.  Your parents aren't like that.  Remember when you and Ian were fighting?  Your family came down to see you, they do care.

A long time ago when we went to play pool, you said that you would be proud to have me as a brother.  For what it's worth, that meant something to me.  If you read this someday, take care of yourself.

Social Anxiety Fixed?

Social interactions in the last several days have been... good.  Very good.  I've been more willing to say hello to others and I don't freak out when I see someone I know.  Yesterday, when I went out of the front door and turned my head to my right, I saw one of the custodian guys and said hi to him.  Black dude, don't know his name.  We did the standard, "hi how are you doing" thing and parted ways.  Also said hi to another custoidial staff.  No negative physiological responses.  Good.

Bumped into Darvarsh again at Price Center, waved and parted ways.  No negative physiological responses again.  Good.

Interaction with girl at front desk of the village was very good.  Smiled and laughed when appropriate.  Eye contact time was optimal, body language was decent and no nervousness.  Good.

Seems like things are progressing nicely.  Though I worry that the reason I've been so good at recent social interaction is due to being comfortable in my surroundings at UCSD, I believe I have made substantial progress.  Nonetheless, I have to be careful about regressing and need to keep pushing forward.

Update:  Social anxiety is dissipating, but intj vibe is still there.  I went to the Price Center post office and asked the guy there some questions.  The guy could barely keep eye contact with me.  Situation with Christine deteriorated fast.  She came into class said hi to me and I looked up and smile.  She stood there looking at me through the corner of her eye.  Did the looking up thing again.  Screwed up at the last second.  This whole quarter, interactions with Christine was peachy, up until today.  Like running a marathon and breaking your leg in the last 50 feet.  I hate myself.

Addendum:  Mental records indicate that my eyes kept narrowing when talking to Christine.  I don't know why I did that.  Could explain why she was so quick to answer me when I talked to her.  Stupid.  So much for being in the green.

Note to self: Wave hand when saying hi, even when sitting down.  Say hi only after eye contact is made.

Trickle, Flow, Flood

Last week before finals week.  Two weeks before graduation.  Nothing much to write about really, before I wrote that I was depressed and couldn't get anything done, but I managed to finish my programming assignment within 3 hours after starting it, several days before it's due.  Strangely it was quite comforting, staring at a computer screen, trying to analyze and solve a problem.  Sigh, should've majored in computer science.

On another note, more results have been generated from the Julie incident.  It seems as though I bottle up my emotions and later release it all in one go.  Like a slowly bursting dam, it starts out as a small trickle then releases everything at once, whether it be anger or affection.  My emotions should be like a stream, constantly flowing, not too weak and not too strong.  Should regulate it.

One minor note I want to add.  During my group presentation for my literature class, when my group and I were in front giving our presentation and had everyone do the activity we gave them, I turned towards Christine and asked her a question.  She answered it and I turned away.  I look back at her and we both make eye contact.  We looked at each other over Jocelyn's head and maintained unblinking eye contact for 7 seconds.  7 whole seconds unblinking, far above the average 2 seconds with any other person.  She breaks eye contact by looking down to the right.  Odd.  Wish I could investigate further.  Whatever it was, it was great working with her.  Goodbye Christine, it was a pleasure meeting and working with you.

Note to self:  Regulate emotions so that it flows smoothly and consistently.

I'm Depressed

Several weeks ago, I wrote how I went into depression when I lost Katherine and Rosalyn before, and how I felt nothing about Julie.  I was wrong.  I'm depressed, and it's slowly been taking hold in the last few days.  I can barely push myself to get any work done.

I can't do this anymore, I honestly don't see the point.  Why should I keep walking when there's no end in sight?  Give me a sign, anything.

Addendum:  I just came to another result from the Julie incident.  I'm clingy.  Don't understand why though.  Seems like my Thinking side switches to Feeling when heavy emotions are involved.

Note to self:  Don't be whiny.  Don't be clingy.  Modify response wait to two weeks.  After one week, terminate relations.

Meeting New People and Unknown Variables

I've been thinking about the future and how I'm going to meet new people in the future.  The playing pool in the Village Lounge and watching tv in the laundry room was a good start, but what happens after campus life?  That's the question I'm facing.  Normally, people meet new people in bars, clubs, etc., places which I call the "human watering hole".  The thing is, those places aren't for me.  I prefer quiet places, places where I can think, places of solitude.  The exact opposite of where to meet new people.  Honestly, I have no answer for this.

Thinking of meeting new people, Anni Ma popped back into my head.  Two months ago, she was with a bunch of her friends filming in front of the Village East Tower.  When I was walking back to the door, she was between me and the door, she sees me about thirty feet away.  She keeps on talking to her friends, but she keeps looking down at the ground and back up at me over and over again.  I walked past her without saying anything.  When I first met her, I thought she only wanted me to vote for her on facebook.  But her behavior in the few times I met her implies other things.  Damn, should have said hi.  Another lost connection.

Update:  Bumped into Darvarsh several times today.  Interactions with him were above average.  No negative physiological responses and I didn't stutter or mumble.  He congratulated me on graduating and we shook hands.  Nice guy, I'll miss him.

I keep writing off new people I meet as unknown variables, something to be avoided.  Shouldn't do that.

Note to self:  Don't immediately write off new people.

[Redacted]

Just went through my old blog posts and decided to wipe, edit or out right delete some of them.  This blog was suppose to let me write down my inner thoughts, random musings and view of events around campus, but it's slowly becoming more and more of a liability for me.  Sigh, looking through some of my old posts, I can see how Julie misinterpreted them.  Should have cleaned it up before I sent her the link.  Wish I hadn't sent her the link.

I also came across these:
http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2010/12/reading-people.html

http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2011/03/how-to-lose-girl-in-10-months.html

Haha, great.  Note to selfs I wrote in the past and I violated them, and the results were not good.  Not only that, I actually have predicted when I would lose a girl.  Lost Julie at OVT in middle of July, and now lost her again near in the middle of May, calculated by wolframalpha to be almost exactly 10 months.   What has happened before will happen again.  Great.

I had a lot going on in my mind yesterday and my INTJ vibe kicked in full swing.  One of the cashier's at the village market did the hand wipe thing on the counter after she handed my card back.  That shit again.  Thankfully, I loosened up today and smiled a lot more when I went to Cafe V. and my interactions there with the staff was good.  I also saw a couple of people hanging up a "Welcome alumni of 1992" banner.  Man, 1992, ten years passed fast.  I saw a man, his wife, a woman and a bunch of kids running around.  I hope to be a husband and a father someday.  Someday.  Hopefully.

OChem 140C Part II

Got my second ochem midterm back last night.  As predicted, the test was difficult for everyone resulting in an average of 52.  My score was 45 which I considered to be somewhat acceptable.  Professor Albazati said that if you're combined score for both midterms is 105 to 110 and above, you still have a decent shot at an A, if you do really well on the final.  My combined score is 114, which is 3 points below the combined average.  I doubt I'll get an A, so I'm gunning for a B at least.

I experienced trembling while waiting for my midterm to be handed back.  Must have been the adrenaline kicking in.

I also dropped my Math 20C class.  Don't know what to do with my life.

One Wrong Turn

Reading through my blog made me look back on my entire life.  It's been nothing but one kick to the teeth after another.  I doubt many others can do this, but I managed to pinpoint the exact moment my life went to hell.

Near the end of my time at Garfield Elementary school, I found out all of my friends were going to Francisco Middle School, while I was the only one going to Presidio.  I was devastated and depressed.

After that, everything's been slowly going to hell ever since.  Bullied when in Presidio, even by teachers.  Loss all my confidence by the time I graduated.  Lost Rosalyn at George Washington due to ill-timed acne.  Even though she didn't have any issues with it, her shitty cunt of a friend Adena dragged her away.  Suffered from some intestinal disease that made me "leak gas", making everyday a living nightmare where even my teachers started to make fun of me.  Went to CCSF instead of SFSU or the lower UCs like my friends did.  Lost all my friends again and spent the next two years in social isolation.  Met Katherine, fell in love, but was too withdrawn to tell her I felt the same way.  Wanted to go to SFSU like she wanted me to, but forced to go to UCSD.  Met a bunch of girls with Julia and Julie in particular.  Julie says stupid shit, and I hold a grudge against her.  Tried to ask Julia out, but fucked it up and now she hates my guts.  Had another chance with Julie at OVT, but thought I imagined her when she yelled, "Hey wanna get some ice cream?!".  Almost got Julie out of my mind only for her to pop back up. Finally admits feelings for her, sent her the link to my blog, she completely misinterprets it, freaks out, and here we are.  WOOT WOOT!

It's been one kick to the balls after another, all because of that one single decision to go to Presidio rather than Francisco with my elementary friends.  I found and friended my elementary school friends, Ruby and Andrew, about a year ago on Facebook and most of them still talk and hang out.  Hell, they even work together.  It's nice to know I keep getting screwed up the ass every single time.

So what does the universe have in store for me next?

Can't I just be a normal person?  If not, can't I just be put out of my misery.

My Profile, Enneagram

In my last post, I wrote how I can easily observe and profile others.  When I look at them, I see a small mice inside a maze, searching for a path towards the cheese at the end.  They don't know where they're going, but I already know what they're going to do.  The ironic thing is that I'm also a mice in a maze, and I have no idea which path to take.  It's a lot easier be an external observer than the person doing the rat race.  I had hoped my time spent with Dr. Poizner would offer some insight on what I am and what path I should take.  While he was very helpful, the insight he offered were things I already discovered on my own.  It's odd to wake up everyday and look in the mirror, and not understand the person looking back at you.

As ridiculous as this sounds, I actually read through my entire blog again, trying to create a psych profile of myself from an objective point of view.  Can't really create a profile of someone if you're prone to bias.  Anyway, here it is:

• Mild narcissism
• Fearful/paranoid of the world and people
• Inability to form emotional bonds with others beyond the superficial level
• Lonely, with a desire for companionship
• Strong complex emotions, yet unable to express it
• Passive, takes on a secondary role within group oriented tasks
• Indecisive when confronted with major decisions

There are probably more stuff, but without external observation, I can't get an accurate picture.

I also took enneagram test on similarminds.com and got the results below.  I took it before and I got the same type 5 but the variant was different than the one I got now.  I got a survival one rather than a social one I believe.