Interaction

As predicted, Leah has not reappeared today, the only time I saw her again was yesterday at price center.  I looked at her and she said hi and I greeted back, that's it, that's all.  She's not even an acquaintance.  I tried talking to my roommates, Brian and Mike yesterday and based upon their facial expression, they were uncomfortable talking to me.  I know that I'm supposed to try to continuing socializing with people, but I think it's already a lost cause with these guys.  I'm currently limiting contact with them as much as possible.

On another note someone posted this on UCSDFML.com:
http://ucsdfml.com/2011/06/28/im-an-asian-male-engineering-major-with/#comments

It's almost kind of comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this.  Kind of sickening actually.

Leah

I bumped Leah, a girl I met in Ochem 140B last quarter, today.  Apparently she dropped Whitesell like I did and is retaking during the summer.  We talked a bit and she started talking about how things was and stuff.  I looked at her to listen attentively, but I noticed that she eventually trailed off and stopped.  I realized that my facial expression at the time seemed like I was looking at her as if she was crazy.  Another screw up.  I can't believe that I'm telling myself again, but be more interactive when talking to the people.  It's so ironic that I can read other's body language and yet so unaware of my own.  It's also kind of freaky how similar she looks to Lea Limbo, a girl I met back in community college.  I'll try to talk to her again, that is if she is sitting next to me tomorrow.

It also seems like Andrew, Mike, and Brian is getting along quite well.  Good for them.  I don't know why I'm quite hesitant in going out there and talking to them.  It seems like there is this gnawing sensation in my chest every time I think about it.

On another note, as predicted Julia is not taking classes during the summer so she isn't in my accounting class.   I'm all alone.  I miss Julie.

Note to self:  Always turn your entire body towards a person when talking to them.  Be more interactive during a conversation and don't stare at them like they're crazy.

He Is Number Four

Another roommate moved in today, guy number four.  Though part of me wants to go out there and shake his hand and say hi, I feel... hesitant to do so.  Not only that, but when I was back home, I was nervous about ordering food from Dominoes.  I don't know why but I just was.  Man, I seriously regressed a bit.  I fear that living in a single room, it has become my own prison.

I miss Julie, I made a mistake.  I hate myself so much for holding a grudge against her, for not expressing how much I was attracted to her.  I screwed up, again.  Every bit of me wishes that she's still at UCSD next year, but I know the chances of that is slim to none.

Update:  Made contact with the new guy, Brian.  I was slightly shaking, and stuttered a bit.  He also tried ending the conversation, but I continued on anyway, stupid.  Should practice meeting people more.

Update 2:  Brian and Mike spent the night talking to each other.  Seems like they're getting along well, odd man out again for me.  I just don't get how some people can socialize so well with others without effort.

Note to self:  Interact more with roommates

I'm Leaving On A Jetplane...

God, I hate going to the airport.  Every single fucking time I'm at the airport I screw up socially somehow.  This time the luggage guy asked a question and I thought he was making a statement so I simply stared at him.  One passenger let me go ahead of him and I looked at him and said thanks.  He thought I was angry or pissed off somehow and made some remark.  God, I hate dealing with people, but in some ways, it's a type of litmus test to see how I'm progressing.  Dealing with people at UCSD can be ingrained, programmed by familiarity, but people outside is completely random.  Guess I'll have to work on it.

On another note, I believe the INTJ vibe/death glare is actually the mode we go into when we're super focused on a certain objective.  We become super concentrated on it and feelings, emotions, and all that "human" stuff gets left behind.

Note to self: Smile when saying goodbye.  Don't be so caught up in something.

Do Unto Others As You Want Done Unto You

I'm so impatient with people especially when I'm playing some stupid competitive game.  My mom and dad were asking me some questions and I got impatient with answering them.  My dad was trying to give me some advice, but I pretty much tried to end the conversation as quickly as possible.  I'm an asshole.  No more games, I want to improve my people skills then I have to get rid of my games and be more attentive to people.  I guess the reason I'm treated so poorly by strangers is because I keep treating the people I know and care for so poorly.  Karma, what goes around comes around, I guess.  I'm deleting all the games off my hard drive.

Note to self:  Be more attentive to people.  It doesn't matter what task you're doing, people comes first.  

Self Denial of Happiness

Great, now I can't stop thinking about Julie.  I keep wondering why I didn't let go of my grudge, why every time I saw her, this voice in my head keeps going, "nah, that's not her, keep moving."  Why do I do this?  I'm so afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, but it seems like I'm destroying every chance I get.  I wish I could back in time and spent more time with her.

Note to self:  Don't be so passive aggressive.

Check Up and Dinner

I'm back in San Francisco and I'm freezing my ass off.  The weather has been surprisingly nice lately, it was still sunny and bright outside even though it was around eight pm.  I went to the doctor yesterday for a standard checkup and all the folks there were taking notice of my vibram shoes.  I was answering questions left and right and it helped me practice my sociability skills a bit.  It was nice, but I should go out more instead of laying in bed for the next week or so.

I came back from eating out at a restaurant with my relatives for father's day.  Their behavior around me doesn't seem that welcoming.  I've been thinking, what if I'm simply unlikable.  I kept on changing myself for the people around me throughout my life.  When I talked too much, I shut up.  When I was too quiet, I opened up.  When I was boring, I became interesting.  So on, so forth, but I am seldom accepted by people.  Maybe I'm simply unlikable no matter what I do.

Addendum:  It's the next day and I can't stop thinking about Julie.  I don't know why, but the more and more I think about, the more I feel that I made a mistake in rejecting her even though I was attracted to her.  I screwed up so fucking bad.  I should have forgiven her and tried to start a relationship with her.  Both of us wanted it to happen but I was too stupid and stubborn to let go of my grudge.  I fucked up.  A long time ago, I promised myself to start a relationship with any girl who was interested. Julie was interested and I destroyed it.  I'm a fucking idiot, I deserve my loneliness.

Note to self:  Don't say stupid redundant shit.  Start a relationship with any girl who is interested.

It's Too Late To Apologize...

During the last few days of the quarter, I think I bumped into Julie two times around the campus.  I should have apologized in person rather than in facebook.  Lost chances, many regrets.

Note to self:  Always do apologies in person.  Always be the first one to initiate contact when repairing relations.

Monday, Post-graduation, Andrew

It's Monday, the day after all the graduation hoopla that happened during the weekend.  As I walked to price center, past the empty soccer field, I couldn't help but tear up a little.  I feel like I should have been there with them, that I should have walked across that stage, but at the same time I felt relieved that I didn't, knowing the economic conditions out there.  Watching everyone graduate those three days also reminded me of how I failed. How I failed to make friends, how I failed to become a well socialized member of society, how I failed to get a girlfriend even though Julia and Julie was interested in me.  Two years, and I accomplished nothing, even my little program to become more outgoing is slowly slipping away bit by bit.

I spent the afternoon today watching Cast Away, the movie about Tom Hanks being stuck on an island after his plane crashes.  I feel just like him; alone, full of regrets, fighting for survival, contemplating ending it all.  He survives in the end and gets back with his wife though.  I wonder if I can do the same.

On another note, my current roommate Andrew doesn't seem that happy to talk to me.  Either I said something stupid and hurt his feelings or he just plain doesn't like me.  Meh, wouldn't be the first.  It doesn't matter, my interactions with him are a means to an end.  The more I practice, the better I get at talking to people and the higher the chances I'll have at getting married, that is what matters in the end.

Note to self:  Keep interacting with Andrew and other people.

Julie Tu, Bunni3Tu

Several posts ago, I mentioned how I wouldn't miss Julie after she said she didn't like me.  I was wrong, I do miss her.  Despite her misgivings, her attempts to befriend me and her attraction to me should have made up for it.  But I was too stubborn, too much of a prideful fool to see the whole picture.  She and I would have been great together, but I was too stupid to see it.  Instead, I sought ways to hurt her as much as possible and I succeeded.  I let my anger and hatred take control, and I destroyed the spirit of someone who would've accepted me no matter what.  I wished I didn't, I wish I was dead.  I'm sorry Julie.

I sent two messages to her through facebook, apologizing for what I did.  Both of them were one way, no response from her.  Understandable.  I asked before why I do this to myself, why I keep punishing myself by pushing away people who, despite their faults, wanted to befriend me.  I do not have a definitive answer, but maybe perhaps I do deserve my misery and my loneliness.  Maybe I do deserve the hatred and rejection that have and ever will be thrown at me.  Maybe I do deserve to be and die alone.

I lost Katherine due to my cowardice and she was absolutely compatible with me.  Now I lost Julie due to my hatred and stubbornness, and she would have been compatible with me.  I screwed up, I screwed up big time.  As I stated before, the universe might finally tire of me pushing women away, it could be over already.

Note to self:  Life is not a competition, learn to forgive and forget, it's not always about winning.

Talking to Strangers

Dear sweet Moses, I'm horrible interacting with total strangers.  I bumped into some guy named Tyler who was moving into the fifth floor of the building I'm living in.  We spoke a bit and I totally fubar'd his name.  From the data log at the time it seems as though I didn't smile and I didn't tilt my head up to look at him.  Another one was last night when some dude and his friend came in the elevator.  I was with Mazza at the time and the asked us whether we moved in or not.  I started talking and he just looked down on the ground and said cool.  Most likely he's more of an asshole than me screwing up but still, I have to wonder.

Update:  Met Tina, one of the friends of my unknown roommate, Mike.  Interaction was decent, but I was giving off that "vibe".  Man, I can feel myself regressing by the second.

Note to self:  Get out more and meet new people.

Friday, Friday, I'm Movin' Out On Friday...

I moved out today and into my summer dorm.  I said my goodbyes to Eric and Jacob, I'm going to miss them.  They are pretty much the best roommates I have had.  I'm now in a single room and the only other guy living here doesn't seem that interactive.  Sigh, I hope I don't regress during the summer, I made so much progress during the year, I don't want it to slide back into my default state.

I'm beginning to question my choice of choosing a single room for the fall.  While it does have its benefits, the downside is that I seldom get to talk to people.  The time I spent sharing the room with Eric has helped me a lot dealing with my social anxiety and it has made me into a better conversationalist.

I'm also beginning to miss Julie.  I can't believe that I'm even saying that, but I can't help but wonder what could have been.  It's too late now, she most likely graduated today.  Stupid indecisiveness.

Update:  Roommate, Andrew, is more interactive than I thought, though it seems he has a hard time understanding me.  I should increase voice output and be more concise and clear.

Note to self:  Keep interacting with people every chance you get during the summer, DON'T REGRESS!

Do a Barrel Roll!

I just Stephanie at the market and immediately walked out.  Sigh.  In one of my notes to self, I promised not to avoid Stephanie, but I just can't help it.  It's like I consciously want to get close to people, but subconsciously I don't want to.  When I saw her, I could actually feel my adrenal glands clench up and give a shot to my entire body.  I shouldn't avoid her.

On another note, Bryce just left.  I totally screwed up saying goodbye to him.  I was wearing headphones at the time and he said something, I turned and said see ya.  Man, what the fuck am I doing?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Update:  I managed to converse with Stephanie so that should make up for it.

Note to self:  DON'T AVOID STEPHANIE!  DON'T RUN AWAY FROM HER!  When someone is talking to you, take the time to listen to them no matter what you're doing.

Did I Destroy What Was Suppose to Be?

Did I destroy what was suppose to happen and somehow altered the course of my life?  When I was younger, I could "sense" things.  I would have dreams and premonitions and months later they would happen.  I'm starting to wonder if I changed something that caused me to nose dive this quarter.  I mean I did pretty well on my first ochem midterm then everything went to hell.  That was after I acted like an asshole to Julie.  I'm not saying that the universe or the timeline is somehow conscious and is actively punishing me for it because that would be crazy, but what if it's possible.  When I do something stupid, something horrible even though I believe myself to be in the right, I would get this chill down my spine and somehow I knew I would get punished for it.  I bombed nearly all my midterms and all my finals this quarter, but yet I feel nothing at all.  No panicking, no breaking down, no freaking out.  What's going on with me?

The endless cycle continues.  Another year, another repeat.  Last year when everybody finally moved out, when that hellish nightmare was finally over, I broke down and cried.  I sacrificed everything to win.  Potential friendships, potential relationships, I sacrificed every one of those to achieve victory over my shitty roommates.  A pyrrhic victory.  One of those potential relationships I sacrificed was one with Julie, but I was stubborn at the time and regretted it later on.  Then I became a stubborn asshole again and am now regretting it over again.  Some things never change.

Why the Sad Face?

Jeez, new cashier at Cafe V.  She smiled at me, but I didn't smile back.  Stupid.  Really odd since I smiled at one of the cashiers at the Village Market and the old lady at the book buyback.  Think happy thoughts.  Smile more.

Failure

I think I bombed my accounting final.  As I said before, I don't know what's going on this quarter, but I'm getting knocked down one bit at a time.  I think I might even have to retake my accounting class.  Going from a A- last quarter in the first section of the MGT131 to a possible D or F in MGT131B is simply depressing.  I don't think  I can go on.

On another note, some guy from my accounting class came up to talk to me at burger king after the final.  He was talking to me a bit then order came up and I went to grab it.  After that, he stopped talking and until I initiated the conversation.  He wasn't very talkative after that.  Sigh, another screw up.  So what exactly do I have?  Academic prowess? Nope, that shit is going down the gutter.  Sociability? Nope.  Nine fucking months and I haven't accomplished anything.  In fact I LOST friends.  I accidentally scared the shit out of Eric of building one.  I accidentally pissed off Shannon of building eight.  I terminated contact with Phoebe in an absolutely horrible way.  I continued to hold a grudge against Julie until the bitter end and pissed off Ian in the process.  It's hopeless.  I failed.  I accomplished nothing.  I'm a failure.  I wish my parents' weren't such superstitious idiots and actually bought life insurance for me.  If they did, I would've play chicken with a tractor trailer a long time ago.

Note to self:  Never interrupt a person when they are talking to you.

You Gotta Get Hurt

I went to see Dr. Riemann yesterday for another one of my sessions.  She says that I'm over thinking things and that I'm seeing the world in black and white.  She also stated that in order to have a relationship, I must be willing to get hurt because that is part of the process.  I understand what she said, but following it through is a lot more harder.  Do I really see the world in a black and white way?  I guess I do when it comes to dealing with people. I guess I should take her advice and try to work on that.

On another note, based on Dr. Riemann's body language, it seems like she is annoyed by me.  I don't know if I should keep going, after all, the stuff she says and advice she gives are stuff I have already figured out on my own.  I wouldn't be surprised if she's tired of me too.

Note to self:  You must be willing to get hurt to make something work.  Be more active in maintaining relationships.

Facial Modification:  Don't look disgusted when talking to someone.  Be more willing to invest time and energy in to a relationship.

What the hell is going on with me this quarter?

What the hell is going on with me?  I can't concentrate, I can't study, I can't understand how to do something even I keep studying and practicing.  What is happening?  During the beginning of the quarter I was doing well, I even got an above average grade on my organic chemistry midterm, but then everything changed.  I started to get below average scores on every one of my other midterms, even on my second organic chemistry midterm.  Was this because I acted like an asshole towards Julie?  Are the Gods punishing me for my arrogance?  If so, I'm sorry, please have mercy.