Developing a Sense of Humor

I want to develop a sense of humor.  Well, not actually develop a sense of humor because I already have one.  It's just that I'm only very humorous and outgoing when I'm either online or around the people I know, but not around total strangers.  I believe that's due to the fact that I'm afraid of it falling flat or offending the people who are listening.  That also reminds to advance my sense of humor beyond poop, pee, and sex jokes.  This is going to be hard.

Note to self:  Develop a better sense of humor.

The Market Stephanie, Interrogative Conversations

I made a note to myself a few posts ago about interacting more with women and interacting with Stephanie at the market is helping me quite a bit.  Even though it helps, I'm not really sure if I should continue making contact.  My interactions with her has been one awkward event after the other.  I might have even accidentally pissed her off about a week ago and I think she gave me the stink eye today after I said that I haven't seen her for a while.  Facepalm.  Regardless, I have to do this, I have to interact with women more.  I hate to use people but I have to talk to Stephanie more often, but given past experience, I'm probably going to end up napalming relations with her.

Another point I like to make is that when I talk to some people, it seems like I'm interrogating them.  I constantly ask them questions but I never really tell them anything about myself.  If I was in their position I would get freaked out too.  Guess I should modify that.

On another note, there are a lot of people at the village lounge now.  Sigh, good things don't last forever I guess.

Note to self:  Don't avoid Stephanie.  Don't be so interrogative in conversations.

The Village Lounge

I've been visiting the village lounge lately (it's the place where the old village market used to be).  It's an awesome place.  For some reason, people don't go there at all so it's pretty quiet plus there is a pool table that I can play around with when I'm bored.  I'm actually getting pretty good at too.  I wish they would open it up during the weekends though, apparently the words "open daily" on the door doesn't actually mean daily.

Jeepers Creepers

I met the new TA for my Ochem discussion section today.  Audrey or Aubrey, not really sure.  Anyway, she's quite attractive and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't help but give off my INTJ vibe/stare.  It made her extremely nervous.  As I interacted more and more with her, I managed to suppress my vibe and our conversations were decent.  It's bad enough that I'm shy around women, especially very attractive ones, but to give off my vibe while talking to one?  Jeez, I come off looking like a creeper.

On another note, I just spoke to Jacob about earthquakes and our interaction was very good.  I was normal.  It seems like my ability to socially interact with males are making leaps and bounds, but my ability to interact with women is still lacking, should work on that.

Note to self:  Interact more with more women if possible.

Subpar

I just got back my second ochem midterm, the results were not good.  I don't know what the heck is going on with me, I'm getting below average on my midterms for every class this quarter.  I'm usually at average to above average in my scores but this quarter has been ripping me apart.  Right now, I'm fighting for B minuses.  Is it some unresolved issue that's been dwelling in my head?  Are the fates punishing me for my arrogance?  Maybe it's because I'm playing too much Starcraft and surfing the web?  Most likely the last one, but I couldn't concentrate at all when I was taking those exams so it could be something else.  Ugh, I'm dropping ochem and taking it during the summer.

On another note, we're all screwed:

http://www.shtfplan.com/headline-news/nowhere-to-go-85-of-college-graduates-will-return-home-jobless_05242011

http://www.economicpolicyjournal.com/2011/01/87-year-old-dean-of-investment.html

Vibram

I ran a mile today in eight minutes on one of those treadmills at the RIMAC.  I bought a pair of Vibram Five Fingers about a month ago because people were saying they're comfortable and helps you run faster/fix your posture.  I guess they were right, I managed to beat my high school mile run time by nearly a minute even though I weigh more now than I did back then.

Dominance in Conversations

Last week I went to the career center to talk to a counselor about my resume.  She kept on talking and talking, never stopping once.  All I could get in were some questions and ahuh, and head nods.  It seems like I don't interact that well with people who talk a lot.  They throw so much out there, so fast that I simply cannot think of something decent to say.  I believe that I interact the best with someone who about half extrovert and half introvert.  That way, they're not spouting out random boring stuff and I can actually interact with them.  I believe that this was the reason Katherine and I got along so well when she and I met.  She wasn't super outgoing nor was she super shy and quiet.  She and I bonded quite nicely cumulating up to her telling me that she was in love with me.  And then I blew it.  Sigh.

Anyway, speaking of Katherine, I stated that I've gone through the memories of me and her together and analyzed the variables that allowed me to get along so well with her before.  I thought I had gone through every variable, but I realized that I did not go through variations of those variables.  Initially I thought that working in the hospital and being surrounded by a whole bunch of women made me relaxed around her, but that wasn't it, that wasn't the environmental variable I was looking for.  The reason she and I became so close is due to the lack of external forces.  When she and I worked together, all the nurses were off doing their own thing, leaving Katherine and I alone.  There also wasn't much work to do so the only thing she and I did was socialize.  I think this is it, I think I found out what is needed for me to get close to someone.  Now, how am I going to make this happen?  Hmm.

Don't Panic!

The answer is 42.

Note to self:  Be normal, act normal.

I've Lost the Ability to Make Friends

I saw Bill Ma today.  I was walking, blanked out again even though I promised myself not to do so, and saw him  walking towards me.  He then walked to the side to avoid me.  I don't blame him.  The few times I saw him last quarter, I could barely recognize him and because of that, I never said hi or anything.  Despite losing a potential friend, I feel... nothing.  Have I spent so much time alone that I no longer feel the need for interaction with others?  Is it no longer a need or rather being no longer able to do so?  I spent two and a half years at community college and became more an more socially isolated over time.  Even though I was with some of my friends there, I just felt lost.  Something within me just simply broke.  I want to make friends, but it seems like I just can't.  Sigh, these remaining 10 years of my life is going to be very, very lonely.

Note to self:  Be more active in maintaining friends and contact with them.  Always greet others first.

Addendum:  Two days ago, I was normal, so normal that I realized that I was normal.  Then something happened, I felt something happened and now I'm socially awkward again.  What the hell.  Is my brain resetting itself?

Good, Now Release Your Anger...

When I was screwed over last year by my roommates and their friends, I thought to myself that this was going to be a repeat of what happened in middle school.  What if the reason I am so emotional, so angry and vindictive is because subconsciously, I did not want my experience in middle school to happen all over again.

When I was in middle school, I was teased, bullied and rejected by the "popular" kids.  I was so desperate to be liked that I constantly forgave them and pretended like nothing ever happened to be accepted by them.  Perhaps  I'm now lashing out at all perceived enemies because I don't what that to happen again.  Maybe she was right and I didn't allow myself to feel anger, and now it's all coming out.

On another note, it seems that people don't like it when I eye track them.  Should stop that.

Addendum:  I received a email message from my homeroom teacher back in high school.  It's nothing much, she was warning that her email was hacked and she sent it out to everyone.  The question is how the heck did she get my email address?  I have no recollection what so ever of me giving it to her.  Weird.

Note to self:  Don't eye track them.

Showing Some Skin and Relaxation

I went to Ross at La Jolla Village Square today to buy some clothes.  Couldn't find anything that I like.  I've been studying the type of clothes that the "normal" guys wear at UCSD in other to find a type of style that will help me fit in more.  What I found is that the males at UCSD usually wear the following:

1. Baseball cap, sunglasses (sometimes), wifebeater/hoodie, jeans, brand name sneakers
2. Shorts, sandals, polo shirt/"wovens"
3. UCSD hoodie/sweater, jeans, sandals/sneakers

Honestly I don't know which style to choose.  Right now, I'm wearing tucked in polo and khakis and it makes look way older than I am.  I did try the woven at Ross, and it just didn't feel right.  I don't know why, but it seems like I don't like to show any skin.  I'm all wrapped up from head to toe every even when it's scorching hot outside.  I have read various theories before about how we think affects how we act.  Could the reason I'm always wrapped up, unwilling to show any skin is because of defensiveness and insecurity?  I thought about this before and thought about going to class wearing khaki shorts, pretty much what most guys do, but I kept calling it off again and again.  I just feel uncomfortable doing so.  Hmm, that's something to think about.

I also visited BestBuy to check out the new Blackberry Playbook.  I''ve been eyeing that thing since it was first announced and I finally got to play with it.  Nice little device.  A sales associate walked up to me and asked how I was doing, I said, "good, you?", she immediately averted her eyes and talked to another customer.  I spooked her, I forgot to do the smile, widening eyes thing.  It seems as though I modified my behavior for only within UCSD, and not for interacting with people outside.  I don't know if that even make sense.  Still, gotta modify it.

On another note, several months ago I wrote about how the Middle East uprisings, the "Arab Spring" revolution, may be a precursor to pan-Arab nationalism, and I might be right.  Recent news reports indicate that Egypt is opening its border with Israel, possibly opening a supply line for Hamas, ending a three decade agreement, and there are reports of Christian churches being burned.  Another report I found today,

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/ml_israel_palestinians#mwpphu-container seems to support what I initially thought.  Interesting times, we live in.

Note to self:  Always stand up straight, widen eyes and smile when greeting someone, no matter where you or they are located.

The Bucket List

Given the realization that I have most likely failed my objective, I have decided to tell my family that I'm planning to commit suicide once I reach 35 if I'm not married by then.  I'm not sure if I should though, my parents will most likely freak out, but I think my little brother will understand.  He's an INFJ and he wishes that he was never born.  If I'm not going to tell my parents, I should at least tell him.  He will understand.  For the last year or so I've been telling my little brother that he should socialize more and make more friends, but he refuses to listen.  I'm going to explain to him that the reason I want him to change is because I don't want him to end up like me, I want him to live a good life.

I have already planned, since I was 16, of what to do if I were in a situation like this.  I will cobble all the financial resources I can get my hands on and invest it in ways that will help my family.  I'm going to write out a plan of how the world will proceed to guide my family.  That's all I can do now, plan, execute, wait for my demise.

On another note, I saw Dean Bailey again.  I did the meet and greet with her and she asked if I was going to Sun God.  I smiled and answered no, all she gave was a hmm and left.  What does that hmm mean?  Is she screwing with me?

Sun God Festival

Today, on 5/13/11, is Sun God Festival.  For extroverts, it's a dream come true, for introverts, it's a fucking nightmare.  Loud noises, loud people, God, I just can't take it.  Last year, I spent the entire fucking day walking around campus trying to find a quiet area.  The library was closed and every square foot of the campus was swarming with people.  I didn't stay in my dorm because there was a whole bunch of people over.  I thought there wouldn't be people here this time but apparently Bryce invited a whole bunch of people over.  Goddamnit Bryce, this place is small enough as is, why the fuck do you have to invite a dozen people over?  Don't you have somewhere else to go?  God, this is going to be a long, long day.

On another note, these ear plugs with NRR rating of 33 is damn good.  14 dollars for several dozen, well worth the cash.

It is as I feared...

It is as I feared, the universe has gotten tired of me constantly pushing away people and now there is no one left. It's really odd, since I bought the cross necklace and wore it, it seems as though people are even more afraid of me than before.  Why is that?  On the  first day I put it on, I felt a force, a sort of energy leaving my body.  What was it?  It doesn't matter now.  It's been two years and I have done absolutely nothing.  College is the most important time for finding someone and I pushed them all away.  I now accept my fate and await my end.

Update:  I ate dinner with Mazza tonight, it was nice.  We talked for a bit and our conversation was amazingly normal.  My behavior was normal, our topics were normal, everything absolutely normal.  Sigh, I'm gonna miss him once he graduates.

Update 2:  Just had a conversation with Jacob.  Total bloody mess.  So much for normal.

The Windows to the Soul

Another thread on the INTJ forum popped up concerning the the INTJ vibe.  It's titled INTJ death glare and I realized that it's true, INTJs do have a death glare.  It isn't the vibe that scares the hell out of people, it's the look.  Since the majority of human beings are Sensors rather than Intuitives, it makes since that they would be freaked out by the look.  Even a scientific study from a few years back confirmed that people tend to concentrate mainly on the eyes rather than the whole face.

Keeping this in mind, I have been running an experiment for the last several days involving greeting people.  I would greet/say thank you/goodbye to some people by widening my eyes for about a second and not do that to others.  Their body language and facial expression response have been rather surprising.  Those who I widened my eyes for tend to respond more favorably and happier, those who I did not do it for were freaked out or upset.  For example, there is girl who works at Subway that is always enthusiastic to greet people.  When she handed me my sub, she smiled and I smiled back but I didn't widened my eyes.  Her smile immediately disappeared and she wasn't that enthusiastic seeing me next time.  This revelation is startling.  Something as simple as widening your eyes by several millimeters can drastically affect how people perceive you.  I'm going to keep this in mind.

Facial expression modification:  Widen eyes when greeting/saying thank you/goodbye to people.

Prophets and Madmen

There is something about me that is makes me different than other human beings, and I'm not talking about being an INTJ either.  I'm talking about stuff that dives straight into wacko, tin foil crazy land.  I think I can see bits of the future.  I normally don't believe in this mumbo jumbo, but it has happened too many times for me to ignore.

When I was younger, I was almost hit by a car, but managed to dodge it because a little voice in my head told me to stop.  There were many instances where I would dream about certain events and they would take place several weeks or months later.  Sadly, several years ago, when I was still with Katherine, I had a voice tell me of my fate.  It said if I chose to be with her, I would live an average life, but married, and if I didn't, I will be rich but lonely.  I came to UCSD, I made my choice.  I help manage my parents' stock account and nearly every prediction about ups and downs have come true.  Even my own financial investment is about to pay off.  That's the wealth part.  I'm slowly gaining the skills to be financially well off, but I have not established a fulfilling and meaningful relationship besides the one with Mazza.  Even then, it's pretty much at a distance.  It's done, my fate could possibly have been sealed before it began.  I made my choice and now I have to live with it.

No fate but what we make.  I wish that was true.

Addendum:  Thinking back to that time where I almost got hit by a car makes me wonder if I should have been killed that day.  I wish I was.

Oh What A Tangled Web We Weave.

All my plans, all my "strategic" thinking, they always backfire, they always end up blowing up in my face.  I now sit here alone at 2 in morning realizing that I have done nothing in the last two years.  Did I make any friends?  I made one.  Did I find a girlfriend?  I could've had many but pushed them away.  I have accomplished nothing.  My plan to destroy Bobby's ego worked but cost any potential friendship with others.  I planned to piss off Julie but was attracted to her at the same time, I've done it, I pissed her off and now she's gone.  I re-initiated contact with Ian to connect but screwed it up.  I have failed.  My plans, my thinking, they are nothing but inhibitors to a good life.  No more, I'm tired of it, I'm tired of my schemes and plans screwing up.  But I wonder whether this plan, my plan to change myself will screw up too...

Addendum:  I made a post earlier about forgetting about my past and looking towards the future.  Now that Ian and Julie is completely gone, that is out of sight and out of mind, I think I can forget about last year's event now.  I'll miss Ian.  I'm sorry Ian, goodbye.

Can I expect others to forgive me if I cannot forgive them? No, I can't.

Note to self:  No more plans and schemes.  Be natural, be genuine, be truthful.

Step 4: Acceptance

I made a post before about it was I that have pushed everyone away.  I accept that now, my pain, my suffering, my loneliness is caused by myself, no one else.  Ian friended me on facebook after I messaged him.  He responded once and I sent out a couple of replies.  He did not respond and I got upset and unfriended him.   Stupid of me to do that.  I don't understand why I'm so emotional about things now.  I'm not usually like this back in San Francisco.  What's going on with me?  I have come to terms with what is happening to me, I am the one causing my own suffering and I accept that now.  I cannot blame anyone else for my issues and I must now change it.

Addendum:  I don't know if I can continue this anymore.  I'm becoming more and more emotional since I started this.  I don't understand what's going on, is my desire to change myself into an extrovert truly causing all these emotional outbursts?

Note to self:  Accept that you are the one responsible for your loneliness, accept it, there is no one else to blame.  Fix it.  Don't be so emotional about minor things.

I done it again.

I done it again, I have pushed away every girl that was attracted to me.  I saw Julie again during the fall quarter, winter quarter, and the spring quarter.  Every time, I either didn't recognize her or walked by without noticing her.  I guess she thought I hated her, and it's not that far from the truth really.  Honestly, I can't say that I will miss her after she talked crap about me behind my back.  Then again, she did a complete reversal later on and every body language she gave off indicated that she was attracted to me.  I had no idea what to think.  I knew that she had a boyfriend since the first day I met her and on last year's Valentines day, I saw her arm in arm with some guy.  Man, the whole thing was a complete mind fuck.  Still, it would have been nice to be with her.  Maybe my information was wrong and I screwed up.  She was an ENFP, considered the INTJ's holy grail, she was aloof, energetic, and spontaneous.  The data I gathered from her will hopefully help me find other ENFPs in the future.  Nothing was certain when it came to her, the only thing that was certain is what I learned about myself.

I created a thread on INTJforum to see how other INTJs respond to constantly holding a grudge.  Seems as though some are like me and others are not.  I guess I'm more on the emotionally immature side than the others.

Note to self:  Never be so vindictive, be more forgiving.  If a person is trying to make up for it, forgive them.