Okay, okay, okay...

It sucks being the middle man for my dad's business.  Since he can't speak English, I basically do all the talking for him to his clients.  God, talking on the phone is such a fucking mess for me.  I spoke with one of his clients today and it seems as though I was rushing through the conversation.  I kept saying okay, okay, okay over and over again without even realizing it.  The client probably felt I was a total asshole.  Sigh.

On another note, I think I totally fubar'd relations with Alonso.  Several nights ago, someone in building 3 yelled my name and I didn't know who it was.  Someone poked their out and looked at me for several seconds.  It was dark and I couldn't see who that person was.  I suspected it was Alonso.  I saw him again today and waved to him, he said without hi without making eye contact.  Sigh, screwed up on that one.

I keep on lamenting about how difficult it is for me to start friendships/relationships with people, but it seems like I should worry more about maintaining them.

Note to self:  Always wave to someone greeting to you even if you can't recognize them.

Elimination of the Past

My past is filled with anger and hatred towards those that have hurt me.  Even now, even though years have passed, I still hate them without hesitation.  Maybe Dr. Riemann was right, maybe I am suppressing all my anger.  It's time to move on, and let go of the past, remembering only the good parts and systematically wiping out all the bad ones.  How can I accomplish that exactly?  Guess that is something I should ask Dr. Riemann.

Note to self:  Move on from the past.  Immediately disconnect from someone who have shown animosity towards you.  When greeting someone, look them in the eye first then say hi and smile.  Never suppress your emotions.

Normalcy

I went off campus again to tour a new apartment.  Nobelcourt, nice place, swimming pool, small gym, pretty much everything.  After asking the leasing consultant, I realized that I wasn't stuttering or tripping up and I wasn't afraid to speak up and ask questions.  The last few days, I've also talked Stephanie and Raquel and my conversations were... normal.  Body language, facial expression, staying on topic, etc.  was all normal.  It was like I was a normal human being.  I guess I'm making progress, which is pretty nice.

Living off campus

Today, I went off campus with a friend of Mazza's to look for apartments.  The current tenant there was quite... hesitant when she saw me.  Mazza's friend, Alan, did most of the talking and I asked several questions myself.  She responded nicely but I pretty much screwed up my interaction with her.  My eyes looked away when she was talking about something and smiling at me.  I did it twice.  Facepalm.  I doubt it pissed her off, but still, it would have been nice to be able to have a normal interaction.  Alan and I left, and we talked on our way back.  Interaction was normal and superior to most of my conversations in the past.  Gotta keep working on it.

Addendum:  Someone yelled my name from building 3 and stared at me, but I couldn't see who they are.  Should have waved back.  Violated one of my previous note to selfs.

Wendy and I have been talking through AIM a lot lately.  She constantly talks about her boyfriend and the stuff they do.  I'm happy for them and I'm happy that Wendy has found a happy ending considering the stuff she's been through.  I wish I would have a happy ending.  Sigh.

Note to self:  Always assume that when someone says your name, they are talking to you.  Greet them back.

It's nice to see you again.

It's seven in the morning and I woke up to dreams about Katherine.   I kept dreaming her saying it's nice to see you again when she and I bumped into each other back at CCSF.  She wanted me to say that I love her too back then, but I never did because I was too much of a coward to do it.  It's been three years but I still regret not doing so.  Sigh.

I've been going less and less to the RIMAC due to one part laziness and another part of losing hope.  Ugh, this yo yo weight loss is driving me nuts.

Litmus Test, Narcissism, and Climbing Over Others

I spoke with Wendy through AIM again today.  She talked about what happened to her throughout the last several years and what I found was horrible.  She was raped, she was put through hell by her ex-boyfriend, and went into severe depression.  I should have been there for her.  If I wasn't so selfish and so concerned for myself, she and I would have been closer and I could have been there for her.  I always saw her like the sister that I never had, she's practically family to me.  During my conversation with her, when I started talking about my life, I noticed something odd.  It seems as though I tend to exaggerate and use hyperbole to boost myself up. Why is that?  Is it due to insecurity?  It seems as though I use the misery of others to boost myself.  Not a good way to go through life.

Another aspect that I have come to realize is what I call the litmus test.  It seems as though I'm always comparing myself to my peers to see where I'm at in life, and I'm seriously falling behind.  It seems as though I subconsciously use others to better myself.  I guess I'm too narcissistic, I need to stop it.

Note to self:  Stop being a narcissist.

Facial Expression Modification:  Tilt head up and then smile.

Guy In My Accounting Class

About a week ago, a person sitting next to me tried to start a conversation with me.  I talked with him a bit, but then he trailed off and lost interest.  I think it's due to the fact that I did not make eye contact with him and he thought that I lost interest in talking to him.  Sigh, seven months in and I still feel like I'm not making progress.

Note to self:  Be interested in what people have to say.  Make eye contact when talking to someone.

Andrew Lum and Ruby Kwong

I have reestablished contact with Andrew Lum and Ruby Kwong, old friends from my elementary school.  They still remember me after all these years, amazing.  I missed them so much, and I'm glad to see them, but at the same time, I feel the urge to push away, to run and hide.  No, I won't do that, not anymore.  They are my friends, I'll stand by them no matter what.

I've been checking out their facebook pages more and more.  They're so tight, and integrated, I keep feeling like I missed a big chunk of what my actual life should have been.  God, I'm getting too nostalgic, too full of regret and lost choices.  Keep moving, look towards the future.

Note to self:  Don't run away, don't hide.  Don't get too nostalgic.

Stuck in the Past?

I found my old elementary school friends on Facebook.  Ruby Kwong, through her, I found Andrew Lum, Lisa Chen, Dorothy Liao, Fanny Chen, and several others.  It was both nice and amazing seeing how they have grown and where they have landed in life.  Most impressive is Fanny Chen, going to Harvard and straight into investment banking.  I can't help but wonder if I am the way I am because I'm stuck in the past.  I recall when we were all graduating from Garfield Elementary School and during the celebration party, I did not join them.  Instead, I stayed by myself in the other room, moping and depressed that they were all going to same middle school, but I was going to another one.  I think that was my first sign of social anxiety.  Could it also have been a sign of separation anxiety?  I don't know, but I did message Ruby Kwong.  I hope she replies, maybe it will give my subconscious a sign of closure.

Update:  She replied with a simple yes.  It was good to hear from her.  It's time to move on.

Update 2:  She replied even further.  She is now on my friend's list.  Man, seeing all of them living, working, in relationships, makes me reflect on where my life is, where my life is going.  What went wrong?  What happened?  Why am I like this?

I'm a douche bag

I'm a douche bag.  When I get, no, not get, feel hurt, I become a major douche bag towards the person that has hurt me.  I think it's a defensive kind of thing or an insecurity issue.  I need to fix that.

Note to self:  Someone has hurt you, ignore them.  Don't be a douche bag.  Be less intimidating, be louder when responding to people.

Facial Expression Modification:  Open eyes wider and raise both eyebrows higher when talking to someone.

Familiarity, Anonymity and Openness

I've been still thinking about my appointment with Dr. Riemann and some of the points she talked about, especially the one about relating to people.  I told her that I tend to see older people as pure business, and little kids as pure fun, but it was my peers that I had trouble relating to.  It's not true, I can actually relate to some of my peers more easily than others.  I just don't know what factor or variable that causes me to immediately open up to someone.  For example, when summer ended and I came back to UCSD, I shared a shuttle with this girl who lives at ERC.  For some reason, I was really talkative with her.  I don't understand why though.  When I was with Katherine, I was very outgoing and relaxed around her, but on guard when around Linda, even though it was the same environment and she was attracted to me too.  It doesn't make sense.  What triggers it, what factors are in play here?  I theorize that I'm more open around people I know or familiar with.  As I have told Dr. Riemann and wrote in the past, I seem to be more at ease with F.O.B girls than I am with non-Asian or even  Americanized Asian girls.  Could it be because I subconsciousness feel more related to them?  I'm not sure.

Another aspect of the whole openness seems to involve the anonymity of the internet.  The general rule seems to be internet + anonymity = douchebag, but for me it seems like I become a total extrovert when online.  Why is that?  Is it the human component that causes me to suppress my personality?  Hopefully my next session can help me understand more.

Panda Express

I went to Panda Express today to try something new.  I usually go to Burger King, Shogun, Subway or Santorini, but I wanted to try something different.  Those places I usually go were places I have gone to before or someone else took me there so I wanted to try going to someplace new by myself.  The food was nice, but greasy and expensive.  I might go there again in the future.  It costs as much as Shogun, but the food tastes better.

On another note, I went to similarminds.com and took the MBTI test again.  Apparently I'm starting to score ISTJ and INTP, and introversion percentage has gone down to 67% from the usual upper 70 to mid 80s.  I might be improving.

Sleepless in San Diego

This Facebook thing is awesome.  I'm finding people that I have met a long time ago and I can catalog every bits of information about them.  To date, I have found old acquaintances, and acquaintances of old friends.  I have even found some old friends from elementary school.  Seeing how they have grown is amazing, but I shouldn't be so nostalgic.  I shouldn't look to the past so much, but rather look towards the future.

Addendum:  One pathetic part about this whole facebook thing is that I keep trying to search for old crushes.  I keep trying to search for Katherine Leung and Rosalyn Shyu.  Rosalyn Shyu was the most popular girl in my high school, and she had a crush on me, and I on her.  Things ended badly due to external forces.  Katherine Leung, well I already gone over that before.  I should forget about them and move on.

Note to self:  Concentrate on the future.  Forget about old crushes.

Monks and Therapy

Finally went to the psychologist today.  I met with Dr. Riemann and we talked for a while.  She's nice and made some insightful points about my psychological makeup that I hadn't considered before.  My next session is nearly a month from now, so I'm on my own until then.  Hopefully, this is first step on my road to recovery.

I bumped into some monks on way back and they are really pushy when it comes to donations.  Gave them 20 bucks, it's a lot, but I guess it's for a good cause.  If there is reincarnation, I hope I get to come back as something good.

Henry Liao reestablished contact with me today.  It was good to talk to him again, but it sucks to know he's still looking for work even when he has a super fancy major.  It's good to hear from Henry and Wendy again, but I'm not sure if it's a good thing for me to turn to past for companionship, nonetheless, it's good to hear from them again.

INTJs CAN READ OTHER PEOPLE TOO?

Sweet Moses, I thought the whole reading people thing was an unique thing that I taught myself, but apparently it's common for many INTJs.  Amazing, absolutely amazing.

http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=54159

Interactions with Tall People

Sigh, why do I have to be so damn short.  My mom always told me to play basketball to lengthen my height and I never listened.  Ironically, my mom told me how my cousin didn't listen either and he regretted it.  Facepalm.  It's not just the height advantage that I fret about, but rather with my interactions with taller people.  I always look upwards using my eyes and most likely that is what is causing my INTJ vibe.  When tall people look down on me to talk, they think that I'm pissed at them and it totally freaks them out.  It's probably why Bryce and Eric is kind of freaked out by me, probably scared Dean Bailey too.  Don't suppose I can get that experimental leg lengthening operation someday.

Dean Bailey, if you're reading, don't get freaked out by my looking up stare.

Contact Reenstablished

I managed to reinitiate contact with Wendy, no response from others yet.  It felt odd talking with her through chat, one part of me was so relieved to talk to her again, yet another part wanted to immediately log out and end it.  Must be my social anxiety acting up or something.  Push through.

Update:  Spent the last hour or so talking to Wendy on Facebook.  It felt... nice.  It was a sensation I haven't felt in a long time, a sensation of belonging.  I also found out about the horrible stuff that have happened to her since I last seen her.  She had such horrible things happen to her, but she still kept marching on with her head held high.  She's truly an inspiration.

Facebook and Others

I've been digging around on Facebook, searching for people from my past.  I managed to find several of them.  It's amazingly difficult because the friend search bar in Facebook sucks.  I have found Wendy, Henry Liao, and Henry Cun and sent all of them messages.  I'm not even sure they remember me since the last time I've seen them was several years ago.  Sigh, having a near photographic memory sucks.  You can remember people and every event with them like it was yesterday, but they'll look at you like you're a total stranger.

Note to self:  Search for more people.

Success and Crushes

http://www.personalitypage.com/html/INTJ_per.html

Found another page from INTJforum to help me grow as a person.  I'll read over it when I have time.

I've noticed I've been suppressing crushes lately, shouldn't do that, I should actually express it.

Unaware of Personal Body Language?

I have analyzed past events where I screwed up socially and I realize that I might be unaware of my own personal body language.  Ironic, I keep analyzing other people's body language while at the same time I'm unaware of my own.  I still remember the time when someone was speaking to me and I accidentally rolleyed.  It was odd because I wasn't thinking anything bad at all.  I guess all those times where people thought I was angry or upset with them was due to the body language and facial expression I was giving off.  Why would my body express itself in ways that is totally different than I'm feeling internally?  Is that even possible?  Gotta investigate further.

Update:  I think I saw Julie today at Library Walk.  Not sure though, I can't even recognize her any more, but she did do that turning to the side I'm better than you look, so I guess it's her.  Have to change response protocol.

Note to self:  Practice in front of mirror to understand your own body language.  If a woman does the turning to the side I'm better than you look, YOU have to initiate contact.

Dinner and Facebook

I was invited over by Mazza to eat pizza with him.  Nobody has ever done that before.  It's good to finally have a close friend here at UCSD.

He recommended that I create a Facebook account several months ago, and I decided I will create one now.  My friends in the past recommended that I create a Facebook or MySpace account to chat with them, but I never listened.  Now they're all gone.  I wish I would have done it back then, I'm sorry guys.

I'm starting to run searches on old friends back in high school.

Update:  Couldn't find any.  I tried searching for Wendy La, but she's not on there.  I'm sorry Wendy, I should have said good bye when I had the chance.

Eye Contact with Women

Really odd thing I've noticed lately, it seems as though I can't maintain eye contact with women.  Apparently I am breaking off eye contact a lot more faster than before.  Just last year, I was able to look into the eyes of any girl and maintain it, but something changed that.  Why?  What happened?  Guess I'll have to change that back.

Note to self:  Be able to maintain eye contact with a girl.  Smile when a girl is looking at you.

Icing Rescinded

It's been only one day since I thought about icing the project, but I already started feeling the effects of regression.  When I was ordering something from Burger King at Price Center, the cashier there, Mary, struck up conversation with me.  I started stammering and saying the wrong thing immediately.  God, this sucks.  On another note, I think I bumped into Afsheen the other day.  I looked at him and kept on walking.  The strange thing was that out of the corner of my eye, he stood there and walked off.  Did he say hi to me?  Was that even Afsheen?  I don't know.  Afsheen Islam, if that was you, I'm sorry that I didn't say hi and I'm sorry that I never got to know you better.

I fear the project is leading me nowhere.  Conversational output and maintenance is improving, but behavior is not.  Despite my loss of faith, keep pushing forward.

Note to self:  Don't ignore people.  If you think that stranger is someone you know, double check to make sure.