Final Post, Legacy

It's over, it's finally over, I graduated from UCSD and this will be my final post and the end of this project.  It's been a couple days since graduation and I already feel like several months have passed.  Though I cannot say that this project was 100% successful, it has definitely helped me in becoming more extroverted and sociable, even to the point that I would be considered normal by other people.  I'm not arrogant enough to say that my social anxiety is completely cured because even right now as I sit on my bed back home, I can already feel that I'm slowly regressing.  I still have to constantly practice my social skills and to push forward.

A couple of things first.  I bumped into Jocelyn during move out and we talked a bit.  Didn't realize she was graduating too.  My body language and facial expressions were good.  When I kept going to play pool, people came in over and over again looking for a bathroom.  I helped them out without being nervous at all.  One of Cary's female friend from down the hall needed help moving their tv.  I offered my help without hesitation and wasn't nervous conversing with one of them.  I also sent goodbye emails to Dr. Poizner and Dean Bailey, thanking them for helping me along the way.  No nervousness about sending those emails.

Through out this entire project, I've been checking every now and then to see who's been reading my blog.  (I've noticed that someone typed in Ian Applegate Olson and ucsd intj bobby a few weeks ago on google.  Ian?  Bobby?  If it is, I hope you guys enjoyed it.)  Every so often I would find key words coming from google search such as "intj loneliness", "intj emotions", "intj relationships" from different parts of the world.  It looks like I'm not the only one out there who is absolutely confused about what they are and what they should do to fit in.

In the last three years at UCSD, I've experienced failures, lost of potential relationships, and even heartbreak, but I feel that the experience gained has been invaluable.  I feel that the experience I gained here would be helpful to all those confused INTJs and introverts out there looking for answers.  It took a few days but I went back and compiled all the note to selfs I made over the years.  It might not be 100% applicable to you, but there's enough overlap between all introverts for this to apply.  This is the list:

• Be more opened minded, give new things a try.
• Be aware of your surroundings
• Smile more often to others, and be enthusiastic when greeting people
• Modify length of conversations to fit within context of situation
• Get your head out of the clouds, don't be so aloof
• Network more with the people around you
• Don't be afraid of women, treat them the same way you would treat a guy
• Soften your responses
• Think before saying something
• Know how to keep a conversation rolling and when and how to end it
• Communications is key to a good relationship, maintaining contact is key to strong relationships
• Be patient with others, and be more altruistic and caring
• Don't be so uptight, loosen up and have fun.  Not everything's a competition.
• Facial expression and body language is important
• Learn to forgive and forget, don't be so vindictive
• Be comfortable with yourself and be able to make fun of yourself.  Be confident
• Don't turn down invitations and clarify any misunderstandings
• Don't rush conversations, be more talkative, keep a conversation rolling and be positive
• Be friendly and relaxed around women, be more active in the pursuit of women, don't push them away
• Wave, smile and make sure people hear you when saying goodbye.
• Don't be whiny, don't be clingy
• Show affection to people you care for, spend more time with them.
• Don't ignore women who are attracted to you, don't give up so quickly
• Take more risk and chances, and jump on any opportunity.  Improvise
• Face your problems head on
• Don't over think things, think short term, not always long term.
• Spend more time doing, not analyzing
• Trust your intuition
• Don't let old hatreds and grudges distract you
• Don't be complacent in who, what, or where you are.
• Don't be so interrogative, be natural
• Develop a better sense of humor
• Invest time and energy into a relationship
• Always apologize or say important things face to face in person
• Don't be passive aggressive
• Don't be so guarded and warm up to others quicker
• Be genuine in emotions and feelings, don't be arrogant, and don't be blunt and cold
• Be direct and straight forward with someone when you want someone to respond to you
• Be completely honest straightforward or not at all, don't flip flop.
• Don't objectify people
• Regulate emotions so that it would flow smoothly and consistently
• Be "normal", never reveal what you are unless you're extremely close to them.
• Stop making excuses, don't weasel out of things.
• Actively scan your surroundings when driving

That's it, that's the list of all I learned and experienced in the last two years, combined with research and experience from other, older INTJs before me.  If you're reading this and you're looking for answers in trying to be "normal", I hope this helps you.  If the list is too long, then just do this:  ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR INTUITION.  That little nagging voice inside you is your greatest tool, guide, and weapon in this strange world we live in.  I didn't listen to mine on several occasions and suffered for it, so listen to your's.

The reason I started this project is because I'm afraid I'll end up being alone for the rest of my life.  There are so many INTJs and introverts whose time has passed and they slowly faded away without even a whimper.  I don't want to be like that, I want to be a husband and father someday.  I hope to start a family of my own someday and this project was the first step in doing so.  To all those who came before me but passed on, this one's for you:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIIA3NKqebg

One last note, I got my final grades back.  A in literature class, A+ in computer programming, and C+ in OChem 140c.  Sigh, that's the end of my pharmacy career.  If I had gotten a B- in ochem, I would've gotten Provost's Honors for my last quarter rather than a 3.43.  Good to know I get one last kick to the balls before I go.

Note to self:  Push forward, live a good life, start a family.

Home:

@5/14/13:  Ch:  3332  Ff:  2189  Ie:  1910  Saf:  1067  Op:  318  MSa:  160
Search terms:
julia popova ucsd -> using chrome, windows
INTJ@UCSD yoon -> using firefox, windows
julie tu ucsd -> using safari, iphone
julia popova ucsd -> using android

@10/30/12:  Ch:  2985  Ff:  1729  Ie:  1533  Saf:  914  Op:  218  MSa:  126
Multiple Search terms that appeared:
julie tu ucsd -> using safari, most likely with iphone
julia popova ucsd -> using safari, with mac
ucsd village market julia -> using windows, with internet explorer
stephanie fried hot ta and stephanie fried econ -> using windows, with internet explorer

@6/21/12  Ch:  2602   Ff:  1474   Ie:  1319   Saf:  718   Op:  197   MSa:  88

@7/13/14  Ch:  3833   Ff:  2435   Ie:  2310   Saf:  1331  Op:  464  MSa:  184

A Snapshot In Time

This is my second to last post.  A long time ago, I wrote that I would buy a camera and take some pictures.  I didn't, but I did used the Playbook and my cellphone instead.  To any future UCSD student who stumbles upon this crappy blog in the future, how different is it in your time?

UCSD's economics department, where I wasted three years of my life:

Pool table in the village lounge, which used to be the old village market before the summer of 2011.  I'm going to miss this pool table.  It helped ease my loneliness many times and I've gotten quite good at it.

 

External Portion of Rady School of Management, completed in March 2012:

 

Various shots of the Village Transfer Housing from above:

Rimac Field:






Village West courtyard, the towering building is where I lived during my first year:




The grill was installed during the fall 2011 or winter 2012 quarter.  Also, a half eaten sandwich.



One of San Diego's beautiful sunsets viewed from the Village East:


Village East Tower at night.  The Village East finally opened to habitation in the summer of 2011:



Day before graduation and the graduation ceremony for Marshall College.  Good luck to the class of 2012:

  

The journey home:




Village West Tower, fifth floor, where Julie and I first met.  She lived at the end of this hall, I was on the opposite end:

"Hey Jason!" Julie yelled.  She waved.

I waved back.

I lost her, I screwed up.

Midnight Madness

It's Thursday night or Friday morning, depending on how you look at it, and I can't sleep.  I've been packing up stuff getting ready to leave.

I've been thinking about what I should do after I leave, and aside from my previous objectives listed before, I need to do the following:

• Get out more, spend more time outside and talking to people
• Constantly modify dress code to fit in with general population
• Get professional stylist, current buzzcut is cheap and simple but gives off too much of a military vibe
• Pick up new interests and hobbies such as painting, art, instruments
• Become a better conversationalist with more interesting things to say.
• Keep relaxing body language and behavior, don't analyze too much.
• Use sun block, skin tans too easily
• Go with the flow in everything
• Listen to intuition when it comes to relationships
• Keep smiling and waving to others.
• Be more expressive of how you feel, never bottle it up
• Be more empathetic

I saw Dean Bailey today at the village front desk.  I smiled, waved, and said hi with no negative physiological effects at all.  That's good, though time from initial contact to greeting could be faster.  I also just waved and said hi to a security guy outside my window and I wasn't nervous.  Got to keep on pushing forward, can't regress.

Update:  Just got my programming final score, 93%.  Great went from 3rd overall in the class to #6.  Overall percentage of 95.98%.  Meh, at least it's a flat A, hopefully.

Addendum:  I created a LinkedIn account several weeks ago and connected with several people.  I also searched up some of the people I knew in the past.  Man, they've already accomplished so much, if this was a race then I'm already several hundred miles behind.  A lot of them were econ majors like me, Ruby and Andrew.  Don't know if that should make me feel better or not.  Sigh, should've grown a spine and told my parents that I will not go to UCSD no matter what.  Should've went to San Francisco State like I wanted.

You're Weird

It's official, I'm done with everything.  I took my computer programming final yesterday and I'm officially done with UCSD and I'll be leaving on Saturday.  I got my programming quizzes back and apparently I didn't bomb them, I actually aced them.  Good I suppose.

I'm no longer upset about the whole thing with Julie.  I shot myself in the foot by showing her this blog, but the introspective analysis I gained from it has been helpful.  I assumed she got turned off because in my blog I came off as either insane or a douche, but another possibility is that she thought I was too weird.  When I was with Katherine, she used to laugh and say I was weird.  I am and apparently INTJs are considered the weirdest out of all types.  I guess I have to hide who I am in the future.

It's been a decent year.  My relations with my roommates is now considered warm.  Spencer and Cary has warmed up to me despite some bumps along the way, and Nathan and Jeffery says hi every time I see them.  A definite improvement since the beginning of the year.

In regards to the thing with Julie, the whole thing's been shelved and archived, and I'll "mask" myself from now on.  I'll try to be "normal".  I wish I listened to my inner intuition.

Addendum:  I have submitted my application for the MBA program at University of the Pacific.  I'll be sending the rest of my stuff after June 20th.  Doubt I'll get accepted.  Also my right foot is slightly misaligned, it hurts.

Note to self:  Be "normal", never reveal what you are unless you're genuinely close with them.  Always listen to intuition when it comes to relationships, always.

Almost There

Done with ochem final last night.  Damn thing was a nightmare.  Whatever, it's done and based on the amount of people remaining in the auditorium at the very end, I would say it was difficult for everyone.  Hope the average will be low.  Four days until journey's end and I have my programming final on Wednesday.  After that, I have two days off doing nothing.

I've been doing some mental house keeping lately.  One old memory keeps popping up.  On Halloween night, I went to price center to get a burger at burger king.  When I finished ordering, I moved to the waiting area at the right and there was this blonde girl in my way.  She stood there looking at me and I looked and moved around her, but didn't make eye contact.  She was wearing cat ears and high heels.  Really odd, can't shake the feeling that it was Julia.  She wore cat ears during the 2009 and 2010 halloween.  Bah, to have a near photographic memory and unanswered questions is annoying as hell.

Last week I sent a goodbye email to Christine wishing her a great summer, she responded yesterday cheerfully wishing me the same.  I have may have stumbled near the end of the marathon, but I managed to cross the finish line.  Nice way to end the quarter.

I had a slight conversation with one the custodial guys.  He asked me if I was graduating and he congratulated me.  Nice guy, still don't know his name though.  I didn't experience any negative physiological effects and my body language and facial expression was good.

On another note, I stumbled upon a post on reddit concerning employment.  Some guy wrote a year ago that  he graduated from UCSD with an econ degree and accounting minor with a 2.67 accounting GPA.  After 24 interviews, he became an internal auditor and got his CPA.  I currently have a 3.26 accounting GPA.  It's not the best, nor am I saying it's better than the 2.67 and I'll immediately get the job I want, but it does give me hope about my own future.

Note to self:  Don't boast.

Future Objectives, Miscellaneous Videos

Two days until my ochem final, thing's gonna be a nightmare.  Still gotta push forward.  I don't know what to do with my life.  Right now I have a bunch of paths I can take but I don't know which one to go on.

I currently or will:
      Plan of Action                                                                 Updated 1/22/2015

• Apply into a MBA program.                                         Succeeded and accepted
• Apply to pharmacy school.                                           No go
• Apply to get a master's in accounting.                          Succeeded and accepted
• Apply to get a master's in computer science.                Succeeded and accepted
• Get a second bachelor's in computer science.               No go
• Get a job that eventually becomes a career.                  In Progress
• Become an accountant by passing the CPA exam.       In Progress

I don't know what to do with my life.

I've been surfing the web and found some stuff.

Type 5:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OKHAxnM3wuM

The initial description sounds like me.  Maybe me being INTJ is not holding me back socially, but it is rather my type 5 that is holding me back. Also, apparently my introversion went up back to 89%.  Whoopee!

I've also been listening to this lately:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hLQl3WQQoQ0

I usually hate human vocals, but this song is just... different.  I guess I'm still depressed about Julie.

For Ben

This post is for Ben, my roommate during my first year here at UCSD, who found my blog at the beginning of summer.

Ben, I don't know if you still read my blog, but I want to say that I'm sorry for being angry at you.  My anger was misdirected.  Bobby was spewing his bs everywhere to anyone who would listen in order to protect his own sorry ass.  You, Ralph and a bunch of others believed his crap because he was more sociable and more outgoing, and looking back now, I can understand why you were annoyed by me with my constant request for help and all.

When we were still living together, you drank and got high on a daily basis.  You're depressed and you're trying to escape from reality.  I don't know if you're like that now, but if you are, you need to see a psychologist to get out of that downward spiral.  Depression will eat away at you.

You once said that your parents hate you, trust me, they don't.  I know and met people whose parents' genuinely don't like them and pretty much neglect them.  Your parents aren't like that.  Remember when you and Ian were fighting?  Your family came down to see you, they do care.

A long time ago when we went to play pool, you said that you would be proud to have me as a brother.  For what it's worth, that meant something to me.  If you read this someday, take care of yourself.