Grudges, Anger, Awkwardness

It's been three months since I supposedly saw Julie and I am still thinking about her.  I fucked up bad.  Going through my old posts, I noticed that one of my note to selfs was to maintain good relations with Julie and Ian.  I broke that note to self.  First I made Ian upset and then pissed off Julie because of my stupid grudge against her. I don't understand why, but I just can't let go grudges.  I theorize back then that it was because I was teased a lot when I was younger and acknowledging it, I tried to change my thought process.  It seems like it couldn't hold and I just have to get even no matter what.  I need to stop this, I need to get rid of this, it's already destroyed several potential relationships I've had in the past and now another one.  It seems like I have this burning anger inside me that cannot be quenched and desire for revenge that cannot be satiated.

On a different note, I don't understand what's going with me and my roommates.  I don't know why, but it seems like I freeze up around them and have no idea what to do.  It's like they project this energy field that pretty much destroys everything I learned about my own behavior over the last year and a half, making our interactions extremely awkward.  Strange.

The Lying Game

Relations with my roommates have been normalized.  I have taken steps to normalize things with Cary, and Greg is a pretty nice guy, I bump into him around campus every now and then.  I am still hesitant about interacting with my roommates but it seems like they and I have reached an unspoken agreement that they don't bother me and I don't bother them.  It is the most optimal agreement.

I noticed that with my increased ability to socialize, my ability to lie and generate lies on the fly have increased significantly. It's kind of frightening actually.  I can create a lie as though it was the truth without even thinking about it, and I'm not even sure how I got this ability.  Anyway, I bumped into Darvarsh and Jacob a few nights ago and my conversations with them were acceptable to good.  It's like I'm a normal human being.  Also, the past few days, I noticed that women are happier to see me.  Strange, though I'm not sure if it's the clothes I wear or the vibe I'm giving off is a more happier one.

Note to self:  Keep refining socialization ability.  Increase speed in warming up to others.

Major Screw Up

I've been getting jitters just going out there and talking to my roommates, no, not even talking, just passing by and saying hi and I couldn't even do that without screwing up.  I passed by the commons area on my way out and I saw three of my roommates.  One of them was Cary, and I said hi to all three, but I don't think Cary heard me.  I looked at him for a couple of seconds out of the corner of my eye and walked away since I felt it was starting to get awkward.  As I walked out the door and looked back, it seemed like Cary was upset.  God damn it, I fucked up and it's only the first fucking week.  I hate myself.  Why the hell did I look at the corner of my eye?  Why the hell didn't I greet him again just to make sure he heard?  I'm a fucking idiot.  I'm experiencing a massive regression, I'm reminding myself of things I should have remembered a year ago.  I wish I was dead.

NOTE TO SELF:  Never look at someone out of the corner of your eye .  Always greet someone again if necessary to make sure they heard you. When greeting a group, greet them as a whole.

Party Like It's The End Of The World

Oh goody, my roommates are having a party with a bunch of people invited over.  Welcome to hell.  Some how, some girl named Rachael managed to burst into my room even though my door was locked.  She invited me to go out there and join them.  I tried my best to respectfully decline. After my experience with my roommates during my first year after "partying" with them, I can't tell if I dodged a bullet or screwed up my chance at socializing.   I never understood how people can stand parties, to me it's just pure unfettered chaos, not to mention that you can barely have an audible conversation with another person.

This little incident did reveal something to me, I still have social anxiety.  After Rachael burst in, my heart was racing and I was in fight or flight mode, I wasn't mentally prepared to be meeting someone at the time.  When I declined her invitation, I was stuttering a bit and might have accidentally disrespected her friend.  I still have a long way to go, but unlike drinking, I won't be adapting to make partying a part of my routine.

Drinking Socially and Inability to Relate

Cary and Greg invited me to drink a couple of shots with them a couple of minutes ago.  They're nice guys, but I had to decline because I don't drink.  This has got me thinking about the aspect of drinking in socializing.  It sucks but it seems like every culture's "grown up" socializing involves chugging down a few beers during happy hour on a friday night.  The Americans do it, the Chinese do it, the Russians, the Irish, the British, everyone does it.  What's more worrying is the job promotion aspect of it.  I don't think it's true everywhere, but it seems like people get promoted more based on their likability and often they socialize rather than their ability to perform, which pretty much puts a glass ceiling over my head from the get go.  I guess I'll have to develop a taste for it, for the sake of sociability, someday.  I hope I don't get addicted.

Note to sell: Don't give off an annoyed look, always be happy.

New Roommates and the Home Stretch

It's the 18th and my new roommates are moving in.  I have already met Greg, Spencer, and Cary, two remaining.  I already got the feeling Spencer doesn't really like me.  Not surprising really, I think I gave off an alert-at-guard kind of vibe.  I can already tell that this year, my last year here, is going to be a really lonely one.  I really need to be more outgoing around other guys.  it seems like I'm more outgoing around women, but constantly on edge around men.

Despite the last two years of meeting new people over and over again, it seems like I am still nervous when meeting new people.  A small part of me simply wants to hide away and not have to interact with anyone.  Sigh,  I wish I hadn't spurned Julie's affection.

Note to self:  Smile more and be more outgoing around both genders.  Attempt to remain in good relations with Spencer.

Francesca

Well, I'm back in San Diego again and summer is pretty much over.  It sucks that two weeks ended so fast, but such is life right?   The upside is that I met this girl named Francesca during my shuttle ride back from the airport. She's brilliant and my conversation with her was good, even better than good, I was able to maintain an interesting conversation with her with ease.  Though at the end, I was slowly trailing off.  It's good to know that I did not regress as badly as thought I would.

Also, I bumped into Abbey tonight, which was nice.  Strange, I thought she graduated already.

 Note to self:  keep socializing, keep practicing.

What Could Have Been

It's two in the morning and I'm staring up at the ceiling with my laptop beside me.  There isn't much to do here really.  Every time I come back home, I pretty much spend my time playing video games and doing nothing.  The only other thing I do is reminisce the past.

My life is full of regrets.  So many chances at something great, something decent, tossed away due to fear or hesitation or stupid mistakes.  Right now, I can't stop thinking about Julie and the chance I had with her.  That day near OVT keeps popping up in my head and I keep wondering if it was her that yelled.  I haven't contacted her through facebook because honestly, what am I hoping to accomplish?  Getting back with her?  There wasn't anything there in the first place because I never gave it a chance.  Fuck it, it's over, it's gone.  I wonder what would've happened if I wasn't near her that day, the day I over heard her saying, "I don't really like Jason."  Would she and I would have been a couple?  Would she and I have dated?  It doesn't matter now, all I can do is wonder what could have been.  Again.

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Summer sessions are over, and I suffered a massive setback in my classes.  I seriously think I screwed up my finals.  It doesn't matter now, it's over and I'm back home in San Francisco.  In two weeks I'll be back in UCSD again finishing my last year there.  I don't know why but I broke down into tears today, and memories of my time with Katherine came flooding back.  It's been three years, why can't I let go of her?  Why can't I forget about her and move on?

Looking around my room has me frightened to the core.  Is this where I'll be staying for the next seven to ten years of my life?  Could be the place I'll end up for the rest of my life?  No, I won't let this happen, I must keep pushing forward, I have to find a great job, and a nice girl to settle down with, I can't give up.

Note to self:  Be happy when talking to strangers.

Dedicated to Bryan and the Ladies at the Village Front Desk

Well, it's here, summer session is finally over and I'm moving again.  I'm moving into the Village East Tower.  It seems kind of fitting to end my time at UCSD this I guess, I started out in Village West Tower and hopped from building to building until I finally got there.  I gotta say Village East Tower is pretty damn creepy place.  There's something about the lighting and the narrow, winding corridors.  You can't even see 20 feet in front of you without another bend, and who the heck thought dark gray would be a good color to paint the halls.  Anyway, it's going to be home for the next year so I gotta get used to it I guess.

In my last post I wrote about the high lights of this summer, but I didn't write about the people who made it happen.  This is for Bryan, my roommate during the summer.  He is seriously one of the nicest and most relaxed guys I have ever met.  Out of the folks living with me, he was the only one that invited me to do stuff with him and have conversations.  Bryan, where ever you are, thank you, it was nice to meet an amazing person like you.

Another group of people who made my summer brighter are the students working the village front desk, specifically Janet Fernandez and Brittany M.  I was in a total pickle today and they went above and beyond what was necessary to help me.  Thank you ladies for your hard work and dedication.

One Year and Alone

Summer's coming to an end and I can't help but look back at the last two years.  What exactly have I accomplished?  I've become more outgoing and made some acquaintances like Darvarsh and this guy name Imir.  I'm also more social around people and gotten along well my summer roommates.  It seems like I'm making good progress but I still feel like I have an empty hole in my body.  I feel so alone.  Is this what life is going to be like for me for the rest of my life?  Constantly moving from one place to another, never achieving or establishing any deep, meaningful relationships despite my constant attempts to do so?  Am I going to spend every Friday night and the weekends by myself surfing the internet?  God, I'm so lonely.

I've been thinking about Julie lately, over and over again.  I keep on wondering whether that was her that day, near OVT when some girl yelled, "hey, do you want to get some ice cream?!"  Maybe it was her and I screwed up or maybe its just wishful thinking, either way, I should have investigated further.  Maybe I should message her over Facebook, I doubt she'll respond.  The situation with Julia has simply fizzled out.  Every now and then, I notice that she would look to see if it was me if I was right at the corner of her eye.  I should investigate further, but I doubt anything is going come out of it.  I've been planning to type up the notes for MGT 132 and sending it to her over Facebook, it's the least I can do I guess.

One other high note during this summer is meeting Professor Tang in my econ class.  Dear God, she's both brilliant and beautiful.  She makes going to class worth it but she makes it super hard to concentrate.  Heh, I always had a thing for intelligent and older women. Strangely enough, I think she's attracted to me too. During my first day, I noticed that she took noticed of me when I walked in.  She stared a couple of seconds, broke contact and stared again a couple of seconds later.  A week ago, she was talking about a topic and when she at looked me, she froze up and stared at me with her mouth open for four whole seconds.  She then shook it off and turned back to the class to continue the lecture.  I was wearing a tight fitting polo shirt that day.  Was she attracted to me?  There was another time when she looked up from her notes, made eye contact with me, and immediately looked back down.  That's the type of thing that shy girls tend to do.  I must be imagining things, though it wouldn't be first time an older women was attracted to me.  Man, I would be lucky to be with a woman who is like Professor Tang.  If such a day ever comes.

Note to self:  Remember to maintain good posture while sitting and standing.  Remember to raise eyebrows when smiling.