Journey's End (?)

Right now, I'm sitting in Geisel with tears rolling down my cheeks.  I failed, I failed to change who I am and what I am.  I've been here for two years, and what have I accomplished?  NOTHING, NOTHING at all.  I pushed away every girl that was attracted to me.  Julie, Julia, Shannon, several others, all gone.  I could have been close friends with Ian, Mazza, and many others but I screwed that up too.  The other INTJs were right, it's impossible to change what we are, no matter how hard we try.  I feared that my fate would be one of isolation and loneliness, but now it's pretty much confirmed.  I spent my entire life looking in from the outside and being away from others.  When others invite me to join them, I always refused.  I was so full of fear and hesitation that I limited myself and any potential social life.  Now it's too late to even have one, I cannot even relate to average person.  I am now on the very fringe of the fringe.  I always thought that others had abandoned me, but now I see the truth, it was I that abandoned them.  I realize now that I have no future.  I don't know what to do now, except to keep moving.  Aimlessly, drifting from place to place. For the time being, I'm putting this project on ice.

Several weeks ago, I brought a small cross necklace to bring about a sense of change, and a sense of peace.  Nothing changed.  When I first put it on, I felt a sudden relief from all my burdens, but I soon realized that I felt even emptier than before.  I don't even know why I thought it would help.  When I was younger, I prayed to God to release me from this life, this pain and suffering, but I never received a response.  God has forsaken me and the Devil himself has rejected me. I have nothing and I have no one now.

Dean Bailey, if you're reading this, I want to tell you that I've been reading your body language.  It seems as though you're apprehensive when you see me.  I'm sure you also noticed that we been bumping into each a lot more than what would be expected, I assure you it's purely coincidental.  Thank you for caring.

Room Selection Info Section and Other

I went to the room selection info section today.  Nothing much happened but seeing all those people laughing and talking about how to sign up their friends to be in the same dorm as them pretty much reminded me how isolated I am.  This is the last quarter for everyone I met last year, and Mazza is going to graduate after the summer.  It's pretty much back to base one after he is gone.  Sigh.

On another note, I saw Stephanie Fried today.  She was my TA for Econ 1 and Econ 100B.  When I looked at her, she was smiling a wide smile.  Was she smiling at me?  I don't know, even if she wasn't, I should have smiled back.  I violated my previous note to always assume that someone is greeting me.

Self analysis indicates that I'm getting better at conversing with people and maintaining a conversation.  That's good, it shows that I'm making progress.  On the other hand, I noticed that if I have a "crush" on someone, I immediately quell it and not show any emotion.  That's not good.  I might have subconsciously adapted and changed my behavior because I thought the whole staring and "crushing" thing was considered offensive by women.  I'll never know if Erin R. of Cafe Ventana was ever attracted to me, but if she was, I might have prematurely ended it because I suppressed any sign of attraction that night.

Update:  Talked to Mazza about living together during the summer again.  He said, "It shouldn't be that boring this time around, we'll see."  Wow, thanks man, after helping you with your homework, you just toss me aside like that.  Maybe this whole isolation thing isn't that bad after all.

Note to self:  If you have a "crush" on someone, show it through body language, do not suppress it.  Never ignore people.  NEVER IGNORE WOMEN.

MGT131B

I had MGT131B class yesterday and as predicted, Julia was there.  No facial expression indication that she's still attracted to me.  Sigh, I screwed up so badly during approach, I'm not surprised that she lost interest.  I should have never played with her heart and never have half-assed displaying affection.  I have to get over it and move on.

What the hell is wrong with me?  For some reason, every time I think back to the time where she turned her head and gave that I'm-better-than-you look, I kept thinking about how it affected me.  Really?  Seriously?  Why would I keep thinking about myself when it affected her so badly?  Could it be because deep down inside, I'm a narcissistic douche?  More lessons to be learned.  Move on.

Note to self:  Don't be a narcissistic idiot, you are not special.  Don't be so insecure.  Never half-ass a courtship attempt and always be willing to show affection, it's all or nothing.

Jimmy

Spring break is practically over and this week felt like the longest week I ever experienced.  Returning to San Francisco was good, I got some time off to reflect and I got to see my family again.  I was especially happy to see my little brother Jimmy again.

My little brother Jimmy is an INFJ.  I got him to take the MBTI during the winter break so that I could understand his mindset better.  Even though he's my brother, I always felt distant from him, not because I push him away, but because he pushes me away.  I don't blame him though, considering the type of hell I put him through when he was younger.

My parents always saw me as the shining star among my family and relatives.  Jimmy, on the other hand, was more carefree, outgoing and wasn't as academically disciplined as I was.  I wanted him to do better, to become better, even better than I am.  I wanted him to be faster, stronger, smarter, tougher, and more disciplined than I was so I subjected him to the horrors I went through.  I went through hell when I was younger, and despite the daily barrage of shit thrown at me, I kept pushing on.  I destroyed every opposition that stood against me and made me virtually unstoppable.  I recognized that it made me stronger so I subjected Jimmy to the same thing.  I became his bully, his tormentor, his opposition that needed to be crushed.  But I went too far.  At the time, I didn't realize that the other kids at his school was teasing him too. He was tortured at school and when he came home, I tortured him.  One day he broke down and yelled, "Why don't I just commit suicide?!"  It was then that I knew and understood the damage I had done.

My stupid idea didn't make him better, it made him worst.  His grades dropped, he went from an extrovert to an introvert, he hated going to new places and experiencing new things, he hated the world and I made him that way.  I took him down the same path that I'm walking, the same dark, lonely path that leads to oblivion.  I took away his future and his life.  He could be a normal, happy, outgoing college student right now that is experiencing the things normal people experience, but I took it away from him.  Ever since I realized the damage I done, I have been wracked with guilt.  I used to wake up in the middle of the night, and sit next to him while he's asleep and apologize to him for what I done.  Even as I write this entry, I couldn't stop crying knowing that I took away his future.  I hate myself for what I done, and what I am.  I failed as a brother and I should die for my crimes, and someday, I will.

There is still a glimmer of hope.  That one letter, the F, instead of a T in his personality type will allow him to succeed where I failed.  I used to see his constant online game playing as a waste of time, but I noticed that he can easily make tons of friends in a matter of weeks.  I could play for months and I wouldn't have any contacts.  That ability, the ability to relate and connect with others, will allow Jimmy to go far beyond what I am now.  Since my realization, I have done everything in my power to undo the damage I have done and make his life better.  Even so, he is still distant and doesn't really trust me.  I understand and I don't blame him.  Perhaps other people can sense what a horrible monster I am, and that is why I'm always the outsider, if so, then my isolation is when deserved.

Note to self:  Devote resources to Jimmy, ensure his survival.

Contact and Interaction

It's been a couple of days since my last post.  I keep thinking about how I eventually lose contact with people over time and I realized that the only reason I lose contact with them is because I don't interact enough with them.  When I was growing up, I used to have about a dozen or so close friends, and the reason they and I were close is because we interacted on a daily basis.  We went to the same class, hang out at the same area during lunch etc., that is what helped us bond.  It's the same thing with my engineering classes back in community college.  God, only an idiot like me could be so blind to something so obvious.

Note to self:  Spend more time with people.  Bond more.

Spring Break, Home, Complacency, and Quarter Review

Spring break has begun.  I'm back home here in San Francisco, lying comfortably in bed freezing my ass off.  It's good to be back.  I never thought I would enjoy the near zero temperatures of San Francisco, but after this quarter I would prefer to be anywhere other than UCSD.

Another quarter has ended and it's time for a quarter review.  Let's see what I have accomplished:  I pissed off Julia and now she hates me indefinitely.  Relations with Abby and Victor is slowly fraying apart.  I terminated contact with Building 1 Eric and I have no idea where the hell Bill went.  At least relations with Mazza is still decent.  It also seems that relations between Jacob and I are improving.  Interactions between Eric and I are more natural, and relations with Bryce is starting to thaw.  This quarter has been nothing but trouble, nearly every step I taken forward last quarter was undone by this one.  I'm pretty much back to square one.

Being back home and lying in bed, doing nothing seems great but I must be conscious of being too comfortable and complacent.  I always viewed life through a Darwinistic and Eugenicist lens.  Every living organism that have ever existed have survived by being put through hardship, and any animal that gets too comfortable or too settled in their environment will die out.  Take the dinosaurs for example, they were the apex predators of their time, but they were too fitted to their environment.  All it took was one single event to wipe them out and for the more adaptive small mammals to become the dominant life form.  The dodo, the panda, same story there, one died out because it was too comfortable in its environment and the other is dying because it cannot adapt to a changing environment.  The same can be said of humans, not humans in general of course because we can adapt to virtually anything, but what I'm talking about is the lone human, the individual.  Individuals that become too comfortable in who they are or the situation they are in will eventually become stuck.  They cannot adapt, they cannot change and eventually they will perish.  This could happen to me.  Lying in bed feels so comfortable and my parents want me to move back in after college, but I fear that lying in bed could become my life for the next ten years of my life.  If I become too complacent and comfortable then I too will perish.  I must face hardships and adapt.

Note to self:  Never be comfortable or complacent in what you are or where you are, always face hardship.

Greetings and Salutations

Finally finished with finals and I can now go home.  Something's been bothering me today, it seems as though people aren't that happy to greet me.  When I say hi back after they greet, they immediately break eye contact or don't make eye contact at all.  Strange.  I think that this is due to me not being so happy to greet them, well, it's not that I'm not happy to greet them, but rather it's hard for me to express it.  Gonna have to change that.

Note to self:  Be more expressive, be more happier when greeting people.  Make and establish contact with everyone.

Wasting other people's time

With the introduction of this "reprogramming" project, I noticed that I'm starting to waste other people's time with either unnecessary talk or useless actions.  People tend to get annoyed by that and in turn hate me for it.  I have to stop it.

Note to self:  Don't waste other people's time with unnecessary talk or action.

Playing It Cool

Still reviewing mental records.  It seems as though when a girl is interested in me and I'm interested in her, I try to play it cool.  It always result in the girl thinking I'm not interested in her and losing interest.  I need to change that.

Note to Self:  Never play it cool.  If you're interested in a girl, show signs of it through body language.

Quit Pissing Off Women

God damn it, I'm so stupid when it comes to interacting with people, I keep inadvertently pissing them off.  When it comes to interacting with women, it's even worst, I keep on saying the wrong thing or do the wrong thing, I keep pissing them off.  At this pace, I might as well consider pissing off and apologizing to women a personal pastime.

Note to self:  Quit pissing off women and be more outgoing and decisive.

Sensor vs. Intuition and Regression

I believe my sensor side is blocking my intuition.  I have stated many times in the past to trust my instincts and my intuition, but I always trust what I see and hear instead.  That always end in catastrophe.  I think I'll suppress my sensor side from now on.  I may end up appearing aloof and absent minded, but at least I'll make the correct choices from now on.

I think I'm starting to regress again.  I'm stuttering with words, I'm having a hard time finding the word I want to say, and Mazza keeps inviting to eat with him, but I keep turning him down for some reason.  I probably damaged relations with him.  Keep going, keep pushing forward.

Note to self:  Modify behavior to Sensor output and Intuition input.

Another Thread and Letting Go of the Past

Procrastination, it's a killer.  I should be studying, but oh well.  I found another thread on INTJ forum that sounds like it was started by someone like me.

http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=51879

Every other INTJ is saying that it sounds like exactly what they went through.  God, are we the same everywhere?  The same misery, the same loneliness, the same sadness, the same self hatred.  At this point someone might as well classify all INTJs as a whole different subspecies of humanity.

Anyway, I need to let go of the past.  I possess a quasi-photographic memory and I can remember every little detail about someone, their actions, and how they screwed me over.  People often say that holding grudges aren't healthy, and it isn't.  I spent so many years of my life hating people that screwed me over that I let that hatred build up, causing me to be unable to form bonds with new people.  It's time to let go.

Note to self:  Let go of old grudges and old hatreds.

Blind following the Blind and Insecurity in Attraction

Still going over data from interaction with Julia.  I stopped recording all interactions about a month ago, but last night I remembered something that confused me.  On Valentine's day, I saw Julia at the old Village Market, Village Market West.  She was behind that glass window thing and she was staring at me with an upset look, presumably because I didn't ask her out.  But I tried.  On the Thursday before Valentine's day, I waited for her after the accounting midterm and asked if she wanted to get something to eat and she said she had to study.  I presumed that she turned me down.  Could she be as "dumb" as I am when it comes to relationships?  In the past, I had girls asked me if I wanted to get something to eat or get some coffee and I turned them down, thinking it was only a friendly gesture, only to find out later they wanted to start something.  Could Julia or other girls out there be as "dumb" as me?  This is a type of scenario that I had never accounted for, I always assumed that women were naturals when it comes to relationships.  I'll have to adjust and plan for such a scenario.

Another thing I want to jot down is insecurity in attraction.  I think I'm insecure when it comes to attraction.  I noticed a pattern when going over old data.  It seems as though I always turn down the hot girls or presume they are not attracted to me even though they are, and it seems like I always go for the cute, but nerdy girls.  But why though?  I'm a nerd, and most nerds would kill to be in my position.  In middle school and high school, some of the popular girls were attracted to me even though I was a loser and now I'm attracting sorority girls even though I'm a nobody.  Am I being logical or insecure here?  Just because a woman is attractive doesn't mean she'll cheat or dump me for the next guy, and just because a woman is nerdy doesn't mean she's faithful.  It's illogical to stereotype.  Am I being insecure?  Is that why I tend to go for nerdy girls?

Note to self:  Don't be insecure, don't stereotype woman, plan for scenario where the woman is dumb when it comes to relationships.

How to lose a girl in 10 months

Even though it's finals week, I'm still pouring over the remaining data from Julia.  Every bit of information concerning face to face interaction have been analyzed and filed.  One thing I did notice is the pattern of losing girls within the time frame of about 10 months.  Every girl that have fallen for me, usually lose interest around 10 months.  Not surprising honestly, it seems though I have this mental block that stops me from showing any interest in them even though I am.  I always turn stone cold and stoic, making them believe that I'm not interested  in them.  Then only at last minute I start show emotions, and by then it's too late.  It's my stupid recon and analysis time that's taking up time.

On another note, I saw Erin R. at Cafe Ventana behind the food trays serving food.  She did a "double take" when she saw me.  A double take is when someone see someone they know, look away thinking it was a stranger, then look back after realizing it is someone they know.  She did that... to me.  Does this lend credence that she is actually attracted to me?  Don't know, most unlikely.  On the other hand, would she have done a double take on one of the other Cafe V. regulars?  Bah, doesn't matter, even if she was, nothing will happen, the last thing I need is another Julia incident.

Note to self:  If you're interested in someone, show that you're interested.  Love is irrational, so you must be irrational and illogical when it comes to love.  When it comes to love and attraction, be more spontaneous and less professional.  Be more affectionate, and expressive of emotions.  You cannot expect people to act a certain way and wait for them to act, you must be the one actively pursuing because time is of the essence.  Be more proactive and decisive.  Don't doubt yourself.  Remove that mental block.  Show emotions.  Take the next step, take the big leap.  Never play with a woman's emotions.  Never put your job, objectives or goals ahead of the woman you love, they always come first.  Never reference Matthew McConaughey movies ever again.

Communication Error(?)

I saw Dean Bailey today driving around one of those golf cart thingies.  She waved to me and I waved to her.  I think she saw me waved, I'm not sure though.  Dean Bailey, if you're reading this, I waved to greet you when you were driving the golf cart today.

Note to self:  Increase wave greeting "hang time" by 2 seconds.

I'm 23 and I'm not completely comfortable with myself

Wow, I just found a thread on INTJ forum that could've been created by someone like me.

http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=52082

I hate to say it, but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one out there doubting their own personality.  It's also good to know that they are taking steps to change it.  Advice from poster JS0000 is solid, it actually contains advice that I have been telling myself for the last 6 months.  Less introspection, more doing, less thinking, it's all there.  At least now I know I'm on the right track.

Note to self:  Be comfortable with yourself.  Be less introspective, be more confident, fake it till you make it.  Don't be afraid of women.  Don't think too much, actually take action.  Don't be so self critical.  Don't let negativity pile up.

My Life on a Treadmill

It's almost the end of the winter quarter.  Another quarter, another three months.  I keep getting the feeling that my life is going nowhere.  I keep moving forward, but I keep getting the feeling that I'm staying still.  It's as though my life is on a treadmill.  I'm just getting more and more disappointed in myself.  I've lost weight, I lost inches off my waist line, I managed to do well academically, but does it actually matter?  I have 12 years left to accomplish my objectives, but 12 years can pass so fast.  It could be all over tomorrow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zM1FjxmADkg

I am her, I made a mistake, I missed my chance.

Note to self:  Decrease eye contact time.  I can't believe I'm writing this again, but LISTEN TO YOUR INTUITION.  LISTEN TO YOUR HEART.

Girl from BILD 1

I bumped into this girl I met in BILD 1 tonight at the Village Market.  Her name is Marissa or Marcella, I'm not sure, I think she is one of the RAs in the Village.  We talked about classes we were taking this quarter and our conversation was decent.  We catched up a bit etc. mundane stuff.  I did notice some conversational flaws on my part.

1. She made a joke about how tough OChem is and how she'll buy a gun for me.  I did not smile until about 1.5 seconds later.  It might have made her nervous.
2. Her eye direction and facial features indicated that she wanted to end the conversation, but I continued the conversation about 20 seconds longer than I should have.

Other than these flaws, the conversation was...normal.  Almost absolutely normal.  I guess I'm making progress, but I personally feel as though I've taken several steps back in some regards.

Note to self:  When a person makes a joke, smile and laugh immediately, and say something funny or agree with it in return.  Know when to end a conversation.

World on Fire

I made a post about a month ago about how the Middle East riots could affect the economy and how it could affect gas prices due to speculation.  A week later, economists were talking about possible rise in gas prices, and now we are seeing it with our own eyes.  Nationwide gas prices are averaging at $3.50 a gallon, http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/3032619/vp/41938596#41938596, and the White House is actually thinking about tapping into its strategic petroleum reserve.  No way, impossible.  Are things that desperate that we have to tap the strategic reserve?  It can only sustain the U.S., at its current rate of consumption, for half a year at best, maybe two years if there is rationing.  With the increase in gas prices, we're also staring at an increase in food prices, which in turn will lead to even more riots and panicking.  Before the financial crisis, gas prices was at about four dollars a gallon, we're nearing that point again...  This is getting bad, real bad.

http://thisbluemarble.com/showthread.php?t=34651

That is the current list of countries suffering from massive civil unrest.  It's not even the most current one either, I've seen videos of rioting in Ivory Coast.  God knows how many more countries will be affected by this.

What worries me even more is how major world powers will react to this situation.  I've read reports of British SAS commandos being captured and spotted in Libya.  Right now there are ships from Russia, China, U.S., France, Britain, etc off the cost of Somalia fighting piracy and I wouldn't be surprised if they are repurposed to enable and support factions in those rioting countries to become puppets of their respective governments.

Another aspect that worries me is something the mainstream hasn't talked about yet.  I'm wondering if these riots could eventually coalesce into a Pan-Arab/Pan-Islamic movement.  It wouldn't be surprising honestly since the Ottoman empire only fell a hundred years ago and various governments throughout the middle east are seen as illegitimate by their respective populace and by more extreme external elements.  Saudi Arabia's government, for example, is seen as illegitimate by Al Qaeda for hosting U.S. troops within it, which is considered holy ground by Muslims.  I honestly don't know how things will pan out.  Will the Middle East be engulfed in the fires of nationalism and chaos or will it usher in an era of peace, enlightenment, and democracy?  What I do know for certain is that it's going to get really rough for everyone everywhere.

Note to self:  Monitor economic situation, adjust resource allocation for family accordingly.

Avoidant personality disorder

I've long suspected that I have avoidant personality disorder, and googling today pretty much proved it.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001936/

6 out of 7.  Check.  Have to get rid of it.

Note to self:  Get rid of avoidant personality disorder.

Societal Expectations and Male Introversion

Introversion is a pain, combine that with social anxiety, and it's can be a major catastrophe.  Not only does introversion limit my chances at friendship, it also limits my chances at romantic relationships.  I don't even know where to begin, what I should say, what I should do, I simply freeze up.  It's even worst when a male introvert lives in a western society.

In western societies, males are expected to be outgoing and be the one that pursue females.  When you're an introvert, however, you're pretty much starting several steps behind other guys.  I had girls in the past who initiated contact, but it seldom works out.  I got the looks, I got the smarts, but I don't have the heart, the emotion and the ability to express such emotions to make it happen.  What will happen to me?  What lies in my future?

Anyway, I bumped into Dean Bailey several days ago.  I greeted her with a wave and a smile, but she didn't seem that happy to see me.  I've also been seeing Shannon a lot lately, and strangely she keeps staring at me and looks down when I stare back.  Odd.  For some reason, I keep turning down requests by my friend to eat dinner with him.  Don't know why.

Note to self:  Spend more time with friend.  Don't avoid Erin.

Erin of Cafe Ventana

Last year I made a post about this girl at Cafe V.  that I was attracted to.  I wrote that she was most likely teasing about reciprocating, but looking back now, could she have been actually attracted to me?  I'm not sure now.  Her name is Erin, Caucasian female, brunette hair, and extremely attractive.  On the last day of the last quarter, I was walking to OVT at night for dinner and I came across her as she walked across the overpass.  I paid no attention to her and kept on walking, but out of the corner of my eye, she was looking at me the entire time. When I looked back, she was looking down with her hands in her pockets.  I thought nothing of it until now.

Yesterday night, she was working the cash register, and when I came in, she saw me and immediately turned her head.  When I went to pay for my curly fries, she gave me that disappointed, upset look that girls have given me in the past.  Not only that, several other times before, when I went to Cafe V., she saw me and looked down, not wanting to make eye contact.  Could she have been attracted to me?  Naah, I'm must be imagining things.

Scaring the shit out of people

I scare the shit out of people.  Apparently I give off a super creepy vibe that nearly everyone out there experiences.  I thought it was my INTJ vibe, but it seems as though my "vibe" permeates through nature.  Sometimes I walk around campus at night to exercise and get some fresh air and I noticed that animals will simply stop and stare at me.  I had large dogs, raccoons, rabbits, and a bunch of other animals simply stop and stare at me.  It's pretty much the same thing with humans.  Am I that different?  Am I that odd, that out of place, that even animals are freaked out by me?  To date I have freaked out TSA agents, Marines, police officers, CSO officers around campus, store cashiers, and various animals... great.  Just great.  ET, please help me phone home.

Note to self:  Try to be not so creepy.

Biased Intuition

The greatest asset that any INTJ or any intuitive individuals possess is their intuition.  Their intuition allows them to see and "feel" things that a sensor can never see.  Their intuition allows them to follow paths, find patterns and meanings in things that others will not be able to locate.  However, there's a downside.  Since intuition is based purely on pattern recognition and "gut instinct", and not on physical evidence, it can easily be skewed by biasness.  My intuition is good, very good, it's correct about 95% of the time and it allows me to make extremely accurate predictions in most cases.  When I'm dealing with women, however, my intuition is out of whack pretty much all the time.  I've lost count of how many times my head is screaming out telling me to go talk to her etc., but only to not do it because my intuition is telling me she is not interested, won't go for me, hates me etc.  I then later find out that she was attracted to me.  I believe my intuition suffers from a negativity bias.  When I "feel" something, I automatically assume the worst and take the action that is the exact opposite of what I should do.  I always screw it up.  My life, it's lulzy.

Note to self:  Eliminate biasness from you intuition, trust your intuition.  No more grade school, kiddy stuff when it comes to attraction.  Don't let expectations cloud your judgement.