Data and Intuition vs. Thinking

It's midterm week and it has been hectic.  Three midterms one day after the other and a four page paper due right after.  God, absolutely horrible.  I'm thinking about asking for medicine to deal with my social anxiety.  I'm thinking about taking it, but it's unnecessary medicine and I'm wary about potential side effects even though she stated that there is little chance of it occurring.  I'll think about it.

I've been going over data concerning my meeting with Dr. Poizner.  I asked he why I have this uncontrollable urge to get even with people who hurt me and he stated that it was my desire to get revenge because of my mistreatment when I was younger.  This was the conclusion I came to months before I met Dr. Poizner.  He's good, he definitely knows his stuff and it shows that my self-analysis is correct.

Another old piece of data has been troubling me lately.  For some reason, an old memory of me walking down the staircase to the entrance of Geisel last quarter keeps popping into my head.  In that memory, I was walking down from the top of the staircase and there was someone coming up the stairs.  I was staring off into space at the time, so my memory of that person is nothing but a blur.  A bright, white blur.  I don't know why but a part of mind keeps on saying it was Julie looking at me.  Was it? I'm not even sure.  I went back to the spot to investigate found that the top of stairway is a lot shorter in reality than it was in that memory.  I don't know what to think, that memory keeps on popping into my head and I have this compulsion to analyze it.  Gotta make it stop.

In my last posts, I wrote that I believe that the voice in my head is my introverted thinking side.  I'm wondering if it is.  I've debated this with myself on numerous occasions before and I still don't have an answer.  Great, my indecisiveness is at work again.  The reason I question it is because numerous other INTJs have stated that the best way to have a relationship is to not over think things, and my over thinking is the reason that I've destroyed my chances at a relationship.  Two voices, one is intuition, one is the thinking side.  Both voices sound just the same.  I don't know which one to listen to and even if I did, I can't differentiate them from one another.  Whatever, just take the advice from other INTJs, DON'T OVER THINK THINGS WHEN WHEN IT COMES TO RELATIONSHIPS.

Note to self:  DON'T OVER THINK WHEN IT COMES TO ROMANCE AND  RELATIONSHIPS.

Indecisiveness and Intuition

That whole situation, if you can call it that, with Julie showed my indecisiveness again.  I make a choice and then regret it later and I try to make up for it.  Pathetic.  It's as if none of the personality reprogramming I've done for the last two years made any difference.  This seriously blows.

Two years ago, when I still saw Julie on a almost daily basis, my intuition told me to forgive Julie, otherwise I'll end up regretting it.  I didn't listen and I'm now regretting.  I remember reading that INTJs have an introverted thinking process, so going by occam's razor, I'm guessing it's my thinking side at work.

Should have listened to my intuition.

Note to self:  Always follow intuition.  USE ACTIVE ACTION SPEECH, NOT PASSIVE, WHINY ONES.  NEVER HAVE A DEFEATIST ATTITUDE.

There's Always One

Reminiscing on the mistakes of my past, I thought a bit about Julie again.  God, I need to get her out of my mind.  Anyway, I did a little search for her and her commencement ceremony.  It turns she didn't graduate yet, I found the facebook page for a fall 2011 social psychology class, and Julie posted a comment to earn extra credit.  Fall 2011, that was last quarter, she's still here at UCSD.  Great, just great, this entire time when I thought she moved away, she was still here.  I could have gone back to her during the summer and she I could be together right now.  Another mistake on my pile of mistakes, fan-fucking-tastic.  What's even worst is that she is with someone now.

    I sent my "good bye" message at the start of this quarter.  Within one week, she changed her profile pic to the kissy face one, and the beginning of this week, she changed it to her standing next to some douche named Steven Yoon.  Man, fuck that guy, he has the standard asian douche faux hawk and horn rimmed glasses style.  Hell, in his pic with Julie, he isn't even smiling.  I'm an INTJ, I'm socially and emotionally retarded and even I know how to smile for a picture.  Neither of them has put each other under the relationship status so maybe they're not a couple.  Bah, I don't know what the hell I'm feeling right now, it's like apathy combined with anger against myself and a massive dose of jealousy.  I gotta push this aside.

Julie has now become the "one".  Every period, middle school, high school, community college, and now UCSD, there is always one girl that I'm infatuated with and they with me, but I always screw it up eventually, causing it to crash and burn.  I hope there's another one in the future.

Note to self:  Get Julie out of your mind, she's not coming back.  Never make assumptions and never believe the information you have is correct.

So Many Mistakes

It's been one week since the job fair and I met with Dr. Poizner yesterday.  He suggested that I take medicine to deal with my social anxiety.  Ever since the job fair, I've been running scenarios in my head over and over again about how my life will be for the next several years.  Just thinking about it was painful.  I'm not sure if I can even pass the CPA exam, grad school is pretty much out of the picture, and I don't know what I was smoking thinking that I could get accepted into pharmacy school.  Instead of doing pre-pharm, I could have used that time and energy to do a computer science minor.  Due to the lack of a car and constantly taking courses over the summers, I never did an internship so I'm pretty much fucked.  I'm thinking about going back to community college, finish the pharm pre-reqs and try to get an associates in computer science.  God, just thinking about having to go back to community college again is making me cry.  So many mistakes, so many foregone opportunities.  Three years of my life wasted.

Job Fair

Job fair is coming up tomorrow and I'm going.  Dear God, this shit is going to be horrible.  You have to do a stupid introduction and ask them questions and stuff.  Why can't we just submit the damn resumes and leave.  I really don't want to do this, but I have to because of the shitty economy.  Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.  I wish that whole 2012 end of the world crap would happen so I don't have to deal with this crap.  Man, this is going to suck.

Note to self:  Smile.

Two More Quarters To Go

It's already three days into the new quarter and I can already feel the overbearing work load.  Several days ago, I sent a message to Julie apologizing to her, stating that I should have gone back to her when I had the chance.  I don't expect to get a response, but I had to do it anyway to ease my own conscience.  I don't  know why I do this, constantly foregoing opportunities when I have them only to regret losing them later on.  I'm never going to get a girlfriend if I keep acting like an immature selfish jerk.  Hopefully with my upcoming appointment with Dr. Poizner, I can find a way to fix that.

I have two quarters left and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do with my life.  I'm scrambling to apply to various grad schools, though I doubt I'll get accepted.  I don't know what job I'm going to get, if I can get one at all.  I should have went to SF state and continued to major in engineering.  So many regrets, so little time.

Note to self:  Stop being an immature selfish jerk.  If there is an opportunity, take it.