Self Analysis Report and Dexter

I haven't done a self analysis in a while,but I believe things are getting better.  My ability to communicate with others have improved drastically and because of it, my relations with Mike and Bryan has improved as well.  I can talk to them and maintain a decent conversation with them.  My interactions with total strangers have also improved such as those with cashiers and former professors like Professor Housekeeper.  I'm actually not afraid of greeting people or talking to them anymore.  However, despite these gains, I noticed that I have become more reluctant when it comes to speaking to women.  I don't know why that is, it could be due to my negative experience with the women here at UCSD.  I am trying though, I can maintain eye contact, smile, etc. basically act normal, but there still isn't any connection on a deeper level with a female.  I'll keep trying.

I've also been watching Dexter the last week or so, catching up on the last five seasons.  I can't believe I've never paid any attention to this series before.  The show is absolutely phenomenal and the main character is someone I can actually relate to.  Out all the shows I have watched in the past and all the characters I have seen, I feel that I can relate to Dexter the most.  Aside from the whole murdering people left and right thing, he and I are almost alike.  He tries to fit into a world that he does not understand, he tries to relate to people but fails often because he can't feel what they feel, and he does his best to put up a mask of normalcy just like me.  He often talks about adapting to survive and thrive in the world him, similar to what I'm doing now, trying to change my personality to fit in mainstream society.  Needless to say, I'm hooked and I'm looking towards to season 6.

On another note, I bumped into Julia at the village market when she was the cashier.  She looked at me and smiled and said hi.  I said hi in return with a monotonic voice and it seemed like it made her upset.  She looked down in disappointment for about a second and went on with her business.  Is she still attracted to me?  It doesn't make sense.  Must investigate further.

Note to self:  Remember to smile.

Dinner and Isolation

I had dinner with Mazza yesterday.  He drove us to this Japanese place to eat some ramen noodles.  It was nice and kind of weird at the same time.  Nice because Mazza is the closest thing to a friend I had in a very long time and weird because I have never actually gone out with someone before.  The closest thing to hanging out with someone was when I was back in high school when I went over to Brian's place to play the gamecube with him and Henry.  Man, I've been isolated so long that the concept of spending time with someone is now completely foreign to me.  I'm seriously going to miss Mazza when he graduates.

Things between me and my roommates are neutral.  I honestly feel like they're spooked by me.  Mike and Bryan talks to me sometime but things are slowly unraveling.  Bryan used to say hi or bye when I come back but he doesn't do so lately.  I hope I can improve relations.  It seems like I'm blaming others for my isolation, but I know that it is I who is isolating myself.  I must push myself out there and meet others.

I was right, choosing a single room for the summer and the fall was a mistake.  I'm on pretty shaking ground with the others and relations with Andrew is pretty much a lost cause.  Doesn't matter keep moving.

On another note, I think I saw Julie yesterday, I'm not really sure though.  God, I'm so lonely, I might be imagining the woman I had a crush on in the vain hope that I can see her again.  God, I'm pathetic.

Note to self:  Improve relations with Bryan, Mike and Andrew.  When someone asks you, "how's it going?" always answer, do not assume it's merely greeting.  Modify see ya to see ya later.

Contact Terminated

I saw Leah again a few days ago.  She was sitting on a bench and was talking to her friends.  As I approached to get to the door to class, I looked down at the soda bottle I was holding to avoiding making eye contact with her.  I don't know why I did that, I just felt I shouldn't talk to her, I just felt that talking to her was a lost cause.  I guess she noticed and she didn't say hi yesterday after seeing me.  Maybe the whole "I actually want to be alone subconsciously" thing is true after all.

I saw Darvash again yesterday and said hi.  Unfortunately I had to cut my conversation with him short because I had to go to class.  Apparently he lives right next to me.

I've been talking a lot to Bryan lately, nice guy.  It seems like the more and more I talk to him, the more uncomfortable he seems to appear.  I hope I don't screw things up with him.

On another note, I've been analyzing my conversations with others and it seems like I contribute nothing at all to a conversation.  It's always answering questions or asking questions, never anything else.  I don't know why I'm like that.

Note to self:  Be more interactive and engaged in a conversation.  Give more information about yourself to others.  Don't give off information that might scare others.

Darvash

I met someone new today while playing pool, his name is Darvash.  We talked for a bit, asking each other questions and such.  During the whole conversation, I realized that I was mumbling and stuttering a bit.  I also noticed that I was constantly asking questions as though I was interrogating him.  I made a promise to myself not to do that a long time ago, but it seems like I keep jumping back and forth.  While the conversation we had went well, I think I screwed up the ending.  He said, "I hope I'll see you here again." or something like that.  I smiled, gave a slight chuckle and said see ya.  Looking back now, it seems kind of rude.  I never thought of it that way before since I tend to do it so much.  Stupid of me, another potential contact lost.  Well at least our conversation was normal.

Note to self:  Remove "see ya" from everyday vocabulary.  Say, "it was nice meeting you"  when saying goodbye to someone you've met.

Women Wary

A long, long time ago, I wrote a post about how I thought I was subconsciously misogynistic.  Even though I stated that I didn't think I was, that thought has stuck in my head ever since.  I have come to the realization that even though I'm not misogynistic, I am actually wary of women.  After being hurt for so many times, I think I have reached a point where I'm extremely cautious around women.  That might explain why I'm so cautious around Leah and any other girl I encounter.  I saw her yesterday sitting outside of class, I approached her and she said hi without a smile.  Strangely enough, even though I told myself to be happy when seeing someone, I didn't smile at her either.  Sigh, another contact lost.

Speaking of women, I'm having a hard time dealing with one of the staff at the Village.  Allison Goebbels is her name, I believe.  I don't know what's up with her, I keep getting the feeling she hate my guts.  Man, I only recall interacting with her four times throughout the entire year and every single time it's the same thing.  Though this time, I might have acted a little creepy.  She stated that the computer froze up, looked at me and laughed, I looked at her and laughed a bit too.  I realized that I maintained eye contact for about 1.5 seconds too long and that may have freaked her out.  Meh, whatever.

On another note, I've read the article that zambecki gave me (thanks again by the way), and their theory on why introverts exist is interesting.  They stated that it was due to evolutionary pressure that creates introverts and extroverts, and it makes sense.  Those who stick their head out, the extroverts, can find new resources and potentially flourish, but if they run into trouble, it will be the introverts that survive.  Unfortunately for my case, I'm not just an introvert, I'm a lone wolf and possibly anti-social.  I have always pushed away people for some reason and I'm finding it increasingly difficult to relate to people, I can't even hold a conversation with others anymore.  Sadly for me, my genes may prove to be dead end.

Huh, I just came back from the market and apparently Julia is working during the summer.  So much for my prediction.

Note to self:  Ease up on the smiling and don't be creepy.

Leah and Massive Regression

 Leah sat next to me on Thursday, I was surprised, but it's most likely that she was late.  I noticed that every time she talked to me, I get the feeling that she thinks I'm annoyed by her.  I also noticed that I have a hard time talking to someone if they are sitting right next to me.  I also forgot to smile when looking at her.  I pretty much screwed it up, she didn't sit next to me today.  I believe I am experiencing massive regression.  When some guy said "Welcome to Goody's", I only looked at him and smiled.  Recent conversations with people have shown that I cannot even maintain eye contact any more when talking to someone.  It seems as though I break eye contact after a certain amount of time.  My little brother says it looks like an eye roll even though it isn't.  I hope people aren't interpreting it that way.  I also talked with Mike a bit and it was a mess.  I mumbled, stuttered and didn't know what to say.  God, I'm fucked, two years here and I'm reverting back to what I am before I got here.  God, if you're watching, can you please just put an end to my suffering right now?  Thanks.

I'm slowly becoming more and more accepting that deep down inside, I don't actually want to be with anyone.  Even though consciously, I want to have many close friends and a relationship, it seems as though my subconsciousness doesn't and it shows.  Maybe someday I'll completely accept it, but for now I'll keep on trying to change.

On another note, it seems like the The Village Tower East is housing families.  I keep seeing a bunch of kids running around and entire families coming out of there.  Are they turning it into an actual apartment?

Note to self:  Be happy when seeing and meeting people.