Sounding like an idiot on the telephone

God, I sound like an idiot on the telephone.  When I start talking, I sound like a dumbass who's spewing out incoherent nonsense.  I kept writing a note to myself to plan out what I say before I say it, but I'm going to modify it.

Note to self:  Plan out what you're going to say before you say it.

INTJs and dating

I've been visiting INTJforum.com lately.  It seems as though I'm not the only one that doesn't/haven't dated.  There are people on there that have never dated and they are 24 and 29 years old!  Dear God, I don't want to end up like that.  I had many chances in the past, many women wanted to be with me, but I just don't have the resources to pull it off.  I don't want to be like those guys, I don't want Jimmy to end up like them too.  I hope I have the capability to help Jimmy and myself out of this.

Note to self:  Help Jimmy and self out of dating spiral.  Make eye contact with Julia and blond Stephanine and smile.

Verbal Communications

My ability to communicate verbally with others is limited.  While I can hold a decent conversation now, it seems as though I just say whatever comes into my head without thinking of the consequences.  Sometimes I ended up pissing people off or terminating a conversation too early.  I need to modify my verbal communications.

Note to self:  Think about what you say before you say it.

Sharing is caring

I've been thinking something that my high school friend, Henry Cun, used to say, sharing is caring.  He's right, sharing IS caring.  The reason people lose interest in talking to or befriending me is because I act like I don't care.  I do care and should care, but I need to express it.

Note to self:  Be more caring of others, be more expressive about caring for others.

Stephanie and Stephanie

I saw Stephanie again tonight at the market.  I greeted her and her body language indicated that she lost all interest in me, probably due to the way I acted several days ago.  Sigh, should have acted more interested.  Honestly, in the past, I would've brushed it off and thought it was nothing and considered it irrelevant.  But with this whole trying to be a better communicator thing, it seems like I'm failing pretty badly.  I just don't understand why I can't relax around women.

On another note, the other Stephanie, Bryce's girlfriend, seems to argue a lot with Bryce.  They might be having trouble in their relationship.  Relationships, truly wonderful.

I think I'm regressing on a serious level.  The way I acted towards Stephanie, forgetting to say something as simple as good bye, tells me I'm losing it.  I think that my time spent on the internet and in front of a computer is causing me to regress.  I'm going to spend more time offline and stick in the real world from now on.

Note to self:  When saying goodbye to someone, make sure they see your wave and hear your bye.

The Heisenberg Relationship Principle

Everything is going fine.  Relations with Julia and Sabina have normalized.  I sensed that Julia is still attracted to me and Sabina isn't freaked out by me anymore.  Sabina actually initiated contact during the last discussion section.  Communications with Stephanie still needs improvement though.

I have developed a theory off the quantum theory of the uncertainty principle.  I call it the Heisenberg Relationship Principle.  The closer I get to someone, the more unstable and distant they and I become.  Sigh.  I need to work on my communications skill when talking to women.  It seems as though I cannot relax when dealing with people, men or women.  I'm always so tense, I just don't understand why.

Note to self:  Be more friendly and smile more towards women.  Be more relaxed and playful when it comes to women.

Two steps forward, one step back

Screwed up conversation with Stephanie tonight at the market.  She had a cold and I thought I didn't care.  Damn it.  I didn't speak loud enough and she thought I didn't care.  Two steps forward, one step back.

I just talked with Eric.  I screwed up the conversation at the end by being negative.  Don't be such a downer.  Be more positive and optimistic.

Note to self:  Don't scramble, stay calm.  Listen to the damn coin.  Speak louder and be more caring.  Don't be such a downer, be more positive and optimistic.  Always look at things as the cup half full.  Never mention negative things.

Treatment of women

It's early Wednesday morning and I've been thinking about something last night.  I've been thinking about the way I treat women.  I tend to be more harsh, vindictive, and more emotional when it comes to dealing with women.  When they do something that I find to be unacceptable, I tend to dwell on it and not forget it or forgive them for it.  I think the root cause of my behavior is due to the way I was treated by girls when growing up.  I had a harsh childhood and girls did most of the bullying, they tend to be the ones that called me ugly, freak, etc.  I guess it had a lasting impact on my subconsciousness.  I need to alter my behavior towards women, otherwise I'll never be able to have a successful relationship.

Note to self:  Don't be so harsh towards women.  Don't be so vindictive and emotional towards women.  They are human too, they have hopes and dreams, and also flaws.  Be more forgiving towards women.
Don't take everything women say or do so personally.

Definite Regression

I saw Vincent, the guy I helped out in the laundry room, again the Village Market.  He repaid me the one dollar that he owed and left.  I sensed that he was nervous around me.  I guess the damn vibe is coming back.  I was right, I am regressing.  I had a conversation with Eric where I got tongue tied, and people are becoming more nervous around me.  I'm beginning to suspect that my termination of relations with Phoebe had something to do with it.  Must push forward.

Note to self:  Remember the other note to selfs and be more friendly.

Talk and regression

Nothing much to say lately, I talked with the hispanic guy who is friends with the douche, Bobby.  We talked for a while, well, he did most of the talking, but it was nice anyway.  I sensed I socially regressed a little today, and nasty habits from the past keep popping up.  I ended another conversation with yeah, I didn't sit up straight when talking to someone and I kept a beyond acceptable stare time with TA.  I sensed he was kind of nervous about it.  I have to remember to fight those urges and keep pushing forward.

Relations with family

My mom and dad keeps calling me.  They care about me and I care about them too, but it seems that I'm a bit brief with my dad.  I think it's the whole subconscious thing that's affecting my behavior.  When I was younger, my dad was the strict disciplinarian that would keep me in line if I acted up.  I know that he has changed, but there is still a part of me that keeps him at arms length.  I need to change that.

Note to self:  Treat dad better.  Have better, lengthier conversations with dad.  Don't rush conversations.

Lopsided social gains

I saw Catherine, the econ girl, in the laundry room just several minutes ago.  She came in, and while I was taking notes from my bio book, she said hey.  I thought she was talking to someone else and I didn't respond.  Stupid of me.  Sigh, another one gone.

I've noticed something lately.  It seems as though I can easily make acquaintances with guys, but it seems it is difficult to make acquaintances with women.  Social relations with Mazza, Eric (accounting guy), and Bill are going well, not to mention decent interactions with my room mates, but when it comes to women, it's a whole other story.  After the screw up with Shannon, and the termination of relations with Phoebe, I think I need to concentrate more on socialization with women.

On another note, I'm down to 204 pounds.

Note to self:  Concentrate more on socializing with women, but don't forget to socialize with men.  Socialize with everyone.  Be more interested in women.  Always say goodbye even if others don't say goodbye.  Workout more.

Expectations and disappointment in others

Nothing happened much in the last several days, I did see Eric, the econ major guy, again in the laundry room.  The conversation between him and I went smoothly.  I also saw Bill again too.  Apparently he didn't drop the accounting minor and is going to be taking the same accounting as I am from now on.  That's good, I just hope things between us won't end up like Phoebe.

This brings me to my other thought.  Am I expecting too much of people?  Am I expecting them to be the friend that I imagine and hope them to be, just to be let down when they aren't?  Am I letting that preconception affect my relations with others?  I don't think I should let my hopes and expectations be the foundation of my relationships with others.  If I let my expectations control how I act around friends, then any romantic relationship will be doomed before it starts.  I guess that is how my relationship with Katherine ended.  When she responded with a resounding "hell no" if she would live with her in laws, she fell below my expectations and I immediately shut her out mentally.  It was doomed before it began.

Note to self:  Human beings are flawed, don't expect much of people.  Don't be so vindictive.

Midterms and Mike

There wasn't anything much to update for the last few days.  I just finished taking both my econ and bio midterms today and yesterday respectively.  Fucking horrible, I think I bombed both.  Irrelevant, what's done is done, moving on.  For some reason, I'm seeing a lot of Mike lately (one of Alex's friends).  He keeps on saying hi to me near Geisel Library.  I never got the chance to know the guy last year, but I guess he's a friendly.  That's good.  I had a realization when waving hi to him, I realize that I need to raise my eyebrows.  My eyebrows and eyes don't raise when greeting people, I guess people subconsciously believe that I don't like them if I don't raise my eyebrows.

Note to self:  Raise eyebrows and open eyes wider when greeting others.  Make eye contact with people that are shorter than you.

Inadvertently turning down invitations

Despite the lulzy interaction I had with the bitch today, there was a downside to this day.  I saw Mazza in the laundry room and he invited me to go eat dinner with him off campus.  Unfortunately, due to my bumbling stupidity, I inadvertently turned down the offer by asking if he was still using his car, which caught on fire during the summer.  I guess he took it as a rejection.  He came back later from Cafe Ventana and said that he was full.  Sigh, another chance at interaction lost.

Update:  It's night and I feel fantastic.  Finally officially terminating relations with Phoebe has made me feel as though I just let a ton of rocks off my chest.  This is one hell of a placebo effect.  Dear God, it feels great.
I guess it's official that I can start a new life now, one not burdened by the past.  Clean slate, tabula rasa!


Note to self:  Do not turn down invitations, when people invite you to do something or go somewhere accept it and do it.  Only clarify statements if there strategic implications otherwise don't bother.

Free at last, Free at last, Thank the Lord, Free at last!

Relations with Phoebe has been terminated.

On another note, I'm now down to 206.6 pounds.  Yay!

Note to self:  Trust your intuition, if your intuition says that someone is using you then trust it, and stay away from that person.

Progress report

I went to Cafe Ventana with Eric earlier today.  It was nice, we had a decent conversation regarding various topics ranging from family to majors etc.  However, I did notice a pattern in my conversations.  It seems that I keep repeating "what about you..."  I know that the key to a good conversations is to keep the momentum going and to keep bouncing back and forth, but it seems that the way I talk is so repetitive and boring.  I should try to mix it up a little.

My progress report seems to be a mixed one.  On one hand, I'm not afraid of talking to people and I can keep a conversation going, but on the other hand, I'm still horrible when it comes to women.  This girl at the laundry made a comment about Fringe's Olivia, and I simply smiled.  Not a good sign, it's a sign of regression.  That and when I smile, I seem angry and it scares the hell out of people.  What good is all this "progress" when it accomplishes nothing.  I still don't have close friends and I'm still absolutely horrible with women.  I'm still going through my memory files in regards to my time at CPMC.  While I was at CPMC, I was able to have fantastic conversations with Katherine Leung, Linda La, and I even tried starting conversations with Mei Zhen.  I still don't understand why I was so different during that time.  Was it the environment? The people around me or even the clothes I wore?  So many variables, so chaotic I can't even analyze it.  Sigh, marching on...

Note to self:  Sit up straight, modify speech patterns to give more variation.  SMILE.  Be more humorous.  BE CONFIDENT.  Stand up straight, sit up straight, don't slouch, and be happy.  Don't slur your speech and be verbally clear.  Increase voice volume.

SMILE AT JULIA

Financial drain

I recently checked my chase checking account and I have to stop buying food from price center.  Aside from ordering required essentials from Amazon, I wasted about 40 to 60 dollars in two weeks just by eating at price center.  I am going to stop buying food from there and simply use my dining dollars from now on.

On another note, I'm thinking about pulling a little joke on Phoebe.  I helped her again by giving her notes, but I still have negative feelings towards her.  I'm going to screw her over and hopefully she'll disappear from my life.

Note to self:  Stop eating at price center, that way you'll save money and lose weight.

Catherine, Jeremy, Vincent and regression

I saw Jeremy tonight at the laundry room, but I didn't bother saying hi or bother speaking to him.  In fact I tried to avoid him, it worked and I shouldn't have done that.  I met several other people at the laundry tonight.  One was Vincent, I helped him pay for his laundry.  When he was leaving he shook my hand and I returned the gesture, and said nice to meet you.  However, I sensed he was unnerved by me.  This is the same thing with Catherine, an econ major transfer, that I met while watching Criminal Minds.  Standard meet and greet procedure, but I noticed that she looked down to her left, indicating internal dialog.  I guess my facial expression spooked her.  This is getting tiresome, I keep modifying my behavior but I keep regressing.  Are any of the things I do going to be permanent or am I going to have to keep reminding myself?  I am losing faith.

Why do I do this?  Why do I push away every women that's attracted to me?  I'm not gay, I'm straight, but I just keep pushing women away.  One after the other, gone, gone, gone.  How long can I keep going like this?  Eventually the amount of single women attracted to me will run out and it will be all over.  I can't let that happen, I must accept and not push away women.  May God have mercy upon my soul and may it please guide me to salvation.

Note to self:  Smile when greeting people, be happy when meeting people.  Act like a 5 year old.  Don't push away women.  Be comfortable with yourself, and be yourself because women will like you for who you are.  Be able to make fun of yourself.

Midterms and progress

Midterms again next week, Monday and Tuesday.  Right next to one another, fantastic.  Plus a quiz on Thursday.  This shit just never stops.

I've been thinking about my progress in reforming myself.  I've been wondering if I had actually accomplished anything.  I'm still nervous around women I'm attracted to, but not around women I'm not attracted to.  Guys are still freaked out by me, take Bryce for example.  I have to ask myself if this a transition phase or is this the end of the line.  My personality and behavior right now is pretty much the same as when I met Katherine.  I can now converse better with people and I can keep a conversation rolling, but what good does it do if I'm still nervous around women?  I already blown my chances with Shannon when I was still adapting, and I really wish I didn't screw up so much with Julia or Stephanie from the Market.  Is more beyond this? Could this be the end of the line?  I need to push forward.

Note to self:  Learn to forgive and forget, don't be so vindictive and don't be so emotional.