Respect

People, I absolutely hate people.  I had a conversation with this douche before class an hour ago, talking about our papers that is due for the class.  He was making little jabs at me throughout whole damn conversation.  Fucking asshole.  I am so sick of these insecure little retards, constantly trying to boost their fragile little egos.  Whatever.  I never demand respect from anyone, I always do my best to earn it, but some of these bastards are seriously testing my patience.

On another note, Greg and Cary are pretty nice people, and I think Spencer is warming up to me a bit, he and I had a small conversation a few days ago.  Still, I got the feeling that they are nice to me because of pity rather than genuinely wanting to accept me.  Meh, it's still good to have a conversation with someone every now and then.

Burial

I just got back from San Francisco after attending my grandfather's funeral and burial yesterday.  It was a solemn event and there was lots of crying and remembrance.  It was tough, it was painful, I saw sides of my relative that I had never seen before.  I saw my mom and my aunts cry, and I saw my grandmother broke down into a sobbing mess.  I could not even begin the pain that she was feeling.  The feeling of loss and despair, losing someone who you have loved for an entire lifetime, to wake up the next day without their warmth and comfort that you have felt for decades, was unimaginable.  Eventually I broke down and started crying too.  What surprised me was that none of my cousins were crying.  Aside from my little brother, I was crying the hardest out of the people of my age group.  When I go to forums like INTJforums.com, I sometimes read about funerals and how various INTJ posters were afraid that they wouldn't cry and yet I was bawling my eyes out.  Maybe I'm not an INTJ, maybe they're the ones that are different, perhaps I'm more human than I thought.

Funeral and Outside World

My grandfather died.  Several days, he passed after a week of suffering from some medical problem with his liver.  Just two weeks ago, he celebrated his 93rd birthday and when he started to suffer from some medical issues, everyone pretty much knew it was time.  I spent his last moments surrounded by family, and he was able to talk to everyone before he passed.  It's a peaceful way to pass I guess, after all he did live a fulfilling life and was surrounded by loved ones before passing.  Rest in peace grandpa.

Right now I'm waiting for my flight back home to attend his funeral, but my flight is delayed by an hour so it's pretty boring right now.  I screwed up again at interacting with people.  Some TSA guy ask me where I was going etc. and he told me to hand something to someone at the boarding area.  I shook my head, at least I think I did, and went to check in without saying okay or anything.  He's TSA, he's just doing his job and going by standard operating procedure, but still, I could have been more polite.  I swear it's the jacket I'm wearing that is causing me to be like this.  The constricted feeling my jacket gives me is making me shell up and become extremely defensive.  I realized this about two years ago when I first started this program, but I have no choice but wear a jacket since it's getting colder and colder.  I need a change in wardrobe.

House

I have two midterms this week and I'm behind on so many reading it's ridiculous.  And somehow I still have time to watch House.  It was another generic episode, patient gets sick, House does his crazy mind games, and later fixes the patient.  Nothing special really, but one quote did struck me.  Chase didn't want to become House and claimed that House was trying to turn him.  House's rebuttal was, "If I wanted to turn you, I would've made you make a stupid stubborn mistake making you lonely and miserable."  That struck close to home.  What House said was a description of me, my choice, my thought process, I'm House before there was House.  Great.

Note to self:  Smile more when greeting people.

Valentine's Day, Julie and Other Things

It's almost that time of the year again. Valentine's Day, the day which sends lonely hearts all over the world into despair.  Valentine's Day has never bothered me before, but it's starting to eat away at me in recent years.  Watching everyone pair up, holding hands, general lovey dovey stuff, makes me want to be a part of that.  I tried it last year with Julia and it ended as a massive disaster.  Not exactly something I want to repeat again, but right now, a part of me is pushing me to do something for Julie.  Right now the Village has this valentine's program where a person can send in a short message with a picture to be displayed around the Village.  Why do I do this to myself?  I'm so adamant in pushing someone away only to want them back later.  It's pathetic.  Must get Julie out of my mind.

Also, I just checked the comment's section.  Goldmagistrate, I'm sorry for not responding, but to answer your question, my high school friends and I were the nerds, dorks, and outcasts.  We banded together because of video games and we allied together to protect each other from bullies.  I really should check the comment's section more.

Note to self:  Get Julie out your mind.

Econ and My Thinking Side

One of my econ is starting to become a major pain in the ass.  The professor is going on rants about how students are regurgitating rather than thinking so he's giving one project after another.  I thought the class was going to be easy but it's going the be the exact opposite.  This is one shitty quarter.

In my previous post, I decided to use intuition for relationships and emotions, and my thinking side for logic and reasoning.  Looking back, I realized it was stupid fucking thinking side that kept making things go wrong when it comes to romance.  Back when I was with Katherine, on my last day with her, I went down to the first floor and my intuition side was screaming out for me to go back up to her.  My stupid thinking side came in and said nah, keep going, there's no potential here.  The same thing happened with Julie.  During that day near OVT, when I was walking away, Julie yelled, "Hey wanna get some ice cream?"  I turned halfway when my stupid thinking said, "Nah, can't be Julie, she graduated."  Fucking stupid.  Why the hell is my thinking side using such shitty logic and rationality as reasons for its actions.  No wonder the thinking side is introverted, it's fucking retarded.

Note to self: Trust instinct and intuition for relationships.

Why I Lost Katherine

The recent events with Julie have made me take a look back on all the potential relationships I could have had in the past especially the one with Katherine.  I've been over Katherine for a long time already, but still, every now and then, I still think about her.  The reason I lost Katherine wasn't because of me being forced to choose between her and UCSD.  It was because I was insecure and I was sort of unappreciative of her affection and advances.  I wish I could say it's because I'm an INTJ and I don't know how to deal with emotions felt by myself and by others towards me because those are merely excuses.  I should have been more appreciative of any women who have shown interest in me.  Rather than running away, I should explained whether I was interested or not.  If I was, I should have shown more affection and care towards them.  Instead, I didn't and decided to run away.  Thinking back of my time with Julie and Katherine made me realize that affection must be spoken and shown by small gestures, kind acts, gifts, and body language.  With this lesson learned, I hope I can break the cycle and not repeat what I've done ever again.

Note to self:  Show affection and care to women who are attracted to me.

Wardrobe

I went out shopping today get some new clothes.  I decided to buy some wovens so that I can fit in more with the local male population who are my age.  I tried on some jeans, but I kept getting the feeling that it looks and feels dirty so no jeans for now.  During my time out, I noticed that when I greet people, my hellos are too soft and too fast, and some people thought that I didn't greet them.  I'll be modifying my greetings to last a bit longer and to pause a second before continuing on.

Update:  Bryan and his friend rang the door bell and I opened it.  Bryan's friend told me that I could come over to their place if I wanted to.  I said thanks.  I noticed that the guy was a bit spooked when talking to me.  I have to relax and smile more.

Note to self:  Modify "hellos" to last a bit longer and louder.  Relax and smile more.  Prepare to socialize at random points.

Hey, Can I Get A Donation From You

Flyers people, a bunch of pushy people constantly pushing themselves into your face on library walk.  Annoying to say the least.  Unfortunately, one managed to get my attention enough to start talking to me.  She tried to get me to donate some money by talking about her program.  She tried to strike a normal conversation but later self analysis, I realized I was just staring at her the entire time and she cut right to the chase after she noticed my staring.  Stupid of me.  I may be annoyed, but I should at least act socially normal.  Am I starting to regress again?  I think this thing with Julie is making my emotional suppression conditioning go into overdrive.  When I was trying to enter the door of my ochem class, some girls were coming out and I had to hold the door open for them.  I noticed one them were giving a freaked out look at me.  Self recollection at the time indicated that my face was in a hyper concentrated mode, the INTJ mode.  I have to let go and not let the event with Julie affect my progress.

On another note, I realized that I can't return my stupid wingtip shoes that I bought for the job fair.  There were decals under it and it got all scratched up and I now can't return them.  Great, there goes $50.

Note to self:  Let go of Julie, don't let her affect you.  Relax, don't hyper concentrate.

Answer and Analysis

I found the answer to my question whether to listen to my intuitive side or my thinking side.  The answer is that I need to listen to both.  When it comes to relationships and romance, my thinking side is too pessimistic and incapable of understanding others, my intuitive side on the other hand is a natural in understanding what to do.  So it's best to listen to my intuitive side when dealing with people and my thinking side when dealing with technical issues.  The problem remaining now is that I can't tell the difference between the two.

I'm thinking about last night when I bumped into Julie.  I kept wondering what I would have done if she said something.  I then realized I would have done nothing.  Nothing at all because I'm a fucking coward and I'm pathetic.  I hate myself.  She was practically thrown into my lap and what did I do with it?  Nothing, no, worse than nothing, I destroyed because of my pettiness.  I'm a loser, I suck, I hate myself.

Note to self:  STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING PUSSY.  BE MORE FORTHCOMING WITH WOMEN.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

I saw her, I just saw Julie.  I was walking back to my dorm and when I walked pass the RIMAC, I bumped into her.  She was jogging towards the direction I came from.  We didn't make eye contact, but when I looked at her eyes, she was looking upwards away from me and jogged pass me.  I think she noticed me.  Based on her eye direction, does she still have feelings for me?  Or am I reading too much into this?  Even if she did, what am I to do?  I don't even know the answer.  Seeing her this time was different.  Unlike before where her face was nothing but a blur, her face was crystal clear.  The pale orange light of the street lamps lit up her face, allowing me to see every minute detail of her.

This is pretty damn funny.  Just two days ago when Julie was still on my mind, I looked up and made a casual prayer, asking God to let me see Julie again so I can say goodbye, and now here we are.  One heck of a coincidence.  I never considered myself to be a full blown spiritual person, though I do believe there is some form of higher power out there.  So does this prove it?  Is there an actual higher power and is the voice in my head actually from a higher being?  Heh, one heck of a question to ask.

Aside from this event, there is nothing really significant.  I'm done with my second midterm and my last one is tomorrow.  Gotta study.  I went to Cafe V after seeing Julie and I saw Erin Robertshaw.  She was the cashier at the time.  I approached and paid for my stuff and left.  I experienced no palpitations nor any nervousness even though she's smoking hot.  I couldn't detect anything off from her either.  Her voice was soft and I did notice that she stared at me a bit before I went up to pay, though that could only be in my mind.  Heck I don't even know if she was actually attracted to me or was just screwing around from before.  Doesn't matter, not my concern.  Another thing was that the big black dude who use to handle the pizzas said hi to me.  Odd, two years and he still remembers and greets me.  This is one surreal night.

I asked for the chance to see Julie again so that I could say goodbye.  Whatever fulfilled my wish, whether it be a deity, fate, coincidence or just pure luck, I have to keep my end of my wish.  Goodbye Julie, I...We should have taken a different path.  I wish you the best.

Note to self:  Pray to God for a billion dollars.