再见

Interaction with Clarissa today went decently, but unfortunately she didn't know how the accounting minor was structured.  I told her it was structured like a series, requiring one course before the next one.  She thought she could take several of the classes simultaneously and hoped to graduate within this year.  Several minutes later she rushed out during class, she mentioned something about seeing a counselor.  Great.

Started raining today, right after several days of a heat wave.  Fantastic.  I guess there is a God and he has an ironic sense of humor.

I saw Phoebe again today in my Econ 100C class.  I waved to her and the response I got was a "oh great, he saw me, I really don't want to be here" kind of look.  You know, I'm sick and tired of this bitch.  When I first met her she thought I was attracted to her, I NEVER was.  Every time she needed help, every time she wanted me to take notes, I did to help her.  Then one day she accuses me of cheating to get into UCSD.  I always help everyone, men and women, and no, I don't do it to get in some girl's pants.  When I was younger and I needed help, no one ever helped me so I try my best not to be like those kinds of people.  When Phoebe needed help, I was always there.  Hell, during the summer she wanted to borrow my calculator so I went out of my way to help her, walking from one side of the campus to another in the burning sun.  When she was stressed out that she might have bombed the Econ 110B final, I was the one who told her to relax and that everything will be alright.  All this for a "friend".

I sent her the text several days ago apologizing hoping for a fresh start, hoping that she and I will be better friends.  Screw it, I'm tired of her bullshit.  Phoebe is one of the most manipulative and pathetic cunts I have ever met.  Since I'm trying to start my life anew, she'll be the first one to go.  Clean slate, tabula rasa.  I won't let my experience with Phoebe affect relations with Clarissa, that is if she is still going to do the accounting minor.

Ian, Ian, Ian...

Bumped into that dumbshit Benjamin Chiang tonight, apparently he doesn't live on campus anymore.  (His dumbass got himself kicked out of the Village.)  Ben pointed to Ian with Bobby.  Sigh.  Ian's a nice guy, but he seriously needs a spine.  During the last couple of days when I was still living with them, Ben and Bobby told Ian to suck their dicks after they done some stupid shit to Ian.  When Ian demanded an apology, Bobby basically told him to shut the fuck up and made Ian his bitch.  And now Ian is still hanging out with them. Oh Lord, facepalm.

INTJ suite mate?

I'm beginning to suspect more and more that Jacob, one of my suite mates, is another INTJ.  He's a physics major I think and he often locks himself in his room watching movies.  Sort of like me last year.

Update:  History major actually

The damn vibe

Great, my INTJ vibe came out again.  Went to my BILD1 discussion section, and when the TA asked for out majors, I answered first.  Right after I answered I sensed that the TA was troubled and fearful, I knew that my INTJ vibe/stare struck again.  I guess my conditioning is more deeply ingrained than I thought, it's going to take a lot of work.  Note to self:  Always sit up straight.

I hope my interactions with Clarissa tomorrow will go smoothly.  I plan to explain my social anxiety to her and apologize for my behavior during the summer.  Hopefully...

Clean Break

I keep bumping into people that I treated poorly in the past.  My social anxiety, combined with my less than stellar responses to people that want to socialize with me, have created a lot of enemies.  I understand, I would be pissed too if I was treated the way I treated them.  I'll try to apologize to Julia if I see her.  After that, I start fresh, if people want to socialize and talk to me, I'll socialize back.  If girls are interested in me I'll socialize with them too even though I have no interest in them, I'll stop acting like a jerk and stop ignoring them.  Clean slate, tabula rasa starting now.

Cool down in nature and relations

The temperature at UCSD is cooling down, finally, still quite warm though.  I can't believe that I actually miss the freezing weather of San Francisco, I like the heat but combined with the slight humidity, it was driving me nuts.  Thank God, Geisel Library has a super powered air conditioning system.

I saw Clarissa today, she was this girl I met in Econ 4 during the summer, she's nice.  I'm still kind of suspicious that she would keep trying to get my attention though.  When we were in Econ 4, she immediately insisted that I be her partner in some team work things.  There was another guy that she socializes with, why didn't she choose him?  I very much doubt she is attracted to me.  Odd.  Oh well, I'll suppress my thinking side and try to be more friendly.  (Okay WTF.  I posted asking if there is a God and to give me a sign yesterday and Clarissa pops up today. Huh...)

I saw Phoebe today, she didn't seem too happy to see me.  That's strange because every time she sees me, it's always smiles.  Why is it different this time?  Several days ago, I thought about the grudge I held after she accused me cheating to get into UCSD.  I responded by treating her poorly on several occasions.  I texted her with my apology, but today when I saw her today her response was... different.  It was almost like a combination of indifference, hesitation, and uncomfortable all in one.  I just texted her to confront her about it.

Update:  Confronted her about it, she says busy etc. etc. and that was why she acted that way.  Really odd though, as she was leaving after class, she kept pulling down her skirt as if to cover up her legs.  When my intuition tells me something, I'm usually right, but I'll take her word for it.

Is there a God?

I sometimes wonder if there truly is a God.  Throughout my life, during my darkest hours, something good always happen for some reason.  When I'm lonely and suicidal, some new person pops up out of nowhere and says "hey, I seen you from somewhere blah blah..."  There is always some spark of hope, something that lifts me up to keep going.  But doing this over and over again, falling down again and again, it gets tiresome.  When I was 12, I was coming home from school about to cross a street, suddenly there was this booming voice in my head and told me to stop.  Less than half a second later, this car comes out of nowhere and runs the red light.  If I hadn't stopped I would be nothing but a rotting corpse right now.  Kinda wish I was...  I'm doing my best to change my life, to make it go in the direction I want it to go, but I want to know is there a God.  Is some higher power steering my life towards some greater purpose?  Give me a sign, any sign...

INTJs are supposed to be rational, logical, and scientific, that is what I am, but I wonder can God be proven or disproved?  The amount of stuff that happens to me, the timing and all, just seem so coincidental.  I know the universe doesn't revolve me or any one person, but I can't help but wonder if there is some guardian angel and higher power watching over me.

Blast from the past and interracial relationships

Another girl from the past, this time a blonde.  The blonde's name is Julia, she works at the Village corner market.  She was attracted to me last year, but through some miscommunication I thought she hated my guts.  Every time I bought something and she was the cashier, she would stare at me and immediately wipe her hand on the counter top.  I thought she found me disgusting or something.  One night she was just staring at me and I gave a mean look in return.  During the return flight for spring break or winter break, she and I were apparently on the same flight from San Francisco to San Diego.  I saw her, she saw me, and she crossed her arms all pissed off.  That was when I realized she was attracted to me.  Several weeks later, I was in line waiting to pay for a couple of items, and standing next to me hoping to get my attention.  Being my socially awkward self, I kept looking at the clock on the wall to lose her attention (Nice huh?  God, I'm such an idiot)  It just made her extremely upset.  If I see her away from her colleagues, I'll try to apologize to her, though it doesn't seem like she remembers me.

This brings me to the other topic I have in mind, interracial relationships.  In this day and age, it seems like interracial relationships are all the rage, hell, just look at the Obama and Tiger Woods.  People are celebrating and cheering for them because they represent a "post-racial world and society."  However, I am extremely wary of being in an interracial relationship.  Don't get me wrong, I have no issue with folks that want to be in one because that is their life and choice, but I'm not sure if I can be in one myself.  

Even though I was born and raised in the U.S., I don't feel like I'm an American, I feel like I'm a F.O.B (fresh of the boat) straight from mainland China.  Yeah, I work out, watch porn, possess Western manners and I'm independent thinking, but other than that I don't feel like I can connect with most Americans.  I don't care for football or sports, I don't care for cars, and I find rap and modern American pop culture to be fucking stupid.  (I actually prefer music from the 80s.)  I can tell better jokes in Chinese than I can in English, and I always felt more comfortable around Chinese people.  It kind of explains why some of my most recent friends are F.O.Bs from Hong Kong and Taiwan.  If I were to just go out with any non-Asian, hell, non-Chinese, I have one hell of a cultural barrier to break.

Maybe in time I will get over this hesitation of being with non-Asian women.  Even though I had many Chinese and Asian girls chasing after me, I can't form a connection with them.  So right now I'm more of a beggar than a chooser.  If someday, somewhere a non-Asian/Chinese girl and I are having a great time and forming a great connection then I'll go for it without hesitation.

Note to self:  Be more open minded, give interracial relationships a shot.

I went down, down, down and the flames went higher...

It's super scorching hot in San Diego right now.  Just sleeping last night felt like I was in an oven that was warming up, even though all the windows were opened and I was wearing only a t-shirt and shorts.  I don't know what's worst, freezing my ass off in San Francisco or roasting in San Diego.

I still haven't decided whether I should get a digital camera.  The cameras in the UCSD bookstore are usually marked up by about 10 to 20 dollars.  Even if I buy one online, I'm not sure how often I'll use it.

The ENFP

I've been thinking about her, no, not the girl from two years ago, I've been thinking about this girl I met last year. Her name is Julie (Yen Tu), and I think she was an ENFP.  She was outgoing, bubbly and friendly with everyone, I had a massive crush on her.  I think she was attracted to me too.  One day, however, she said "I don't really like Jason" to her roommate right in front of me.  She thought I wasn't anywhere near her.  I was hurt.  Even though she said that, every time she sees me she just had to get my attention.  It was always "Hey Jason," "What's up Jason?"  When she thought I was attracted to her roommate (I wasn't), she immediately started conversing with me to get back my attention.  I honestly didn't know what to think, I know that ENFPs tend to say a lot of stupid shit, but I wasn't sure what was the truth.  I didn't know if she actually liked me or actually hated me.  Every time she came over, she just had to talk to me.  Maybe she did like me, maybe I should be more forgiving of people. Meh, by the end of the year, her body language told me she lost interest in me.  ENFPs, always jumping from one thing to the next.  I wonder if she still lives at the Village...

The Future

The INTJ vibe, it's a blessing and a curse.  It keeps the morons away, but scares the regular folks away too.  Due to this vibe, I managed to piss off about half a dozen people in the Village corner market and at Cafe Ventana.  When I try to make eye contact and say thank you, they immediately think that I'm pissed off at them. There was this black lady that worked at the Village corner market that thought I hated her guts, I didn't.  She's gone, I probably single handily caused her to quit.  I saw Ian a couple of days ago and I talked to him a bit and tried to smile as we talked, it probably freaked him out and he left.  Jesus Christ, fuck my life.

Tonight I spent several hours talking to my friend that I lived with during the summer.  I watched him play some online game and we talked as he played.  It's not exactly my idea of hanging out, but it's socializing nonetheless.  It may be small progress towards curing my social anxiety, but it's a start.  I want to cure my anxiety, I want to make friends.  When I was in high school, I was surrounded by dozens of friends, but some where along the way I lost the capacity to make friends.  I want that ability back.  I miss my high school friends...

I want to cure my social anxiety not just because I want to make more friends, it's about survival.  One of my cousins is in his 30s, he still lives with his parents, he works a dead end job, doesn't have a girlfriend, and he plays games all day.  My family, relatives and I are all worried about him and we have no idea what he is doing with his life.  I don't want to end up like that, that life, that future is a dead end one.  I don't care if I don't have friends for a boys night out, but I do want to be social enough to attract a girl to marry and settle down with.  I have the looks, the physique, the intelligence and talents to attract most girls, but the only thing I lack is the ability to communicate well due to this damn anxiety.  The very thought of myself living the life of my cousin makes me shudder.

On another note, I walked around the Village several nights ago to get some fresh air.  I went around several times and went back to my dorm.  When I was in my dorm I overheard a couple of girls saying "there was this hot guy walking around..."  I doubt it's about me, but hey, a man can dream.

INTJs around campus and the past

Only 2% of a population are INTJs so out of a population of tens of thousands at UCSD, there are bound to be some  INTJs running around.  I think I saw an INTJ today, he was one of those servers behind the counter at Cafe Ventana.  I'm not an expert at typing people and I don't consider myself to be one, but the reason I suspect he's one because of his stare.  He has the stereotypical soul piercing stare that INTJs are so famous for.

I think I saw another INTJ last year aswell.  He was a Hispanic fellow that was sitting by himself in one those old lecture rooms in Warren Lecture Hall.  Last year, one of my discussion sections was in WLH 2005, I came in early one day to enjoy the silence before class began.  There he was, sitting there at the corner, using his laptop doing his own thing.  I looked at him and he looked at me and asked if there was a class coming up, I responded with a yes and he said thank you and immediately left.  His reaction was so similar to mine, it was like looking at a clone of myself.  I wonder if he has social anxiety too, if he does, I hope he's doing something about it.

My current roommate is familiar with the Myers-Brigg, and he admitted that he is a borderline ENTJ/INTJ.  I think he is more of an ENTJ due to his extroverted nature, but he does exhibit typical INTJ behavior from time to time.  He also told me that both his mother and father are INTJs.  That's simply amazing.  I consider his dad to be a very lucky man to have found an INTJ wife considering that only 0.5% of women are INTJs.  Female INTJs are rarer than any diamond or platinum in the world.  I wish I could meet an INTJ girl on campus.

Thinking of INTJ women reminds me of the woman of dreams, the woman I gave up to come here to UCSD.  I think she was an INTJ because she was absolutely amazing, and it would explain how I got along so well with her even with my social anxiety.  Within several months, she and I fell deeply in love, when she told me she loved me, my social anxiety kicked in and my mind filled with what-ifs.  I knew that I would be moving away for college and since she is going to the University of San Francisco, I feared any relationship would be for nothing.  She tried over and over again through several months hoping that I would reciprocate, but I never did.  I finally built up the courage to tell her I love her, that I would go to San Francisco State like she wanted me to, but I never saw her again.  I tried email, but she never responded.  I broke her heart and she broke mine.  It's been two years now, but I still think of her from time to time, and even then I still tear up as I do now as I write this.

Katherine Leung of University of San Francisco, I wish you the best.  I hope you manage to become an anesthesiologist.  Hell, why not try to be the neurosurgeon you dreamed of becoming.  Sigh...

The INTJ and continued introduction

For those not in the know, the letters INTJ in the INTJ@UCSD actually represent something.  The INTJ is merely one of 16 different psychological types of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator.  INTJ stands for Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judging.  According to Myers-Briggs, it is believed that every human being on the planet can be classified as one of those 16 types.  Since I was about 13, I found out that I was classified as an INTJ.  I was thrilled that I was an INTJ since only 2% of any population are INTJ, and they are considered to be "supermen."  Hell, look at this, this is the personal of one my previous professors whom I believe to be an INTJ:

http://dss.ucsd.edu/~itelyuko/personal.htm

You should check out her C.V. too.

I, myself, is a decent artist and poet.  I dabbled in various religions and philosophies in the past and I can tell you a decent amount about some of them.  (Apparently knowing more about Islam than "Muslims worship Allah" makes people think you're a Jihadist / suicide bomber)  Even though I'm an economics major, I can still go toe to toe or even outdo chem/biochem majors in their chemistry classes.  I was an engineering major before I switched to economics.  I have taken such a great interest in international politics and history, I can actually tell you how one event relates to another and how various political leaders and nations will react to a situation.  Of course, since I'm an INTJ, I'm completely obsessed with and have an above average understanding of technology.

Sounds great doesn't it?  To be one person, and to have so much knowledge, talents and abilities, an INTJ can be a Titan among men.  Hell, I used these talents and abilities to impress those girls that my roommates were interested in.  Awesome, isn't it?  No, it's not.  Even Superman has a weakness, his Kryptonite, and for the INTJ, it is relationships.

Relationships, personal and romantic, are difficult for INTJs.  We tend to be straight forward and rational making things such as flirting, for example, seem absolutely bizarre to us.  Apparently INTJs also tend to give off a supervillain/psychopath vibe that scares the hell out of people.  (http://intjforum.com/showthread.php?t=30853)  For me, it's even more difficult.  When I was younger, I was bullied and teased a lot causing my social anxiety.  I responded by working out like crazy to buff up and scare off the bullies.  It worked well, but now my physique is more of a detriment than an advantage.  I know frat boys and jocks won't screw with me even when I act like a nerd, but I'm also scaring off regular folks, people I want to socialize with and befriend.  I tend to scare off a lot of people because of my "INTJ vibe" and the fact I look like a mini Chinese Arnold Schwarzenegger, but apparently I scare off even more people once they realize I have an I.Q. in the upper 120s.  My social anxiety doesn't help either, I always end up saying the wrong thing or having the wrong tone.  One of my friends seem to be more reluctant to talk and seems to be avoiding me after we lived together during the summer.  Sigh, it gets lonely out here.

For the folks that somehow stumbled upon this and are interested in a clearer explanation of the MBTI, watch these videos by barcode9588:

http://www.youtube.com/user/barcode9588#p/u

I'm considering buying a digital camera to take some pictures around UCSD.  Maybe tomorrow.  Maybe.

In the beginning...

Posting barely several hours after the first post.  Great.  But honestly though, I have a lot to get off my chest, a lot to say.  First off, a little introduction.  I am a 22 year old transfer student at UCSD living in the Village transfer housing.  I have been here for a year, and during that first year it was nothing but pain and misery.  But I knew that was what I was in for because I gave up everything just to go to UCSD.  I gave up all my friends and the woman I love, the woman of my dreams just to be here.  I kept telling myself that going to UC San Diego instead of San Francisco State was for the best, that I was doing something for myself, what a stupid fool I was.

During my first year here, my racist piece of shit roommate by the name of Bobby Nguyen, disrespected my parents just because they were Chinese.  I told my suite mates about it, and with the exception of one, they sided with that bastard.  Needless to say, my year was ruined.  In the end though, I got my revenge.  I managed to silence and humble Alex Fish, I destroyed Benjamin Chang's life, and ruined that bastard Bobby's future.  Revenge was sweet, but the realization that it was a pyrrhic victory set in.

Alex, Ben, and Bobby were the ones that kept bringing female friends back, but their female friends were always interested and intrigued in me.  I never gave those girls the time of day to leave them interested, never letting them pay attention to the Three Stooges.  It really pissed those three off.  Ben started to insult Alex because he had body hair and Ben didn't (LOLWUT?)  I guessed that it was because Ben felt physically inferior and needed a scapegoat on why girls weren't interested in him.  (He was a misogynistic fat idiot)  Bobby became fucking pissed when he found out his little sister was attracted to me.  Alex Fish, the jock, the high school football team running back, fell silent when more and more girls became interested in me, the nerd.  This was just one of the tactics I used to get my revenge.  It worked, I won, but what was it all for?  I destroyed those bastards' egos, but what about all those girls?  They were interested in me, ME!  Each and every one was absolutely beautiful, and I merely used them as weapons, as collateral damage.  I could be with one of them right now, but instead I went down this sick path of revenge.  I realized this two days after everyone moved out, and I broke down into tears.  Now I'm here all alone on a friday night, just the first of many.

The only suite mate that didn't screw me over was a guy by the name of Ian Applegate Olson.  He's a nice guy, intelligent and hard working.  He was reluctant to help me at first, because I wasn't "cool", but he came to his senses later on.  Ian, if you somehow stumble upon this somewhere, some day, I want you to know that I appreciate you for being a good person, thank you.

First Post

This is the first post in this blog.  I didn't create this blog because I believe that my life is interesting or to gossip or any of that crap.  I created this blog because I have mild to severe social anxiety and this blog is my way of curing it.  At least I hope it works.  I'm currently a transfer student living at the Village at UCSD, and since I still have two years remaining due to the way my stupid accounting minor is set up, expect a lot of posts.  Here goes nothing...