Marine

I was doing some reading in the laundry tonight, as usual, and this little dude came in and started talking to me.  He said he's a marine, a data marine specifically, and he's one of the strangest guys I have ever met.  He went on and on about that wikileaks guy and stuff about JFK.  Both hilarious and strange at the same time.  My conversation with him, more like a monologue on his part, was well and based on recorded body language, that was fine too.  I did noticed however that I delayed waving goodbye to his friend when he waved to me.  I should fix that.

Note to self:  Wave response faster when people wave to you.

Last Session and Glimpses

Yesterday was my last session.  He said that the only way I can be more social and outgoing is to go out there and meet people, and that there is no method that he knows of besides that.  It sucks, I was hoping that there was some way that he could used to alter my mind, but it looks like I'm shit out of luck.  I'm on my own again.

I also saw Village Market Stephanie yesterday.  Our conversation was brief and she seemed distant.  I'm not surprised really, considering how many times I screwed up and accidentally acted like an asshole towards her.  I'm surprised that she still talks to me every now and then.  Still, it was good to see her again.

On another note, something odd happened yesterday.  When I was going to the restroom in the CAPS building, my mind told me that Dr. Poizner would be in there.  When I opened the door, he was actually there.  Odd.  Things like this would happen to me every now and then, making it seem like I can actually see the future. I always dismissed as either my imagination at work or a luck guess, but this one was so clear that it makes me think there might be something to it.  I'm not saying that I'm a pre-cog or anything of the sort, but I think I'll pay more attention to such things if it happens again.

Ralph, Kevin, Regression

I saw Ralph, one of my roommates during my first year here, several nights ago.  He actually said hi to me and he remembered my name.  What the hell?  He never said hello to me and always pretended to not see me when I was living with him and then the year after.  Why the change of heart now?  People are weird.

Kevin, a guy I met in MGT 135 is gone, most likely dropped.  Meh, it was nice talking to him for the time he was here.  There goes another chance at socializing.

I noticed that I am experiencing regression again.  Today, I saw Professor Houskeeper walking towards me and I did not wave to him until he waved first.  What the fuck?  One of the most basic things I taught myself when I began this whole self therapy thing was to greet others even if they don't greet me.  How the  hell did I forget that?  Another instance was when I watching the Walking Dead in the laundry room and another guy asked me what he missed.  My answer was so blunt that it spooked the hell out of him.  Ugh, it's like I hit the high point of my therapy last year and I'm slowly going back down.

There's still a part of me that still thinks about Julie.  I'm still wondering why every time I saw her, a voice in my head asks, "hey, is that Julie" and another voice keeps saying, "nah, no it's not."  I don't get why I did that.  Is my mind trying to protect itself from harm?  I need to get her out of my mind.

Note to self:  Smile more, think positive thoughts, greet others even when they don't greet you first.

Think Positive

It's Friday night again.  It seems like the rest of my roommates are going out together and having fun.  Good for them.  In the past, I was hurt when I felt like I was the odd man out, but honestly, it doesn't matter to me this year.  I know that anything deeper than a few hi and byes, and a casual conversation every now and then would be an action in futility, so meh.

I met with Dr. Poizner again today and he has helped me a lot.  One of the things he told me was that it seemed like I'm mentally holding myself back with my constant negative thoughts.  He said that I need to balance it out with more positive and realistic ones.  He's right, I need to have more positive thoughts.  I also asked him what was the general format for dating like.  How it starts, how to move from initiation to something long term.  It was nice to hear it from someone who has experience with a normal relationship.  What sucks now is that I have no idea where to go from here on out.  Dr. Poizner asked me what I wanted to accomplish from now on and I honestly couldn't think of anything.  Is this it?  Did I hit a brick wall and this is how it ends?  I hope not because I don't feel that much different than when I first started.

On another note, I finally sent the notes I typed up to Julia.  I don't expect anything to happen, but it will be nice to do something nice for her.  I saw her several nights ago at the village market, it might be the last time I see her...

Note to self: Think positive and realistic thoughts.

Passive Aggressiveness

I wrote a long time ago about how I felt I was vindictive and passive aggressive.  I realize now that it's not just a part of my personality, it IS my personality.  A couple of days ago some idiot did said something to me, and it was a bit innocuous, but I took offense to it and it dwell on my mind for days.  I need to deal with this otherwise every one of my relationships will crash and burn.

Note to self: Don't be passive aggressive

Hungry Hungry Triton

I don't know why, but my appetite has been going insane lately and it has taken a toll on my weight and my wallet.  I just checked my account and realized I ate away $100 within one week.  So fucking stupid of me.  I'm leaving my credit card at my dorm from now on.  I've also adjusted my backpack so that it won't hang so low.  Hopefully it will fix my posture and I won't spook others again.

Dead Like Me

It seems like my INTJ vibe is coming back in full swing.  I've noticed that people throughout the campus are spooked by me again.  It might be the heavy backpack I'm carrying around all the time or worst, my little program isn't working and my mind is slowly adopting to it.  There might be no hope of changing this.  I just might have to accept my fate.

I've always wondered if there were others like me on campus, alone, and concentrated on books and the internet.  It seems like I found some.  Ever since I started spending more time on campus, out of my dorm, I noticed more and more people who look like they're alone.  A week ago, I saw this girl at Price Center just sitting by herself in the corner not doing anything at all.  Just a couple minutes ago, I went up to the roof of building 3 village east and saw a girl sitting on a bench.  She wasn't doing anything, just sitting there, swinging her legs around.  I wonder what was going through her head.  Thinking about these lonely people reminds of this guy I have seen around campus a few times.  The guy's old and talks to himself every time I see him.  One time I showed up to class early and he was sitting in the dark talking to himself.  Freaky stuff, especially since he reminds me of myself.  I hope I won't be like that 50 years from now.

Henry, Kevin, Artificialness

Current progress in my ability to socialize with others have me worried.  It seems as though that after hitting a plateau, my reactions, such as my smiling, conversations etc start to come off as a little fake and I think people can detect it.  Nonetheless, it has helped me make acquaintance with others around campus.  One is called Henry, a freshman computer engineer.  I doubt I'll see him again, but my conversation with him when I met him at OVT came off convincingly as genuine and sincere.  Another, Kevin, in my MGT 135 class, seemed to act normal around me, which is good.  I still need to continue and push forward with my progress.

Current relations with roommates has pretty come down to a cold stand still.  It's not hostile, but it's not friendly either, it's more akin to mutual courtesy toward strangers.  Honestly, I should feel upset, but I don't, they're irrelevant.  I'm actually looking forward to next week's meeting with Dr. Poizner.  He may be new, but it seems like he genuinely cares about helping me cure my problem.  I hope he is effective in doing so.

Note to self:  Be genuine in your emotions and feelings.