Not Deserving of Love

I'm not deserving of love.  Seriously, every fucking chance given to me, I always fuck it up.  Whatever.  Forever alone it is.

MRI and Nightmare

Just finished doing a MRI.  50 minutes and I got paid $40, awesome.  I wonder if they would send me a copy of the results.

On another note, I had a nightmare last night.  The first one in nearly a year.  For some reason I was dreaming of a woman tearing up a piece of paper that belonged to me and saying I'm kicked out or something.  I woke up sweating and realized that I was nearly crying.  That shook me up pretty badly.  I don't know what it was about, but it was bad.

She's Never Coming Back

I sent Julie a message through facebook asking if she and I can talk.  No response for one week and she immediately avoided eye contact when I saw her monday.  I sent her this:

I guess I should have said something that night last week. I was never good with words, even less so when it comes to talking face to face. I was so nervous, I froze up and didn't know what to say.

You wanna know what's the crappiest thing about this whole situation? Me walking away from you that day near OVT last summer wasn't intentional. Remember that message I sent congratulating you on graduating? I thought you had already graduated and moved away. When I saw and heard you that day near OVT, I thought I was imagining and hearing things so I kept on walking. I didn't even know you were still at UCSD until I was goofing off on facebook and stumbled onto your social psychology class's facebook page during the fall and saw your post. Great huh?

I wrote this on my crappy little blog three days before your supposed "graduation", there were also other posts.

http://intjucsd.blogspot.com/2011/06/julie-tu-bunni3tu.html

I should have gotten over this a long time ago. Whenever you're graduating, congrats.


Final goodbyes.  So much for the possibility of being together.

Note to self:  Modify waiting for response to two weeks.

Relations Mended

I saw Stephanie Fried today.  She and I smiled at each other, waved and said hi.  Relations have been mended.  At least I did something right this time.

I saw Julie Monday night when I was near the RIMAC.  I kept looking at her and she stopped and looked back.  We both stared at each other for about 5 seconds and I walked away.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  Should've said something, anything.

My LIfe Is Empty

My life is empty.  I keep hoping that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, but I realize now that there is nothing, just darkness.

Two nights ago I saw Julie.  I was walking by the RIMAC and I looked at her... and she turned towards me and she stood there looking back at me, but for some reason her face was a blur.  It must have been Julie.  Why the fuck is my brain blurring her?  It's like my brain is actively censoring her.  Why?!  Why would it do that?  I need to see her, I need to talk to her.

Note to self:  When looking at someone, look at their face.

Job Fair Again and Dead End

Went to job fair again, bloody waste of time.  I realized a long time ago that I chose the wrong major and should have majored in something less vague and more practical, but this job fair smacked me hard.  The companies looking for econ people want at least a 3.5 GPA while I only have a 3.3.  I'm fucked.  Not only that, I probably pissed off the guy from the state audit because I was freaking out and rushed the conversation.  I hate my life.

Note to self:  Think before you speak, never rush a conversation.

Time Perception

I've been thinking about Stephanie and my email to her.  I'm not surprised that her response wasn't enthusiastic and was muted because it was a while since I last greeted her.  The problem is that this is the same with everyone I meet.  Due to my guarded nature and freakishly good memory, time becomes a non-issue and I would attempt contact weeks, months, even a year from initial meeting.  From the other person's perspective, they've already written me off as a potential acquaintance.  I need to match my time perception with others and don't wait to do things.

Note to self:  Expediency is important.

Contact Initiated

Several days ago, I saw Stephanie Fried near the village transfer housing several days ago and she was looking down with her arms crossed.  I wasn't sure if she was still upset that I didn't say hello before or not so I decide to say hi in an email.  I sent her one yesterday and her response was...muted and brief.  I didn't really expect much, but at least it eases my conscience a bit about accidentally making her upset.

On another note, I signed up to be a research subject at UCSD's hospital.  I'm getting paid $20 a hour for them to probe my mind.  Awesome.

Last Quarter and Restlessness

Spring break is over and it's my last quarter here.  I found out that I won't be able to finish my chemistry minor due to the lack of time.  Disappointing.  I've also scheduled an appointment to see if I could become a research subject, apparently they're going to pay me $20 hour just to run a bunch of tests on me including MRI, DNA, blood tests etc., awesome.  Hopefully something good can come from it.

Also, I've been getting more and more restless. I have no idea what to do after I graduate, how to find a job, start a career etc.  I'm supposed to be an INTJ, a planner, a strategist, and yet I'm at my wits end on what to do next.  Every path I'm planning have so many obstacles, variables and risks that I might as well give up on it.  The economy is not getting better as I have hoped and planned when I first entered UCSD, and from the looks of things, it might even get worst.  Heck, several researchers believe that global economic collapse will occur in 2030.
http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/sideshow/next-great-depression-mit-researchers-predict-global-economic-190352944.html
I've planned for this event my entire life, but I lack the capital needed to implement the plans I have in mind.  I need to start a career to get money to implement my plans in case everything does go to shit.  At least my parents are starting to take me seriously and bought a couple chickens to raise.

I've also been thinking about Julie.  I think I saw her two nights ago near the RIMAC.  If that was her, she dipped her head down and didn't make eye contact with me.  I should have said hi or something.  I screwed up so bad, my paranoia and insecurity got the best of me and pushed her away.  I should be with her, I wish I was with her.  I hate myself.