Job Worries and the Economy

There is only one year left until I graduate and I'm starting to fucking freak out.  I haven't done any internships or any other stuff that would help get a job out of college.  That's the downside of taking school nonstop throughout the year and summer, I guess.  People keep saying that the unemployment rate for college graduates is less than 5%, but I have to call bullshit on that.  I believe those statistics doesn't take into account of those who only recently graduated.  People who already got into the industry that they want will have an easier time finding another job due to experience and various human networks.  New graduates on the other hand do not have those resources, making it much more difficult to get a job.  Not only that, I believe the various released statistics are skewed and doesn't tell the whole story.  Those statistics do not take into account how many graduates are being underemployed.  For example, my RA during my first year here, was an astrophysics major.  I got curious a couple months back, went onto her facebook page and found out that she was working at Mervyns or Ross or some other retail store.  It may be one case, but I'm pretty sure its not that uncommon.  This combined with the fact that a double dip recession is about 80% likely has sent shivers down my spine.  Gotta get ready for the real world.

The reason I'm doing this whole self modification/improvement program is not just because I'm afraid I won't be able to get married, but also because I'm afraid I won't be able to get a job.  Thanks to the whole "human beings are social animals" bullshit, people have to network and be cheerful and all that crap.  Ugh, I wish the world was a pure meritocracy but it unfortunately doesn't work that way.  Hopefully with the one year remaining, I can improve my personality to point that I seem normal to other human beings.

The Bistro and Posture

I went to the Bistro today with Bryan and Tom.  They invited me to go along with them, they're amazingly nice people.  For the most part, my conversations with them were pretty normal, but there were times that I felt that my contribution to the conversation was unnecessary or uninteresting.  Otherwise, my personal behavior and responses were socially acceptable, at least from my perspective.  I still have to remember how to smile more often.  The Bistro is a fancy looking place with the food and price to match it.  Though the food looks great, it was bland and pretty much tasteless.  Tom and Bryan pretty much agreed with my assessment and commented that the chips were pretty much the best part of our meal.  I think I'll stick with Goody's and OVT from now on.

My back is killing me.  Spending so much in front of the computer is screwing up my posture.  I'm afraid I'll end looking like the hunchback of Notre Dame.

There is only one week left until summer is over.  It will be the exactly one year since I started this little program of mine and I can say I made some good progress.  Man, time passed by fast, one more year to go.

Note to self:  Sit up straight and don't walk with a hunch.

Hey Wanna...

I've been thinking about the whole dating and hanging out with people thing.  It seems like people have no problem what so ever asking someone to hang out with them so the question is why can't I do that?  I don't know why but even back in high school, even when I wanted to hang out with people, I never bother to ask them.  Too late now I suppose, but realizing this has allowed me to see another obstacle that I will have to overcome.  If I ever want to initiate a relationship, I have to do the initiating.

On another note, I've been visiting the foreveralone section of Reddit more and more.  Not exactly the most healthy of habits.  It seems like the folks there are in the seem rut as me, INTJ, loner, some friendless and many others in their early 20s hoping to change.  I hope they achieve their goals, I hope I can achieve mine too.

Social Etiquette and To Be Hated

The tremors, they're coming back.  The aspect that I hate most about my social anxiety is the physical toll it takes on me, not just the psychological portion.  I don't know how it's possible but for some reason, every time I'm anxious or doubting myself, my brain feels like someone is gripping it tightly and something is crawling inside various parts of my body.  I absolutely hate it and it's been getting worst for the last two weeks.  Two times already, I stared at my teacher not knowing how to respond, like a deer in headlights.  One of my greatest fear is to be targeted for retribution by a teacher.  I wouldn't be surprised if he hated my guts.

Since I was a little kid, I've been targeted by virtually everyone, from classmates to total strangers on the street.  Due to such events, I've became reclusive and introverted, and with it I lost my understanding on what is right and what is wrong when it comes to social etiquette.  This has made it even worst.  I always do something wrong and end up offending people, making me more reclusive.  It's basically a self perpetuating system.  Hopefully I can break the cycle.

On another note, I made a post a long time ago about a girl that works at OVT, apparently her name is Stephanie.  She's nice and strangely I don't feel the compulsion to avoid her.  Maybe I'm making progress in the part.

Note to self:  Learn manners and acceptable social behaviors.

Getting Close to Others

Despite my moderate success in changing myself over the last year or so, I still have not dealt with the issue that is affecting me most, getting close to someone.  Looking back at the last ten years of my life, I realize that I have never truly closely emotionally bonded with anyone besides Katherine.  Even Wendy, who I consider my closest friend throughout middle school and high school, weren't that emotionally close.  Despite knowing her for a decade, it was only recently that I found out when was her birthday and it was only done through facebook.  Every time someone tries to get close, I always push them away no matter what.  I am still trying to get over this knot like feeling in my mind and let someone get close to me.  That is if there is someone who actually wants to get close to me.

Note to self:  Let your guard down, be vulnerable, get close to others.

Sounding Stupid

So far I've been successful at basic interactions with people using simple greetings such as hi, bye and questioning which indicates that I am becoming more extroverted, however, I have noticed an obstacle.  Sometimes the stuff I say come out sounding weird or stupid to the person listening even though I don't intend it to be.  Other people don't realize that the things I'm saying are coming from another approach or from another point of view.  I guess I should be more direct and straightforward.

I went to my accounting 133 class today and found out that the class was supposed to start next week.  Fun stuff.  Me and a dozen other students spent half a hour waiting for the professor to arrive.  During that time, I've made contact with a couple of people.  One was Eric, another was Dalphine, and Chelsea.  After the professor didn't show up, I called up the folks at rady to ask what was going on.  After I relayed the message about the class being cancelled, I became the center of attention of the class.  It was both nice and unnerving at the same time.  Unfortunately, I might have broke social etiquette when dealing with Eric.

Note to self:  Take the initiative, remember social etiquette and be more straightforward when talking to people.