Just one more

One more post before new years.

Note to self:  Be more proactive, not reactive.

Year in review

It's almost the end of the year, another year has come and gone just like that in the blink of an eye.  It's amazing how fast time flies.  I still remember the day I moved to UCSD, the day 9/11 happened, the day the tsunami struck Indonesia, earthquake in Haiti etc.  All of those events happened years ago, but I still remember them like it was yesterday.  Even so, I never bothered to look back and reflect upon it.  I never gave a thought about what my life was like.  I simply kept going.  This year is going to be different.

Ever since I started this "reprogramming project", I've been questioning how effective has it been and whether it is helping me or not.  Let's take a look back.  Since the project started, I have become more social and met new acquaintances, though it is like a ebb and flow thing.  I terminated relations with Phoebe, not sure if that was a good or bad thing now.  I managed to screw up relations with several girls like Shannon, Catherine, Stephanie, and Julia.  Nice huh?  I've become more emotional which results in angry outbursts.  And of course, last but not least, I am deciding to terminate contact with my relatives.  Seems like a whole bunch of negatives to me.  I have to ask whether if this is a kind of "rebirthing" process or am I just simply digging myself a deeper hole.  I don't  want to spend another year like this, second guessing myself and wondering where my life is going.  I hope next year is better.

Note to self:  Remember what the project is about: gain confidence, self esteem, be more more outgoing and become more sociable without becoming an asshole.  Be a kind person, and act natural, not creepy or weird.

Relatives

I'm back home in San Francisco for the winter break.  I've been back here for about two weeks already and there is not much to do.  I should have brought back my econ 120B textbook to get ready for next quarter.  I wish I could find the damn stationary bike I bought last year so I could actually exercise, I'm probably going to gain back all the weight I lost.  Anyway, I've been thinking about my relations to my relatives.  Throughout the years, my relatives and I have grown more and more apart.  I started becoming more and more aware of their behavior as I grew up, and as such I grew discontent.

One of aunts was one of the teachers at my old school and she was a total bitch towards me.  Another aunt is social climbing idiot that seems to look down upon my family even though my mom is her sister.  My third aunt was screwing over my mom and taking advantage of her generosity, this is until my dad put a stop to it.  That in turn resulted in a smear campaign against my dad.  Their campaign was so effective, even I thought my dad was the bad guy, but thankfully I eventually realized the truth.  My oldest cousin is an insecure asshole that often take potshots at me whenever he can, and my second oldest cousin is a popped-collar hotshot who ignores me even though I saw him as an older brother when I was younger.  The last time I saw him he tried talking to me, he can go fuck himself.  My third oldest cousin, who also goes to UCSD, seems to be becoming more insecure around me than before.  He's also seem to be avoidant of me.  I'm maintaining good relations for now, but I try not to get in contact with him.

I'm tired of my relatives.  I'm tired of their lies, their fakeness, their attempts at ripping apart my family because they disapprove of my mom marrying my dad.  I'm tired of their condescending sincerity.  I'm tired of them.  It's time to cut the cords loose.  My mother, my father, and my little brother are my one and only family, my relatives are nothing more than strangers.  Nice way to end the holidays, eh? It's time to let go, it's time to create a family of my own.

Note to self:  Let go of relations with relatives, start a family of your own.

Thank you, thank you, thank you

I absolutely abhor talking on the phone.  When I do talk on the phone, I feel like I either sound like an idiot or an asshole.  I tend to say the wrong thing and end up rushing the conversation, it tends to make the person on the other end feel as though they are annoying me.  At the end of conversations, I tend to keep saying thank you over and over again.  I think I need to vary it a little.

Note to self:  Don't say thank you over and over again, vary it a little.

Reading people

I have the ability to read others.  Their facial expressions, body language, slight movements, tone of voice etc.  tells me a lot about what they are thinking.  This "ability" has allowed me to distinguish friend or foe, it has allowed me to understand a person without needing them to tell me what they are thinking.  This "ability" comes at a price however. When I can read a person, I know what every thought they are thinking, especially if they are pissed off at me or annoyed at me.  When that happens, I get angry at them in return.  My talent has caused a lot of self doubt and discomfort for me.  Sometimes I'm wrong about what a person is thinking, in return it caused a lot of unnecessary interaction and even relationship deterioration.  While this ability is useful to a certain extent, I think the cost outweighs the benefits, I going to put a stop to it.

Note to self:  Stop reading people.  Never take action based upon a reading, it will do nothing but cause trouble.

The pursuit of women

I need to be more active in the pursuit of women.  Sitting on my ass and waiting for the right girl to come isn't going to work.  Girls are attracted to me now, but as I get older, I will have to pursue.  I must change my personality from inactive to active.

Note to self:  Be more active in the pursuit of women.  DO NOT AVOID WOMEN!

I want to feel again

I want to feel emotions again.  When I was younger, I was teased and bullied so much that I would come home crying.  Over time I taught myself to suppress my emotions.  It worked.  It worked too well.  Over the years, I have become absolutely disconnected from the feelings of others, I lost the capacity to feel sympathy and empathy.  The lack of emotions have made me stronger and tougher, I became more than human, but at the same time became less than human.  I want to feel again.  I want to experience the good and bad of emotions.  I want to feel happiness, sorrow, peace, anger, love, and hate.  I want my emotions back because to feel is to be human.

Note to self:  Feel emotions and feel sympathy and empathy for others.

Freaking people out

The damn INTJ vibe is back.  I know Bryce is spooked by me, and I think Eric is too.  I guess not having socialize for the last week or so has caused me to regress.  Couple more days until winter break, I hope I don't lose all my progress during the break.

Note to self:  Remember the other note to selfs and keep socializing.  Be happy to see and talk to others.  Be more aware of surroundings.

I'm annoying

I think I'm annoying and I think that others think I'm annoying.  I don't complain about stuff, and I don't talk that much, but I got the feeling that others think I'm annoying.  I need to modify that part of my personality.

Note to self:  Don't complain about stuff, don't be competitive, don't rush conversations.

Fiscal Responsibility

This is getting insane, I spent $200 in the course of a month.  I must stop spending.  Buying Splinter cell conviction was a mistake and ordering that blasted neck rest thing was retarded.

Note to self:  Stop spending.

Being more talkative

I think I need to talk more.  Sam, one of my TAs for BILD 1, talked to me but I didn't keep the conversation rolling.  People are always the one to initiate conversations with me, I think I need to turn that around and be more talkative myself.

Note to self:  Be more talkative, be the one that initiates a conversation and keep a conversation rolling if someone talks to you.

Dwelling on things

I've been thinking about I dwell on things.  I have read that INTJs will end relationships and simply move on without a second thought.  I'm not like that.  I tend to keep thinking and thinking about it over and over again, thinking about what could have been.  I won't do that anymore.

Note to self:  When I terminate a relationship, let it go and don't dwell on it.

Racquel, Stephanie, and the belt

I saw Racquel and Stephanie tonight at the Market.  My conversations with them was decent, though I noticed some faults on my part.  I kept looking away while talking to Racquel, she might have thought I wanted to get away, I was actually standing in line and looking at her by the side.  She ended the conversation several seconds after I looked away for the second time.  My conversation with Stephanie was okay, I didn't hear one part and simply said yeah.  I should try to clarify if I can't hear someone.

I had a theory that my belt was causing me to be stuck up due to the belt's pressure.  I didn't wear my belt when I went to the Market so there might be something to my belt theory.

On another note, relations with Bryce have turned ice cold.  There is no hostility, but when I greet him, he is simply indifferent.  He's been fighting with Stephanie a lot lately, could he think that I have something to do with it?  I'll just leave him be from now on, I'll just greet him if I see him.  Relations with Bryce now considered non-salvageable and will be kept to a minimal.

Note to self:  Ask others to clarify if I can't hear them.