Decisiveness and Change of heart

These "recent" events with Julia has gotten me thinking about the way I act and the way I think.  I need to be way more decisive than I am today.  I'm constantly second guessing and changing my mind after a while.  This situation with Julia, for example, simply demonstrates how inept I am when it comes to making a decision.  I keep thinking, "Will it work? Will it be nice? What if it doesn't work?"  By the time I make a decision, the window of opportunity for any positive event in my life would have passed by and I would end up regretting it later on.  I have to be more decisive and to stop changing my mind at the last second, otherwise an opportunity with someone like Julia would pass by me again.

Note to self:  Be more decisive, stop changing your mind about something.  When an opportunity presents itself, jump in first then plan.

Low voice

Am I talking too softly?  Some people just can't hear me.

Note to self: Increase vocal audio output.

Contact established

Managed to talk with Julia today.  Despite earlier body language of loss of interest in previous, her behavior around me indicated residual attraction.  Hesitant laughter and refusal to make eye contact indicates shyness and nervousness, which in turns demonstrates continued attraction.  Will see how this goes.

Update:  Further analysis of events indicate that she might have been reaching for something.  Perhaps I might have ended conversation too early and made a misjudgment.

Note to self:  Talk to Julia on Tuesday.

I'm an attention whore

I realize today that I'm an attention whore.  Even though I don't care about popularity, I actually do care about receiving fame and recognition.  It might explain why I keep pushing women away.

Note to self:  Stop being an attention whore, stop pushing women away.

Opportunity missed, Bill gone

Chance to talk to Julia missed.  Bill does not sit next to me anymore, initial suspicions confirmed.

GROW A FUCKING SET OF BALLS

Apparently Julia is in my accounting class too.  Holy shit.  Probability of success just became slightly above average.  I have to make a move today or it's too late.  Could be too late already.  Must try.

On another note, I saw Hispanic guy at Geisel library.  He wasn't that enthusiastic to see me.  My initial suspicions were correct.  Gains loss.

Update: Hesitated, missed my chance, need to talk to her on Thursday.

Note to self:  GROW A SET AND TALK TO JULIA.  Trust your intuitions and instinct.

Remove all self doubt

I saw Julia when I was coming back from Price Center.  She saw me and I saw her, she looks pretty upset. Why didn't I say anything to her?  Gah, remove all self doubt.  High probability that she is going to Geisel to do the Stata homework.  Gotta go after her.

Update:  Couldn't find her.  Why do I keep doing this to myself?  I keep pushing women away and then regret it later on.  I hope I can talk to Julia on Tuesday.

Note to self: Be more confident and remove all self doubt.

All is lost

All gains are pretty much gone.  Bill sat next to me for one day and the next time he wasn't even there.  Maybe he wasn't there that day or he just doesn't want to sit next to me anymore.  Eric got spooked by me in Econ 120B and is now lost.  Hispanic dude at the village might be tired of me.  Fuck it, TALK TO JULIA

Note to self:  TALK TO JULIA

Massive Regression

I think I suffered massive regression in regards to my social anxiety.  I recently saw Victor, my RA, and was afraid to see him.

Note to self:  Keep pushing forward.  TALK TO JULIA.

Grow a set of balls

Apparently Julia is in my econ 120B class, I guess she's an econ major too.  Her eyes lit up when she saw me and I've been hesitant to go into the village market because of it.

Note to self:  Grow a set of balls and talk to Julia.  If you're interested in a girl, talk to her and pay attention to her.

Modification to standard greeting

Note to self:  Give full attention to someone when you are talking to them.  When waving to someone, do not block their faces or your own face.  Move your hand when waving.

Passive and active mode

When I walk around I'm usually in passive mode.  That means that I can see the streets and the roads but not the people.  I've screwed up interpersonal relations before because of it.  I nearly screwed one up yesterday too.  Time to put a stop to it.

Note to self:  Always be in active mode when walking.

Fubar'd

Classes started today and my first class was Management 131A.  I'm tired as hell and Bill, whom I met last year at UAS, tapped my arm to greet me.  I didn't recognize him and stared at him for about 2 seconds before I smiled and waved.  I think I might have pissed him off.  When the class was over, I went by to say goodbye.  He wasn't that enthusiastic to say bye.  Great way to start the new year, fuck my life.

New New Year's Resolution

It's three in the morning and I can't sleep.  I realize that I need to stop making excuses and stop weaseling out of things.

Note to self and add on to New Year's Resolution:  Stop making excuses and trying to weasel out of situations because people find it annoying and eventually find you annoying.

New Year's Resolution

It's a new year, a new decade and I'm back at UCSD.  I don't want to be back here.  Being back here reminds me of how lonely I am here.  Speaking of loneliness, I've been thinking back at all the opportunities with women that I missed.  I kept pushing them away because they, in one way or another, screwed me over.  Julie, for example, said I don't really like Jason, but later on kept trying to talk to me, but I kept ignoring her and kept acting like an ass towards her.  I realize now that she and every other people out there are human and humans are flawed.  They lie, they cheat, they're hypocritical, but that is who they are.  If I keep going around trying to find the perfect woman, I will spend another life time and will never find her.  I should people as people and forgive.

Note to self:  Be more forgiving of others.  LISTEN TO YOUR HEART AND CONSCIENCE REGARDING EVERY MATTER.
New Year's Resolution:  Get a girlfriend.  Time to settle down.  Be more forgiving and gentle towards women.  Be friends with them even if you or they aren't interested in something more.